The Goblinerette
by Sazzle76
Summary: Sarah returned victorious and recorded her adventure. Years later her tale was made into a film. Alas, due to the exceptional performance of the actor playing the Goblin King, poor Jareth has been inundated with runners. The situation now desperate, the king seeks a surprising solution. Will this be an epic tale of long lost love, or the car crash of Labyrinth meets Rock of Love…
1. Chapter 1 - I have a Cunning Plan!

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters are owned by Henson et al.

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"Confound that blasted film," shouted Jareth, as he kicked a goblin clear through the throne room window.

"YAYYY," cheered the rest of the goblins, raising their tankards to the King.

"That is the second runner this week, what is wrong with these girls? Did they not get the subtext? One would think I had nothing better to do, such as run a Kingdom," Jareth pushed his gloved hand through his pale blonde hair in keen frustration.

"Calm yourself Sire, surely the upsurge in believers from Above are beneficial to the Underground, they used to give you much amusement, what has changed?" Sir Didymus asked.

'That is all well and good, but since the release of _that_ film, the runners have increased to an unmanageable number and not all the children being wished away are unwanted. One girl tried to wish away her cat, A CAT, Didymus! The unmitigated shame of being demoted from fearful ruler to teenage bad boy pin-up has made me the laughing stock of the Underground!"

"What do you propose to do Sire? You cannot ignore a call," Sir Didymus said.

"Quite," Jareth frowned. "But maybe, under the circumstances, I can tinker with the parameters of the game." Jareth suddenly grinned mischievously, a plan forming in his mind. "Sir Didymus, you are in charge until my return."

"What?" the fox terrier gulped, looking around at the chaos abounding in the throne room. "Ah, how long will thou be gone Sire?"

''It depends," Jareth replied.

"Sire?"

"On how long it takes me to convince the Oracles to re-write the rule book," and with an explosion of glitter, the King disappeared.

"Oh dear," Sir Didymus shook his be-whiskered head.

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"What brings you here, Goblin King?" a deep voice rumbled through the shadows.

Jareth bowed his head towards the four, faceless, cloaked figures sitting on thrones of stone.

"I come seeking your counsel, Gailbraith. As you are aware there has been a significant increase in the number of runners since the Williams girl spread her tales to the Aboveground," Jareth began.

"Ah yes, the Labyrinth has benefited from the sheer volume of belief and dreams being channelled to it," Gailbraith replied.

"Yes, well be that as it may, the number of challengers have become so significant that my position is becoming untenable. As the Champion was foolish enough not to change the words that would summon me, I have to respond to each and every call made. I need not point out the ridiculousness of some of the wishes," Jareth growled. "And thanks to the rules and her success, I was not able to wipe her memory like I have done for the other runners."

"The Champion believes she dreamt the entire episode, she cannot be blamed for her folly. It is your failure that has brought about your current situation. Fortunately for you it is a situation that has brought benefit to the Labyrinth, otherwise you would have found yourself in a much less desirable circumstance Goblin King," Gailbraith retaliated, his tone turning sinister.

"I propose a solution Gailbraith. Due to the success of _that_ film, belief in the Underground has become strong and consistent. I merely suggest we change the words required to summon me," Jareth said.

"The re-writing of the words is no small undertaking Goblin King, this you well know and as such cannot be done without the agreement of the High Council," Gailbraith said.

"But it can be done, can it not?" Jareth pressed.

Gailbraith paused, conferring with his brethren without the use of words. After a few moments Gailbraith addressed the young Fae.

"Yes Goblin King, it is indeed possible. Come back to us once you have secured the agreement of the High Council and we will assist you with your task."

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"What, this is ridiculous!" Jareth shouted, outraged at the High Council's audacity.

"Come, come Jareth, we see this as a perfectly reasonable request for such a serious proposal," the High King responded, smiling at his youngest child's tantrum.

"You are using this as an opportunity to coerce me into giving you and mother grandchildren, not as a means of stabilising my kingdom," Jareth snapped.

"Three hundred years sitting on that throne and you have not undertaken a formal courtship. Questions are being raised as to your commitment to the succession. Surely someone has taken your fancy in that time?" Jareth's mother asked.

"Yes but that didn't quite go to plan, not for want of trying to impress," Jareth grumbled. "I will not prostitute myself to all the successful runners of the Labyrinth, it is degrading and quite frankly not all of them were women, so the succession is a moot point on this one."

"Hear me well Goblin King," the High King thundered, finally out of patience. "If you wish the summons rewritten you will choose a queen from the successful runners of the Labyrinth. A mortal bride will provide you with a sufficient number of heirs before they become full fae and you will have a Goblin Queen approved by the Labyrinth. Those are our terms." The High Council all nodded in agreement.

"Bugger!" muttered the Goblin King.

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Jareth arrived back at the castle, on approaching his throne his steward, Tariq, rushed in.

"Sire what news? Sir Didymus informed me you were petitioning the Oracles, but that was yesterday!" Tariq asked.

"We're doomed Tariq. The Oracles will not act without permission from the High Council, and they will not grant said permission unless I marry a successful runner to ensure the succession," Jareth sighed.

"Oh," Tariq said his brow drawn in thought. "Hang on, how many successful female runners have there been since the Champion?"

"I believe the number currently sits at ten, including her stubbornness," Jareth groused. "Just how am I supposed to go about this? Pay a visit to them all complete with flowers and chocolates? 'Hello my girl, fancy a life of immortality surrounded by a pack of unruly cretins. Don't worry about the décor, chicken shit washes out! No, really, are you sure I cannot tempt you?'" Jareth stated, waving his arms around to encompass the feather littered throne room.

The steward observed his King pacing around, carefully selecting the next goblin to defenestrate.

"I've got it!" Tariq answered. "A contest!"

"What?" Jareth glanced up at his servant.

"A contest, let them compete for your favour. Immortality is nothing to sniff at, mortals are all into the forever thing thanks to all those vampire movies," Tariq started, growing more enthused with his idea as each second passed. "The Goblins have been going on about a reality TV show ' _Bachelor of Love_ ' or something, where a mortal rock star gets to choose a mate from a selection of young ladies. They have to undertake tasks and compete against each other to obtain his affection."

"Really?" the Goblin King asked, an eyebrow raised. Being Fae, Jareth loved games and the idea of a contest with him as the prize began to tickle his tricky fancy. "A contest. Yes, I can see that working. It will also give me ample opportunity to humiliate all those irritating wenches who have wasted my time. What an excellent idea Tariq!" Jareth grinned wickedly, rubbing his hands together as he began to plan.

"Thank you Sire," Tariq beamed.

"First, bring me copies of this television programme so I can assess a strategy. Also, bring me dossiers on each of the successful female runners, including the Champion. I don't want to be bringing any girls here who have already settled and started families of their own," Jareth instructed.

"Yes Sire, straight away," Tariq bowed and hurried to do his King's bidding.

 _Well well well,_ thought Jareth. _This could work out to my advantage after all. I not only get to change the summons, but also have the opportunity to exact retribution on each and every one of those girls who beat my Labyrinth. Starting no less with the infuriating but delicious Sarah Williams. Oh yes, let the games commence!_

Tariq heard his master's deep cackle vibrating off the castle walls. A strange sense of foreboding dawned upon him.

Maybe he should have thought through his idea to the King, these poor girls won't know what hit them!

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 **Character List:**

Sarah Williams – currently twenty-four years of age, single, workaholic, foul mouthed

Jareth, Goblin King – vainglorious, sometimes single, conniving and clever, but vain

Tariq – GK's Steward, professional, courteous but terrified of upsetting his boss

Hoggle – Dwarf, getting on a bit, well-meaning but selfish by nature

Sir Didymus – clever, sees the bigger picture, chivalrous and loyal, which causes him some conflicts of interest due to his current employer

Couric – a Fae Noble and friend to the GK, always has an angle to play, epitome of a fae, lives like a bachelor but never lonely

Galen - a Fae Noble and friend to the GK and Couric's sidekick. Renowned for his terrible high pitched girly laugh

Elise - an Elf and owner of the Pleasure Meadow club

Kermit and Miss Piggy - two goldfish that were wished away and are now Jareth's pets.

 _The Labyrinth Winners:_

Chun Ng – aka JC Penny. From Hong Kong, lives in LA, Astro-Physicist, very clever, wished away her dog when drunk to meet the GK.

Shante Latimore – aka The Man-eater. From Connecticut. Overtly sexual, determined but lazy, relies on her assets to get what she wants, but she is not stupid.

Crystal Hudson – aka Blondie. Canadian PR Advertising Executive. Smart, love games and puzzles, resourceful, attractive.

Katherine (Kitty) Farthingale – aka Squeaky. Australian born Filipino, Seventeen-years old, works with children. A bit scatty and naive.

Rhiannon Cherry – aka Freckles. Irish, works for the British Civil Service as a Trade Negotiator. Commercially driven.

Sabine Lennear – French. Can take a grudge a bit too far, wished her boss away as he got on her nerves.

Darla Foxe – American college graduate. Lots of debt and a disappointing life, sees the Underground and marriage to the GK as a sweet deal.

Jaime Barnett – aka Walmart. Fan of all things occult and obsessed with the idea of immortality. Sees hooking up with a fae as her ticket to eternal life.

Susan Briggs - The only other Winner to wish away a child apart from Sarah. She is in effect Sarah's wing man and finds Jareth about as attractive as a Creepy Uncle. She is playing the part of a competition contestant so Jareth doesn't take her brother back, to spite her unwillingness to be there.


	2. Chapter 2 - There is always Susan Briggs

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to the Labyrinth, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette or Rock of Love, all original characters are owned by Henson et al.

Chapter 2

Meanwhile, Aboveground, a twenty-four year old Sarah Williams was returning home after a day of work at Elstree Studios. Following selling the rights to her adaptation of the Labyrinth, Sarah had managed to forge a moderately successful career as a screenwriter. It was a remarkable trick of fate that she was able to do so, as Sarah believed her story was based on a pre-existing book. However, following her dream of the Labyrinth, Sarah's red bound copy had mysteriously disappeared and any attempts she had made to track down another one, or even a mention of the existence of the book, had proved futile. She mused on her good fortune.

At age eighteen she attended University in London, where her roommate Sal had 'borrowed' Sarah's story and gave it to her Dad to look at. He was an up-and-coming film producer, who was looking for an idea for a children's adventure movie. He loved the story and approached Sarah with an offer to make it into a film. She explained her story was based on an old book that she no longer had, which inspired her dream and thus her adaptation. Following a lengthy investigation it was determined that the original story did not in fact exist or was lost forever. After taking legal advice the project was given the 'green light' and Sarah sold her rights to her story, just happy that her university education was now paid for. On graduating, Sarah decided to stay in the UK as she had fallen in love with the English countryside. Its sense of history and magic was food for her creative powers, but she travelled back to the States at least once a year to visit her family.

On entering her tiny cottage that was situated on the outskirts of Hertford, Sarah pressed 'play' on her answerphone whilst filtering through her mail.

 _BEEP_

"Hey honey, it's Dad. Just wondered if you had got around to booking your flight yet? Our schedule is getting pretty busy and we want to make sure we can collect you from the airport. Call me back."

 _BEEP_

"Hey Sarah, it's Elaine. Warner have phoned again wanting to know if the second draft is ready. They are getting pretty arsey, so can you please get back to them today, at least with a timeframe, cheers ma lovely."

 _BEEP_

"Urgh!" Sarah moaned, slipping off her heels whilst opening a bottle of red. It was whilst pouring a healthy glassful that she noticed the crystal sitting on her kitchen table. Her entire body froze. _No one had access to her home but her, how the hell did that-_

"Shit!" Sarah gasped suddenly, the wine overflowing onto the table. She quickly reached for a cloth to mop the spillage, grabbing the crystal out of the way. It began to glow a bright white in her hand and she dropped it instinctively, in its place stood a small goblin in official looking robes. With a flourish it produced a tatty scroll and began to read.

"Ahem, Sarah Williams, you are cordially invited to attend the Beltane Feast to be held at the Castle Beyond the Goblin City, two days hence at 7 of the Above o'clock. To accept the invitation merely tap the crystal once, at which time it will turn blue. To decline the invitation tap twice and it will turn red," the goblin then bowed with more grace than she would have given it credit and promptly disappeared.

"Wait, what? Hey!" Sarah shouted but found herself alone with a crystal once again. _Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!_ Sarah sat on the floor staring in amazement at the crystal _. It was all real, I didn't dream it. Then that means…_ Sarah scrambled up from the floor and ran to the mirror in her bedroom.

"Hoggle, Hoggle are you there?" Sarah called, tensely waiting for a response. When nothing happened she felt herself relax. Then a voice inside her head echoed " _N_ _ot when you ask the right questions."_

"Hoggle, I need you," Sarah called. The mirror shimmered and there sat her old friend. "Oh Hoggle it's you, you're real!" Sarah cried reaching her hand forward to touch the glass.

"Sarah, what's you doing calling? It's been years, you never have before!" the dwarf's amazement quickly turning to wounded pride.

"I never thought, that is I can't believe it was real. Oh Hoggle I am so sorry," Sarah whispered and they both sat there looking at each other, neither were prepared for the conversation and were unsure how to continue.

"Ahem, well, how have ya been Sarah?" Hoggle asked, hating the awkwardness.

"Um, great yes, no, just argh sorry Hoggle. I have only just realised that the Labyrinth is real. I spent the last nine years believing I dreamt it all," Sarah said.

"Why on earth would you think you dreamt it girl?" Hoggle asked, rolling his eyes at her perceived stupidity.

"Oh come on, how the hell could it have been real? There was no trace of anything to do with my adventure afterwards, it all seemed so hazy. I was ill with the flu for a few days after. I guess I convinced myself it was a dream brought on by the onset of fever." Sarah replied "It's a good job really, otherwise I may have ended up in the nuthouse. Which I am guessing is still an option now!" Sarah groaned rubbing her temples.

"The flu eh? Well smelling the bog for the first time can do that to you. I was laid up a week the first time after I smelt it," Hoggle shuddered at the memory. "So why did you make a film of us then? If we were just a dream."

"You know about that?" Sarah asked, not realising that they had television or indeed electricity in the Underground.

"Whole Underground knows about that. Did you have to show me peeing into the pond Sarah? I couldn't walk into a tavern for months afterwards without everyone saying, look there's 'Can't hold it Hoggle! Watch out Nymphs protect your ponds!'" he groused.

"Oh Hoggle, I didn't actually write that screenplay or get involved too much in the making of the film. I didn't know they'd include that, I guess they thought it would be funny," Sarah ventured.

At Hoggle's glare Sarah swiftly moved on with the conversation. "What about Ludo and Sir Didymus?"

"Ludo was made 'The Kingdom Rock Caller', seeing as though a large portion of the Goblin City needed to be rebuilt following your run, and what with his skills with rocks an' all.." Hoggle trailed off. "Sir Didymus is now in charge of morale, instructing the castle goblins to be brave. Since the bridge over the bog's no longer there he found himself without a vocation. Not sure he is happy about it though. When 'He' isn't there the goblins are almost uncontrollable. The King can be very sneaky in his appointments, as more often than not they feel like punishments."

The mention of Jareth brought Sarah up short. Ofcourse if the Labyrinth was real then so was he. Not being able to register how she felt about that she asked Hoggle "And the Goblin King, is he OK, I mean was he really mad at you all about what happened?"

"He was at first, but there was so much to do after you left and then there was the political fallout and explanations to the High Council. By the time he got round to dispatching vengeance on us he had calmed down a bit," Hoggle reflected. "We were all put on clean up duty and he keeps a very close eye on us now as I said."

"So what about you Hoggle, what do you do now?" Sarah asked.

"Me, same as always. I greet runners at the start of the Labyrinth, plus a bit of pest control if I get time," Hoggle muttered.

"Runners, you mean there are more?" Sarah asked.

"Oh Sarah you don't know the half of it. Since your film came out the number of wish-aways has gone through the roof," Hoggle declared.

"Why? The story behind the film is supposed to be a moral, not to take things for granted. Why would people be prompted to make the wish?" Sarah exclaimed.

"Might have something to do with the popularity of a certain Goblin King?" Hoggle grumbled.

"Oh no, Oh god," Sarah moaned putting her head in her hands.

"Really Sarah did you have to portray him as temptation in tights?" Hoggle reprimanded.

"I didn't-" she began.

"Well you could have fooled me!" Hoggle snapped.

"But those pants were nowhere near as explicit as the real thing..." Sarah trailed off and took a sudden interest in her shirt cuff.

"He's seen as quite the catch among young mortal girls now, they've been wishing away all sorts just to get a chance to meet him," Hoggle continued ignoring her previous comment.

"But it was not supposed to be real, it was just a film," Sarah defended.

"Don't get me wrong, the film has provided enough magical sustenance for the Labyrinth to last ten mortal lifetimes, in the beginning we were all overjoyed. However the King is now struggling with the number of wish-aways, so let's just say you are not his favourite person at the moment," Hoggle warned.

"Of all the ungrateful," Sarah could feel her hackles rising then dismissed it as not her problem. "Fine, can't he just not respond to a call! Anyway he can't be that mad at me, seeing as though I have been invited to the Beltane Feast," Sarah rationalised.

"What?" Hoggle gasped, thick eyebrows raised in astonishment.

"That's how I knew you were real, that's why I called." Sarah went on to relate her incident with the crystal.

"Ah, erm so what yer going to do?" Hoggle asked, his unease growing.

"I don't know, what do you think Hoggle, should I go? Sarah asked.

"Well, it's not for me to say like-" Hoggle began.

"It's not a trap is it, to keep me in the Underground, I mean if he is as cross as you say he is?" Sarah said.

"Never knows with His Nibs. Although there has been a lot of activity at the castle recently, more so than usual for the Beltane Feast. I will check with Didymus and get back to you. Call me again same time tomorrow," Hoggle said.

"But what about the crystal?" she asked.

"Don't touch it for now, we don't know what we are dealing with," Hoggle advised.

"But the feast is on Saturday, that's two days Hoggle," Sarah said.

"Well, you can always refuse the invitation to be on the safe side," Hoggle suggested.

"What if it's my chance, to see you all again. What if it's harmless and I am turning down an amazing opportunity?" Sarah said, her anxiety rising with Hoggle's impending departure.

"Well then I better get going to find out all I can. Remember to call for me tomorrow. Goodbye Sarah," Hoggle called.

"Goodbye Hoggle," Sarah whispered, touching the mirror surface as her friend's face faded away.

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Jareth entered the throne room, a spring in his step as he whistled the theme tune to _'Rock of Love'_. He had spent the afternoon going through season two and had come up with more interesting ideas to test the successful runners. He was particularly interested in the pole dancing challenge!

"So, how are the arrangements coming along, Tariq?" Jareth enquired, sprawling on his throne.

"Very well your Majesty, all the crystals have been delivered and so far I have had five acceptances," Tariq replied.

"Any issues?" Jareth asked as he produced and manipulated a crystal.

"Most of the ladies took a few hours to adjust to their memories being returned. One, a Susan Briggs, reacted quite violently to Squeek. I think the combination of retaining her memories and finding a goblin in her lounge was a bit too much," Tariq replied. "The healer is with him now."

"What did she do to him? Goblin's are resilient creatures," Jareth's attention on Tariq, his curiosity now peaked.

"She was, erm, naked when she picked up the crystal, had just finished showering so Squeek was more of an unwelcome surprise than expected. Naturally she went into self-defence mode and needless to say it looks unlikely there will be any mini Squeeks running around any time soon," Tariq grimaced.

Jareth burst into laughter "Susan Briggs, I remember her now, the ginger spitfire! Sounds like she has the makings of a good queen." Jareth's chuckling slowly ceased. "What of the Champion?"

"I believe the first thing she did was contact Hoggle," Tariq replied.

Jareth returned his gaze to the crystal "Did she accept?"

"No response as yet Sire," Tariq said.

"Send me the dwarf," Jareth commanded.

"He is already here visiting Sir Didymus," Tariq said.

"What?" and with that Jareth vanished, it wouldn't do for Sarah to have a heads-up, not 'fair' on the others one might say.

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In another part of the castle, Sir Didymus was filling Hoggle in on the Royal gossip.

"Blimey!" said Hoggle.

"Quite," Sir Didymus replied.

"How on earth is he planning on getting them to agree to all this?" Hoggle asked.

"Most of them will jump at the opportunity, they did after all wish things away just to meet His Majesty. The incentive to become Queen and immortal is an honour," declared Sir Didymus.

"Sarah won't see it that way," Hoggle observed.

"I believe His Majesty has a plan B in that instance," Sir Didymus whispered.

At that moment Jareth appeared. "Ah Hogbrain, just the dwarf I was looking for."

"Your Majesty," Hoggle genuflected.

"Enjoy your visit with Sarah?" Jareth asked.

"Ah, yes Your Majesty," replied Hoggle, not sure what the correct answer was supposed to be.

"Did you talk about the feast?" Jareth asked.

"She may have mentioned it," said Hoggle.

"Hogwart, you know very well I am enquiring as to her response to the invitation," Jareth snapped.

"Hasn't made up her mind, says she's not sure she can trust you, to be bygones and the like," Hoggle confessed.

"She needs to attend the feast Hoggle, as you are probably aware thanks to Didymus here," Jareth glared at the Knight "unless we at least attempt to get ourselves a queen, you will be doomed to deceiving runners for the next twenty years," Jareth paused for effect "without a holiday!"

"What?" Hoggle squeaked.

"Well there are just so many of them Hogbrain, so I am afraid time-off will not be possible," Jareth innocently stated, strutting back and forth. "Unless ofcourse I can change the summons."

"But we don't need Sarah for that," Hoggle said.

"Well Hogball, let's see. Who would you prefer to have as Queen? I believe Sarah was the only one to stir such loyal feelings in that disgustingly treacherous heart of yours," Jareth sneered.

"I guess so," said Hoggle "but what if it's not what she wants?"

"Well there is always Susan Briggs," Jareth stopped pacing, playing his ace card.

Hoggle visibly paled and gulped at the memory of the terrifying red head. "Well when you put it that way Your Majesty."

Jareth beamed at the dwarf, now confident of his assistance.

All of a sudden the 'Gong' echoed loudly through the Kingdom and Jareth and Hoggle groaned.

"It appears there is another summons Your Majesty" declared Sir Didymus. With a scowl Jareth vanished covering both of his subjects in glitter.

Hoggle stood up and dusted himself off. "Bloody stuff gets everywhere," he complained.

"No time to chat dear Hoggle, you must get yourself into position in case the wisher chooses to run the Labyrinth," Sir Didymus said.

"Bloody film!" snapped Hoggle.

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A/N Thanks for those of you who took the time to review and message me. Note I do not have a Beta so all mistakes are mine : )

Bit of a longer chapter this time. Sorry it's more informative than fun but we can't go straight to the feast without introducing Sarah and establishing what happened to everyone since the film left off. Also I have taken poetic licence on the whole Sarah's copyright of the Labyrinth issue. I know it's more likely a production company wouldn't touch it with a barge pole unless there was an extensive re-write. But for the purposes of this story she got to sell the rights to her adaptation OK? If you can suspend your disbelief that there are goblins hosting a reality TV style matchmaking contest then you can play along re the copyright wobblyness : ) Next up the feast!


	3. Chapter 3 - Great Balls of Misfire

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to the Labyrinth, all original characters are owned by Henson et al.

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On the Friday after work, Sarah sped home in her VW Corrado, breaking the speed limit and making herself unpopular to the other drivers on the A414 towards Hertford.

"What's your problem?" shouted the driver of a white transit van, as he drew up alongside her at the traffic lights.

"What are you talking about? It's called overtaking," Sarah explained whilst his two younger colleagues next to him were grinning and winking at her.

"Bloody woman drivers, your man needs to sort you out and teach you how to drive," grouched the driver.

"Well he would but he is chained up on my bed at the moment, so if you'll excuse me I must get back to feed him!" and with that Sarah blew him a kiss and gave a little wave as the lights changed and she took off. "What a cock!" she exclaimed watching their open mouthed expressions in her rear-view mirror.

She arrived at her cottage in record time. On entering her home, she threw her bag down and headed to her bedroom. Sitting at the vanity table she gazed into the mirror.

"Hoggle, I need you," she called.

The mirror shimmered and there was Hoggle. "Ah Sarah there ye are."

"So, what did you find out? Is it safe to go to the feast?" she asked.

"I checked with Sir Didymus and no harm will come to ye if ye attend the feast," Hoggle replied, appalled with himself how like the fae he was becoming with his tricky responses. It was not a lie, Sarah would not come to any harm, what time she would be allowed to return was another matter entirely. He really didn't want to trick her, but the thought of Susan Briggs as queen was not something to be taken lightly. In addition, he had really missed Sarah and wanted to have this time with her. If Jareth wanted Sarah in the Underground it was going to happen, so why try to fight it. After much thought Hoggle decided he might as well keep close to his Majesty to find out all he can, that way he could be more help to Sarah if she decided that staying was really not an option. As loathed as he was to admit it, the King was right, something had to be done about the level of runners.

"Oh thank god, I was so hoping I could come back to visit you all," Sarah beamed. "I wonder what I should wear, any ideas Hoggle?"

"A dress, you do own a dress don't ye?" Hoggle asked gesturing with his gnarled hands to her Aboveground attire.

"Like a cocktail dress?" she asked.

"You would wear something made of cocks and tails?" Hoggle gasped.

"No silly, it's formal wear. I have one that is sleeveless but reaches the floor, look," Sarah jumped up and ran to her wardrobe, pulling out a floor length crimson number and showing it to Hoggle.

"Very nice, yeah, it's not Underground fashion but none of the Aboveground guests will be dressed like fae, so I guess that'll do. Better than what you wore on your run," Hoggle added.

Sarah smiled at her friend. "This is going to be so great, you will all be at the feast right?" Sarah asked.

"I was told there'd be an opportunity to see ye," Hoggle conceded, not looking directly at her. Hoggle then gave a loud groan.

"What's the matter Hoggle?" Sarah asked, pausing in her perusal of her dress.

"There's been another summons, we've only just got rid of the one from yesterday. _He's_ not going to be happy," Hoggle shook his head.

"Just how many runners do you get on average?" she asked.

"At least four a week in terms of summons, although not everyone runs. At one point we had three runners in the Labyrinth at the same time. Caused no end of trouble, the helping hands are starting to develop carpal tunnel syndrome," Hoggle said.

"How many! That's insane Hoggle, those poor children," Sarah exclaimed.

"It's not always kids that get wished away. Look I gotta go, I need to get to the front gates just in case they run. Bye Sarah," Hoggle said.

"See you tomorrow Hoggle," Sarah called as her friend vanished from view.

Sarah spun around laughing, clutching the dress to her. She couldn't wait to see her friends for a visit, who knows maybe it could be a start of many short trips, it would help her writing no end. It would also give her the opportunity to get some closure with Jareth, who knows maybe they could become friends. Not before she gave him plenty of stick for beating the Labyrinth ofcourse, he wasn't going to get away 'scott-free' for the tricks he pulled during her run.

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Jareth entered his office and tossed his cape onto the goblin standing by the door. He threw himself into the chair behind his desk and propped his boots up on the surface.

"Thank god they didn't run," he sighed as he leaned back and closed his eyes. "Considering it was only goldfish wished away this time."

"Fish?" asked Tariq, who had followed his Majesty into the office.

"A seven-year-old girl decided to wish away her goldfish. She overheard her father saying they were not taking them when they moved house and he was planning on flushing them down the toilet," Jareth elaborated.

"How barbaric!" gasped Tariq.

"Quite, I am rather fond of them already. I am going to call them Kermit and Miss Piggy," Jareth declared, looking at the bowl containing said fish that a goblin had just bought into the office and placed on the desk by his Majesty's feet. The larger of the two fish, aka Miss Piggy, was harassing the slightly smaller one.

"What of the child?" asked Tariq.

"I thanked her for the gift and promised to take care of them, in return her family are going to win a surprise trip to Disneyland this summer," Jareth said, still watching the bossy fish plague Kermit.

"Lovely for the girl but why would his Majesty reward the parents? They were in a sense sending these innocent creatures to their very own bog of eternal stench," said Tariq.

"Do not fret Tariq, the father is going to spend two hours suspended upside down from a roller-coaster before being rescued," Jareth replied.

"Very good, Your Majesty," Tariq responded, suppressing his grin.

Jareth chuckled "What news of our lovely ladies?"

"Apart from one, everyone else has accepted, including Susan Briggs surprisingly," Tariq said.

"I am sure that one has accepted just to give me a piece of her mind. Who is the one outstanding response?" Jareth asked.

Tariq looked at the floor and took a deep breath "The Champion."

"What?" Jareth pinned Tariq with his gaze and sat forward, dropping his feet to the floor "Hogbrain!" shouted Jareth into a crystal.

"Your Majesty," Hoggle sputtered zipping up his trousers.

"Have you spoken to Sarah Williams?" Jareth asked.

"Yes, she says she's coming," Hoggle said.

"She has not responded to the crystal. When did you speak to her?" Jareth questioned.

"An hour ago," Hoggle said looking over his shoulder. The sound of a screeching Nymph could be heard in the background.

"I hope you were convincing Hoggle," Hoggle's attention came back to his King "for Susan Briggs has accepted." At Hoggle's look of horror Jareth dismissed the crystal and cackled loudly.

"What do you want to do about the Champion, Your Majesty?" Tariq asked once Jareth had composed himself. The King scowled.

"Why has she not officially accepted? Obstinate, infuriating female!" Jareth rubbed his gloved fingers across his lips. "She has to be here Tariq, although I would rather it was of her own accord."

"I don't see how we can force her, Sire," Tariq said.

"Oh Tariq, how little you know your King," Jareth smirked. Summoning another crystal as his adviser fled the room.

Tariq was no simpleton, his King's interest in the Williams woman was more than just frustration and revenge. If the movie was anything to go by, his Majesty had offered for her, even though she was an adolescent. Although no one really knew the workings of the King's mind, Tariq believed Jareth was fooling himself if he thought he could pull this off and get what he wanted from the High Council, without getting saddled with a queen. They needed a plan B and the best candidate by far was Sarah Williams, as she was the only one who appeared to capture the King's attention. Therefore, tricking and aggravating her was not on Tariq's 'to do' list. How to keep it off of the King's was going to be the difficult task.

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Saturday arrived and with it the day of the Beltane feast. Sarah was dressed in her gown and had styled her hair in a half-up do, the length trailing in waves down to the arch of her back. She twirled to and fro in front of her mirror. She knew she looked fantastic and couldn't wait to see everyone again, including Jareth. She wondered if he had aged much and if he still wore those ridiculously tight pants. She laughed as the image of a blonde Keith Richards came to mind, desperately trying to hang onto his youth.

"Well if he's kept the mullet then that will be the answer to the mid-life crisis question," Sarah said aloud.

Her eyes were suddenly drawn to the crystal. "Crap, I was supposed to answer that."

She hurried over to the table, thinking about the invitation. "What was it, tap once for yes to turn it blue, or twice for no to turn it red."

She was about to reach for it when something made her pause. Thinking of Jareth she suddenly felt uneasy. _Why would he invite me to a Beltane feast of all things, without contacting me first for a 'Hi how are you?' or to clear the air?_

"Why get me to go all the way to the Underground?" A horrible thought occurred to Sarah " _Unless he has no power over me here and that will change once I touch this crystal. Hoggle said I wouldn't come to harm but he didn't say if Jareth was still mad at me or indeed why I was invited_." She was so excited at the prospect of seeing her friends that she didn't stop to think what the repercussions would be. She cursed herself for being such an idiot and not asking more questions of Hoggle. She frowned and rubbed her temples. " _Look Hoggle said it was fine and he's very astute, not someone to be fooled or deceived easily"_. With a shake of her head she took a deep breath.

"Stop being such a wuss Sarah, it's fine just tap the damn crystal," and with that Sarah picked up the crystal in both hands. It started to glow softly.

She smiled as her mind returned to Hoggle. He was such a wily cantankerous old sod, " _but he is also a coward and always serves his interests first. He said I was safe at the feast, but what about after_?" The memory of Hoggle's betrayal with the peach chose that moment to rise up like a slap in the face.

"Hoggle what have you done?" Sarah said aloud. In a panic Sarah had a change of heart and tapped the crystal twice expecting it to turn red, it started to glow pink then there was a small flash and it turned to blue.

"What! I tapped twice!" she shouted, tapping the crystal frantically as it glowed a brighter and brighter blue "Turn red, turn red, turn red! I'm not going!" The crystal got brighter and brighter until the whole room was enveloped in a dazzling blue glow. Sarah could feel the air start to tingle.

"Oh, Shit. HOGGLE! YOU CU-" Sarah screeched as she vanished from the room.

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A/N Always happy to receive your reviews. I know I said this one would include the feast but it would have made it a ridiculously long chapter and I am already two weeks overdue in getting this out!


	4. Chapter 4 - Need Tighter Trousers

Rating M – moved it up to M as the language is getting stronger and for other more adult type scenes in future chapters. Personally I think teens can handle _The Goblinerette_ at this stage but I don't want my story to get pulled from the site : )

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

Pre-note – there are a lot of new characters in this chapter, do not worry if you cannot keep track of them all, it's disorientating for Sarah so if you feel the same then put that down to character empathy!

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Sarah materialised in a stone antechamber, in front of her were large wooden double doors through which she could hear music and conversation. From the corner of the room a young man stepped forward, he had brown curly hair cropped short and a cheerful smile plastered on his face.

"Miss Williams, welcome back to the Underground and more specifically to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City," he continued "I am Tariq, his Majesty's steward. I must say what a privilege it is to receive the Champion of the Labyrinth." Tariq completed his speech with a deep sweeping bow as he awaited Sarah's response.

"What the FUCK is going on here?" she screeched, making Tariq jump a good two feet backwards.

"Madam, I can assure you-" he began.

"Send me back, right now," Sarah demanded.

"Why, have you forgotten something? I am sure we can supply you with any manner of-"

"No! I did not agree to come here. I refused the invitation," Sarah interrupted.

"But... but Hoggle said you were coming," Tariq stuttered.

"Oh he did, did he? Where is that crafty little shit hiding?" Sarah asked glaring at Tariq.

"I am afraid I do not follow."

"Don't worry, I'll find him myself. Oh, and Tariq," Sarah called over her shoulder as she walked towards the doors.

"Yes, Miss?"

"Tell Jareth his balls don't work," she said, pushing open the double doors and marching through, leaving a confused fae doing an impression of a goldfish as he watched her leave.

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On entering the next room, Sarah could see a long dining table set for a dozen people. Standing around the table were eight other women, all wearing dresses in different Aboveground styles. They were conversing with each other and accepting refreshments from the number of fae and goblin servants who were meandering through the room. She looked around for Hoggle or anyone that she might recognise from her previous visit, there was no one she knew. At that moment, there was a shout from the antechamber and the doors swept open to reveal a very angry red-headed girl, wearing combat trousers and a Ramones t-shirt. She took one look at the girls in the room and rolled her eyeballs.

"Great, I have just walked into a sorority country club! Where is that glittery bastard who calls himself the Goblin King?" the redhead proclaimed to the room of now silent guests.

Sarah gaped at the girl. On recalling her own predicament, she approached tentatively. "Hi, um did you refuse the invitation too?"

"No, I accepted, I want to make sure his Royal Tartness never sends another goblin uninvited into my home again." She eyed Sarah up and down in an unfriendly manner. "From the looks of you, you accepted, or do you always dress up this fancy to turn something down?"

Sarah looked down at her dress and grimaced. "No, I got ready then changed my mind, I was worried this was a trap to get me under the King's control."

"You only thought that after you got ready? Not very bright are you!" the redhead scoffed.

"Says the girl who accepted the invitation and potentially has trapped herself down here just to give the King a piece of her mind!" Sarah snapped back, eyes flashing.

Taken aback the redhead paused and took a closer look at the raven-haired girl, sensing a kindred spirit. "Touché Princess," the corners of her mouth lifting ever so slightly as she offered Sarah a fist bump. "The name's Susan Briggs."

"Sarah Williams," she replied touching Susan's fist with her own "and it's Champion, not Princess."

"You're the Champion, Sarah Williams!" one of the girls squealed. Sarah turned to see the gaggle of females begin to rush over to her as they hurried to introduce themselves, eager to meet the woman who wrote the story of THAT film.

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Jareth straightened the collar and cuffs of his jewel encrusted coat and smirked at his reflection.

"Look at you tiger," he drawled eyeing himself from each angle. Jareth turned from his dressing mirror as Tariq entered the royal chambers.

"The ladies are all assembled Your Majesty, I think it wise I go down first to announce the true purpose of their visit with us, then you can make your royal appearance," Tariq said.

"Excellent idea Tariq, I shall watch from my crystals to choose my moment," Jareth replied. He began to sing the lyrics to 'Rock of Love'

 _"I'll be your sugar daddy_

 _I'll be your diamond rings_

 _You'll be my dirty secret_

 _You'll be my sexy thing_

 _I'll take you platinum baby_

 _I'll be your Rock star_

 _I'll get you higher baby_

 _If you wanna go that far"_

Tariq grimaced as he hurried down to the dining room, praying that the Williams and Briggs girls didn't ruin this, or there would be nowhere far enough for him to go to escape the Goblin King's wrath.

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Sarah looked over at Susan, who was standing with her arms crossed and one eyebrow raised at the spectacle of sycophantic hens clucking around the Champion.

"We love your story," said a beautiful blonde bombshell.

"So romantic!" squeaked another.

"Did you love the Goblin King?" asked a petite girl who had introduced herself as Chun.

"What's up girl, why the hell did you say no, I would've ditched the brother and took up the offer of that fine ass," piped up a tall girl with a full bosom that was overflowing her dress, she was the epitome of a man-eater.

Sarah couldn't get a single world out as she was bombarded with a barrage of Jareth related questions. "Wait, wait! Hold on a minute please. Do you mean to tell me that you are here because you are all fans of the film?" Sarah asked.

"Not only that, thanks to you we have all been here and met him," blondie replied.

"What?" Sarah gasped.

Tariq chose that moment to enter the dining room. "Ladies, if you would please be seated, I have an announcement to make before the feast begins and we are joined by our illustrious host."

There was high pitched squealing to be heard from eight of the girls as they scurried to their seats. Sarah looked at Susan.

"Do you get the feeling we are the only sane people in the room?" Sarah asked.

"I am sticking with you, princess, those guys give me the fucking willies!" Susan responded, following Sarah to the table.

Once everyone was seated Tariq approached and started to unravel an official looking scroll. "As you may have ascertained during your conversations with each other, you all have something in common," he began.

The girls all looked at one another.

"We are all fans of the Goblin King?" asked the squeaky one who Sarah recalled being introduced as Kitty.

"How kind of you to say Miss, however that is not the reason you are here. You are here because you are all successful runners of the Labyrinth," he clarified.

"What?" Sarah said, "there were only ten successful runners?"

"Ten successful female runners, yes," answered Tariq.

"So where are all the successful male runners?" Susan asked, her countenance growing suspicious.

"Ahem well, you have all been invited here under the pretence of attending the Beltane Feast," Tariq said.

"Here it comes," said Sarah under her breath, although loud enough for Susan to hear.

"The feast will begin soon enough, however, I have a wonderful surprise for you all. His Majesty, the Goblin King, humbly requests the pleasure of the company of the Winners of the Labyrinth for the next four weeks, to allow him to court you all in the hopes of selecting one of you as the future Goblin Queen," Tariq paused and quickly glanced at the stunned faces around the table. He hurriedly continued. "His Majesty will be giving each of you the opportunity to demonstrate the skills you possess that would be beneficial as queen to such an important and high profile monarch. To do this you will be required to undertake certain tasks and trials where you will compete with one another to showcase your talents," Tariq declared.

"His Majesty wants to court us?" blondie asked.

"One of us gets to be Queen?" exclaimed Chun.

"Hang on, he gets to court all of us at once?" asked another girl with big blue eyes but a gazillion freckles.

"How does that work?" butted in her neighbour, who spoke with a heavy French accent.

"It sounds like the Bachelor!" Darla, the girl the other side of Sarah, exclaimed.

"Oh, I love that show," declared Kitty.

"Ah, I see you are familiar with the concept. Excellent, well this will all be a good natured and friendly competition with lots of fun and entertainment for you to enjoy," Tariq said beaming at the ladies.

"This is Bullshit, what if we don't want to marry that puffed-up Nancy Boy?" Susan asked.

"If the temptation of the King himself is not enough, then there is the gift of immortality that comes along with the title," Tariq responded drily.

"Oh my god we get to live forever! That's just like Twilight," sighed Darla.

"Oh, I love that film," gushed Kitty.

Sarah rolled her eyeballs. "Sorry Tariq, not interested, so after enjoying this little reunion I would appreciate being returned home."

"What's wrong with you girl? Can't you see a great opportunity when it hits you! Oh, no wait, you were the dumb-ass that chose to keep her brother," snarked the overflowing bosomed man-eater.

"How dare-" Sarah flared to be interrupted by Susan.

"How come you are a 'Winner' of the Labyrinth, if you didn't take back your wish-away and refuse the king?" Susan challenged overflowing bosoms.

"It was only my ma's pet Chihuahua, it was well worth the risk to meet that honey bun," she responded curling her lip. "Anyways I'd reached the castle so it turned out I'd already won 'Killer' back before I confronted that juicy-"

"But why bother to run, you would have met him when you wished your erm 'Killer' away?" Sarah interrupted, completely baffled.

"You're joking right, fear me, love me, do as I say?" she responded rolling her eyes at Sarah's obvious stupidity.

"But you didn't get offered that did you?" prodded Susan, finally figuring it out.

"He would have done but another runner summoned him," she huffed.

"Saved by the bell," Tariq muttered under his breath.

"What?" the man-eater asked.

"Nothing," Tariq coughed and continued. "Well ladies, now is your opportunity to impress His Majesty with your devotion to his subjects and the desire of becoming Queen."

"Tariq," Sarah interjected "I'm not interested, send me home."

"Make that two of us," Susan added.

Unbeknown to the ladies in the room, Tariq was beginning to panic and prayed Jareth would make his entrance soon.

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Jareth was staring through the crystal, his gaze locked onto Sarah. "Bloody hell she grew up to be more than even I imagined!" he mused. She even styled her hair similar to how it looked in the ballroom scene, although this dress was much more becoming on her slender frame. Jareth licked his lips and felt a tightness form in his nether regions. It was then that she insisted on being sent home and he immediately scowled at her image.

'You are not going anywhere my precious," Jareth said aloud, all the feelings of rejection and animosity rearing up at her stubborn refusal to stay. Jareth left his dressing room and headed down towards the dining room.

"One look at me in this coat and she will soon be changing her mind about going home, I am after all her dreams personified," he smiled smugly. "Not that she is going to get the chance to claim them this time, oh no, you are going to pay for the humiliation you have heaped upon me Champion!"

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Tariq tried to establish some calm but the ladies were all getting a bit too excited.

"Oh, this is so romantic!" declared Darla.

"Will it be televised in the Underground? Will we be famous?" asked blondie.

"Well-" began Tariq.

"I'll never have to work at Walmart again!" piped up Jamie, who up until now had kept quiet.

"Bring it on baby, I got this hands down," scoffed the man-eater.

"What do you mean you got this? What makes you think you have an edge, your dress isn't even designer," stated freckles.

"Oh please, that Stella McCartney you're wearing has seen more red carpet than an Irish lesbian!" Chun jumped in, snapping at freckles.

"How dare you, you JC Penny wearing bitch," freckles shrieked.

"Ladies, ladies please!" Tariq called just as a full wine glass went hurtling passed his face and landed on the table in front of Chun, soaking everyone nearby.

"I'm gonna break your face, shit splash!" screamed Chun, now unfortunately known as JC Penny.

"Leave her alone you SKANK!" shouted Darla.

"Did you just splash me with that," growled an infuriated Susan Briggs, rising from the table, hands fisted.

Tariq had begun to back-step towards the door, he hadn't survived centuries in the Underground Court without knowing when to retreat.

"Tariq get back here!" Sarah yelled as the steward fled the room whilst cutlery, glass, flower arrangements and crockery were hurled across the table amongst screeches of some very unladylike language.

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Jareth had just descended the staircase when Tariq burst through the dining room doors yelling "FLEE!" to the servants hovering outside.

"Tariq!" shouted Jareth.

"Run, Your Majesty!" Tariq called as he raced passed his sovereign.

On seeing the dining room door thud as something heavy and breakable shattered against the other side, Jareth began to back-up and placed a sealing spell on the doorway to ensure no one could get in or out of the room. The goblins hearing the noise and seeing their King's response flew into a panic. Jareth followed Tariq's swiftly retreating figure as his steward hurtled through the main doors into the courtyard. It was at that moment a loud shrill noise like an air raid horn shook the castle.

"What the hell is going on?" screamed Jareth.

"Oh no, it would appear the goblins have initiated the evacuation alarm for the Castle," Tariq moaned.

"And why pray tell would they do that?" the King asked.

"The ladies' exchanges got a bit heated and dare I say violent, Your Majesty," Tariq confirmed.

Jareth crouched down on the floor and put his head in his hands, as terrified subjects ran too and thro, yelling hysterically.

"Tariq," Jareth said in a deceptively mild voice.

"Yes, Sire?" Tariq winced.

"Cancel the evacuation," ordered the King.

At a wave of the steward's hand the fog horn stopped and the goblins froze in place.

"Subjects of the goblin castle," Jareth's voice boomed throughout the building, except for the dining room which was currently sealed off. "The threat has been contained and there is no need to evacuate. All of you get back to work now, that is an order."

The goblins looked at one another not moving.

"Well?" Jareth snarled "Move you imbeciles!"

They all ran back to their posts, whispering furiously about the crazy monster that had materialised in the dining room and attacked the guests at the feast.

"Tariq," Jareth summoned his steward in a deadly tone.

"Your Majesty?" Tariq squeaked.

"We are going to need tighter trousers!"

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A/N OK ENORMOUS Authors Note:

Thank you to all those who have reviewed, followed, favourited and sent PMs etc.

The dialogue between the girls is going to get bitchy, if any of you have seen _Rock of Love_ you will get what I mean. If I have them all acting nicey-nicey to each other it is not going to be believable. So on the off-chance anyone is offended by these exchanges, please take this as an apology in advance, it is not my intention to piss anyone off.

Suspension of disbelief: OK so the timeline is going to be a bit odd as _Labyrinth_ was made in 1986, Sarah is portrayed as 24 now and there are references to _Twilight, The Bachelorette_ and _Rock of Love_ , which obviously came along a lot later. I have purposefully not named the film as THE Labyrinth, I only refer to it as THAT film for a number of reasons, this being one of them. Therefore, I am asking you to ignore any discrepancies with the 'real world' timeline, as to be honest, it has no impact on the plot and this is hardly _War and Peace_!

References:

 _Go That Far_ \- Lyrics written by Bret Michaels

Stella McCartney dress joke courtesy of the late great Joan Rivers from an episode of Fashion Police

Recommendations:

If you like Labyrinth fanfiction that makes you laugh check out:

True Git – a western by TheRealEatsShootsAndLeaves

The T-shirt incidents by the mutli-talented Pika-la-Cynique

Reefer Magic by WhenasInSilks

ATTACK OF THE MARY SUE'S! by Redwood Manning

Just good friends by darkpartofmydestiny

And ofcourse anything by the incomparable Lixxle

Please PM me any similar recommendations : )


	5. Chapter 5 - A Terrible F'ing Evening

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

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Jareth stalked back into his castle with a nervous Tariq trailing his heels.

After a quick wardrobe change, the Goblin King surveyed himself in the mirror, the gold lamé leggings reflecting the light dramatically. He exited his chambers for the second time that evening and headed towards the dining hall, it was about time he took charge of the situation. He couldn't have the Underground Court privy to the fact that less than a dozen female mortals had managed to cause the evacuation of his castle within an hour of arriving Underground. He may as well wear a t-shirt saying 'Jareth The Goblin King, more hen-pecked than his chickens!'

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Meanwhile, after a crisis of conscience, Hoggle opened the panel by the fireplace in the Dining Room "PST… PSSSSST, over here!" Hoggle called to Sarah, who fortunately was only a few feet from him, hiding behind an overturned chair to protect herself from the cat war taking place in the centre of the room.

Sarah heard her treacherous friend's call over the din of the girls' fighting, "Hoggle!"

"Quick, come this way, I can get you out of here," he hissed.

Sarah didn't need asking twice as she headed over towards Hoggle and followed him through the panel, pausing briefly to glance at Susan who was busy holding Freckles in a headlock. She thought to call Susan to join her, but realised she couldn't do that without alerting the others.

"Where are we going?" she whispered loudly to Hoggle's waddling bottom, as they crawled on their hands and knees down the dark passageway.

"Not far, just needed to get you out of that room. The goblins have activated the emergency evacuation of the castle. This is the best distraction we could have hoped for to get you out of here," he responded in a harsh whisper.

"Why on earth would you worry about getting me out of here? _You_ said I wouldn't come to any harm at the Beltane Feast! And I have half a flower arrangement in my hair that contradicts your assertion!" Sarah snapped.

"I'm sorry Sarah. Didymus filled me in on what the plan was, however t'is true no harm will come to ye. It's just that it wouldn't've made any difference me telling ye not to come. His Majesty was determined that ye attend and what he wants, he gets. To be honest he may have a point."

"Hoggle!" gasped Sarah.

"Well think about it," he called over his shoulder "this whole mess is because ye used the bloody right words in the story ye sold to those film blokes. It turns out the King has petitioned the High Council to change the summons, but they will only do that if he selects himself a queen from the successful runners. Hence he had to make sure ye were all here."

"I'm not buying it. Why did he even give us the option of refusing the invitation if he was going to bring us here anyway?" Sarah challenged.

"Doesn't matter, you accepted didn't ye? Dress looks nice by the way," Hoggle offered with heavy sarcasm.

"No I didn't, it so happened I remembered the furry roofie you gave me and it caused me to have doubts as to your allegiance. Just shows how right I was on that score," Sarah quipped back.

"No fair Sarah, you said ye forgave me for that-"

"Anyway, I declined the invitation but the bloody ball glowed blue anyway and brought me here," she grumped.

"I see," Hoggle said starting to sound a bit sheepish.

"Do you? You realise I'm stuck here for four weeks unless I can convince Jareth to let me go home. I have a flight to catch on Tuesday for Christ sakes, my dad is meeting me from the airport!" Sarah wailed.

"If the only way out of here is to petition the King, why on earth are you following me?" Hoggle asked, slowing down.

"What? I thought you were leading me to a way out," Sarah challenged.

"Of the castle yes but I can't take you back to the Above, only the King can do that, right?" Hoggle questioned.

"Hang on, let me get this straight. If I have to confront that glittery bastard to get back, why the FUCK are we crawling along a corridor no bigger than an elephant's snatch?" Sarah screeched.

"Oh, see yer point, shall we go back then?" Hoggle asked.

Sarah hung her head and groaned loudly, _this is turning out to be a terrible fucking evening_.

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Jareth removed the containment spell and stormed into the dining room in a shower of glitter. The effect was impressive, emphasised by a loud clap of thunder and a rising wind that whipped through Jareth's hair, unfortunately blowing said glitter back into the faces of the snooping servants. Jareth ignored the coughing fits that broke out behind him.

"Ladies, how good of you to join me for the Beltane feast," Jareth declared whilst glaring at the bundle of arms and legs in the centre of the room in an imitation of a Six Nations rugby scrum.

"Your Majesty," was heard by a number of quaint voices as well as much scrambling and oomphing, as the Winners of the Labyrinth pulled themselves back into individuals again. Various forms of curtsying and bowing were then demonstrated from all except one.

Susan Briggs stood, hand on hip and a sneer on her lips, "So now you decide to show yourself."

Ignoring Susan, Jareth turned to his steward "Tariq, would you be so good as to escort the ladies to their chambers to freshen up whilst we straighten the room." His tone then sharpened as his gaze traversed the Labyrinth Winners, "And where is my Champion?!"

Jareth was about to instigate a thorough search of the castle and Goblin City when the panel opened and a rather crumpled, albeit shapely, posterior emerged followed by a very dusty dwarf.

"Well, what do we have here?" Jareth announced, glaring at Hoggle.

"Your Majesty," Hoggle bowed "Happy Beltane-

"Silence, I don't think I want to know," Jareth snapped "Tariq, I believe I gave you instructions to see to our guests. Miss Briggs, Miss Williams," Jareth paused, locking eyes with Sarah making it clear not a word was to be uttered "you will come with me."

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Jareth glared at the two trouble makers standing across from his desk. They had retired to his study and Sarah was reminded of her last trip to the headmaster's office, when she and her friends had been caught for their part as look-outs in the escalating prank war between two house teams. Needless to say, Headmaster Cobblerbob was unimpressed to find his car on top of the gymnasium, to this day no one knew how the students had managed that feet.

"Well, ladies, you certainly have a flair for the dramatic," Jareth began.

"That's rich coming from you," Susan snapped. "Would you mind telling me what the hell is going on here with the Stepford Housewives?"

"You know very well why you are here, as Tariq has informed you. I understand that you both have objections to the contest," Jareth steepled his hands together, resting his chin on them.

"Goblin King, whatever this is all about, Susan and I want no part of it," Sarah snapped "send us back now."

"Always quick to give orders aren't we Champion, and you will address me as Your Majesty," Jareth spoke in a deceptively calm voice. "Now let us see, the prospect of immortality and my good self is not enough to tempt you to take part in four weeks of fun and games."

"Not even slightly," Sarah quipped.

"Nope!" snorted Susan.

"Well then, how about upping the stakes hmm?" Jareth purposefully choosing the words for Sarah's benefit.

 _I don't like the sound of this,_ Sarah groaned inwardly.

"You both ran my Labyrinth and won back your charges fair and square, despite intentionally wishing them away in the first place," Jareth began. "However, on accepting the invitation to return Underground you have unfortunately put yourselves at a disadvantage and within my power, although that was not my initial intent-"

"Bottom line Gob... Your Majesty, what's it going to take to send us back now? Some of us have lives to get back to," Sarah interrupted.

"Cutting to the chase it is," Jareth declared "You may go back to the Above now, but the cost is to return the ones you originally wished away."

"What?" both girls shrieked.

"No exceptions, no negotiations, no passing go and collecting £200 Tra la la," Jareth sing-songed.

"But that's-" Sarah began.

"Bollocks! That's what it is," screeched Susan, gearing herself up to go Detroit all over a certain monarch.

Jareth held up his hand. "Unless, you both agree to stay for the four weeks and take part in the contest. Even if you have no desire to win it. You have to prove to me and everyone else that you are after the prize, and trust me ladies, if I get the impression you are not being _convincing,_ Tobias and Jerome will find themselves residents of the Goblin City before you can blink!"

The girls just stared wide-eyed at Jareth.

"Shall I take it by your silence that I have made myself rightly clear?" he asked.

Susan was fuming but Jareth had hit on the one weakness that the girls had. "Yes," she mumbled.

Jareth lent forward and cupped his hand to his ear "What was that?"

"Yes, Your Majesty," Susan flared communicating her loathing through a loaded stare.

"Good, Tariq!" Jareth called and his steward duly entered the room. "Please take Miss Briggs to her room so she can change into something more appropriate for the feast," Jareth ordered, his gaze swiftly taking in the t-shirt and combat pants with distaste.

Sarah turned to leave, her eyes downcast.

"Sarah, you will stay," Jareth added.

Once the door had closed Jareth stood from behind his desk and walked around to the edge where he lent against the corner, folding his arms across his chest.

"Nothing to say?" he sneered sardonically.

"Why?" she looked up, eyes locking onto his. "Why do you need us both here, there are eight other winners who would take you up on your offer in a heartbeat. What should it matter if Susan and I take part?"

Jareth looked Sarah up and down and then shook his head. "There is more at stake here than you realise, little girl. What you did on your return had consequences, of which I believe Hoggle has informed you."

"You mean the film and the number of runners?" she ventured.

"Quite so," was Jareth's only response, irritating Sarah to the point of boiling.

"Oh for the love of… I didn't realise that it was real! And, anyway from what I understand you guys have been benefiting from it up until recently. You're welcome by the way! Jeez can't you just ignore a summons if it's getting too much? Or I don't know, hire a troupe of transvestite showgirls to take shifts at being you?" Sarah snapped.

Jareth bristled at the insult. "Watch your tone Sarah, I am not without power."

"I am sorry Y _our Majesty,_ but it's hard to take you seriously when you look like something from Flash Gordon's rejected prop wardrobe. Where the hell did you get those pants?" Sarah quipped.

"How DARE you! I will have you know that elven widows worked for forty days and nights, straining their eyes and tiring their hands, to produce the cloth alone," Jareth squawked, all pretence of suave sexy king evaporating.

"Judging from the colour I can see why," Sarah responded "and you haven't answered my question."

"Nor will I, believe it or not the chaos caused this evening has delayed the beginning of the feast and there will be other guests arriving shortly, whom you ladies were supposed to be introduced to," Jareth said waspishly, still smarting over her insult to his wardrobe.

"This is more important," Sarah declared.

"Not now, if you want your questions answered I suggest you start giving something in return. Make an effort, get changed out of that," he gestured to the dust covered travesty that was once her beautiful dress, "and join the others in the dining room." With that he returned to his chair, dismissing her from his attention.

Sarah just stood there bristling at his attitude and then glanced down at her ruined dress, at that moment Tariq appeared to retrieve her. "Miss Williams, if you will follow me," he said kindly.

At the doorway, she turned back to look at Jareth, "This isn't over Goblin King," she said icily.

"On the contrary _Sarah,_ " he drawled out her name like a caress "the games have yet to begin."

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 _AN:_ I hope you enjoyed, please review : )

Recommendation:

Short Stacks by TheRealEatsShootsAndLeaves – a collection of drabbles and the funniest and most adorable variation of life in the goblin kingdom after Jareth and Sarah get together, my favourite! Frank the Pigeon – genius!


	6. Chapter 6 - Son of a Bitch!

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ Thanks for the favourites, follows, feedback etc. very much appreciated.

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Sarah followed Tariq down several corridors before he stopped by an inconspicuous door that she assumed led to her room. Tariq opened the door onto the most gorgeous sitting room that Sarah had seen, it was 'up there' with the solar at Knebworth House. The focal point of the room was a stone fireplace surrounded by oak panelling, above which hung small portraits of various individuals that Sarah did not recognise. The walls were a soft red, broken up by oak-panelled bookcases on either side of the fireplace and surrounding walls. There was a large floor-to-ceiling window to the left hand-side of the room, overlooking a picturesque garden and fruit orchard. The floor was covered in a large red and blue rug, upon which sat a round table flanked by two chairs and a large vase of bright blue and yellow flowers in the centre. There were two other doors leading from the room.

"Miss Williams, this will be your living quarters during your stay. The door to the right leads to your bedroom and the adjoining bathroom can be accessed from your room," Tariq announced, heading towards Sarah's bedroom.

"Adjoining? Will I be sharing with someone?" Sarah asked, following Tariq with less enthusiasm.

"Guess so," a voice called from behind.

Sarah looked back over her shoulder and into the visage of a pale looking Susan, who was at the threshold of the other door across from hers.

"Hey," Sarah smiled weakly "guess we're roomies then."

"Yeah, roomies, that's us," Susan replied.

Tariq reappeared in the doorway wondering why Sarah had not followed him. On seeing the awkward tension between the girls, he decided the tour could wait. "Well if there is anything you desire, you only need ring the bell on the mantelpiece and someone will attend you. Fresh clothes have been laid out on your bed, although I recommend a quick bath, miss."

Sarah looked down at herself and grimaced. Not quite how she wanted to look when confronting Jareth for the first time, but none of this had been handled on her terms.

"Thank you, Tariq," Sarah murmured.

"I shall be back to collect you both in forty-five minutes. Miss Williams, Miss Briggs," Tariq bowed and left the room.

"So..." Susan began.

"So…" Sarah echoed.

"How did it go with the baby snatcher? Did he have anything to add after I left?" Susan asked.

"Not really, I'm don't know why he asked me to stay, maybe he just wanted to ensure his point had been made. The last time I saw him I was fifteen, I thought he would be easier to deal with now I am twenty-four, but he was just as cryptic as ever," Sarah said, not wanting to appear unfriendly but she didn't feel like discussing her relationship with Jareth just then. "Look I better hurry and get changed, I need to gather my wits if we are about to walk into a room full of fae."

"What do you mean?" Susan asked.

"Apparently, we are to be introduced to some more guests at the feast, and I believe _he_ wants us on our best behaviour," Sarah said.

"I can't believe he threatened to take Jerome again, after everything I went through to get him back," Susan grouched, bristling at the unfairness of it all.

Sarah could tell Susan needed to vent, she was still reeling from the guilt on getting her memories back and judging by how explosive her temper was, it was probably best to get it out the way before they re-joined the farce downstairs. "What happened?"

"I was looking after my nephew; my half-sister is a lot older than me and she had this kid. He was such a pain in the ass, always pestering me to play, which was fine for a while but I was going through a break-up at the time and wasn't in the mood," Susan frowned, shaking her head. "Anyway, he made me watch your film earlier that day and was running around yelling he was going to dip me into the bog or whatever if I didn't cheer up and play goblins with him. He then threw a ball at me and I just saw red. He was only acting out the big battle in the Goblin City but that ball fucking hurt. I yelled at him that I wished the goblins would come take him away and then _he_ arrived."

Sarah lowered her eyes, knowing what was coming.

"I told him I didn't mean it…" Susan said, replaying the encounter in her mind.

"Let me guess, 'what's said is said'," Sarah prompted.

"Pretty much. I was so freaking mad I stormed through that Labyrinth and got him back, but it wasn't without its guilt trip," Susan said.

"Did you make friends with Hoggle and Sir Didymus?" Sarah asked, recalling her own adventure.

"No, I didn't make friends with anyone. I tore into anyone I came across, I used threats, violence whatever got the job done, you know, to get to Jerome," Susan answered.

Sarah shook her head, "It's amazing that you got through, I don't think I could have done it without help."

"Well I had seen the film earlier that day so I had a bit of a heads-up, plus I think the reason I got Jerome back is because I was so singularly focussed on saving him. Nothing distracted me, nothing tempted me, and nothing scared me," Susan added.

"In retrospect when I looked back on my dream, or what I thought was a dream, I always saw the Labyrinth as a lesson. It taught me not to take things for granted and that I would get further in life with friends rather than playing alone all the time," Sarah said.

"I guess the thing it's taught me is to never get angry with kids, ever. I save that for stupid adults, and goblins," Susan quipped, a smile tugging at her lips. "Hence the drama in the dining room. Thanks for ditching me by the way!" Susan added.

Sarah blushed and winced that Susan had noticed. "Yeah, sorry about that. Hoggle just appeared and I needed to get out of there, and you looked like you were having such a blast," Sarah chuckled. "I would have come back for you or sent a rescue party, honest."

"Gee thanks. Anyway, unleashing on those Goblinerettes felt good. If you haven't figured it out yet, I do have anger issues, I lash out when I get scared," Susan added.

"Goblinerettes huh? That's a great name for them," Sarah said, then added "for us."

The silence began to stretch as their circumstances started to sink in.

"Hey, have you checked out your bedroom? It's a freaking palace here," Susan said, trying to lighten the mood.

"Not yet, better go and get ready and prepare ourselves, the next four weeks are going to be unbearable with Jareth pulling the strings," Sarah grimaced heading towards her room.

"You really think that's all there is to it, pretend to fancy him and play nice and we can go home?" Susan asked.

"Not even remotely," Sarah didn't pause to answer. "He doesn't like to lose and let's face it, he now has ten women in his power that beat his Labyrinth and we are all at his mercy."

"Urgh, he's so smarmy. I don't think I can pretend to find him attractive," shuddered Susan.

"I know but I guess this is the consequence of touching his balls," Sarah replied. Both girls burst into laughter and the tension was dispelled.

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Sarah and Susan slowly made their way down the staircase in their change of clothes. Susan was glaring down at her malachite coloured gown after tripping over it for the fourth time. In the end, she took two great handfuls and hiked it up past her knees.

"You'll crease it you know," Sarah said looking over at Susan. "What the hell are you wearing on your feet?"

"No one said I couldn't wear my Doc Martens," Susan huffed. "Damn dress hides them and anyway, if I need to make a run for it at any point, I don't want to be in no princess heels."

Tariq coughed slightly at the sight of Susan's footwear and bare legs, but then hurried forward at a discreet distance to lead the way.

Sarah looked down at her cerulean blue dress and grimaced at the strappy heels poking out the bottom. "I guess I didn't think to use your foresight. Although to be honest, where would we run to?"

"You tell me? You were the one with the dwarf getting the 'hell out of dodge'. Why did you come back by the way?" Susan asked.

Sarah was about to answer when she realised they had caught up with Tariq who proceeded to open the double doors that led to the dining room. All the winners of the Labyrinth were seated at the table, the conversation was muted but they all appeared to be neatly coiffed and attired again. Tariq led Sarah and Susan to their places next to each other, before heading to his own seat. At that moment, the dining room doors swung open and the Goblin King arrived, this time without the atmospherics and glitter, much to the relief of the servants, who were still sporting signs of the blowback of His Majesty's previous dramatic entrance.

Tariq stood and indicated to the ladies they should rise.

"Your Majesty," Tariq bowed and the girls began to curtsy with differing levels of success.

"Ah Ladies, so lovely to see you all again, and in much better spirits I might add," Jareth announced as he proceeded to take his seat at the head of the table. Once everyone else was seated he snapped his fingers and the servers appeared, filling bowls with soup and glasses with wine. During this process the King leaned forward and addressed his ladies.

"I will only bring this up once but I feel this needs to be said. There are to be no repeat performances of the kind of behaviour I witnessed earlier this evening. May I remind you that you are competing to become the consort to a King, and you are expected to behave accordingly. Wilful destruction to the castle or its furnishings will result in serious consequences, have I made myself clear?" Jareth said looking at each of the girls in turn.

Following the mumbled "Yes, Your Majesty's," Jareth nodded. "Excellent, now I will let Tariq fill you in on what is in store for us this evening."

"Ladies, after our delicious supper we will be adjourning to the ballroom where you will meet some of the Underground Court, who are here specifically to meet the Winners of the Labyrinth and candidates for the position of Goblin Queen. There will be no competition this evening, we want you to enjoy yourselves. However, we will be taking note of how well you manage in this social situation, so please be on your best behaviour, especially when dealing with our other guests. You may dance with anyone who asks you, except maybe the trolls as they do have a tendency to drool and the goblin seamstresses will be most disgruntled-"

"Tariq," the Goblin King intoned in a deceptively light voice.

"Ahem, er yes. Well as I was saying, you may dance with whom you wish but remember what the ultimate goal here is, so could you please er," Tariq started to blush "stick to just dancing." He began to cough and Susan started to chortle.

"Will this be a problem Miss Briggs?" Jareth asked.

"Oh not at all _Your Majesty_ , I'm sure I can refrain from jumping Shrek," Susan replied, causing some of the other girls to start giggling.

"So when does the contest actually begin?" Sarah addressed Tariq.

"There will be a meeting in the common room tomorrow morning at 11 o'clock, breakfast will be delivered to your room an hour earlier. Please do not be late," Tariq responded. "Everything will be explained to you then, complete with details of your first challenge."

"This is so exciting," gushed Kitty.

Sarah rolled her eyes but then found her gaze held by the Goblin King. His look was guarded but direct. She quickly diverted her attention to the food and tucked into her soup.

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Jareth smiled as he watched one of his _ladies_ , Jaime, waltz past in the arms of a fae, laughing at whatever was said. Little did the chit know that the young Lord Teague was notorious for carrying the fae version of the clap. If she was stupid enough to 'go there' it would be pretty obvious tomorrow when her skin turned a shade of green. He chuckled and looked over to where Sarah stood with Susan at the far end of the ballroom, so far refusing all requests to dance but draining flutes of champagne.

"Pretty little thing isn't she, Son?" mentioned a voice behind him.

"Father, I didn't know you would be showing up tonight," Jareth turned and inclined his head respectfully. "Come to check out the potential future daughter-in-laws?"

"An interesting group of ladies," the High King inferred, looking at Susan and raising an eyebrow when he saw what looked like a pair of army boots peaking from under the hem of her dress. "I hear you had some trouble earlier?"

"Nothing that was not easily handled, a little misunderstanding, quickly dealt with," Jareth said through gritted teeth. His father would have to hear about that. Which means so would mother, and half the Court, no make that all the Court. Jareth raised his fingers to his forehead and rubbed at the impending headache this would cause.

"Come now Son, what is it they say, all publicity is good publicity. I would make this work to your advantage," the High King replied.

"How so?" Jareth asked, hitching a brow.

"Raise your profile, allow access to the contest, make it a public affair, at least as far as the Court is concerned," his father suggested.

"Mother would never hear of it," Jareth declared, wincing at the thought of laying his schemes open to the prying eyes of his peers.

"On the contrary, it was her suggestion. We could get feedback from the Court and Council on their impressions of the ladies, and it might help you to make your decision. What better than a bride already popular with the Court?" the High King offered.

Jareth groaned. "Would it be too much to ask if you and the Council could please stay out of it. You have your contest, may I be allowed to court my future queen a little less publicly? I am no longer a child of two hundred," he snapped folding his arms over his chest.

The High King turned to address his son's whining when another sight caught his attention. "What in the Gods' name is that woman wearing!"

Jareth looked up to see the man-eater glide past with her dance partner's face practically drowning in her torso. The poor fellow looked desperate to escape. What caught the High King's attention the most was the transparency of the gown.

"Ah, I see you have discovered Shante," Jareth said with a grin. "It would appear she has mistaken her change in gown for her night attire. Not sure how I missed that during dinner."

The High King sputtered as he caught sight of the barely concealed rolls of curves of her buttocks and thighs, as she swung her partner into a turn. "This woman is a successful runner?"

"Oh very successful. I must say her only attributes are the obvious ones, but she used them most effectively to get to the castle," Jareth said with a smirk.

"You mean you-" the High King began.

"Not I father, not I," Jareth shook his head repressing a chuckle. "You still think Mother would approve of the idea?"

"Ah-" The High King was gratefully interrupted by the sound of the _Gong_ echoing through the Kingdom.

Jareth raised his arms in frustration. "You really expect me to go Queen hunting while I have this going on?" Jareth challenged his father.

"You are leaving?" The High King asked gesturing to the crowded ballroom.

"Well it is a summons father, and you know, I cannot ignore a summons. Maybe now you can see how inconvenient this can be. It is the second in three days," Jareth stated.

"I see," the High King frowned. "Maybe there is something that can be done to ease your responsibility during this period. I will discuss it with the Council first thing tomorrow."

"How gracious, Your Highness," Jareth gave a mocking bow. "Well if you will excuse me, I have a wish-away to deal with," Jareth disappeared in a voluminous shower of glitter.

"Blasted boy!" the King thundered brushing the stuff off his clothes and grimaced at his now very sparkling champagne. "You are not too old to turn over my knee you know!" he glared at the air above where Jareth disappeared. His response was a chuckling echo.

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Sarah and Susan observed the dancing, laughing behind their champagne flutes at Shante's terrorising of the male guests.

"She has one high octane libido that girl," Susan said.

"The trolls don't seem to mind," Sarah offered, seeing a group of male trolls admiring Shante's very shapely derriere as she passed.

"You would need to be a big guy to handle that," Susan acknowledged.

"Why do I get the feeling we are not talking bulk," Sarah laughed.

"Maybe girth-" Susan began.

"Urgh stop it!" Sarah snorted, champagne bubbles coming out of her nose.

"Evening ladies," said a voice that appeared from almost nowhere. Sarah looked up into the gaze of one of the most attractive faces she had seen. Green eyes, blonde hair, cheekbones you could slice ham on.

"Huh," Sarah answered, champagne still dripping down from her nose onto her top lip, which was currently so far detached from the bottom one that, unbeknown to Sarah, it reminded the owner of 'the voice' of the very talented _ladies_ at the Jolly Gobbler Tavern.

"Allow me to introduce myself," said the very pretty man. "I am Couric and this is Galen," he acknowledged the not-so-pretty but not-that-bad looking fae next to him. They both swept into a bow. "We are friends of His Majesty. May I be correct in assuming that I have the pleasure of Sarah, The Labyrinth Champion?" Couric asked.

Sarah swiftly cuffed the champagne from her nose and dipped into a quick albeit clumsy curtsy. "Yeah, that's me," she smiled. "This is Susan, also a Labyrinth Champion."

"There is only one Champion, although I must say Miss Susan, it is an honour to meet you also," Couric acknowledged Susan.

"Yeah I know," Susan replied, raising no more than an eyebrow in acknowledgement.

"May I have this dance, Miss Susan?" Galen stepped forward and offered his hand.

"No-"

"Oh go on Susan, we have to dance at some point and I'm sure your footwear could do with being broken in," Sarah added with a mischievous smile.

Rolling her eyes Susan caught onto Sarah's hint and accepted Galen's hand.

"Champion, may I?" Couric offered his hand. Sarah smiled sweetly and accepted, joining the others on the dance floor.

"So tell me, what is your game-plan in winning His Majesty's hand?" Couric asked.

Sarah deflated at the question, guessing he probably was just on a fishing mission, friend of Jareth's or not.

"By all means let's dispense with the small talk," Sarah grumbled sarcastically.

"He is most sought after, I find it strange that he has agreed to this 'Clash-of-the-Concubines'," Couric admitted.

"Clash of the WHAT? Is that what this farce is called?" Sarah gasped.

"However now that I have met _you_ , maybe I am not so surprised," Couric added quickly, with a wink as he manoeuvred her into a deep dip.

"Tell me Couric, did you all go to the same charm school when you were little fae?" Sarah asked.

Couric laughed and twirled Sarah around elaborately, bringing her back into position with practised ease. "It is a trait we all have, although I have to admit Jareth is the most accomplished."

"He is?" Sarah asked, genuinely surprised.

"Ofcourse, the increase in runners says it all," Couric said.

"I think that we can grant that success to the portrayal in the film," Sarah said cockily.

"A portrayal based on your own perception no less," Couric parried.

"No, I told the story how I remembered it, it is not my fault he came across as so, so-" Sarah stammered.

"Terrifying? tight-trousered?" Couric's voice lowered. "Seductive?"

"That's not fair," Sarah flared.

"No it is not, I was so hoping to have a greater fan club than him, but your film put an end to that," Couric quipped whilst executing a particular tricky turn to avoid a hopping Galen rubbing his foot.

Sarah glanced over at Susan and gave her a wink. On returning her attention to Couric, she noticed his lips attempting to curl. "You're teasing me, aren't you?" she said. "Did Jareth put you up to this interrogation?"

"Perish the thought my dear, however I find your denial of his attributes interesting," Couric said.

"How so?" Sarah asked.

"Well, indulge me. Did he really ask you to fear and love him?" Couric asked.

"And he would be my slave, yes," Sarah answered, brow furrowed in confusion.

"So not just poetic license then," Couric considered. "And you turned him down?"

"Ofcourse, he was just stalling for time," Sarah answered.

"Really?" Couric asked, eyebrows getting higher, if indeed that were possible.

"Well, yes!" Sarah said.

Couric gave a low whistle and shook his head.

"What?" Sarah asked, puzzled by Couric's disbelief.

"That's one risky manoeuvre, what if you had said yes?" he enquired.

"What difference would it have made?" Sarah asked, her frustration with the once-so-pretty man coming through in her tone.

"Well for a start he would have had to honour it and it would have been binding. To take that gamble as a distraction tactic sounds a bit maverick, even for Jareth," Couric said.

"What, wait, honour it, honour what?" Sarah demanded.

"Oh Sarah, you beautiful, simple, mortal. His marriage proposal, the Goblin King offered to be your husband and you said NO!" Couric laughed.

"That's impossible, I was fifteen," Sarah declared.

"Not really, it's not like you would have got hitched straight away. He would have waited until you came of age before claiming you," Couric answered.

"And when would that have been?" Sarah demanded.

"For us it would have been the equivalent of your twenty fourth year," he replied.

Sarah practically tripped Couric when she stopped dancing. "Son of a Bitch!" she whispered, glancing over to where Jareth had been standing, except he was gone. All that remained was some older dude brushing his clothes, shaking his fist and rambling at thin air. _Well I guess any old crackpot is invited to these shindigs,_ she thought, and followed Couric's lead back into the dance.

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 _AN:_ I hope you enjoyed, please review : )

I struggled a bit with this chapter so a big thankyou to WhenasinSilks for being my beta for chapter 6. If you have not checked out Tithe and Reefer Magic, do so at once, it will show you what a gifted minx she is – two completely difference genres and both divinely executed. Jealous MUCH! ; )

Recommendations:

Rocky Road to Dublin by Kagura – It states it is incomplete but does not feel like it is. Chapter 1 alone gave me an exceptionally good chuckle.

Junior Editor in the City by K Bates – In its infancy this story, only one chapter so far, but what a chapter!

Once Upon a Strip Club by zerodaysdone – A good giggle with Hoggle working as a bartender at 'The Glass Bauble' where _The Goblin King_ is the star attraction. Woefully incomplete but a good read regardless.


	7. Chapter 7 - Gown the Crown

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ Many thanks to those of you who have reviewed, it's always nice to get some feedback : )

As I cannot answer guest's reviews directly:

Guest Aquamarine – Your review made me chuckle, you appear to have christened a character as Oberon, I am assuming you have assigned that name to Jareth's dad. Very sweet but Jareth's dad has only been referred to as the High King and will very likely remain so. I didn't want to attach the Shakespearean backstory to this character and there are so many Oberon's out there already. Also, I can confirm that any similarity in name of any of the characters in this story, apart from the ones owned by Henson and taken from the film, are purely coincidental. It's not surprising that some of the names may have been used before, especially with the number of Labyrinth fics out there, however if I were ever to borrow a character from someone else's work I would either ask permission first and/or at the very least acknowledge this in my author's note. So sorry, but the Couric in my story is not based on Jareth's lover from another fic. Although that certainly gave me some images I wasn't prepared for... : )

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Much later that night, Jareth swept into the Jolly Gobbler Tavern and headed to the bar.

"A tankard of your finest goblin ale, Elmo, and a peach whisky chaser," Jareth dictated as he pulled out a bar stool and gracefully slid onto it, adjusting his gloves while he waited.

"Jareth!" called a cheerful male voice from across the crowded room. Jareth groaned as he recognised Couric hailing him.

"Well, well, well Your Majesty, how did it go with the latest wish-away?" Couric asked as he slid onto the stool next to him, followed by a limping Galen.

"You know I don't discuss Labyrinth business in the pub, Couric," Jareth responded looking down his nose at the foaming tankard that had just been deposited in front of him. "What happened to you Galen, dancing shoes too tight?"

"No, I had an unfortunate encounter with the lovely Miss Briggs and her unnatural dancing attire," Galen grumbled. "I swear that woman would rather kick me in the knackers than answer a pleasantry. Please tell me you are not seriously considering her as Queen, Jareth?"

"Why ever not? I might just go ahead and do that and send her to the High Council meetings in my stead. It would serve them right for foisting a queen on me in the first place," Jareth remarked.

"Come now Jareth, I thought this beauty pageant was all your idea, a fabulous one I might add. I haven't had this much to look forward to in ages," Couric smiled, signalling to Elmo that Galen and he would have whatever Jareth was having.

"So how did you enjoy the Beltane feast?" Jareth asked, draining his tankard. "It has been a long time since I have been able to enjoy a good night of carousing. That bloody gong, I can't risk transporting drunk, not after the incident with the Countess La Plange's armoire," Jareth shuddered as both men burst into guffaws.

"Oh yes!" Couric gasped, "you were very nearly arrested for that one as I recall."

Jareth signalled to Elmo to refill his tankard whilst he downed the whiskey, attempting to ignore Galen's high pitched laughter at his expense.

"Enough Galen, you weigh twice as much as a barrel of goblin ale, do you really have to laugh like a castrated soprano!" Jareth snapped when there appeared to be no end to Galen's fit.

"You bought it up my friend," sputtered Couric, glancing at Galen who was now doubled over as he recalled bailing Jareth out of the Countess' garrison the following morning.

"For the love of the gods!" Jareth muttered at Galen. "Couric, the feast, how did it go?" Jareth repeated.

"It went very well, I had a wonderful dance with the Champion," Couric said with a dreamy smile crossing his features.

"Really, that was nice for you," Jareth responded drily.

"Oh yes it was," Couric responded, not believing his friend's disinterest for a moment. "Sarah," he sighed. "We had a very interesting discussion about you."

"But of course, I am very interesting," responded Jareth, sipping his second tankard of ale.

"Mmm, fascinating why she turned you down old chap, I couldn't quite believe it," Couric said.

"Turned me down, what are you talking about?" Jareth snapped.

"The whole fear me, love me thing, you know, the marriage offering?" Couric prompted, an eyebrow rising above his sly gaze.

"Oh that," Jareth chuckled. "You are confusing the film with what really happened, Couric."

"That is not how your Champion remembers it," Couric responded.

"Really, and why did she say she turned me down, in this imaginary scenario of hers?" Jareth enquired.

"Well I guess it is not relevant is it? Seeing as how 'it never happened'. Poor girl, she must be so confused right now," Couric sighed, hiding his smile behind his drink.

"What? Dammit Couric what did she say?" Jareth leaned forward grasping his friend by the lapels and swaying slightly on the edge of his bar stool.

"Just that she flat out didn't believe your proposal, saw right through it she did!" Couric said slapping his thigh and bursting out laughing. "You can't pull the wool over that one's eyes."

Jareth sat their stunned, looking over Couric's shoulder at nothing. He expected to hear she wasn't interested, or didn't understand, or was too distracted to comprehend him, but flat out disbelief. Was she dense? _What kind of idiot would risk proposing to a bag of hormonal dynamite if he didn't mean it!_ Jareth raged, groaning as he let go of Couric and picked up his drink again.

"So, it will be interesting to see how she handles the challenges coming up. Although she is not too happy with you at the moment. I haven't figured out why she is taking part considering she had murder in her eyes towards the end of our conversation, and it was aimed at where you had been standing," Couric supplied.

"Couric," Jareth said in a deceptively smooth voice. "What exactly did you tell Sarah?"

"Just that her disbelief was based on a fallacy. She couldn't believe that you would have seriously proposed to a fifteen-year old. I pointed out to her that it was a very risky manoeuvre if indeed it was a trick," Couric said. Jareth began to relax on hearing this, he could cope with Sarah thinking he was exciting and liked to live dangerously. A smug smile appeared on his face.

"However I also pointed out to her that it was not uncommon to propose to one so young, but that you would have waited to claim her at the right time," Couric said, drinking his ale and watching his friend over the rim of his tankard. "I would have thought twenty-four years would be a more than acceptable age for a human to begin an adult relationship. But judging by Sarah's response she must have thought otherwise."

Jareth groaned as he realised the implications of what Couric had said to Sarah. "Bog Blasted Dammit!" he roared and kicked Couric's stool from underneath him, this time not criticising Galen as he erupted into a cacophony of high pitched giggle shrieking.

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Hoggle and Sir Didymus looked over at the three fae, one sprawled on the floor, another sounding like a pixie caught in a blender, and one very pissed off Goblin King.

"That doesn't look good," said Sir Didymus.

"This whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen if y'ask me," said Hoggle, sipping his goblin ale and scratching at the hair under his cap.

"Well tomorrow is the big day, the start of the competition. How is our fair maiden taking the news?" Sir Didymus asked.

"About as well as can be expected. I will keep an eye on her and see if there is anything we can do to help her," Hoggle said.

"What is your intention Hoggle?" Sir Didymus asked, tapping his baton on the table. "Do you want Sarah to become our Queen or not?"

"Only if it's what she wants. I would rather it be her than any of those other twits. But I don't want her unhappy, and I can't see how _he_ ," Hoggle motioned to Jareth, who was staggering out of the pub with his friends, singing a song about the Countess La Plange that did not bare repeating, "could make her happy. He's too selfish and she is just… just _nice_!"

"You need to make up your mind which road you are on dear Hoggle, the one that leads to the good of the Kingdom or to the good of our fair maiden? That said, I propose we try to make the goals one and the same," Sir Didymus suggested.

"Y'mean, make her want to be Queen?" Hoggle shook his head. "Urgh, I'm not going to blow sunshine up 'is Majesty's bum-hole to Sarah! I don't have the stomach fer it."

"Well, we can always just sit back and watch Shante Latimore or Susan Briggs be crowned Qu-"

"Matchmaking it is then!" Hoggle replied quickly, downing his ale and slamming his tankard on the table.

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Sarah awoke the next morning with a monumental hangover. She downed a couple of glasses of water from the pitcher by her bed and entered the bathroom, to find Susan in there already hugging the porcelain.

"Oh my god, what was in that champagne?" Susan grumbled as she dry-heaved.

"Don't, don't shout," Sarah whispered, gripping the sink to stop the room from spinning.

"Ah there you are, girls. I see you had a great time last night," said a short stout goblin woman carrying a tray containing two cups of a foaming and smoky substance. "Looks like I'm just in time. Drink this, you will be back to normal straight away."

"That looks disgusting," Sarah said in horror.

"It is, but you need to be downstairs in an hour and on form, so down it, get dressed, then eat your breakfast in the sitting room. Someone will be back to take you down," the goblin said.

Sarah and Susan reached for their drinks. "I don't care," said Susan, "I would drink bog water to stop feeling this shit!" She pinched her nose and downed the fluid. Sarah followed suit and both started making groaning noises, trying to hold back their gag reflex.

"Good, that's that then, now chop-chop!" said the goblin.

"Wait, what shall we wear?" Sarah asked.

"There's a thing in your room called an armoire, although you might know it as a wardrobe. It contains clothes, knock yourselves out!" the goblin said, getting irritated with their lack of momentum.

"What, no maid to dress us?" quipped Susan.

The goblin glared at Susan and snapped "What do you think this is ' _Downton Abbey'_? People in the Underground dress themselves."

"Okaaay, just messing with yah," Susan said, raising her eyes at Sarah in a silent message.

"Bloody ignorant humans," the goblin muttered as she headed for the outer door.

Sarah burst out laughing "That told you!"

"I swear to god she just channelled my dead mother!" Susan grumbled standing up but feeling surprisingly good.

"Come on let's get breakfast, I'm starving!" Sarah said, strolling back through her room to grab some clothes.

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The girls assembled in the Common Room, waiting for Tariq to arrive and fill them in on how the next month was going to play out, and what their first challenge was going to be. No one was particularly talkative, despite the goblin's impressive hangover cure, the sleep deprivation was still effecting some of the girls.

"Ah, you are all here, excellent," Tariq began as he entered the room and stood before the girls, all spread out on different loungers and comfy chairs.

"Where is His Majesty?" asked Freckles.

"His Highness is busy with some High Council business this morning, but he will hopefully be joining us later," Tariq responded. "I think the best thing to do would be for you to all take a turn and introduce yourselves. Nothing too lengthy, just your name, where you are from and a brief description of your Labyrinth run," Tariq said. "Who better to start with than the Champion herself."

Sarah's gaze flew over to Tariq and sighed. She stood up and addressed the girls. "My name is Sarah Williams. I live in Hertfordshire in the UK but am originally from New York State. I am a writer, predominantly of screenplays. As you all know I wished my brother Toby away when I was fifteen, successfully completed the Labyrinth and returned home."

"Hence earning the title of Champion, as Miss Williams was the first runner ever to complete the Labyrinth within the specified timeframe." Tariq added. "Thank you, Miss Williams. Let's continue round the room shall we."

Chun stood up. "Hi my name is Chun Ng and I am originally from Hong Kong, although I live in LA now. I am an Astro Physicist and I work at the Griffith Observatory. I got a bit tipsy one night after watching the film and wished away my dog, Pavlov. I was obsessed with the Goblin King and really wanted to see if he would show up. You can imagine how shocked I was when he actually did. I was so up for the adventure but I also wanted to get my dog back. The Labyrinth was surprisingly easy, as unlike Sarah, I ignored the worm's advice and went left straight to the castle."

"Thank you, Miss Ng. To this date, no one has completed the Labyrinth as quickly," Tariq said.

"I tried going left and that didn't work for me," complained Blondie.

"Ah, that would be because after Ms Ng's success, His Majesty thought it prudent to alter that section of the Labyrinth," Tariq responded. "I believe you are next Miss Latimore."

Sarah groaned at Chun's recount, "Why didn't I just stay a bit longer and listen to that fucking invertebrate!"

Susan, on hearing Sarah's lament, leaned over "Gutted Princess," she smirked.

Meanwhile, the Man-eater stood up and put her hand on her hip, looking down her nose at the assembled girls. "I'm Shante Latimore from Connecticut, I don't need to work as I have plenty of honeys to take care of me," she quipped proudly. "As I already told you, I wished away my ma's Chihuahua 'Killer' to meet that toned-thighed glitter bomb. I got through that maze using what God gave me, and had myself a great ol' adventure-" Shante started to elaborate.

"Thank you, Miss Latimore, I don't think anything more need be said," Tariq hurriedly announced, blushing slightly.

"Am I hearing this right and that Bitch is a hooker?" Susan whispered to Sarah.

"She's certainly promiscuous, but that doesn't make her a whore Susan," Sarah whispered back.

"Miss Hudson, I believe you are up next," Tariq said.

Blondie stood up and beamed at the gathered group. "Hi, I'm Crystal Hudson, I was born in Canada but my parents are from England and the States, hence the accent. I work as a PR advertising executive and travel a lot. I wished away my friend, Melissa, as part of a game of 'Truth or Dare'. I desperately wanted it to work as I so wanted to meet the Goblin King. I kinda had an obsession with him, hence the dare. I managed to get her back as I am also an avid chess player with a love of games. I was able to figure out the riddles pretty quickly and also how to represent myself in the most advantageous light, to whomever I met. I basically used my brain to get through, unlike some people," Crystal added, eyes flickering to Shante.

"A worthy opponent to the Labyrinth, Miss Hudson," Tariq said smiling at her, blushing when she smiled back. "Whose next, ah Miss Farthingale."

Squeaky stood up, bouncing on her heels and talking with her hands. "I'm Katherine Farthingale, but everyone calls me Kitty. I live in Australia but my parents are Filipino. Oh, yeah, and I work with kids, I just love kids, they are sooo cute.." Kitty rambled on.

"Works with kids? She still is a kid, she can't be older than eighteen, plus there isn't a brain in there!" Susan exclaimed in hushed tones to Sarah.

"She's a bit tedious but it's just enthusiasm. She's harmless Susan, so let's retract the claws," Sarah whispered.

"I fucking hate stupid people," grumbled Susan.

Sarah exploded with a snortle and then coughed to cover her outburst. "Will you shut-up, you're going to get us both in trouble," Sarah hissed.

"Thank you, Miss Farthingale," Tariq said, not waiting for her to get to her Labyrinth story as most of the group had already started up their own conversations at this point. "Ladies, ladies if I may draw your attention back. We are halfway through the introductions, so if you could please remain patient for a little longer," Tariq said.

Sarah groaned as they continued. Rhiannon Cherry AKA Freckles was Irish and worked in the British Civil Service in Trade Negotiations. Like Crystal, her abilities in her career gave her the edge when dealing with the Labyrinth inhabitants. She had wished away an ex-boyfriend who owed her money. She would have left him to rot if it wasn't for the fact she wanted the debt repaid, plus she wanted to run the Labyrinth for a chance to have the Goblin King, a much richer prize. Sabine Lennear was French and also a Goblin King fan. She wished away her boss who was being a "branleur" and "connard". She ran the Labyrinth as she wanted to live out the fantasy of going toe-to-toe with Jareth, but she also felt a bit bad for her boss and decided she owed it to his family to at least try to get him back. Darla Foxe was your average middle American college graduate, lots of debt with no decent career opportunities on the horizon, so she escaped into fantasy novels to make life more bearable. However, her obsession with the film caused her to wish away the guy she was dating at the time. It was very much a case of being careful what you wished for, as when presented with the reality she decided she didn't want her boyfriend to actually be turned into a goblin. So, she ran the Labyrinth, knowing she would have to return to her mundane life if she won, but prepared to accept it if it meant getting her boyfriend back and a decent adventure to remember. A decision she would have since regretted when her boyfriend dumped her and the debts kept piling up. On regaining her memories, she was thrilled for the second chance at life in the Underground, so had zero problem with the contest. Jaime Barnett AKA Walmart, was just obsessed in general. She was into all things occult and was fascinated by the immortality kick. She wished away her Uncle, a sanctimonious priest who made it his mission to tell her she was going to hell for her pagan beliefs, amongst other things. She ran the Labyrinth in the hopes that the Goblin King would offer her a shot at immortality. When that didn't happen and she just got her Uncle back, she would have been understandably distraught. Fortunately, her memories of the event were wiped as per the rules and she would have been in blissful ignorance if it wasn't for the contest. Sarah got the impression that Jaime was determined to obtain immortality and this was her ticket to do it, whether with Jareth or another Fae.

It was at this point that Jareth entered the room. He had been checking in on the proceedings during the introductions, mainly focusing on Sarah and Susan to check they were not reneging on their promise to behave.

"Ladies," Jareth nodded and leaned against the door frame to watch the rest of the meeting.

"Your Majesty," Tariq acknowledged. "And finally, Miss Briggs," Tariq announced.

Susan stood up and Sarah quickly whispered, "Don't do anything rash, think of Jerome."

"I'm Susan Briggs, from Detroit. My job isn't really of any relevance and my backstory is not one I wish to share," Susan said, aware that Jareth had raised an eyebrow towards her, so she quickly added. "However, I am soooo excited to take part in the competition and am just super happy to be here!" she exclaimed giving the thumbs up and the biggest shit eating grin ever seen. Sarah started laughing behind her hand despite trying her hardest to appear serious. Jareth glared at both girls but nodded slowly and stepped forward.

"Now that the introductions have been made I think it best to outline what is going to happen," Jareth said. "Tariq, if you will."

"Yes, Your Majesty," Tariq said, scrambling with some papers he had bought with him. "You all have been assigned rooms and share a lounge with another contestant. You also have access to the common room whenever you like and if you require anything you can summon help with the use of the bell in the chambers, or the pull rope above the various fireplaces in the castle."

"Not ' _Downton Abbey'_ my ass," Susan mumbled.

"Ssshhh," Sarah giggled.

"You are required to report to the Common Room every morning at 10 o'clock, breakfast will be served beforehand either in your room or in the main dining area, depending on the previous night's event, of which you will be notified. The servants are here to cater to your every desire, however we request that you treat them with respect, they do after all have access to your food and goblins are known for-"

"Tariq!" Jareth snapped impatiently.

"Yes, Sire," Tariq acknowledge the rebuke. "There will be a number of challenges that you will face. If you are familiar with some of the shows Above, you will know how this works. You each take part in the challenge, and the contestant that is found to be wanting will be eliminated from the competition. You will be returned to the Above, fully compensated for your inconvenience, however I am afraid without the memory of what has occurred. This is for the security and protection of our realm and also for your own well-being," Tariq said, looking round the room at each of the girls.

"Compensated how?" Sarah asked. "I guess I'm asking if time will be re-ordered to ensure that no one has missed us?"

"A good point Miss Williams. Time will not be reordered in all of your cases, but you will not be left with any difficulties in terms of having to come up with an excuse for your absence. Remember all those eliminated will have their memories wiped," Tariq reiterated.

Sarah was relieved on hearing this, she knew her Dad would have been freaking out come Tuesday if her flight arrived and she wasn't on it. Although she was incredibly uneasy with the thought of Jareth and his gang of inept goblins interfering with her memories, if the dodgy crystal ball was anything to go by.

"Moving on then," Tariq continued. "The winner of each challenge will be awarded with a _private_ meeting with His Majesty."

Sarah sprayed coffee across the room, unfortunately choosing that moment to take a sip "What?" she gasped.

"A private meeting, a 'Date' if you will," Tariq replied.

"Problem, Miss Williams?" Jareth asked, a saying he was becoming annoyingly familiar with for two girls in particular.

"No, Your Majesty. I was just thrilled at the prospect of such an amazing reward," Sarah gushed. He wants biddable, I'll give him biddable. Ignoring the snorting noises coming from Susan to her left.

"However, that said you will each over the course of the next week be having either breakfast or lunch with His Majesty individually, giving you the opportunity to get to know each other. However, challenge winners will share an evening meal and entertainment," Tariq said, nodding with enthusiasm at each of the girls. Kitty squealed and there was tittering amongst some of the contestants.

"Aha, now that's what I'm talking about," said Shante.

"Oh," Sarah clapped her hands. "How lucky for the challenge winners!" Sarah gushed, smiling slyly at Jareth as she lifted her coffee cup when his eyes 'shot daggers' at her.

Jareth glared at Sarah, the minx was definitely pushing her luck, he was beginning to wonder if putting her with Susan was a good idea after all. His Champion was too bold and defiant. He thought Susan would either intimidate her, or at least they would clash, both being strong willed. He could then be the shoulder to cry on, or be in a position to offer her a change of accommodations, for something in return of course. However, he was not expecting the two girls to bond and 'team up'. It was his own fault really, he forgot how easily Sarah made friends in stressful situations. ' _The enemy of thine enemy is my friend,'_ came to mind.

"So," Jareth announced and stood up swiftly, gaining the attention of everyone in the room. "The First Challenge. Tomorrow night there will be an event at the Castle that will be attended by the most illustrious and fashionable members of the Underground elite," he began, strolling round the room and gesturing with his hand "Let us call them Morons. You met some of them last night and if you remember anything from the feast, it is their predilection for flamboyant and dazzling attire,"

"Pot-Kettle," coughed Susan loudly.

Ignoring Susan, Jareth continued "We are constantly looking at ways to outdo one another in terms of our fashion and style. As potential consorts to the King, it is your challenge to design and create a gown of such magnificence that it will astound the viewer. I understand that there is little time, therefore you will be assisted by the goblin seamstresses in the creation from your design. However, you will be expected to model the design yourself at the event, otherwise known as 'Gown the Crown, part of Goblin City Fashion Week'" Jareth announced.

"Gown the Crown?" Sarah said, "That's as bad as Clash of the Concubines!"

"Clash of the _WHAT_?" asked Blondie.

"Apparently, it's the name of the contest," Sarah said when all the girls started to mutter in dissatisfaction. She stared in open eyed innocence at Jareth as the mood of the room started to change.

"Ladies, ladies," Tariq said. "Let me reassure you that the title of concubine here is completely different to that Above."

Jareth glared at Sarah, wondering where she learnt that bit of information. C _ouric_! he thought in exasperation. That stupid fae didn't realise how dangerous it was sharing information with the Champion, their discussion was not just a one-way revelation as his idiot friend had assumed.

"As I said," Jareth interrupted the numerous conversations that had erupted round the room. "You have two days to get your designs together, made, fitted and accessorised. So, I suggest you start getting the creative juices flowing and desist in worrying about a minor translation issue."

"Good save git face," Susan muttered under her breath.

"Now, as for the breakfast and lunch assignations. To keep it fair I will meet with each _Winner_ in the order that they conquered the Labyrinth. Therefore, Miss Williams, I shall meet you in my quarters at 1 o'clock sharp," Jareth announced, giving her the same sickly sweet grin she had given him earlier as he exited the room.

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 _AN:_ I hope you enjoyed, please review. Feedback helps me know where to set the bar, or hit the bar, as let's face it, no one wants to spend their valuable time 'polishing a turd' : )

This chapter was a bit long winded but I wanted to give you a brief backstory of the contestants so the pace doesn't slow down later on and you have an inkling into what their agendas are and why they are going to do the things that they do.

Translations:

Branleur – Wanker

Connard - Asshole

Recommendations:

If I had a Picture by Gemkat5 – Sarah wants a photo of Jareth, and she needs Hoggle's help to get it

Menace by FreakinGodzilla – Another picture related fic, however this is one that Sarah has drawn from her fantasies of her and Jareth in a loving embrace, which is all well and good until a goblin runs off with it….

13 hours of drunk by Tek Sonay – God I wish I had written this!


	8. Chapter 8 - Some Beans

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

The section in here with Jareth and the goblins is based on a Blackadder II sketch which still makes me laugh to this day. Blackadder's relationship with his manservant Baldrick has always reminded me of Jareth's relationship with his goblins, so I have put this in as an homage and cannot take any credit for it.

 _AN:_ Thankyou for the reviews and PMs, feedback is helpful and appreciated : )

Note: If you need to keep track or refresh your memory of the contestants and their backstory/agenda, please refer to chapter 7.

Also this chapter is not beta'd so mistakes are mine.

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Sarah and Susan made their way out of the common room with the other girls, and headed towards the impromptu design studio that had been set up in the castle. It was a large room with a high ceiling and broken down into sections to give each girl a space to work. Against one wall were bolts of cloth stacked to the ceiling in different textures and colours. At the back of the room was a rack stacked with all the different accessories you could think of; hats, scarves, shoes, fans, bags, costume jewellery, hair fascinators etc. The adjacent wall contained numerous floor to ceiling windows, letting in plenty of natural light. There were ten large tables, each set up within their own designated area, containing the necessary equipment for the designs. Each area included a large easel and pin board to the side for initial idea conception, a mannequin, a sewing machine, and a trolley containing drawers full of sequins, feathers and other assorted decorative items.

"Oh my god," Susan murmured in awe. "What the hell am I doing here, I can't even sew on a button!"

"Not to worry, Miss Briggs," Tariq said on hearing her lament. "The goblin seamstresses can undertake any of the labour needed, you will however be responsible for the design and choices of fabric, colour and accessory etc. After all, the future Queen will be encouraged to design, but not lower herself to make, her own wardrobe."

"I didn't realise the Goblin Kingdom felt that manual labour was a lowly endeavour," Crystal aka Blondie said, still bristling following the 'concubine' revelation.

"It is not, but let us be honest Miss Hudson, you do not see pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge from Above, sitting at a spinning wheel or sewing machine to create the wardrobe for her next state visit," Tariq answered.

"That is true," Sarah acknowledged as she made her way over to the design station with her name on it. "However, it does raise the question to us 'Above' girls on the compatibility of our lives to that of becoming the Goblin King's number one plaything."

"That may be so _Champion,_ " Jaime said as she was sauntering past to get to her own work station. "But some of us are actually looking at this competition as an opportunity rather than an inconvenience."

"Opportunity being your middle name," Susan snapped at Jaime as she took the workstation opposite Sarah's. "Boy you really want this live forever crap. None of you see it as a poisoned chalice."

"It's OK Susan, she's right," Sarah interrupted. "We can't expect everyone to share our opinion on the matter."

"That's because they are all fuckwits," Susan said, glaring directly at Jaime who threw her a dirty look and stalked off.

"Down girl," Sarah laughed. " _He_ could be watching us at this very minute through his creepy balls."

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The Goblin King at that moment was not checking up on his wayward Champion. He was in fact in his study, surrounded by ten of his goblins and in the middle of instructing them on the basics of mathematics.

"Now, here I have four beans," Jareth said as he counted out four mung beans onto his desk. The goblins all leaned forward with varying exclamations of awe and nodding.

"I however have decided to add four more beans," Jareth said looking at each of the goblins in turn as he counted out another four mung beans next to the original pile. "So lads, what do I have?"

"Oh," said Skeep "Some beans!" he puffed up his chest proudly.

"Yes," said His Majesty "and No." Jareth held his patience. "Let us try again. Here I have four beans, and I have added another four beans. What does that make?"

"A very small casserole," declared Whiff.

Jareth slammed his head down onto his desk, causing Kermit and Miss Piggy to dart around their goldfish bowl.

"Your Majesty," called Tariq as he walked into the room. Stopping abruptly when he saw his King slumped on his desk, surrounded by goblins who were scrabbling over _some beans?_

"I give up," grumbled Jareth from underneath his mop of fair silky hair.

"Your Majesty, may I enquire as to the result of your visit with the High Council?" Tariq asked.

"Everyone OUT!" yelled Jareth over the noise of the scrabbling goblins. "Not you Tariq," he added as scurrying feet were heard racing down the corridor and the study door slammed, making Tariq jump.

"So, did they agree to suspend the Labyrinth challenge for the duration of the contest?" Tariq enquired.

"With father's backing, they have conceded on the matter. Thank the gods!" Jareth sighed leaning back in his chair and gazing at the ceiling. "However, as usual it comes with a price."

"What would that be, Your Highness?" Tariq prompted.

"Thanks to some ingenious idea of my mother's, the Council would like a film crew to be present to record and televise the event, in other words turn it into the debacle that it is in the Above." Jareth said.

"Would that be bad? I mean it would certainly raise your profile and at least you will then be able to focus your attention on the competitions," Tariq suggested.

"Yes there is that, however it means I will have to play the part of dashing lothario in search of a queen 24/7 and the thought is bloody tedious," Jareth said tapping his fingers on his desk.

"May I ask what is your plan, Sire? Are you wanting to end up with a queen or is this just for show?" Tariq asked.

"Tariq, are you suggesting I am running this whole fiasco just to appease the High Council, until I can execute a loophole that will leave me with a change in the summons, but without the burden of a wife?" Jareth asked.

"Well yes, Your Highness," Tariq said leaning forward, thrilled that the King was finally going to bring him into his confidence.

"That," declared Jareth "Would be an attempt to wilfully mislead the High Council and is punishable by all manner of tortures that would be detrimental to my wardrobe."

"Ofcourse, Your Majesty," said Tariq, humbled by the admonishment.

"However," said Jareth as he sprinkled food into the goldfish bowl "It's worth a shot!" He stood and clapped Tariq on the back as he strode past him and out of the room.

Tariq groaned, not knowing if his King was teasing him or not. It was okay for His Highness to play it fast and loose, he was not the one dealing with a room full of competitive women, each with their own agendas. He needed to ask for a pay rise.

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"Sarah!" Hoggle called as he hurried into the design room where the Champion was sat at an easel, sketching out her ideas for the competition.

"Hi, where have you been since yesterday? I thought he had bogged you or something," Sarah asked.

"No, His Majesty would never do that!" said Hoggle, his fingers crossed behind his back as he smiled at Sarah.

"Huh?" Sarah said eyebrows raised high.

"Hey Hoggle!" called Susan from her workstation.

Hoggle's pulse leapt at the sound of _her_ voice and he visibly gulped, "Uh, hi Susan, nice to see ye again."

Susan grinned at the dwarf's discomfort but decided to put him out of his misery. "Yeah, about that. Sorry for the whole headlock and dangling you upside-down over the pond thing," she offered. "Care to call truce?"

"Er, sure, I guess we could do that," Hoggle said.

"Great!" said Susan "So what brings you to the den of vacuous goblin king knob-trophies?"

"Susan!" admonished Sarah.

"Ah, I just wanted to check on ye Sarah, see how ye are," he said.

"I'm okay I guess, Susan here is making things bearable, but I have lunch with Mister 'Do as I say or I'll steal your brother again'," Sarah replied, imitating the King's deep baritone voice.

"He said what?" asked Hoggle.

"Yep, you got it, I have to tow-the-line or he gets Toby back," Sarah said.

"Well that's not fair-" Hoggle began then remembered why he was there. "I mean, I'm sure you have misunderstood His Majesty. He would never hurt you Sarah, you are his Champion after all, and what do they say, no one forgets their first!" Hoggle winced internally as he said this, praying he wouldn't go to Underground purgatory.

"Hoggle, what are you talking about?" Sarah asked, concerned over her friend's strange behaviour.

"Hoggle, can I help you with anything?" Tariq said, as he approached the dwarf on noticing his presence.

"No no, just checking our Sarah is fine and dandy," he responded.

"Well run along now, the ladies have a lot to do and Miss Williams has less time than the others due to her lunch date with His Majesty," Tariq responded, smiling and winking at the Champion before rushing off to placate an arguing Chun and Rhiannon.

"Well I best be off, you sound busy," Hoggle said. "Sarah, can we talk later, when ye have time?"

"Sure Hoggle," Sarah said "Where would you like to meet?"

"How about a drink with Sir Didymus and me at the Jolly Gobbler pub?" Hoggle replied "You are allowed out of the castle, right?"

"I'm not sure," Sarah said "I will check with His Glittery-ness. It would be great to see Didymus again! If I can 'get permission' then come for me, say eight o'clock?"

"Sure, see ye then. Enjoy yer lunch with His Majesty," Hoggle waved as he backed out of the room.

Sarah shook her head at Hoggle's retreating form and odd comments. "Weird," she muttered.

"Hey Sarah, what do you think of my design?" Susan called over.

Sarah looked up to see Susan's huge sketch of a stick figure wearing a triangle. "What the fuck?" Sarah collapsed laughing "Will you take this seriously, you nutter!"

"Well how do I know what to draw? I only ever watched 'America's Next Top Model' to see thin people cry," Susan responded.

Sarah was still laughing when Crystal came over. "Hey guys, how is the design coming along?"

"So far so good, although Susan appears to be designing couture for Purple Ronnie," Sarah started laughing again.

Crystal shook her head but couldn't suppress a grin. "I was thinking about the designs and realised, what is our 'basis for comparison'? I mean we have nothing to go on in terms of what is acceptable or 'fashionable' to these people."

"Ofcourse," Sarah said, realisation dawning on her. "There were no women at the feast last night, we were the only female attendees. That sneaky bugger."

"Exactly! I wanted to know, did the ballroom dream actually happen? and if so did the women dress like they were portrayed in the film? It's the only reference we have," Crystal said.

"Yes, but it was based on my fantasy so I guess I dressed them according to what I felt they should be wearing. So, in answer to your question the film did depict what I dreamt in terms of look and feel. But remember it was based on a dream, there are no guarantees that the attire was realistic to their tastes. I mean, after all, the Goblin King looked so…" Sarah began then blushed as she realised what she had almost said.

Crystal smiled at her and nodded "Fair enough, thanks for the heads-up, Champion," she began to walk away. "Oh and Sarah. Just so you know I thought the Goblin King looked smoking too," with a wink she headed over to her work station.

"Why is everybody winking at me today?" Sarah grumbled.

"Smoking huh?" called Susan, who was adding hair and glasses to her stick figure.

"Shut UP!" groaned Sarah.

"I take it back, they're not all morons," Susan said motioning over to Crystal with her pen. "She is pretty smart that one, I didn't realise that we were the only women at the feast."

"Well she did beat the Labyrinth using her brain," Sarah added glancing closely at Susan's picture. "You might want to add some colour to that," Sarah laughed as Susan threw a marker pen at her.

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Sarah stood outside the Goblin King's quarters. She took a couple of deep breaths and then knocked on the door, she needed her wits about her where Jareth was concerned.

"Enter," Jareth called.

"Hey," Sarah said as she closed the door behind her. The Goblin King was sat at a table by the balcony in his lounge, he appeared engrossed in some paperwork he was reading and had yet to acknowledge her presence.

Sarah walked towards him and stood there waiting. "I'm sorry is now not a good time, I thought you wanted to have lunch?" she said, irritation evident in her tone.

"Indeed Sarah, forgive me, I will be with you in a moment. Do sit down," he motioned without looking up.

Sarah took a chair and decided to play along, if he wanted to unnerve her with childish displays of indifference he could go ahead. After a couple more minutes she decided to interrupt. "Do you mind if I get started, I need to get back to my design for your 'gown the crown' thingy."

"Tut tut tut Sarah, patience," Jareth said, vanishing the paper with a flick of his wrist and flashing her a wistful smile. "How was your morning, I take it the goblin gruel got rid of your hangover?"

"It tasted worse than an ogre's underpants, but I couldn't have got by without it. So, thank you," she replied.

"Quite, I noticed you were knocking back the bubbles last night, nervous were we?" Jareth enquired, selecting some sandwiches from the platter between them and offering to pour her tea.

"Well I know a bit more now than I did last night, so I guess nerves came into play," Sarah said, making her own selections from the platter.

"Ah, you mean Couric. You should be aware that members of my Court have motives behind their innocent conversation," Jareth said passing her the sugar.

"Don't we all," replied Sarah "although I was actually referring to the knowledge that my Dad would not be worrying about me and calling the US consulate in England."

"Indeed, you didn't think I would be so cruel as to cause unnecessary stress to your family?" Jareth said.

"If the shoe fits," Sarah offered.

"Come, come now Sarah, you know I had to ensure your agreement to the competition, there is more at stake here than an inconvenience to your social calendar," Jareth responded, feeling uncomfortable with the villain role whilst they were alone.

"You threatened to take my brother again!" Sarah flared.

"I have only threatened you and Susan with this action, as your behaviour is too disruptive to the other girls. I eavesdropped on how nasty you two were about the other contestants during their introductions. Which I found amusing considering that you two were the only ones who wished children away, what does that say about you hmmm?" Jareth said, his gaze unflinching.

Sarah was horrified, when he put it like that it did make her feel like a sanctimonious bitch.

"I told you, I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" she cried, throwing her napkin down and attempting to stand.

Jareth reached over and made to grasp her hand. "Water under the bridge pet, please sit down. I did not invite you here to start a fight."

Sarah sighed and took her seat again. "You keep saying there is more at stake here. Although you have not made it clear to me why it is imperative that I take part. Or Susan for that matter."

"A number of reasons, firstly the reason for this contest in the first place has been indirectly bought about through your actions Above. I need to change the summons so the number of wishers are manageable. The High Council have stipulated that they will grant this IF I show willing and in turn take a queen. Secondly, it would be seen as a weakness if I couldn't get you all here and willingly taking part. The High Council and the Court would not buy it that you didn't want to compete, after all you would be mad to not prefer life as a queen to your existence Above-"

"Hey!" Sarah gasped.

"And third," Jareth continued as if she hadn't spoken "You are the Champion, you are the star of the show Sarah. Everyone wants to know more about the girl who ate the peach and forgot everything, before smashing up an expensive ballroom, turning my subjects into traitors and trashing the Goblin City!" he said looking her up and down and then popping a finger sandwich into his mouth.

"If you are you trying to flatter me, Goblin King, it's not working," Sarah responded, although she was getting uncomfortable being under his scrutiny at such close quarters, it was the tunnels all over again.

"I am in a bind, dear girl," he said before draining his tea. "Your input is required to fix it, and let us face it, you owe me."

"Owe you-"

"YESSS! Owe me. We don't have to be enemies in this Sarah. Just play your part of competitive challenger and we will get through this," he offered giving her a lopsided grin as he gazed at her through lowered lashes.

"Why are you trying to 'butter me up' Jareth? And why couldn't we have had this discussion before you tricked me into coming here?" Sarah asked, lowering her eyes to her food as she fidgeted.

"Because I couldn't come to you Above and I wasn't sure how you would respond. I couldn't leave anything to chance," Jareth clarified, dipping his head to try and capture eye contact.

Sarah was squirming under Jareth's attention, but then suddenly shook herself as last night came back to her. "Speaking of chance, Couric had some interesting things to say," Sarah smiled raising her eyes to Jareth and pinning him with her glare.

"Did he now?" Jareth said as nonchalantly as possible, inwardly cursing that Sarah had managed to gather her composure.

"Tell me," Sarah asked as she stirred her tea. "Your proposal at the end of my run, was it genuine?"

Jareth took a bite of his sandwich and chewed slowly whilst he considered his answer. "I would have had to abide by it if you had accepted."

"That is not an answer," Sarah stated.

"Quid pro quo Sarah, why did you not believe it was genuine?" Jareth asked.

"Quid pro quo?" Sarah gasped "If you even start sucking through your teeth at me and offer me a Chianti I am leaving!"

"Just answer the question drama puss," Jareth drawled.

"Because it was a distraction. You were more interested in keeping Toby than me," Sarah responded.

"For the sake of argument, if you thought my offer genuine what would your answer have been?" Jareth asked, leaning his elbows on the table and resting his chin on his hands.

"No," Sarah snapped.

"Why?" Jareth prompted, not taking his gaze from her face.

"Because proposing to a fifteen-year-old is pervy, and on the basis of quid pro quo that's two answers you now owe me," Sarah challenged. "Question number one, have you been spying on me since I left the Underground?"

"No," he answered lowering his arms and sitting back in his chair.

"Why not?" Sarah demanded, a little annoyed at his response, although she couldn't quite figure out why.

"Because quite frankly my dear I have better things to do with my time. I haven't had a day off since that blasted film came out. When I am not dealing with wishers and runners, I am having to manage the upkeep of the Labyrinth. The knockers on the doors outside the fiery forest need to be greased with WD40 almost weekly, the helping hands are bitching about some form of RSI, the bog of eternal stench needs constant putrefying, the fairy infestation is getting out of hand as Hoggle is constantly called away to distract runners. I have the Labyrinth Inhabitants Consortium (LIC for short!) petitioning me weekly for pay rises and an increase in benefits as I quote 'This workload ain't what I signed up for', not to mention international relations of trade deals, visiting dignitaries, social gatherings and the High King and Queen plus the bloody Council breathing down my neck about finding a queen. One I would not even have time to impregnate even if I was to secure her. So, NO SARAH, I HAVE NOT BEEN SPYING ON YOU!"

Sarah sat in stunned silence as Jareth shook out his napkin briskly and poured another cup of tea.

"Okaaay then," Sarah said raising her eyebrows. "For my second question, is it a coincidence that this competition has fallen on my 24th year? The age that fae deem it acceptable to claim a mate?"

"That's three questions," Jareth answered.

"No it isn't," Sarah flared.

"'Why not' was your second question," Jareth said.

"Why you sneaky-"

"Now, now Sarah, do try some cake, it is divine," Jareth said holding up a large slab of chocolate and orange confectionery.

"You're not going to answer my question are you?" Sarah whispered.

Jareth's response was to shove a large bit of cake into his mouth and hold up his hands apologetically.

It was at that moment that Tariq knocked on the door and entered. "Your Majesty, the representative from the production company has arrived."

"Ah," the Goblin King said, swallowing the last of his tea and standing. "If you will forgive me Sarah, duty calls."

Sarah was still reeling following their conversation and the emotional roller-coaster she had just experienced. _I really have to watch myself around these fae bastards,_ she thought. "Oh, Your Majesty," Sarah called as Jareth had already started heading towards the door.

"Yes Sar-ah," he said her name like it was a caress, she shuddered but couldn't tell if it was from revulsion or something else.

"Hoggle has invited me to the pub tonight, the Jolly something, can I go? I mean are we allowed to leave the castle?" Sarah asked.

Jareth thought for a moment. "I don't see the harm, just make sure you are back by midnight," he answered.

"Oh, am I playing Cinderella now?" she quipped.

"Trust me, my girl, if you break the curfew I will do more to you than turn you into a pumpkin," he responded, giving her a smirk that left her feeling uncomfortable.

"I am not _your_ anything Goblin King," she spat.

"Of course you are Sarah, you are _my_ Champion, and I couldn't be happier to have you here," he gave her a wink and sauntered out the room.

"Bastard!" she hissed. "AND WHAT'S WITH THE BLOODY WINKING TODAY!" she shouted in the hopes he would hear. She stood from the table and threw down her napkin a second time, stomping off back to the design studio. _Twenty-four years old and on a curfew, Toby would piss himself laughing if he ever heard about this!_

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 _AN:_ Please review with what you think worked, didn't work, it takes less than a minute and helps to keep this train wreck on track. Plus I have absolutely no bloody idea who could be reading this! : )

Recommendations:

Staff Meeting by FrancesOsgood - most of you would have read this but for those who haven't this is a must, the scene with Ludo is priceless.

Facebook for Dummies er, Goblin Kings by FrancesOsgood - Jareth is venturing into the world of social media, and he needs Sarah's help

His Parliament Guard by GoldenAerie - this is a Jareth/OC but it is not a romantic fic, and although Sarah does not appear she is referenced. I have recommended this as I normally avoid OC stories minus Sarah, but this one is a good adventure with the possibility of a sequel involving our champion. The new characters are fascinating and deserve their own spin-off, plus this version of the Underground is not the usual and is portrayed as vaster and more varied. There are also some very funny moments involving our favourite Goblin King.


	9. Chapter 9 - You're So Vain

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ Thank you to those who have sent PM's and Reviewed, I am grateful. Tenjp I cannot respond to you directly so here is a big thank you to you and I am glad you are enjoying it. I also note that some of you have commented that you are pleased there is some dialogue between Jareth and Sarah and that he is coming across as not 'just a douche'. There will be much more of this interaction as the plot (Plot… what plot?!) moves on : )

Big thank you to my occasional beta Whenasinsilks for giving this the once-over.

Note: As stated before, if you need to keep track or refresh your memory of the contestants and their backstory/agenda, please refer to chapter 7.

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Sarah was still smarting from her conversation with Jareth when she descended the main staircase to get to the design studio. It was during her descent that she noticed a rather ostentatious portrait of Jareth looming fifteen feet above her. He was in full goblin regalia and had an imperious look about him. She poked her tongue out at the pompous image then paused as she noticed his attire.

"Excuse me," Sarah said to a goblin servant who was heading up the stairs.

"Yes Miss?" the goblin replied, somewhat surprised that one of the Labyrinth Winners was bothering to talk to her.

"Do you know what material this is?" Sarah pointed to the armour that Jareth was wearing under his cloak in the portrait.

"That would be dragon's hide Miss, senior members of the garrison wear it at official functions to show their allegiance to the Goblin King, as it is his fabric of choice when he wants to appear intimidating," the goblin replied before continuing on her way.

"Thanks," Sarah said, an idea forming as she gazed at the artist's impression of Jareth's clothes.

On entering the design studio, she hurried to her easel without a word to Susan or the others and began re-sketching in earnest, half an hour later Tariq approached her.

"How goes it Miss Williams, is there anything I can get you?" he asked.

"Tariq, how difficult would it be for me to get hold of some dragon's hide?" Sarah asked.

"Dragons hide? Are you preparing to go into battle?" Tariq queried.

"In a way, I thought it would make a good addition to my outfit, you know, symbolising the strength of the Goblin Army and reflecting on the King's prowess, as a Queen should," Sarah responded, pandering to Tariq's loyal nature.

"Indeed, what an idea! Although you will certainly need help in moulding it to your design, enchanted goblin thread will be necessary as the material itself is virtually indestructible," Tariq said.

"Could you see to it? I won't need much, a metre at most. I think I am also ready to meet with the goblin seamstresses to hand over my preliminary design."

"Leave it to me Miss Williams," Tariq said rushing off, excited at the Champion's idea. Following his conversation with His Majesty this morning, he was more determined than ever to have the Champion as Queen if the need arose. Not knowing exactly what his King was up to was not unusual, but in this instance the stakes were too high, and he felt it his duty to ensure that there was a viable option should whatever Jareth's plan to thwart the Council, fail. However, it was not just Miss Williams that needed winning around, he was convinced the Goblin King would need some encouragement also.

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"So Princess, how did lunch go with Voldemort?" Susan asked, waiting until they were back in their rooms before grilling Sarah on her 'date'.

"It was as dreadful as I thought it would be," Sarah responded from her position draped over the chaise lounge.

"What? Did he letch all over you and try to give you a roofied peach again?" Susan laughed.

"No, on the contrary, I really don't think he likes me at all. I'm pretty sure the reason I'm here is to pacify the High Council, or at least maintain the Goblin King's reputation with the High Council. I mean, what is a contest between the Labyrinth Winners if the Champion isn't involved? Plus, he sees the reason for the contest in the first place as my fault, so as far as he's concerned I should stop whining and play my part," Sarah said.

"How did he figure that one out?" Susan asked.

"The number of runners has got out of hand due to my not changing the summons in my original story, which made its way into the film script. He's made a deal with the High Council to get the summons changed, which they've agreed to _if_ he selects a wife from the successful runners," Sarah explained.

"Oh, well what makes you think he doesn't like you? For someone who doesn't like you he sure watches you a lot," Susan said.

"He watches me, and you by the way, as he sees us as 'disruptive trouble makers'," Sarah replied.

"Oh, if you say so, but I bet if you offered it to him on a plate, he would definitely take you up on it," Susan suggested.

"Yeah, me and the rest of us girls!" Sarah quipped as she stood up from the chaise. "I'm going to take a shower before I head out."

"What are your plans?" Susan asked.

"I'm heading over to the Jolly Gobbler with Hoggle to meet up with an old friend, I would invite you but I'm not sure if you have permission to leave the castle. Jareth said it was OK for me to go, but get this, I have to ' _be back by Midnight'"_ Sarah mimicked.

"Curfew? Gutted!" Susan laughed. "Count me out of this one, I think I make Hoggle nervous and it's obvious he wanted to talk to you privately earlier."

"Not sure how private a pub in the Goblin City is going to be, but I guess you're right," Sarah called as she disappeared through the doorway to her bedroom.

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"Cheers!" the three friends chorused as they clinked their tankards together.

"So where's Ludo? I thought he would want to join us," Sarah said before she took her very first ever gulp of goblin ale.

"He is over the other side of the Western Forest on the edge of the Kingdom, working on a deteriorated part of the border wall. Such is the life of the Kingdom Rock Caller," Sir Didymus answered.

"That's a shame, I hope I get to see him before I head back Above," Sarah said then nodded towards her drink. "This stuff's pretty good!"

Hoggle and Sir Didymus exchanged glances as Sarah was distracted by her drink.

"Above, fair maiden? Are you planning on leaving us already?" Didymus asked.

"Well not straight away. Although knowing the Goblin King, he's going to want to eliminate me from the competitions as soon as possible," Sarah said.

"What makes ye say that Sarah?" Hoggle asked.

"Let's just say during our lunch today he made it perfectly clear what he thought of me, and he's concerned how Susan and I are affecting the other girls," Sarah said, grimacing into her drink.

"Ye may drive him crackers Sarah, but there is no way he's going to boot ye out at the first opportunity, not with the trouble he took to get ye here," Hoggle said.

"We'll see, I have a great idea for the gown, if I am honest I'm actually finding this kind of fun. I mean, I get to see you guys, Susan is great and I get to know more about the Underground and the Court. It's not like there are going to be any repercussions as my family's concerns will have been taken care of, and I was not due back to work for a month as I was going to visit my folks," Sarah said, taking another long draft of her drink.

"Easy Sarah, this stuff has a habit of creeping up on ye, especially if ye haven't had it before," Hoggle warned, sipping his beverage. "Anyway, have ye given any thought to the fact ye might win? What happens then?"

"Trust me Hoggle, I am not going to win. Jareth is not going to have me for a wife, despite his annoying attempts at flirtation. He is just fucking with me and trying to wind me up," Sarah ranted and took another swallow, seemingly oblivious to Hoggle's warning. "I mean, he's hardly going to want to end up with a queen who can't stand him, and vice versa," Sarah added.

Hoggle looked over at Sir Didymus and raised his eyes in concern.

"Fair maiden, methinks you judge His Majesty a bit too harshly. After all, he can be generous," Didymus began.

"Urgh, if I hear that word one more time-" Sarah exclaimed in a near shout.

"But Sarah, look at what has become of you as a result of yer visit to the Underground all those years ago. Yer job, yer relative wealth, the chance at adventure. Do you regret knowing us?" Hoggle asked.

"Of course not Hoggle," Sarah stressed.

"Well none of that would have happened if Jareth hadn't of took yer brother away, now would it?" Hoggle said, slapping his hand on the table to affirm his point.

"I guess, but that doesn't mean he isn't a dick. He has us competing for his favour like some transvestite sultan in a mythical harem," Sarah grumped, draining her tankard and slapping it down to match Hoggle's action.

"What's this?" said a voice directly behind Sarah.

"Oh, it's you," Sarah said in disappointment when she saw Couric.

"May I join you?" Couric began as he took the chair next to Sarah.

"Actually-" began Hoggle.

"Elmo!" shouted Couric, "a round of drinks for my friends here."

"-Er that would be fine," about faced Hoggle, "Very kind of ye."

Sarah rolled her eyes at how easy Hoggle could be won over and turned her attention to Couric.

"So what brings you here on this fine evening?" Sarah asked.

"Oh, I am residing in the castle whilst the competitions are going on. Wouldn't miss this for the world. This place is my usual watering hole when I am in residence, isn't that right, Hoggle? Or can I call you 'Can't hold it'?" Couric asked, laughing at the now scowling dwarf as Elmo trotted over, hidden under a large tray containing four tankards of goblin ale.

"Thanks Elmo," Couric said, taking the tankards and dropping the coins onto the tray which rattled loudly, echoing through the poor barman's ears.

"No problem," squeaked the small red fur ball as he scurried back to the bar.

"Haven't I seen him somewhere before?" Sarah asked.

"So what's this about a transvestite sultan?" Couric leaned forward to reclaim Sarah's attention, subjecting her to an intense stare whilst he took a slow draft of his ale.

"Oh you know, this whole debacle is a bit degrading, I can't stand these types of shows back home. And it's a non-starter for me, it's not as if we like one another, so it just feels a bit hyp," Sarah hiccupped, "hypocritical and a waste of time."

"Don't you want to win, Sarah?" Couric prompted.

"As I have already explained to my friends here," Sarah gave an extravagant wave towards Didymus and Hoggle that nearly unseated her, "that isn't going to happen, due to mine and Jareth's… history," Sarah laughed and got started on her second drink with gusto, not noticing that Hoggle and Didymus were still only half way through their first.

"OK, so if you are so certain that you would not be chosen, nor would you want to be of course," Couric quickly added at her glare, "how about a bit of fun?"

"How d'you mean?" Sarah squinted.

"Well, you seem to be convinced he is disinterested in you, so, let's make him notice you," suggested Couric.

"Oh he's aware I'm here," Sarah said narrowing her eyes, "he watches me through his balls like some geriatric peeping twat and when I'm with him, he keeps staring at me and being suggestive just to try and fuck with my mind."

"So, fight fire with fire Champion, treat him to his own medicine," Couric said. "I assure you he won't know what hit him if you decided to turn your charm on him. After all, if he is taking advantage of your discomfort around him and that is giving him some perverse pleasure, just turn the tables. I would pay very good money to see that." Couric said.

"WHAT? You mean flirt?" Sarah said.

"Oh nothing so obvious, don't flirt, TEMPT!" Couric said, staring at Sarah directly with a sly smile on his face.

"Oh!" Sarah said, it must be due to the drink that she was even listening to this, although it's true it had never occurred to her to take control of the situation in that way. "Well, what's in it for you Couric?" not trusting this 'well intentioned' advice for a second.

"Immortality can get a bit dull at times, and your arrival here is considered to be anything but dull. Jareth plays his cards too close to his chest, and I think you are the one person who can best him, get him to show his hand as it were. Let's just say there is a sweepstake going on as to what will happen during these competitions, and I think you, Sarah, are the wild card in Jareth's carefully laid plans," Couric confided.

"I am not going to _tempt_ Jareth just for the Court's entertainment!" Sarah slurred, waving a finger in Couric's face.

"Not for our entertainment Sarah, but for the game. You can come out of this situation victorious, by showing each and every other runner why you are the Champion, and you can show Jareth that he is not the only one who can, what was it, 'mind fuck' people," Couric encouraged, glancing over at Hoggle and Didymus and giving a quick shake of his head when Hoggle was about to say something. Sarah was too busy staring into her tankard with a sneaky smile on her face, picturing the moment when she showed them all.

"Yeah, you know what, you're surprisingly right Couric. I mean, it is partly my fault that the Labyrinth is getting bogged down with runners," Sarah snorted "Get it BOGGED, hahahaha" she cackled leaning backwards and suddenly disappearing with a thud.

"Sarah are y'alright?" Hoggle jumped up to help her. Couric was laughing and shaking his head whilst Sir Didymus assisted Sarah back into her chair.

"I see you have discovered the fast-acting effects of goblin ale, Champion!" Couric sniggered into his own tankard.

"Do you know what? I am going to sort all of this out, I'm going to get the summons changed, win those challenges and show Jareth just who's Champion around here!" she crowed, standing on her chair and raising her tankard in the air, "Who's with me?" she cried.

Couric jumped up and clashed tankards with her "That's my girl."

"NOT _your_ anything," Sarah said with a sickly sweet smile, downing the rest of her drink.

Couric laughed uproariously and motioned for Hoggle and Didymus to join in. They also toasted to Sarah's success, just realising that Couric had managed to achieve with Sarah, in a very short time, something they were struggling to do, getting her to take an active part in the competitions and court Jareth's attention. Although they were hoping her reasons would have been more romantically intentioned.

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Jareth entered the Jolly Gobbler pub with a purposeful step and a furious countenance. There, before him, dancing on the bar and singing loudly were Sarah, Couric, Hoggle and Sir Didymus; encouraging the rest of the patrons of the pub to join in on the chorus of some ridiculous song which apparently, everyone seemed to know but him. He locked eyes with Sarah just as everyone joined in at an ear-splitting volume

 _You're so vain_

 _I bet you think this song is about you_

 _You're so vain_

 _I bet you think this song is about you, don't you, don't you!_

Jareth bristled and a wind rose through the establishment causing everyone's singing to tail off instantly.

"GK my man! So cool of you to join us, have a drink. ELMO! A drink for my main man here," Sarah cried waving her tankard in the air as she spun around and fell off the back of the bar.

Couric and the rest of the bar burst into loud laughter, but Jareth closed the distance in a second and leapt over the bar. "Sarah, are you hurt?" he asked bending low.

"Hey twinkle tights, why are there three of you?" she asked from her prostrate position between two kegs of ale.

Jareth growled low and raised his hands to his brow "Sarah! You were told to return to the castle by midnight, just look at the state of you!"

"What are you going on about, I've still got half an hour!" Sarah said pointing up to the clock which was showing the little hand pointing north and the big hand pointing south.

"That is a thirteen-hour clock, you imbecile girl!" Jareth snapped.

"OH! oh, well, why the hell would you give me a midnight curfew in a thirteen-hour day? What kind of stupid fucking logic is that!" she cried.

People gasped around them on hearing someone address the King in such a manner. Jareth glared at her then turned his furious gaze on Couric. "Is this your doing?" he snapped.

"Don't look at me, I was just watching out for her, I didn't realise she was on a curfew," Couric said, trying not to laugh as Sarah was unsuccessfully trying to pull herself up from the floor, crashing down onto a crate and causing more damage.

Jareth rolled his eyes skyward and bent down to pick Sarah up. She shrieked then started laughing as she saw Hoggle hiding behind a barrel, head down with his arse up in the air.

"My round next time guys!" Sarah called to everyone and then began singing loudly again

 _Well you had me several years ago_

 _When I was still quite naive_

Jareth glared at Couric and the others, daring them to say something about the song, before storming out of the pub still carrying Sarah. As soon as they appeared outside another loud chorus of the song began again and Jareth snarled and glared down at the girl in his arms, about to deliver the worst telling off Sarah Williams would ever hear, that is, he would have, if the damned girl wasn't unconscious and snuggling into his chest like a baby rabbit.

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 _AN:_ Almost at the challenge but this is a short one that I wanted to get out quickly, couldn't resist writing an episode of Sarah on the lash in the Goblin City.

Please review, much to my horror I am discovering that I'm a bit of a review loving fiend!

References:

 _You're So Vain_ performed and written by Carly Simon (1972)

Recommendations:

Goblins Roasting on an Open Fire by ALadyofStardust – because there are only 61 sleeps til Christmas!


	10. Chapter 10 - Get Lucky

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Huge thankyou to my wonderful occasional Beta Whenasinsilks, your time is very much appreciated and your feedback spares me from looking like an illiterate wombat.

Note: As stated before, if you need to keep track or refresh your memory of the contestants and their backstory/agenda, please refer to chapter 7. However, for quick reference I have listed the characters at the bottom of this chapter and will be moving it to the bottom of chapter 1 onwards – a good idea I have nabbed from Kbates!

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Sarah Williams opened her eyes to a wavering image. It took a few seconds, but the image gradually morphed into the shape of the goblin from the previous morning, carrying a tray with the familiar frothy and smoking concoction. Said goblin didn't utter a word although she had raised her eyebrow, a gesture eerily familiar to that of the Goblin King, whilst waiting for Sarah to reach out and take the magical hangover cure. Sarah gingerly raised herself up on her elbow and reached out for the drink, her head swimming as she desperately tried to quell the rising nausea. On completion of the medicine, Sarah collapsed back onto her bed with a very loud groan, her entire body ached. The goblin left, again without a word and Sarah was grateful for the quiet. For all of about two seconds.

" _She's up all night 'til the sun, I'm up all night to get some, She's up all night for good fun, I'm up all night to get lucky!_ " Susan sang at the top of her voice from Sarah's bedroom doorway.

Sarah's only response was a giggle snort, followed by a whimper.

"SOOOOoooooo, what happened to you?" Susan asked as she walked over and plopped herself down on the edge of Sarah's bed.

"I don't know," Sarah opened her eyes and tried not to move as she answered. "I went to the pub and was given the 'usual' for patrons, it's called goblin ale 'surprise' and I am NEVER touching that shit again," Sarah whined, running her hands down her face.

"OK, that's how you got in this state, but that doesn't tell me what you did," Susan prompted.

"What do you mean?" Sarah asked, starting to get a bit nervous.

"Well you rocked up here in the arms of the Goblin King, way past your curfew. And you were unconscious," Susan sniggered.

"Oh!" Sarah said as her memories came flooding back. Then moaned "OOHHHH Fuuuuuuuck!"

"So, did we stay out and get lucky? Cause judging from the sappy look on his face when he laid you down on your bed, I would say you've got this competition thing in the bag!" Susan said, bursting out laughing at Sarah's expression of horror.

"Bullshit!" Sarah exclaimed, "You are joking, right?"

Susan got off the bed and started heading to their lounge, humming away to _Daft Punk_.

"Susan, you are winding me up, right? SUSAN!"

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Half an hour later found the girls in the dining room, partaking of a buffet style breakfast. It did not go unnoticed that Sarah was holding herself very gingerly.

"What happened to you, Champion?" Sabine asked, helping herself to a second cup of coffee.

"Night out at the pub," Sarah said, on observing the questioning looks she was receiving she elaborated. "Don't ask. But don't touch the goblin ale, that stuff is serious," she advised her fellow contestants.

"That would explain a hangover, but you seem to be having trouble walking," Rhiannon commented, smirking at her.

"Damn girl, you already getting some action outside competition rules?" exclaimed Shante, "Man that is fast work, I may have underestimated you!"

"NO! For the love of Christ!" Sarah exclaimed, wincing in her discomfort "There was NO action of that kind, I just got pissed and fell off the bar and landed on my arse."

"Really?" said Shante "Cause the last time I walked like that, I had one in the pink and one in the stink-"

"WHHOOOOAA!" Sarah shouted.

"TMI Latimore!" Jaime exclaimed.

"I think I'm going to be sick," gagged Crystal.

"What does that even mean?" squeaked the innocent Kitty.

"I'll tell you when you're older," Susan said, leaning over Kitty's shoulder to grab the last bagel.

"Ladies!" declared Tariq, who had just entered the dining hall. If you could please bring your beverages and make your way to the Common Room, I will outline the plan for the day and the fashion show this evening.

The girls quickly headed towards the coffee decanters.

"You sure you're okay, princess? How on earth are you going to catwalk tonight, you can barely walk normally!" Susan said to Sarah.

"Fuck knows, I will see if Tariq has some strong painkillers and just wing it I guess," Sarah grumbled, picking up her coffee and shuffling to the door.

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Once they were all assembled in the Common Room, Chun hurried in.

"Sorry I'm late, I was having breakfast with His Majesty," she chimed with a huge smile on her face.

"That's right, it was your turn for the 'get to know ya", so how did it go?" Jaime asked.

"Well-" began Chun, but Tariq called for quiet and began to address the girls.

"The goblin seamstresses have worked through the night to complete the gowns, as per your designs and instructions. You will have the next five hours to alter and accessorise your gowns, you will have a team of seamstresses available to help you. In addition to the alterations, you will also need to select the music arrangement you would like to present the gown to and also choose hair and make-up, again we have a team here to assist you with this. Your gown must be finished, you must have eaten, and you must be bathed and ready for hair and make-up backstage by seven o'clock, the fashion show will begin promptly at nine o'clock. Any questions?" Tariq asked.

"Will there be anyone to show us how to cat-walk? Not all of us have modelling experience," Darla complained.

"Yes, we have a director who has already arrived and will be taking you through what you need to do," Tariq answered.

"I saw a couple of guys with cameras in the main hall on my way down, will this be televised?" Freckles asked.

"Yes, that is the other thing I wanted to announce, thank you Miss Cherry," Tariq said. "The High Council have requested that the competition be run as it would Above, with film crew access to the challenges. However, we have asked that they not follow you around and film you in secret, we want you to be yourselves," Tariq confirmed.

"So they are only going to film the actual competitive event?" Sarah asked.

"No, they have asked for the option to interview you all after the event," Tariq said. "You know how it goes, you face the camera looking beautiful, and tell them your thoughts on what happened to yourselves and to the other contestants, a bit like a diary room scenario."

"Are we expected to make shit up and throw shade at one another?" Susan asked.

"No, well, I am sure that would please the production crew, however please let me remind you that this will be shown in the Underground, members of the High Council and the Court will be watching and you want to create a favourable impression," Tariq urged the girls.

"So, does everyone get to vote? Is there going to be some kind of fairy-phone-in or something?" Jaime asked.

"No, His Highness makes the decision regarding who stays and who goes," Tariq said, he then looked towards the open door and then leaned closer to the girls. "However, I can tell you that the High Council have requested a voting system be set up, to ascertain your popularity amongst the Court."

"Why would they bother doing that? If the decision is strictly His Majesty's" Crystal asked.

"Because, Miss Hudson," came a voice from the doorway "the Court are a nosy bunch of gossips who want to have their say."

Everyone turned to see the Goblin King leaning casually against the door frame. One eyebrow raised and his gaze fixed on Tariq, who clearly was not supposed to be divulging Court business to the contestants.

"Impeccable timing your Majesty," Tariq twittered, nervously glancing around. "Maybe you would be best placed to answer the ladies' questions?"

The Goblin King's gaze turned icy towards his Steward, secretly enjoying him squirm. In all honesty it was not Tariq's fault, he had not fully briefed him on what could and couldn't be relayed to the Winners. However, Tariq was well aware that the King did not like information to be shared indiscriminately.

"Good morning ladies," Jareth inclined his head. "So, I understand you have questions?"

After ten minutes of bombarding the Goblin King with questions, ranging from the craftily intelligent to the downright inane, and during which he gave away next to no useful information, Jareth decided to close down the discussion. "Well now we cannot make it too easy, can we?" he quipped. This was followed by numerous complaints and even one girl was stupid enough to call out "That's not fair!" The Goblin King pinched the bridge of his nose and cursed the fates that put him in this position.

"Ladies, you managed to solve the Labyrinth! Yet you are getting yourselves all worked up over a fashion show. Surely this should be a 'piece of cake'?" the Goblin King patronized, his gaze fixed on Sarah during his final comment.

Sarah rolled her eyes at the vainglorious King and shifted uncomfortably, wincing when the base of her spine collided with a cushion.

"Miss Williams," came the low growl.

Sarah's eyes flew towards the Goblin King again.

"You will come with me," Jareth turned and headed out the room, it was not a request.

Sarah grimaced and eased herself out of the chair.

"Time to get your wrist slapped, you dirty stop-out," chuckled Susan.

Sarah flashed Susan a concerned look before hobbling towards the door.

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Jareth showed Sarah into his study, it was the second time she had been in this room and this time, she really did feel like she was reporting to the Headmaster's office.

"Sit down, Sarah," Jareth offered as he walked around to his side of the desk and collapsed gracefully into his chair.

"If it's all the same, Your Majesty, it's more comfortable to stand," Sarah replied.

"Ah yes, you did take quite a tumble off the bar I recall," Jareth commented, sprinkling some food into Kermit and Miss Piggy's bowl.

"Yeah, about that. Look I'm sorry if I missed the curfew, but you did say midnight and where I come from, that means the big and little hand pointing upwards," Sarah said, growing gradually nervous at Jareth's stoic countenance. "Also, I was bought these drinks that were too strong for a human bodybuilder, let alone a 120-pound girl, I couldn't see straight let alone tell the time-"

"Sarah!" the Goblin King's clipped tone brought her rambling to a standstill, she was waiting for the snake to come flying at her. "Am I your father?"

"What? God, I hope not!" Sarah replied.

"Then why are you wittering on as if I am about to ground you?" Jareth asked, a slight smirk appearing on his face, he was enjoying this.

"Well you said turning me into a pumpkin was nothing compared to what you would do to me if I broke the curfew, and what with you being a mystical sadistic Tinkerbell, forgive me for being a tad nervous!" she snapped.

"Oh my Sarah, we are grumpy this morning, sore bottom is it? And your concern is that I am going to make it much more tender?" Jareth asked lasciviously, causing Sarah to blush furiously.

"I suggested nothing of the sort, judging from your get-up you're the BDSM fan in the room, not I!"

Jareth very slowly tilted his head towards Sarah and rose from his position in the chair. A crop suddenly materialised in his hand and he began tapping it against his thigh, as his stride brought him stealthily towards his quarry.

"BDSM? Could that stand for Bold, Dashing and Sinfully Mysterious?"

"I was going more for Blond, Deluded and Seriously Misguided," Sarah quipped back, glaring up at him and resting a hand on her hip in defiance, although she was very aware of the tap tap tap of the crop not three feet from her.

"Well, seeing as you are so eager for punishment, I had better get down to business had I not?" Jareth's smooth voice wrapped around her, immobilizing her fight or flight sense as his grin spread wider. "Lean over the desk."

"What?" she shrieked.

"I said, lean over the desk," Jareth repeated.

"NO, no no no no, GO FUCK yourself Goblin King, I am not letting you spank me!" she screeched.

Jareth's cackling was loud and long, he gripped the side of the desk as he gazed at her through wisps of his hair, before going into further peals of laughter. "Oh, my precious girl, if you could see the look on your face."

"What exactly is so bloody funny?" Sarah snapped, _he's nuts, he is fucking nuts!_ her mind kept chanting to itself.

"My my Sarah, what a dirty little mind you have," Jareth said. "I was merely going to heal your lower spine, there is no way you can 'catwalk' with a bruised coccyx."

"That is not what you implied, you were talking punishment and then about getting down to business!" Sarah challenged.

"What I meant was, I would get to the matter of punishment, but first I had better get down to business, i.e. the business of healing you. However, if you have a mind for a couple of swipes of my crop I am sure I can accommo-"

"That will not be necessary, Goblin King" Sarah clarified, raising her hand to reinforce the 'don't go there' message. She was mortified at her mistake, however she was also in an awful lot of pain, and quite frankly was prepared to accept a full body massage from a troll if it meant she could walk normally again. She quickly weighed up her options "Are you the only person who can heal me?" Sarah asked.

"Any fae with experience in healing magic could do it, but time is of the essence and I am standing right here," Jareth offered.

Sarah blew out a frustrated breath and pinned him with a contemptuous look. "Very well, Goblin King, you may heal my back. But no funny business. And for God's sake put that bloody crop down, you look like a right twat!" He didn't, but there was no way in the Underground she was going to tell him that.

Normally Jareth would take exception to her spiteful words, but he was still revelling in her reaction to his teasing, and her sharp tongue was not going to take his victory away from him. He looked at the crop and then back at Sarah. "Another time perhaps," he purred and Sarah bristled.

"So Sarah, as I was saying, would you be so kind as to lean over my desk so I can get to the 'affected area'," Jareth sniggered.

Sarah furrowed her brow, raising her shirt as she leaned over the desk.

"I am afraid it requires skin to skin contact," Jareth prompted, an unapologetic smile on his face before he put his gloved fingers to his teeth and tugged them off.

Sarah gaped at him and then moved her hands to the top of her jeggings and rolled them low past her hip bone. _I just had to fall on my arse didn't I, couldn't land on my arm or my head, oh no, that would not be humiliating enough would it, that fae prick is absolutely loving this!_ "Please just get on with it, and not one word about this to anyone, and I mean anyone, okay?" Sarah whined, her eyes practically singeing him before she resumed the submissive position over his desk.

Jareth approached her slowly and placed one hand on her shoulder to hold her steady, before raising his other hand towards the base of her spine. At that moment the door burst open and in walked Tariq followed by the Production Director and a film crew.

"Your Majesty, I have come to-" Tariq froze as he took in the scene before him. There was the Champion of the Labyrinth, spread face down across the King's desk with her lower back exposed, and his Majesty standing behind the Champion, bare handed and touching her bottom. _Is that a crop on the desk?_ his mind misfired and then he sprang into action.

"Out! Out! Sorry wrong room!" Tariq shrilled as he practically threw the film crew from the King's study, their faces all in various stages of shock.

"Ah," the Goblin King said, looking down at Sarah who was frozen in place, wishing she was anywhere else, including dead, at that moment. "Sarah, when you said don't tell anyone, could you be more specific?"

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That evening, the girls were backstage having their hair and make-up arranged, there was a flurry of activity and everyone felt the nervous excitement of the coming competition. Sarah gazed at her reflection whilst a fae hair designer lifted the sides of her hair and fastened them into decorative ebony clips, the crown settled into a high quiff with the mass of her hair left to tumble down her back. Her eyes were surrounded by a smoky kohl effect that swept up to meet her equally swept up brows, making her green eyes sparkle against the dark background. The overall effect was startling and acted as the catalyst for the ensemble. The hairdresser looked over at Tariq, both nodding in silent agreement that Sarah would not just be modelling the dress, she would be owning it.

Sarah put on her gown with the help of two seamstresses whilst the hairdresser lifted the length of Sarah's hair, so she could be laced into the dragon-hide corset. This was a tricky exercise, as the seamstresses were having to use enchanted thread and gloves to secure the material. Once laced in, the bottom fabric, a sheer black, silver and grey mesh was threaded through the bottom of the corset, the layers multi-hued and overlapping to create the effect of a flowing skirt. The result being when Sarah walked, the material fluttered in all directions, giving the impression that she was walking through high winds, that she was the force pushing through the elements of the dress. There was also a matching high collared cloak to accompany the dress, reminiscent of the one the Goblin King wore the night he came to collect Toby. On her feet, she wore five-inch stiletto black platforms that ran in a gladiator fashion to her mid-calf, the soles of which were silver. Sarah turned to look at the finished article in the mirror, shocked at her reflection. If someone was instructed to do an artistic impression of The Goblin Queen, this would be it. She not only rivalled the masculine image of Jareth's portrait, she surpassed it. Sarah Williams, screenwriter and owner of a little cottage in Hertfordshire, looked like the most powerful creature in the Underground.

"Wow Princess, you look fucking amazing!" Susan whistled, coming over to stand by Sarah.

Sarah gulped audibly and nodded, "Maybe I overdid the accessorising a tad."

"Bollocks to that. Your outfit is not saying 'I am a contender for the Goblin Crown'. It's saying 'I am the Crown and the GK is my bitch!'" Susan smirked appreciatively. "Change one thing on this outfit and I will kick your ass."

Sarah smiled at her friend's reflection in the mirror and took in her outfit.

"I can't believe you're going to wear that!" Sarah laughed. Susan was dressed in a bright fuchsia chiffon, with a full tutu skirt complete with hot pink Dr Marten boots and electric blue fishnet tights. She looked dreadful as it clashed horribly with her red hair, but when challenged on her design, Susan had promptly told Tariq that this was a creative exercise and surely Susan was allowed to express her creativity. Tariq conceded, feeling that anything was better than the scrap of triangular material, from the initial sketch she handed in.

"You best not get thrown out of the competition for this, I don't think I could cope if you weren't here," Sarah said to Susan's reflection.

"Aww, gonna miss me?" Susan laughed. "I'm a non-conformist Sarah, which means that my design is an honest one. A bit like Shante's over there."

Sarah turned to see what Shante was barely wearing and her eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "If Shante's version of honesty is 'Here are my genitals, please take them'!" Sarah gasped.

"She's a perfect match for the Goblin King then!" Susan responded, and both girls burst into hysterical laughter.

"Five minutes, ladies, five minutes!" called Tariq, who was buzzing around like a demented wasp, achieving nothing but managing to get in everyone's way.

The girls headed toward the catwalk entrance and peeped through the panels to see the large ballroom filled with nobility and VIPs from the Underground.

"God there must be at least four hundred people out there!" Crystal gasped.

"Merde! I hate crowds, this is going to be awful," whimpered Sabine.

"What on earth are you doing in this competition if you can't handle crowds? You are competing to be a queen for Christ's sake!" Rhiannon exclaimed.

"We're all nervous, let's just calm down," reasoned Crystal.

"Dutch courage anyone?" Jaime said, passing around a hip flask.

"Where the hell did you get that?" asked Darla.

"Borrowed it from Hoggle, he says it's good to ease nerves," Jaime said.

"Hold on," Sarah interrupted "let me smell that." She sniffed the flask and started laughing. "That is peach whiskey, but if it is anything like the goblin ale don't take more than a sip, you will be swinging from the chandeliers singing 'If you like it then you should've put a ring on it'!"

"She speaks from experience of course," added Susan with a snort. "Pass me that flask."

All the girls took a quick swig, "Ladies is everything all ready?" Tariq asked, curious to see what they were up to. Chun nearly spilt the whiskey down her chin as she struggled to hide the flask from His Majesty's Steward.

"All good to go!" they chorused, a little boisterously in Tariq's opinion.

"Okay," the Director said rushing over. "Into position girls." There was a lot of shuffling as they got into order. This time they were going to walk in reverse order of who conquered the Labyrinth, they unanimously agreed that it wasn't fair that the Champion got to go first for everything.

"Cue music," the Director called, "And go!"

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Please review, love a review, it makes me feel like I am not talking/writing to myself!

 _AN:_ Anyone interested in seeing what Sarah's hair looks like, go to google and type in Jennifer Connelly Profile.

I know I am evil for stopping it there, please don't kill me!

 **References:**

 _Get Lucky_ performed and written by Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams and Nile Rodgers (2013)

 _Single Ladies_ performed and written by Beyonce et al (2008)

 **Recommendations:**

A Sickness Called Desire by Faeluver – reminds us not to take ourselves too seriously. Warning - For lovers of Parody only.

 **Character List:**

Sarah Williams – currently twenty-four years of age, single, workaholic, foul mouthed

Jareth, Goblin King – vainglorious, sometimes single, conniving and clever but vain

Tariq – GK's Steward, professional, courteous but terrified of upsetting his boss

Hoggle – Dwarf, getting on a bit, well-meaning but selfish by nature

Sir Didymus – clever, sees the bigger picture, chivalrous and loyal, which causes him some conflicts of interest due to his current employer

Couric – a Fae Noble and friend to the GK, always has an angle to play, epitome of a fae, lives like a bachelor but never lonely

Kermit and Miss Piggy - two goldfish that were wished away and are now Jareth's pets.

 _The Labyrinth Winners:_

Chun Ng – aka JC Penny. From Hong Kong, lives in LA, Astro-Physicist, very clever, wished away her dog when drunk to meet the GK.

Shante Latimore – aka The Man-eater. From Connecticut. Overtly sexual, determined but lazy, relies on her assets to get what she wants, but she is not stupid.

Crystal Hudson – aka Blondie. Canadian PR Advertising Executive. Smart, love games and puzzles, resourceful, attractive.

Katherine (Kitty) Farthingale – aka Squeaky. Australian born Filipino, Seventeen-years old, works with children. A bit scatty and naive.

Rhiannon Cherry – aka Freckles. Irish, works for the British Civil Service as a Trade Negotiator. Commercially driven.

Sabine Lennear – French. Can take a grudge a bit too far, wished her boss away as he got on her nerves.

Darla Foxe – American college graduate. Lots of debt and a disappointing life, sees the Underground and marriage to the GK as a sweet deal.

Jaime Barnett – aka Walmart. Fan of all things occult and obsessed with the idea of immortality. Sees hooking up with a fae as her ticket to eternal life.

Susan Briggs - The only other Winner to wish away a child apart from Sarah. She is in effect Sarah's wing man and finds Jareth about as attractive as a Creepy Uncle, she is playing the part of competition contestant so Jareth doesn't take her brother back to spite her unwillingness to be there.


	11. Chapter 11 - Supervixen

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

There are music references in this chapter as a soundtrack to the fashion show. I fully recommend playing them whilst reading this to enhance the experience.

Kudos to my Beta Whenasinsilks, without whose input, this chapter may not have seen the light of day!

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Jareth settled himself into a plush chair on the raised dais, opposite the end of the fashion show's central runway in the temporarily converted ballroom. He was looking forward to the night's event and the opportunity to finally get some payback on the Labyrinth Winners.

"Someone is happy," declared Couric as he and Galen approached Jareth and claimed the seats to his left.

"Indeed," Jareth responded, tilting his head and giving a close-lipped smile.

"I know that look. What are you up to old man?" Couric prompted, helping himself to the carafe of wine on the table in front of him.

"It has been a trying few days; however, tonight will see the beginning of all my plans coming to fruition."

"Trying indeed, you looked more than a little flustered when you appeared in Court this afternoon," Galen said.

"Ah, yes, I had just taken lunch with Shante Latimore. That girl really does not understand the correct meaning for the term finger food!" Jareth grumbled and Galen erupted into his annoying high-pitched laugh.

"Tried to pick things that were not on the plate, did she?" chuckled Couric.

"Thank the gods I have the power to apparate, otherwise it would have been a very embarrassing game of the butler chasing the maid around the table, with me being the maid!" Jareth shuddered. Galen's laughter increased in pitch and Jareth glared at him. "Galen, the High King and Queen will be here shortly, so I suggest you take your deranged tittering elsewhere!"

"It's alright, Your Majesty, we just stopped by to pay our respects," said Couric. "Although your lunch with the Man-eater does explain things. However, you should be aware of the rumour doing the rounds."

"No doubt you are here to enlighten me," Jareth responded. "Well?"

"Only that your dishevelled appearance was the result of your being 'all worked up' from disciplining the Champion over your study desk," Couric said, smirking at the look of frustration that appeared on Jareth's face.

"For the love of… Couric, Sarah has not undertaken her punishment yet as her schedule was tight today. What was observed, thanks to that bumbling fool Tariq, was my healing Sarah's lower back following her fall from the bar last night. An injury that was incurred whilst you were 'keeping an eye on her' I might add." Jareth's tone went from irritated to icy, making Couric instantly nervous.

"Ah, well it happened so quickly, I was unable to-"

"It matters not, as I explained to Sarah she will not be taking her punishment alone," Jareth smiled. "Both yourself, the dwarf and the knight will be joining her."

"Doing what exactly?" Couric enquired, dread pooling in his stomach, curdling the wine he had just consumed.

"You will find out tomorrow my friend," Jareth murmured, raising the wine to his lips and an eyebrow at his ill-looking subject.

At that moment, the High King and Queen appeared and began making their way over towards the dais.

"Time is up gentleman, off you go to take your seats, enjoy the show!" declared Jareth, happy to have silenced his irritating friends. Tonight would see the tables turn and an end to ridiculing the Goblin King. _They will all soon learn who holds power here — vain indeed!_

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The lights went down and music boomed around the room, announcing the impending entrance of the first Winner to the runway.

Susan glanced over at Sarah and mouthed "Wish me luck, this is for you!" before breaking into a sly smile and heading towards the stage entrance.

It was then Sarah recognised the song, _Prince Charming_ by Adam and the Ants, and she burst out laughing. "Oh Susan, if you don't get booted out for this, then someone up there is looking after you!"

Susan entered the stage in her fuchsia disaster, her chin held high and her arms crossed above her head in the 'Prince Charming' pose, which she held as her gaze sought out and locked onto the Goblin King.

 _Don't you ever, don't you ever_

 _Stop being dandy, showing me you're handsome_

Due to the size of the area, there were three runways leading in different directions from the main stage. Each runway was linked to the other at the end, forming a semi-circle. Susan had chosen to head off down the left catwalk first, stamping her Doc Martens with each pound of the drums, looking more like a general in a full-on military assault than a flowing catwalk model.

 _Prince Charming_

 _Ridicule is nothing to be scared of_

The significance of the lyrics was not lost on Jareth, and the sniggering from some of the Court members could be detected even from the royal dais. Although he told himself it was more likely in reaction to her garish outfit than any hidden attempt to embarrass him.

The High King leaned towards Jareth, "Is this song aimed at you, son?"

 _Maybe not._

"Miss Briggs is showing me her daring to be different and applauding my excellent take on fashion."

"If you say so, my boy!" responded the High King doubtfully and Jareth bristled.

At this point, Susan was at the end of the centre spoke of the runway, not fifteen feet from the royal dais. She looked directly at Jareth, making it clear this was a message for him.

 _Silk or leather or a feather_

 _Respect yourself and all of those around you_

She then lowered her arms and rolled her hip outwards towards Jareth as the last chorus struck up and she marched back down the central runway.

Jareth was seething. _Sarah no doubt is enjoying this_. With a slight wave of his hand the thread on Susan's dress began to unravel. She was halfway back to the main stage when the dress gave out and collapsed in a pile at her feet. Susan stopped marching and gazed down at her outfit. She was wearing nothing but a string-type vest and a pair of electric blue fishnet tights over a serviceable pair of cotton briefs, she turned and glared at the Goblin King. His returning smirk was not lost on her as she swept down to gather her clothing and marched off the stage to the sounds of roaring laughter from the audience.

"Goblin King 1 – Labyrinth Winners 0!" Jareth chortled as he took another sip of his drink.

The High Queen looked over at her son with a scowl on her face.

"Really, Jareth, you need to grow up!" she snapped.

"I don't know what you mean, mother. Is it my fault that her design was defective?" he said, looking innocence personified.

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"What happened?" Sarah gasped as Susan came storming backstage.

"That FUCKING FAE FUCK FACED BASTARD, that's what!" Susan shouted.

"Please, Miss Briggs," said Tariq as he hurried towards her, then suddenly jumped back three feet when she turned her murderous glare on him.

"Did you know he was going to do this?" Susan snapped at the terrified steward.

"I don't know what you mean, Miss Briggs. I have been working so diligently to make this night a success for you all!" pleaded Tariq.

"He's right you know, Susan, I don't think we can lay this on Tariq," Sarah replied. "Are you sure you checked the seams before you put it on?"

"Of course not, I just put the thing over my head! But it didn't feel loose. He did this, I know he did!" Susan fumed.

Just then another round of laughter was heard from the ballroom. Susan, Tariq and Sarah looked up to see Jaime stagger backstage, the heel to her shoe snapped clean off and the shoulder of her rainbow taffeta gown hanging limply down to her elbow.

"Oh, dear God!" muttered Sarah, her worst fears realised. Jareth's petulant childishness and vengeful nature was in full swing this evening. "We're all fucked!"

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The shaming continued.

Darla's dress unravelled like Susan's and she tripped and fell off the runway, landing in the lap of Lord Teague who looked more than happy to have a scantily clad mortal scrabbling around on top of him. Sabine didn't get half-way down the runway before she panicked and ran back towards the stage area, hoping to get backstage before a mishap befell her. Which in turn caused the crowds to be even more amused. Rhiannon slipped her shoes off and held onto the front of her dress as she marched down the catwalk, careful to watch her step and determined not to fall prey to any pranks. She had almost made it, but unfortunately the fates were not being kind and she felt a huge rush of air that lifted the length of her hair over her face. The lack of vision caused her to walk into the panelling at the stage wings and she landed unceremoniously on her back and out cold.

Sarah watched all this with mounting dread as each Winner met with disaster after disaster, knowing that Jareth would have saved the worst humiliation for her. Chun tried to make the best of it as she didn't want to forfeit the challenge, but she too returned humiliated with a destroyed gown and her fake fairy wings letting off a noxious odour. Crystal attempted to gain the upper hand by parodying her walk, so if anything bad happened it looked like it was intentional. Her antics did cause laughter but she played up to the audience with fake gasps, and "Oh's!" Smiling and winking as her hair unravelled and her dress became transparent. Shante looked like she was having a real blast, not that you needed to do anything to her outfit to make it more revealing. When her music changed from her chosen Beyoncé medley to Sir Mix-a-Lot, she got right down and gave the crowd an eyeful, pumping, grinding and twerking.

 _I like big butts and I cannot lie_

 _You other brothers can't deny_

 _That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist_

 _And a round thing in your face_

 _You get sprung!_

Jareth burst out laughing and applauded Shante's antics. There really was no embarrassing that girl. The High Queen looked like she was about to faint and the High King was choking on his wine, pointing at the stage and stuttering like a scandalised nun.

Sarah watched all of this in varying degrees of shock, awe at Shante and Crystal and fury at Jareth. The worst was Kitty. She was only seventeen but practically as naive as a seven-year-old. She didn't seem to realise that these misfortunes were down to sabotage. She stepped out onto the stage with a huge smile on her face and began walking to her chosen song.

 _Hey I just met you_

 _And this is crazy_

 _But here's my number_

 _So call me maybe_

After just a few paces the song sped up to double time, so poor Kitty matched her pace to the record, practically sprinting down the runway. When she got to the royal dais and saw everyone laughing at her she burst into tears and ran back towards the stage, nearly knocking Tariq over as he rushed forward to meet her.

Sarah looked over to see Kitty being comforted by Crystal and a distressed Tariq hovering around her. It was at that point Sarah saw red, bright red. She looked over towards Susan.

"Don't go out there, Princess, he'll tear you apart," Susan warned. Tariq looked up, horrified. The last thing he wanted was Sarah to be dead set against the King, but she had to go out there or she would forfeit the challenge.

"I'd like to see him fucking try!" Sarah snarled and headed towards the stage entrance. Couric said to distract him, to _tempt_. "I'll show that sanctimonious sprite who he's messing with!"

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Sarah stood in the stage wings. The roaring noise from the audience would under normal circumstances have made her feel ill. But rage burned through her and manifested as a cold determination. Her soundtrack kicked in, the explosive beginnings of Garbage's _Supervixen,_ and Sarah walked out on that stage determined to take back control.

 _Make a whole new religion_

 _A falling star that you cannot live without_

 _And I'll feed your obsession_

 _There'll be nothing but this thing that you'll never doubt_

It was a truncated version of the song, with very few quiet moments, and Sarah took advantage. She didn't bother with the side runways. She headed straight up the centre, her eyes fixed on the Goblin King. The scarves from her skirt flew around and behind her as she strode, showing a small glimpse of calf and thigh as she pushed forward.

The room was spellbound. There was no laughing or booing or jeering. If Sarah had bothered to take her eyes from Jareth, she would have noted the slack-jawed stares from the Underground Court. But at that point in time she only had one goal: to make Jareth _see_ her for what she had become, and not as some complaining, bratty teenager.

 _A hit is hard to resist_

 _And I never miss_

 _I can take you out_

 _With just a flick of my wrist_

To say she had Jareth's attention was an understatement. Every word Shirley Manson sang drilled into his brain until he was convinced it was a direct message from Sarah. He couldn't take his eyes from the vision approaching him and found himself gripping the arms of his chair in _submission? fear … lust?_ Oh, there was definitely lust, his entire body was flooded with a fierce possessiveness as he took in the dragon-hide corset and her faux fae markings. This was without doubt a Goblin Queen.

Sarah came to the end of the central runway and raised her chin, eyes flashing daggers at Jareth, who returned her gaze without flinching, refusing to be emasculated by her display. Sarah noted the tension in his body and felt something invisible attempting to oppress her, but she pushed back the feeling and pointed at him.

 _I will be your religion_

 _This thing you'll never doubt_

 _You're not the only one_

Jareth's gaze was piercing and unrelenting. The energy rolling from him was feral and barely restrained. It promised a reckoning and demanded subjugation. Sarah was suddenly overwhelmed by images of them together; naked, intense heat, sweat, saliva, teeth, nails, lips, hands, hunger. She was shaken by the wave of desire that hit her. Jareth smiled in triumph as he caught Sarah's reaction to his thoughts. Then Sarah's body started to tremble, repelling Jareth's attempt to magically dominate her and compelling him to retreat. It pinned him physically to his chair, pushing his head back. Sarah's lip curled in a snarl but her eyes remained cold, and she turned her back on the Goblin King and strode down the runway towards the stage.

 _Bow down to me, bow down to me_

 _Bow down to me, bow down to me_

 _Bow down to me, bow down to me_

 _Bow down to me._

As she passed each member of the audience, they dropped into varying forms of submission, whether bows, curtseys or lowered gazes. Sarah Williams, the inventor of such articulate catchphrases as 'That's Not Fair,' had just pussy whipped the entire Underground Court.

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On returning backstage, Sarah looked into the faces of the other Goblinerettes and stopped short at their expressions. Each one of them stared at her in a mixture of awe, disbelief and in some cases, intense jealousy.

 _Oh!_ Sarah thought _No high fives, or "go there, Champion!" for me then…_

"Shit, Princess, are you OK?" Susan asked, eyes popping out of their sockets.

"I'm fine, great actually," Sarah responded. "What's with the faces, guys?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" screeched Chun. "What the fuck was that out there?"

"What are you talking about?" Sarah said, getting annoyed with the attitude being aimed at her and switching to a defensive stance.

"Champion, you basically dominatrixed an entire room of people, in particular the Goblin King. Who you have so loudly been putting down to anyone who would listen!" Rhiannon jumped in, her hand holding a cold compress to the back of her head.

"That's right girl, playing it sneaky. At least I come out and say what I want, but man ain't you two-faced!" Shante challenged, pointing a finger at Sarah.

Sarah began to sputter in indignation but Crystal stepped forward, her arm still wrapped round a weeping Kitty. "Time out everyone, we are all strung out after what's just happened. It doesn't make any sense turning on one another. Let's just sleep on it and talk it through tomorrow, we are all feeling on edge right now and need to take a step back."

"Miss Hudson is right," declared Tariq, who had very carefully stepped into the fray, although he had an exit route planned. "I insist we all head back to our rooms and get a good night's sleep. His Majesty will make his decision regarding this challenge and announce it tomorrow morning. Please be in the Common Room for 11 o'clock, breakfast will be served in your suites to give you additional rest following the fatigues of the last two days."

Amidst much grumbling the girls started to head out towards their own suites. Tariq approached Kitty and assisted Crystal with getting her back to their room.

Sarah was still smarting from the verbal attack she had just been subjected to. Susan headed over and leaned on the wall next to Sarah, gently nudging Sarah's shoulder with her own. "What's up!"

"Hey, girlfriend, I think I just witnessed the death of feminism," Sarah mumbled, feeling suddenly drained after the adrenalin injection and power rush from moments before.

"Nah, all this girl power stuff is bullshit anyway. They'd tear each other's hair out if another bitch so much as looked at their man. They're human beings, not fucking angels!"

Sarah snorted and then started laughing. "Susan, did anyone ever tell you you're one in a million?"

"Hon, I am da bomb, and if you can't see passed my crazy couture and serviceable underwear then you are a fucking idiot, and I already told you I hate stupid people!"

Sarah smiled.

"You coming?" Susan called as she headed out after the others.

"Oh shit, I need help, as in magical help, to get out of this corset. I will try and find one of the seamstresses and meet you back in the room, okay?"

"Sure thing, Mrs King!" Susan smirked, then ducked when Sarah threw a hairbrush at her.

"Piss off you GoGo's wannabe!" Sarah called after her. Susan's laughter echoed down the corridor.

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After ten minutes trying to locate a goblin seamstress and with no Tariq to be found, Sarah decided to head back to her room. She could always 'ring' for assistance using the little bell in her suite.

On reaching the second-floor corridor, Sarah was half way down it before she realised she had taken a wrong turn. "Get with the programme, Williams," she muttered to herself and paused to lean against the wall and adjust the strap to one of her platform heels. It was then she heard the footsteps approaching from behind. Sarah glanced over her shoulder and found her gaze arrested by a very determined looking Goblin King. She immediately had a flash back to the peach-induced dream. The intensity in his expression when he bore down on her during that hallucination was magnified tenfold as he approached her in the corridor.

 _Run Run Run Run Run Run_ her instincts screamed. But like a deer facing oncoming headlights, she froze. Her mouth hung open in a 'rather attractive' impersonation of a goldfish, just like her fifteen-year-old self at the masquerade.

Jareth reached his quarry. It had been torture waiting for an opportunity to get her on her own.

Sarah slammed backwards into the wall as Jareth caged her in with both arms, bringing his face directly in line with her own and breathing deeply of her scent. His eyes closed and his entire body tensed, but did not touch her. Sarah didn't move a muscle. If she moved she knew he would strike and she was absolutely terrified. Turned on, but terrified all the same.

His nostrils flared as he sensed her fear but also the underlying aroma of desire, faint but growing stronger with each breath he took. He opened his eyes and trembled when he saw the look on her face. _Mine,_ he thought.

At that moment, Sarah's mouth went dry and she slowly licked her parched lips. _No sudden movements_ , she wasn't stupid… then again.

Jareth's gaze flew to her mouth and his eyes grew even darker. Just when she thought she had pushed him too far, they were both distracted by numerous footfalls and chattering as a number of people headed their way. Jareth's head whipped round at the disturbance and his fists clenched. He gazed back to the mouth-watering spectacle that was his Champion, his eyes flickered over her form briefly. He then leaned forward and whispered in her ear, "Challenge accepted."

He pushed off from the wall and carried on down the corridor, just as an audio boomstick appeared at the far end, followed by the film crew.

Sarah leaned back against the nearest doorway, hoping that she was hidden by the shadows. It was then that the door behind her opened and she fell backwards into an unknown bedroom.

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 _AN:_ Finally, at a competition challenge – it only took eleven blasted chapters! I hope it was worth the wait, many more shenanigans to follow.

Please review, I am a responsible (ahem) individual so feedback keeps me focused! Anyone interested in seeing what Sarah's hair looks like, go to google and type in Jennifer Connelly Profile.

If you do find any typos or consistency clangers, please PM me.

 **References:**

 _Prince Charming_ performed by Adam and the Ants, written by Adam Ant and Marco Pirroni (1981)

 _Baby Got Back_ performed by Sir Mix-a-Lot written by Anthony Ray (1992)

 _Call Me Maybe_ performed by Carly Rae Jepsen written by Carly Rae Jepsen, Josh Ramsay, Tavish Crowe (2012)

 _Supervixen_ performed and written by Garbage (1996)

 **Recommendations:**

Reaping Day by Whack-the-beetle – a very different take on the character of Sarah and fantastically dark-humoured. It had me at the synopsis 'Romance if you squint'! Brilliant!

Sleeping Beauty by Redwood Manning – Now complete – worth it alone for the depiction of Hoggle as a Fairy Godmother!

Anything by Ellen Weaver, and I mean anything – it's a crime to be able to read her work for free as it is worth its weight in gold. Beautifully researched and executed, I dare you to feel nothing at all after reading one of her stories!


	12. Chapter 12 - How to tempt a Goblin King

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Chibi Tiger – nice review thanks, however, google what Shante says at your own peril!

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

Huge shout out to Whenasinsilks, my fantastic beta and wonderful storyteller.

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 _Sarah leaned back against the nearest doorway, hoping that she was hidden by the shadows. It was then that the door behind her opened and she fell backwards into an unknown bedroom._

Sarah landed with an "Oomph!"

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" quipped a silky male voice.

The owner of the voice came into view, albeit from an upside-down perspective as Sarah was still sprawled on the floor. On recognising the face, she let out a frustrated groan. A pair of startling green eyes twinkled down at her, set in a beautifully defined face and framed with a halo of wispy blond hair. "Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more," Sarah sighed sarcastically.

Couric smiled warmly and offered her a hand in assistance. The noise from the approaching film crew was all the encouragement Sarah needed to accept the offer and haul herself up and into the room, just as Couric closed the door on the pack of entertainment blood hounds.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of the Champion at my door?" Couric asked, eyeing her attire with warm appreciation.

"Down boy! I got lost heading back to my room and then was set upon by Jareth," Sarah explained.

"Set upon?" Couric asked, more than surprised. "By Jareth?"

"Yeeesss! Stalked, hunted, pursued, jumped basically! If it wasn't for the film crew appearing I'd hate to think what could've happened," Sarah snapped, rubbing her hands up and down her arms in reassurance. "And it's all your bloody fault!"

"My fault? How on earth is it my fault-"

" _Tempt_ , you said. _Play the game_ , you said! I knew I shouldn't listen to a bloody fae. I'm lucky he didn't eat me alive back there!" she said, her voice rising to shrieking level.

"Calm down Sarah, you must be exaggerating," Couric said in a placating tone.

"You didn't see—,"

"I was there Sarah. Fantastic outfit by the way, I was impressed," he continued, holding his hand up when she took in a breath to start ranting again. "However, I doubt very much he would have attacked you. To do so would have landed him in enormous trouble. But that aside, he wouldn't lay a finger on you without your permission, that would be…rude."

"What bollocks!" Sarah snorted.

"Did he touch you?" Couric asked.

Sarah paused at his question. Jareth hadn't actually touched her; he'd frightened her plenty, he'd crowded her against the door, but he hadn't put a hand on her.

"I guess not, but he physically intimidated me."

"What do you expect? You challenged him in front of his entire Court and then turned tail and marched off! To be honest, I'm surprised he waited til the end of the evening to pursue you," Couric answered, walking over to the fireplace to lean his elbow against it and pick up his previously discarded drink.

"I challenged him? No wonder he said 'challenge accepted' before he ran off," Sarah said, then seeing the smirk appearing on Couric's face she started to fill with dread. This was bad, very bad. If Couric was finding this amusing, then that means he's either winning a bet or Jareth's comment is something that shouldn't be brushed off. Sarah's anxiety began to rise. "Hold on, what exactly have I challenged him to?"

"I think you will be finding out soon enough," Couric's smile grew wider, then suddenly his expression changed to one of panic. "Speaking of which, we must get you out of here. If Jareth finds out that you are in here with me, unchaperoned, there is going to be hell to pay."

"Oh, stop being so dramatic," Sarah rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest. "I need answers, Couric. A powerful magical being has just made me the focus of his attention, and seeing as though it's your 'well intentioned' advice that's led me to this position, perhaps you could enlighten me as to what the fuck that actually entails?"

Couric hurriedly shooed her towards the door. "Sarah, see things from my perspective. You, he may not lay an unsolicited finger on. I, on the other hand, he will obliterate without blinking, and I don't have the benefit of a dragon-hide corset to protect me!" Couric opened the door and peeked his head out to check if the coast was clear. "We will talk tomorrow during our 'punishment', but you must go now. Unlike Jareth, I'm not planning to throw in the towel on my bachelorhood for matrimony, and I want to enjoy the benefits. Which will not be physically possible if word gets back to him that you were in my rooms!"

Sarah found herself in the corridor with the door slammed behind her before she could turn around. "You could've directed me back to my room first! Dickhead," Sarah muttered under her breath and stalked back to the main staircase, listening out carefully for packs of marauding film crews and randy goblin kings.

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"Finally!" exclaimed Susan, as Sarah walked back into their suite and headed to the fireplace, ringing the servant bell. "You've been gone ages, and you're still in your dress."

"No shit, Sherlock!" Sarah grumped.

"You called, Miss?" said a tiny goblin from the doorway, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

"Um, yes, can you please find me a seamstress to help me out of this dragon-hide thingy?" Sarah asked.

As soon as the goblin disappeared to carry out the errand, Sarah turned back to Susan and her shoulders slumped.

"That bad, huh?" Susan laughed. "OK Princess, what happened?"

Sarah filled Susan in on the exchange with Jareth during and after the fashion show, and her conversation with Couric, but leaving out the detail of her libido's response to the former.

"Wow!" Susan said before bursting out laughing.

"I don't see what's so funny about all this," Sarah whined. "Sure, I wanted to set him straight with a little power play, but I didn't think he would stalk me through the castle corridors like some deranged Count Dracula!"

"Well, what did you expect?" Susan raised her eyebrows at Sarah. "The Goblin King is a narcissist and you storm up to him, dressed up as his female mirror image, of course he is going to want to fuck you seven ways from Sunday! It's the closest he'll get to sex with himself."

Sarah snorted at the image, not sure whether to laugh or be horrified. "I can't believe I listened to Couric. He was the one who suggested I offset him, to try and gain back some control."

"Offset him? Princess, you set him off!" Susan said whilst getting up. "Look, it's really late. Sleep on it and we can come up with a plan once we see how the eliminations go."

"Oh god, I can't believe I forgot about that," Sarah said. "Do you think the dress went down well, or have I just guaranteed myself an early reprieve and ticket home?"

"Well you sure got his attention!" Susan scoffed, laughing as she disappeared into her own bedroom.

"That's not the first time I've heard that, and that episode involved fast moving pointy projectiles!" Sarah called back before responding to a knock at the door. Sarah bid the seamstresses enter, submitting to their ministrations whilst she desperately tried to come up with a plan on how to face Jareth and the Goblinerettes come the morning.

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As it happened, Sarah did not have to wait long before dealing with one of those confrontations, although it was not how she expected. Not being able to sleep, she found herself on the balcony taking in the balmy night air. It was strange to be surrounded by silence after the noise and drama of the last few days. It felt like she was the only person awake in the entire Underground, and she wondered if the Goblin King ever managed to experience this silence and solitude, and escape from the mayhem of running this farcical fairyland.

She took a deep breath of the peach blossomed scented air and then felt a whisper of breeze next to her cheek, as a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind.

"I loved the dress," he whispered into her hair.

Sarah relaxed into the embrace and gazed out across the view of the orchard, slightly puzzled as to why she was not fighting him off, but not seeming to care too much either. She felt languid, calm.

"You should. It was a nightmare to take off," she commented wryly.

"It was very effective, displaying yourself so temptingly in my armour. However, the irony of it also doubling as a chastity belt was not lost on me. You are a contradiction Sarah. You inspire such… conflicting responses in me," he murmured as his hand brushed her side lightly.

"You are a fine one to talk of contradictions, Goblin King. You pretend to be all light-hearted and charming with us girls, and the next minute you are humiliating us in front of the entire Underground. Great way to set yourself up as a catch!"

"There are always reasons for what I do, precious," Jareth said, nuzzling behind her ear and breathing deeply. Noticing the subtle fragrance of jasmine and vanilla.

"If your reasons include being a complete jerk, then I guess we can say your objective was achieved. You didn't have to take it that far. Kitty was devastated, she's just a kid, Jareth!"

"I seem to remember you were younger than that when you took on my Labyrinth, and I didn't see you cry once," Jareth murmured, his fingers continuing to stroke her slowly as he pulled her tighter against him.

Sarah resisted the move and turned to face him.

"Well, guess what, I don't like the way you play. I didn't care for it then and I'm certainly not impressed now. I may have gotten your attention Goblin King, but if you want any chance of getting mine, you need to drop the avenging spoiled brat act. I've no interest in becoming the consort to a petulant bully." She stepped out of his embrace and went to move passed him.

Jareth's eyes widened at her retort but he didn't give any other acknowledgement. "Until tomorrow, My Champion."

Sarah suddenly sat up in her bed and looked around the room. The balcony door was closed and there was no sign of Jareth.

" _Argh, it had to be a fucking dream!"_ Sarah groaned, feeling disappointed as she felt she had won that round. Realising that she had better make a note of her witty put-downs so she could use them tomorrow, she started scrabbling around to find some paper but only succeeding in crashing out of bed and taking the bedside lamp with her. It really was not her day.

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"Ladies, thank you for joining me this morning," Jareth announced to the girls who were all standing in the entrance hall, strategically placed in two rows on the stairs. Personally, he thought it was a ridiculous place to hold the eliminations, but the Director was adamant that the vaulted ceiling and staircase provided for the most 'dramatic exit'.

The atmosphere was a mixed one. Some of the girls were still outraged at the antics that took place and cross on Kitty's behalf, who looked like she spent most of the night weeping. Others were bouncing on their heels with excitement. Sarah was feeling a mixture of these emotions. Add to that the turmoil following the previous night's confrontation with Jareth in the corridor, she was beginning to wish that she was the one going home.

"I have taken the night to reflect on yesterday's competition, and on the whole," he paused to throw a glare at Susan, "I was impressed with the care and effort that you put into your designs." Susan smirked at the Goblin King and gave him a little wave.

"That being said, you were not just being assessed on your gown's design but also on your exhibition of them to the Court. On this point, the results were varied." Jareth's face turned serious and he began to pace. This was interrupted by a discreet cough from the Director and a whispered urge to "Please stay on your mark, Your Majesty."

Jareth tensed in frustration but relented and took up his original position.

"When I call out your name, I would like you to come and stand over by Tariq," Jareth announced. "Chun, Rhiannon, Jamie and Darla."

Not knowing what this meant the girls headed over to Tariq, sharing concerned glances.

"Congratulations, you are through to the next round of the competitions."

Jareth flashed a devastating smile at the ladies as they burst into squeals of excitement. Once they all calmed down he turned to face the rest of his Labyrinth Winners.

"Susan, Sabine and Katherine, would you please step forward."

"The position of Goblin Queen is not an easy one. You will be expected to face all manner of situations and be subjected to the opinions of other Royal households. The Queen must face all encounters, whether or not they are pleasant, with bravery and dignity and be a master at political diplomacy. Appearances are everything and if the Queen is perceived as weak, then so is the Kingdom." Jareth stared directly at each of the three contestants, his tone implying he was not messing about. Sarah recognised this was Jareth the 'ruler' speaking. He was probably being the most honest she had ever seen him.

"Susan, although everyone appeared to enjoy your performance, the dress was absolutely awful. The Queen must show unity with her King and not try to undermine or embarrass him in public in any way. You will need to re-evaluate your strategies if you want to remain in the competitions and enjoy the benefits that it includes," Jareth said. The hidden message was very clear to Susan and Sarah: Toe the line or say goodbye to your brother. Jareth then turned to face Sabine.

"Ah Sabine, my French flower. Unfortunately, I cannot comment too much on your attire as you were not on the runway long enough for me to assess it. For shame, you let your nerves get to you. A Queen is a public figure and needs to be able to rise to the occasion. You will need to manage your fear if you want to stay in the competitions."

Jareth finally turned towards Kitty. "Katherine, your enthusiasm and effort has been greatly appreciated. Your gown was exceptionally pretty. However, a Queen must never show weak emotions to the Court. Displays of distress will make her an easy target and there are some who will take advantage of it. If you truly aspire to become Queen, you need to develop a 'thicker skin' as I believe the saying goes."

Jareth paused and his eyes briefly flicked over to Sarah. It was so quick no one else took note, but in that moment Sarah got the message.

" _There are reasons for everything I do, precious."_

This was a test to see who would crack under pressure. He needed to filter out the weaker candidates for Queen at the earliest opportunity, and humiliating them and seeing how they responded was the perfect way to do so. " _That conniving, devious… oh alright_ , _clever bastard,"_ Sarah thought.

"It is for that reason that I have decided-"

"Cut— Ahem," the Director coughed again and Jareth froze mid speech and hissed.

"Really? Can I not just announce-"

"Please your Majesty, the format if you please," the Director begged, knowing he was taking his life into his own hands by interrupting the King.

"For the love of," Jareth huffed. "OK, are we ready to go?"

"Go!" the Director called.

"Taking all these things into account, the person who will be eliminated from the competitions is…." Jareth paused for the required ten seconds, his foot tapping in impatience, knowing a dramatic soundtrack would replace the uncomfortable silence.

"Katherine."

Kitty burst into tears and the other girls rushed forward to console her and give her a hug goodbye. Sarah stood in place, her eyes locked on Jareth. He spared her a brief glance but turned his attention back to Kitty and summoned her forward. He placed a chaste kiss on her cheek and whispered something in her ear before Tariq led her up the staircase to retrieve her things. Jareth then turned to Susan and Sabine.

"Mark my words well, lest you find yourself in this position again," Jareth said and motioned them to join the other girls in the entrance hall. "Ah, and that leaves you three." Jareth smiled warmly at Sarah, Shante and Crystal.

"I must say your handling of the situation last night ranged from the comical to the victorious. Very well done all of you. Crystal, your interpretation of the situation and decision to take control and play along with the mischief, proved you have the strategic abilities to be able to handle the Underground Court. And your gown was very fetching." Jareth grinned and Crystal flushed with pleasure.

Having a camera lens trained on her made it difficult for Sarah to respond naturally to Susan's fake vomiting sounds behind her.

"Shante, your wardrobe was a little on the light side. However, you provided enormous entertainment and will be popular with the more liberal visitors to the Goblin Kingdom. Congratulations on providing a wonderful show." Jareth winked at the man-eater, who bared a flashing smile to the camera and then to Jareth.

"And you, Sarah, the epitome of a true warrior queen. Where did you come up with idea for dragon hide?" Jareth asked.

"From the portrait over the main staircase." Sarah gestured to the picture at the top of the stairs behind her. "I'll NEVER forget how intimidating you looked the night you _kidnapped_ my brother, a feeling I now attribute to your impressive wardrobe, Your Majesty." Sarah inclined her head, but her eyes were tight and her teeth were clenched.

Jareth let the digs slide and his lips twitched slightly. "Very well done, Champion. So," he turned his attention to the other two finalists. "Who shall be crowned winner of this competition?" Jareth placed his fingers to his lips and wore a faux thoughtful expression. His lips turned upwards and a beautiful mischievous smile spread across his features.

"The winner of the Gown the Crown competition has achieved this title not only for her outstanding design, which complemented the Goblin Guard and my own tastes, thus clearly identifying herself as Consort to the Goblin King. She also manipulated the room into recognising her declared position and subjugated them accordingly. For this challenge, there was only one Champion, so please step forward…" Again everyone waited for the required ten seconds, "Sarah Williams," Jareth announced.

Tariq, who had just returned from escorting Kitty, began clapping in earnest, encouraging the other girls to join in. Sarah was frozen in place. It took a nudge from Crystal to get her moving towards Jareth.

" _What do I do now? Do I curtsey, give a speech, what, why is he looking at me like that? Fuck, fuck, fuck!"_ Sarah began to panic as she approached him. Jareth smirked at his Champion and reached out both hands to her. She tentatively took them and he gently pulled her towards him, kissing both of her cheeks and whispering in her ear, "I believe you owe me a date Sarah Williams."

Sarah swallowed and began to think of an excuse to get out of sharing an intimate evening with Jareth, but so far was drawing a blank.  
"However," he continued "I believe there is a matter of punishment to be dealt with first." He pulled back and looked into her eyes. "My study, ten minutes."

With that last ominous command, he vanished in a cloud of glitter, which covered the now coughing film crew and their precious equipment.

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Sarah accepted congratulations from Tariq and tried to ignore some of the dirty looks that were thrown her way by the other Goblinerettes.

"OK ladies, time to head off to the diary room to share with the crew your experiences so far," Tariq announced.

"Where's Kitty? I would like to say goodbye," Crystal asked.

"I am afraid Katherine has already had her memories altered and is back home," Tariq answered.

Crystal moved towards him and touched his arm. "Thank you for helping me look after her yesterday. It was a kindness, considering that she wouldn't have remembered after today anyway."

"Ah, my pleasure, Miss Hudson. Please be aware that I did not know who His Majesty would eliminate. However, this was a wise decision. Katherine was far too tender hearted to survive the Underground Court. I have been here years and I still find it to be ruthless," he tittered, flushed by the attention. Crystal gave his arm a squeeze and flashed him a smile before moving off towards the diary room.

Susan watched the exchange with a raised eyebrow and motioned to Sarah. "You want to watch that one, she's your closest competition here."

"Why, has Jareth started stalking her too?" Sarah asked in amusement.

"No, but she makes friends and is smart. If you're serious about wanting to win this thing and make the changes to the summons, you need to figure out a plan," Susan said.

"OK, right. I have to meet with His Majesty now to sort out this punishment rubbish, but I'll then have some time with Hoggle and Couric and maybe they can help. My biggest problem is getting all this mess straightened out, without getting lumbered with Jareth for eternity."

"Don't get too attached to him, Princess, cause if he takes my brother back I'm going to fucking kill him," Susan said.

"Don't worry, if he takes your brother again I will help you dig the grave." She smiled and hurried to discover her punishment.

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Thirty minutes later found Sarah, Couric, Hoggle and Sir Didymus picking marsh grass from the edges of the Bog of Eternal Stench.

"Oh Gods," grumbled Hoggle as he tied a handkerchief over his nose. "Why are we being punished? We warned you not to drink too much!"

"Stop complaining Hoggle," Sarah coughed into her own bandana, "It could be worse, you could be swimming laps in the thing."

"Well I cannot see what all the fuss is about," declared Didymus. "I am rather enjoying this trip down memory lane."

"I have never been so…. How in THE NAME OF THE GODS can you not smell this?" shouted Couric, looking slightly pale, his pretty features scrunched in disgust.

"This is yer fault! You got her tipsy on purpose, just so you could win a bet against a gang of glittery adolescent gits," Hoggle grumbled, the smell doing terrible things for his disposition.

"Will you all please stop whinging and squabbling. The quicker we get this done, the quicker we can get out of here!" Sarah snapped. "Couric, I need to figure out how to handle Jareth now he's off his 'best behaviour' leash."

"The question is, how do you want to handle him?" Couric smirked.

"Don't get funny with me, fairy boy, I'm due to meet him for a date in a few hours and I haven't got my dragon-hide chastity belt to protect me!"

"Oh, for heaven's sake Sarah, I told you he is not going to force himself on you," Couric said.

"Force? Who said anything about force!" Hoggle said looking startled.

"Calm down Hoggle, it was a figure of speech. I have already explained to Sarah that she has nothing to fear on that count," Couric replied.

"OK, how do I deal with his unwanted attentions?" Sarah asked.

"Well how would you normally act in such a situation?" Couric asked. "You cannot tell me you have reached twenty-four years of age and never been on a date."

"Sure, but not one where the other person is trying to devour me instead of the meal. You didn't see the images he thrust into my mind during the show. I know exactly what he wants to do to me and I don't think kicking him in the knackers is going to be the best way to handle the situation!" Sarah huffed in irritation.

"Look, of course he is going to try to seduce you, or at the least charm you. But you have the advantage here. He is many things but remember Sarah he is fae, not human. Until you give him permission, or make a move first, he will not be able to indulge in your physical charms. Fae can only take what is freely given," Couric said. "Will that now put your mind at ease?"

"I guess, but I don't want to lead him on or give him the impression that I want to jump him just because I won the competition. He made me run a maze to get my brother back, I have some pride!" Sarah said.

"Indeed, a wonderful trait to have when in the right position. You told me you wanted to win the contest. So far you are doing an excellent job Miss 'Gown the Crown'. But you need to start thinking about what you are going to do when you win, how you plan on getting the summons changed without going through a marriage ceremony. Also, don't underestimate the other contestants. You may have his attention but if you start kicking him in the knackers, he could very well turn said attention elsewhere, just to annoy you. My advice would be to keep him interested; don't give in to him, but don't act like a sulky teenager either. You handled the fashion show beautifully, Sarah, a little more of that behaviour is the best way forward."

"But I wasn't trying to tempt or play him as such, I was bloody angry at how he treated Kitty. I wanted to show him that we were not to be made fools of," Sarah said, exasperated.

"And so you did. Keep acting like you are his equal, then you won't be intimidated by him," Couric responded, frowning as he noticed something wiggling on his handful of marsh grass.

"I hate it when you sound right," Sarah exclaimed, as she pulled up another handful of bog marsh and put it into her basket.

"Y'ever thought of starting up yer own life coaching business, Couric?" Hoggle asked.

"Fuck off, Dwarf!" Couric snapped, as Sarah and Didymus burst out laughing.

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Sarah hurried into the sitting area she shared with Susan, hastily fastening a pearl drop chandelier earring.

"So, how do I look?" Sarah asked Susan who was lounging on a couch, flipping through a novel about a handsome pirate who falls in love with and ravishes a suicidally naive heroine.

"Nice, really nice actually. I didn't know we were going to be putting effort into this date. I thought you wanted to cool his ardour?" Susan asked.

"Not quite. It doesn't look slutty, does it?" Sarah asked, looking down at her floor length black sleeveless dress which revealed a deep V neck in front and back. Her hair was gathered behind her left ear in a low ponytail, the length laying sleekly over her left breast.

"No, you look classy, sophisticated, that kind of thing," Susan answered. "So, what's the plan now, did the other blond bimbo give you any decent advice?"

Sarah laughed, "Just to keep doing what I'm doing and not worry about Jareth going all caveman on me. Apparently, he can get as worked up as he likes, but without my permission, he can't do a damn thing about it!" Sarah smiled.

"Oh, so we are going with the prick tease approach. Good job, just be careful catching that tiger by the tail, he didn't get to his position in life by playing fair, Princess," Susan replied.

"Okay, noted. Well here goes nothing," Sarah said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear and heading towards the door.

"Don't wait up!" Sarah called.

"Not a problem, I'm going to be asleep in ten minutes if I read any more of this crap!" Susan muttered.

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 _AN:_ Okay I know this took an age to write and post, please don't kill me. Normal service will resume from now on.

Shout out to all my regular reviewers, please let me know if this is still working for you, and how you feel about the pace etc. (not of my posting, but the exposition!)

Lurkers (is it just me or does that sound smutty) – Apparently, I have a few of you judging by the story stats. Would love to hear your thoughts on this fic, so if you do not feel comfortable reviewing I would love to hear from you via PM.

 **References:**

'Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more' – a one liner taken from a Blackadder episode that to me, summed up Sarah's level of sarcasm in that particular incident.

 **Recommendations:**

I have been a very naughty individual and have been reading Potter fanfiction over Christmas, so will not recommend that here. However, I have to say, there are some young writers out there writing 'serious' content, which they are not technically old enough to read (if you judge it by the T&Cs of this site). I was quite shocked, but bloody impressed!

That said, check out the new one by KBates – Devoured. It's creepy, spooky and smutty, just how we like it : )


	13. Chapter 13 - Dwarf Tossing

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

Ok, this is a long one and is all J&S. I realised that these two have not had much alone time during this fic and I have sought to rectify the matter, enjoy. Oh, and things are heating up, you have been notified.

Huge shout out to the wonderful KBates, who has very kindly provided beta service for this chapter. I would call her the Queen of Smut, however knowing how dodgy labels can be, especially on this site, I will merely say she has experience in writing a steamy scene. So, if that is your thing, do check out her work, hell check it out anyway, it's perfection.

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Sarah arrived outside Jareth's private rooms and knocked tentatively after smoothing down her dress and checking that her hair sat right.

The door swung open on its own and she took a hesitant step into the room, calling out a "Hello?" The last thing she wanted to do was to walk in on Jareth in the buff. Then again, it would answer the 'big' question the Goblinerettes always seemed to be discussing.

"Ah, Sarah," Jareth called as he strode under an archway from another room to join her. "And looking very beautiful, although maybe slightly overdressed."

Sarah just stood there gaping. He was wearing a leather tunic in a dark burgundy, almost black, over a white shirt and black leather bottoms that looked almost painted on. His boots were the norm, but the heel was not as pronounced and his hair was pulled back. It was so casual that he looked like a cross between a Renaissance era stable boy and a rock star version of Legolas.

"Um, hi," Sarah mumbled and grew uncomfortably embarrassed as Jareth's grin broadened upon seeing her reaction. "What's wrong with my dress? I wasn't sure what we were doing."

"It has been a tense few days and I thought we deserved a little fun," Jareth said.

"Fun, I'm up for fun. But I thought we were having dinner or something?"

"Nothing so boring Sarah. There will be food, but I am taking you clubbing!" Jareth announced.

"Clubbing, you mean dancing? Or does it literally mean clubbing, as in troll bashing or terrorising peasants?" Sarah questioned, not taking anything for granted in this place.

"I do indeed mean dancing. We are going to a neighbouring Kingdom to a popular little haunt that is throwing a post Beltane bash. The non-traditional kind I might add. So, if you allow me, can I make a few alterations to your very fetching outfit?"

Sarah paused at the thought of letting Jareth anywhere near her clothing after the debacle at the fashion show. But she was keen to get out of the castle and blow off some steam and heaven forbid, enjoy herself.

"Okay Goblin King, but keep the important bits covered, and no sabotaging my clothing. If I see one button out of place or any other sign of a wardrobe malfunction during the evening, I will make the next four weeks of our acquaintance a living hell!"

"So dramatic darling, but I concede, no funny business with the clothing." Jareth twisted his hand and a crystal appeared. He went to throw it, but at her wince he laughed and gently blew it towards her. On contact with her chest the crystal popped and she was surrounded by the irritatingly familiar glitter. When the sparkly cloud settled, she found herself in new attire.

Sarah rushed over to the full-length mirror by the doorway and she smiled at what she saw. He had left her make-up and hair alone but swapped the jewellery for a chunkier silver look. She was still dressed in black but the length of the skirt had altered significantly, touching mid-thigh. Although the dress was sleeveless, it had a beautiful matching jacket that gathered at the back and flared in a slight tail that rested on the curve of her bottom. It was reminiscent of a mini frock coat, yet nothing like she had seen Aboveground. Her favourite item was the pair of boots, bright purple with a clear heel that was nearly four inches in height, but positioned in such a way that supported the arch of her foot comfortably. She could definitely dance in those.

"I must say Goblin King, not-withstanding those ghastly gold lamé trousers, you do have an eye for fashion."

"I take it you approve," Jareth appeared behind her and gazed at her reflection with a satisfied smirk.

"Are you kidding? Let's go hit that party!"

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Jareth and Sarah apparated just outside the club, which was in the neighbouring Elf Kingdom. Jareth nodded to the two mountain trolls stationed outside the door, and led his Champion inside to the waiting hostess.

"Your Majesty, so lovely of you to join us at the 'Pleasure Meadow' this evening. Going incognito I see, and you have brought a friend!" The beautiful elven woman, who looked like she was wearing something that a Playboy Bunny would have worn in the eighties, gave a sly smile to Jareth before beckoning that they follow her.

"Thank you Elise. I am indeed on an informal visit, so no 'special' treatment tonight. Just a nice booth and some privacy for me and my guest. May I present Sarah Williams?"

"Hi," Sarah waved, a bit unsure as to how she should address an elven club owner.

"Oh, I know who she is, killer dress Labyrinth Champion. I bet you had a great time figuring out how to get that thing off, Your Majesty!" Elise quipped "I am surprised you are both walking today!"

"WHAT?!" Sarah gasped, stopping in her tracks.

"Relax precious," Jareth whispered in her ear as he gently guided her forward with his hand hovering near her lower back. "Elves are not renowned for their tact, and she was paying you a compliment."

"Does everyone in the Underground think we had sex after the fashion show?" Sarah hissed at him.

"Hopefully, I have a reputation to uphold remember," Jareth responded giving her a vulpine grin.

Sarah rolled her eyes and groaned. Looking on the bright side, at least this wouldn't get back to her parents!

Elise led them to an enormous area that housed a very large circular dancefloor, this was surrounded by booths that went up in tiers in an amphitheatre effect. It was a spectacular layout, no matter where you sat, you could get a view of the action. The acoustics were channelled so you could feel the throbbing music, but also hear yourself speak.

"Usual table?" Elise asked.

"But of course." Jareth smiled and continued to guide Sarah after Elise, taking her to the third tier of booths and shooing her in to the intimate seating area. The smooth cushions were dark emerald, flecked with silver, but felt as soft as candyfloss. Sarah enjoyed the feeling as her legs dragged across the seating. Once settled, she leaned forward to take in the atmosphere.

The dancefloor wasn't packed, but more than half the booths were filled, and there were still people entering the amphitheatre.

"Drink, Sarah?" Jareth offered from a bottle of bright gold liquid that a scantily clad waitress had just bought over.

"What is it?" she asked, biting her lower lip and assessing how potent it looked.

"Elven wine, one of the finest. Would you care to try?" Jareth prompted.

"Okay Goblin King, although you may need to have some more of that hangover cure ready tomorrow. I don't have a great track record with Underground alcohol."

"Tut, tut _Champion_ , what is it with the titles? Tonight we are simply Jareth and Sarah. And as for the wine, it's not as potent as goblin ale, but about twice the strength of your average Aboveground Chardonnay. Are you feeling brave?"

"What guarantees can you give me?" she challenged, her head tilting back and giving him a smile.

"Such as?

"Will you behave yourself and get me home safely?" Sarah asked.

"Trust me Sarah, I wouldn't leave the Elven Kingdom at the mercy of the Labyrinth Champion. We have good relations, and I would rather avoid an international incident."

Sarah scoffed at Jareth's attempt at humour, but held up her glass for him to pour some of the delicious looking liquid. Taking a tentative sip, she groaned in pleasure. "This stuff is amazing!"

"It's quite something, I fear I will ruin you for your Aboveground vintages."

"Maybe I will get Hoggle to send me some home," Sarah smiled over the rim of her glass.

"Oh that won't be possible, I'm afraid. No trade deals exist with the Aboveground for elven beverages," Jareth responded, taking a healthy mouthful of the wine.

"That's a shame," Sarah sighed. It was the equivalent of test driving a formula one race car, but knowing you would be spending the rest of your life in a 3-door hatchback.

"You could always come over if you ever fancied a taste," Jareth offered.

Sarah ignored the double entendre and took another sip. "Jareth, if this stuff is as strong as you say, I really need to eat something."

"As my lady wishes."

At that moment, the waitress reappeared with a tray of what Sarah could only describe as tapas, but there was a lot of it and she didn't waste any time tucking into the food.

"Jareth!" hailed a voice from two booths down.

"Galen! I didn't know you would be here tonight, where is Couric?" Jareth enquired.

Galen approached their booth and gave Sarah a smile and nod "Champion."

Sarah, who had her mouth full, waved her fork at Galen and gave him a closed lip smile.

"Ah yes, unfortunately Couric will not be joining us this evening. He is probably still in his bathtub scrubbing himself into a tantrum," Galen said.

"Good," Jareth smirked.

"I can't believe you sent him to the bog!" Galen erupted into his trademark giggle shrieking.

"He deserved it," Jareth responded once Galen paused for breath.

"Oh come now, it wasn't his fault the whole bar was singing that Aboveground song," Galen said.

"I didn't punish him for that," Jareth spoke slowly, twirling the wine around in his glass.

"Then why did you punish him?" It was Sarah who asked.

"Because he didn't catch you," Jareth said, his eyes now focused on her.

Sarah paused, her mouthful of food became thick and heavy and it took an enormous gulp to get it down.

"Well, he is still whining like a baby about the smell and complaining of a headache. So don't be surprised if he is absent and sulking for a couple of days," Galen chortled.

"I'm sure I can bear the deprivation," Jareth murmured to Galen, his eyes still locked on Sarah's.

Identifying that he was now more than a spare part to the conversation, Galen beat a hasty retreat and left the couple to their evening. Sarah lowered her gaze first and started to push her food around her plate.

"So um, do you come here often?" She cringed at the awful line but at that moment anything was preferable to the loaded silence that had descended.

"On occasion, the drinks are good and the music is energising. Not a waltz in sight. Speaking of which, would you like to dance?"

"Ah, sure," Sarah smiled as she removed her jacket and accepted Jareth's hand. He grinned as he led her towards the now crowded dance floor.

The music was a mix between trance and industrial. If she had to guess, she would say early Nine Inch Nails. They were surrounded by all different races from the Underground, but it was primarily fae and elven patrons this evening. Jareth turned her to face him once he found a suitable space "May I?" he asked, his eyebrow raised.

She nodded her assent as Jareth put both hands on her waist and began to move her to the slow gyrations of the track. Sarah didn't realise how intimate this would feel and she blushed profusely and looked anywhere but at her partner. Aware of her discomfort, Jareth twisted his hand and produced a shot of what appeared to be a blood red liquid.

"What's that?"

"The equivalent of tequila, knock it back."

"Are you trying to get me drunk, Your Majesty?" she smirked. However, she was beginning to cringe inside. Setting out to _prick tease_ was one thing, but she was starting to use one liners that even _Cosmo_ wouldn't print.

"Jareth. And I am not trying to get you drunk, but you could do with loosening up a bit. I feel as if I'm dancing with a tree trunk!"

Sarah laughed but accepted and downed the liquid, handing back the glass which instantly disappeared. She rested her hands on Jareth's shoulders as she began to relax, feeling the beat creep through her body.

"So, let's get the 'elephant' out of the room," she began.

"Elephant?"

"Yeah, what was all that about in the corridor last night? What does 'challenge accepted' mean?"

"Oh that?" Jareth said whimsically.

"Yes that," Sarah grinned, feigning ignorance when he manoeuvred his thigh in between hers and drew her even closer.

"Well my actions were in a direct response to your provocative attire," Jareth leant forward to whisper in her ear. "And the acceptance was in response to your invitation. You pinned me to the chair, you challenged my authority, you dared me to pursue you, precious thing."

Sarah leaned back to look into his eyes and smirked at him. It wasn't that she was unaffected by his nearness, but she had to do something about his ego.

"Oh really? I thought I was straight up telling you to fuck off, and that you were not the only bitch in the room."

"Same thing," Jareth shrugged.

"And how is that an invitation to pursue or catch me?" Sarah asked exasperated.

"You implied that I couldn't, and now I find that I very much want to Sar-ah." His eyes spoke volumes, but she refused to break contact.

"Sorry, I don't scare easily and you have already tried bullying tactics before. Didn't quite get you what you wanted, did they? I still got my brother back!" she scoffed.

"Bullying tactics, Sarah? Oh, how dramatic!" He rolled his eyes.

"The cleaners?"

"The tunnels were dirty."

"The bog?"

"That was meant for Hogwash, you just fell with him."

"The great big axe swinging robot?"

"Well, you could have just answered the polite question of "Who goes there?"

"The machine gun! A fucking machine gun, Jareth, with live rounds!"

"Ah…"

"Still beat yah!" Sarah sing-songed.

"I take it you will forever harbour a grudge," Jareth sighed.

"No. On the contrary, I was really looking forward to the feast. Even to seeing you. It wasn't until the tricky crystal and the entrapment, and your threat towards Toby," she growled "…that I realised what a fool I'd been. To think that you wouldn't be a complete douche if we ever met again."

Jareth gave a bark of laughter and twisted his hand as another shot of blood tequila appeared for them both.

"Let's draw a line under the whole episode tonight and drink to being…"

"Enemies on a break?"

"Is that even a thing?" he asked.

"It can be our thing," she answered with a smile.

"I will drink to that," Jareth said and kept his eyes on her as he brought her closer to him with one arm and tossed the shot back with the other.

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Five shots later found Jareth's arm wrapped round Sarah's shoulder as they shouted and cheered on the two wrestling trolls in the centre of the dancefloor. The DJ was taking a break and the entertainments had commenced.

"Come on, Mungus!" Sarah yelled "Take that sucker down!"

Jareth laughed at his Champion's antics, she really was completely adorable when she was pissed. He found that he was having more fun in one evening than he had in the last ten years, and it was all down to the infuriating mortal that was bouncing up and down like a demented leprechaun and yelling like a sailor.

A huge cheer went up when Mungus pinned the other troll to the ground for the countdown.

"I won, I won, how much have I made now?" she asked, her face flushed.

"Are you sure you didn't live in ancient Rome in a previous life?" Jareth asked drily.

"What can I say? I'm a bit of a sports fan and love a good game. I always back the winning side, _Jareth_ , you may want to rethink accepting any of my challenges," she winked over her shoulder at him.

"I wouldn't crow too loudly Sarah, I will win the dwarf tossing!" Jareth replied smugly.

"Dwarf tossing?"

"It's coming up next."

"You can't take part in dwarf tossing!" Sarah exclaimed, horrified.

"Why not?"

"Be-Because it's unethical!"

"What in the Gods' name are you talking about?"

"Where I come from, it's unethical to toss dwarves," Sarah said, folding her arms across her chest.

He looked down at her militant stance and was tempted to kiss the pout right off her face, but he was too baffled by the nonsense she was spouting.

"I hate to tell you this Sarah, but there are no dwarves in the Aboveground. I may have to cut you off; you seem to be losing your grip on reality, woman."

"We call them little people."

"You have little people that are dwarves?"

"No, they are not dwarves, but dwarfism is a name given to little people with a certain genetic condition," Sarah responded.

"But they are not dwarves, like Higgle?" Jareth asked.

"It's Hoggle, and no, they're human."

"Well then, how are you making a comparison? They are not even the same species!"

"I don't care what species they are. You can't go round throwing dwarves across the room to see how far they will go, it's degrading for them," Sarah frowned at Jareth in frustration.

"Who said anything about throwing them across a room?"

"You said Dwarf tossing!"

"Yeesss…"

Sarah suddenly froze in horror when her mind formed an image of what else the term dwarf and tossing could involve. "Oh my god, you mean they…" Sarah sputtered.

On seeing her expression Jareth doubled over, he couldn't believe the conclusion she had drawn and was laughing so hard he couldn't even capitalise on it.

"How is it funny, that's fucking disgusting!" she cried, her hands covering her mouth.

"Prec…," Jareth wheezed, he was having trouble speaking, she was killing him. "Precious, you are priceless!"

It registered with Sarah that Jareth was laughing _at_ her, and the penny finally dropped.

"It's not about _that_ is it?" she asked rhetorically, realizing that she had just made a complete fool of herself.

Jareth just shook his head, his shoulders were still shuddering and his hands were on his knees.

"Oh, fucking snap out of it, it's not that funny!" she flared.

"Till I die Sarah," he said laughing, tears were streaming down his face, but his smile was radiant. "I will remember this moment till I die."

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As it turned out, Dwarf tossing was not what Sarah had assumed. She was relieved that she was not subjected to seeing creatures like Hoggle being thrown about the room, or doing other things that she never wanted to picture Hoggle doing. It turned out Dwarf tossing was misleadingly named. The closest she could equate it to was American football, but on a smaller scale to fit into the venue. It reminded her of the playground game British Bulldog, as there was no ball involved. Each team member had to reach the opposing team's line without being knocked over or tackled. Unsurprisingly, it had been banned from all schools in the late eighties, due to it being a heavy contact game that was played on a concrete surface.

Jareth and Sarah had pooled their winnings together and were betting on the 'Smaug Smashers' to win. However, they also had their own bet going, as to who would be the last dwarf standing.

"So, who do you think is going to win this round, Spiro or Fleck?" Jareth asked.

"I'm going with Spiro, Fleck looks like he's had too much goblin ale," Sarah remarked as she sipped on another glass of elven wine.

"But Fleck is the reigning champion and a good six inches taller," he responded. "Okay, I'll wager on that. What shall be your prize Sarah?"

"If I win, I want a night out with Susan, a girly one. She's been cooped up since we got here and I think it will help to keep her out of mischief. She needs an outlet, Jareth."

"Agreed. And for my prize, I want to take you riding," he said, seeing it as a win-win. He was getting tired of having to deal with Susan's behaviour and he was not keen on the idea of retrieving Jerome. That would not sit well with either girl and likely cause him more drama.

"Clarify riding?" she quipped.

"As in horse riding, just the two of us," he grinned seductively.

"How is that even possible? How would you explain it to the other girls? It's not like we can creep about with the camera crew everywhere," Sarah queried, ignoring the suggestive look he was giving her.

"Leave that to me. You notice I brought you somewhere tonight without their knowledge."

"I don't know, it sounds like a date," she stated, giving him a direct stare clearly stating, _you are not seducing no one here pretty boy_.

"Frightened you'll lose, Sar-ah?"

"Terrified," she said sarcastically. "Okay, deal."

Jareth turned her back to face the game, which got very heated. Sarah found herself getting over excited again, and with the help of the booze, her inhibitions flew out the window. She was gripping Jareth's arm and shouting out encouragements to Spiro.

Jareth's attention was divided between the game, which he loved, and the woman next to him which he…. Well he wasn't quite sure what he was feeling, but her grip on him was definitely distracting him. Not an easy thing to achieve when a fae had a good game to watch.

To a resounding cheer, Spiro tackled the slightly inebriated Fleck and jumped up victorious. The whole place went crazy and Sarah squealed. Turning around to Jareth and jumping into his arms, she grabbed his face and planted a swift smacker of a kiss on his lips, before jumping down and dancing in a circle. "I win, I win! Take that suckers!" she yelled at the losing team.

Jareth stood stunned, he couldn't believe what had just happened. After all his attempts to woo her, she had just given him, albeit unknowingly, the one thing he wanted. And he didn't have to make any moves to get it.

Sarah turned back to look at Jareth and paused when she saw his frozen expression.

"Hey, are you alright?" she asked.

He looked down at her and with inhuman speed he grabbed her arm. Before she could protest, she was yanked forward and Jareth plastered his mouth over hers, ravaging her lips. It took a good ten seconds before Sarah realised two things: one, the Goblin King was kissing her, and two, that, er yes, the _GOBLIN KING_ was _KISSING_ her! Sarah started to wave her arms around, looking like she was trying to take flight, but her mouth was stuck to the fae who held her.

He finally broke away, gazing down at her and Sarah noticed, for the first time that evening, that his eyes were hungry and penetrating.

"What… what, what the HELL?" she gasped. "I thought, that is, you can't do that. I didn't say you could do that!"

He tilted his head to one side but otherwise his expression remained unchanged.

"You have to have my permission to do that, Jareth!"

"Or," he whispered.

Sarah rapidly thought through what Couric had said and realisation dawned like a bucket of cold water. _"Until you give him permission, or make a move first."_

"Oh shit," she murmured, as Jareth reached forward and brought his mouth back to hers.

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He continued his assault, gentler this time, his tongue licking at her lips, trying to coax them open. Sarah was stunned but also slightly tipsy, and she found out that her hands had grabbed onto the front of his tunic by their own accord, and that her legs were wobbly enough that she could fall down any second.

Jareth moved his hands down her lower back and pulled her body towards his, trying to give her more support as she melted into his embrace. Sarah didn't have the mental capacity at that moment to do anything but feel, she was only human after all. Her mouth finally surrendered to his patient onslaught and she relaxed as he deepened the kiss without pause. Feeling his tongue stroke the inside of her mouth, coaxing hers to join his own, Sarah moaned softly.

That one, small noise made him tighten his grip and immediately brought Sarah back to the situation. She was standing in the middle of a room, surrounded by people, snogging the Goblin King as if her life depended on it! The second bucket of water hit and she stiffened in his arms.

Feeling her coming out of the mood, Jareth eased back but placed a slow brush of his lips against hers as he stepped back a pace. He kept his hold round her waist, but he watched intently for her reaction, bracing himself in case she decided to give him a right hook.

Sarah opened her eyes and looked at his mouth, blinking a couple of times before she raised her gaze to meet his.

"I need a drink," she whispered and Jareth smiled in relief before leading her back to their booth.

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A few people came over to catch up with Jareth, which allowed Sarah a few moments to regain her composure.

 _I kissed the Goblin King, I kissed the Goblin King, fuck fuck fuck, oh fuck me, he's a good kisser!_ She groaned audibly, which drew Jareth's attention. She began to cough to cover it up and helped herself to a rather large mouthful of wine. _That's it Williams, drink a bit more and put the night down to alcoholic misadventure. Hopefully this stuff will wipe my memory!_

Jareth noticed her attempts to get more intoxicated and put his hand over hers when she raised the glass to her lips again.

"Try this instead." He offered her a glass of clear liquid that gave off a puff of pink smoke.

"What is it?"

"It's a detox, you don't want to get so drunk that you do something you regret, Sarah."

 _Good fucking point._ Although part of her thought that ship had sailed, she didn't particularly want to end up going home without her underwear either. She accepted the drink with a nod and downed it in one go. Immediately, her head started to clear as she looked down at the dwarves who were still on the makeshift dwarf tossing pitch.

"What are they doing?" she asked.

"This is the closing ceremony, the humiliation of the losing team," Jareth answered.

Sarah was surprised to see the winning team of dwarves throwing rotten fruit and vegetables at the losing side, who were scrambling around to escape and slipping over in the debris. Much to the amusement of those watching, including the Goblin King. Sarah thought of Hoggle being one of those ridiculed and her stomach turned at the spectacle.

"I don't see how you can enjoy this, Jareth, it's cruel," Sarah whispered.

"Sarah, it is their national sport, a bit like football is to the English and baseball to the Americans. By all means, you can try to approach the leaders of the dwarf realm when you are queen, and tell them you do not approve of their culture. But I don't rate your chances," Jareth said nonchalantly.

"What do you mean when I'm queen?" Sarah's eyes narrowed.

"Well they are hardly going to listen to a jumped up mortal pissed on blood tequila. If you want to make a difference here darling, you have to take the job," he smirked and finished his glass of elven wine. Lowering his drink, he glanced over at Sarah, not liking how quiet she had become. He determined to achieve the previous mood and distract her from her anxieties.

"Come on, they're cleaning up and the DJs back. Let's have another dance," he grabbed her hand and hauled her to her feet. Sarah followed without argument, _dancing and no talking, probably a good thing_ she thought. That was until she turned to face Jareth on the dance floor, and her libido suddenly shot through the roof.

The place was getting quite warm and she noticed that Jareth had somehow removed his shirt from under his tunic, leaving his arms bare. She swallowed, trying not to notice how fucking hot she was finding that look. The music was similar to before, but the patrons were moving a lot more freely and the floor was packed, requiring that they dance much closer together.

"It's a bit crowded," Sarah leaned towards his ear to shout.

"I know," he smirked. "All these wiggling bodies, it reminds me of a snake pit."

"It's fine if getting hot and sweaty is your kind of thing," she commented. Looking up to see Jareth staring down at her, his smirk still in place but his eyes were beginning to darken.

"Oh Sar-ah, you have no idea," he whispered. Sliding one hand down to cup her backside, he pulled her hips towards his, inserting his leg between hers so she was almost straddling him.

She squeaked in protest but didn't get a chance to say more as his other hand grasped her low ponytail. Tilting her off balance, Jareth brushed his lips over her throat.

 _Oh god, Oh god, he's fucking killing me,_ she groaned loudly, her hips lifting automatically to rub against his leather clad thigh. Jareth continued his onslaught as Sarah grasped her hands around his biceps, holding on tightly, with her eyes squeezed shut.

Right at that moment, a bright flash seared across Sarah's closed lids. She opened her eyes to see a pixie holding a camera, taking pictures of her and Jareth.

"Smile for the paps guys!" he said cheekily, as Jareth snarled at the intrusion.

Before Sarah could comprehend what the hell was going on, Jareth thrust her behind him and stunned the photographer with a crystal. The two mountain trolls appeared and picked up the frozen pixie, but not before Jareth sent another crystal at the camera and disintegrated it with a quick burst of flame.

"Insolent bastards!" Jareth hissed, completely shocking Sarah who had never heard him cuss before.

"I am so sorry, Your Majesty," gushed Elise, who had hurried over to them. "I have no idea how he got in but I promise you, we will investigate this fully."

"I came here to escape this circus, Elise. I am disappointed that my faith in your hospitality has been proven false," Jareth said in an icy tone.

"I swear this will _never_ happen again. Please accept our apologies. Your whole evening is on us, including your next visit. I also swear we will have this matter resolved to your satisfaction," Elise begged, genuflecting under Jareth's displeasure.

Jareth nodded sternly and turned to Sarah, dismissing the elf.

"Come on, I think it's time we head back," he said, and led her back to collect their things, before apparating them to the Castle.

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Jareth glanced down at Sarah when they appeared back in his suite. She was beginning to look like a deer caught in headlights.

"Ah, um, thank you for a lovely evening, Your Majesty," Sarah said, stepping backwards and bumping into a piece of furniture.

"What happened to Jareth?" he asked softly.

"Well, we're back home now, and you know, evening's over," she waffled nervously, reaching behind to feel out the obstacle and move herself around it so that it became a barrier. "Please let me go back to my own room."

Jareth didn't move forward but he didn't release her from his gaze. He needed to back off, she was overwhelmed and bordering on panicked. He didn't want to ruin the progress the evening had brought, although the thing in his pants was disagreeing with him wholeheartedly. He also found something in his chest soften at her use of the term home.

"Of course, please allow me to escort you," he said in a hushed tone, and offered her his hand.

Warily accepting his hand, Sarah allowed him to walk her back to the suite she shared with Susan. The silence was unbearable and she felt incredibly embarrassed. She had practically dry humped his thigh on a public dance floor. If she was supposed to be the prick tease, she felt it was a double-edged sword. Quite literally!

"Here we are, Champion, back to _your_ rooms. Although I can't see what was wrong with mine," he quipped, allowing her to remove her arm and step away from him. She reached behind her to open the door and slowly turned away from him.

"There is nothing wrong with your rooms, Your Majesty."

Jareth gave a smug and knowing smile, his ego riding high on the evening, causing Sarah to become slightly irritated.

"After all," she murmured with a sly smile, "they are much bigger than Couric's!"

Before he could comprehend what she said, the door was shut smartly in his face. His expression changed to that of thunder and his fists clenched tightly. _"And just when would you have found that out, precious?"_ he thought with a vicious twist of his lips. He stormed back down the corridor, kicking an unfortunate goblin from his path and clear over the balcony of the staircase.

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 _AN:_ OK, not written a remotely smutty scene before and although this was still probably in T category, I would appreciate some feedback. Was there a good balance between tension and comedy – if indeed you felt either were present?

 **References:**

Yep, there was a hobbit reference, couldn't help myself!

Also I know the term 'apparate' is derived from the Harry Potter canon, but I nicked it for this fic cause I liked the word.

Also, I notice that NO ONE has picked up on some major Bowie references, a small one in chapter 5 and numerous ones in chapter 7. Cookies to anyone who fancies a little game and finds them, feel free to PM.


	14. Chapter 14 - Don't count your cakes

Just to say a huge THANK YOU for the gentle nudges to get this chapter out, however I also duck from the bog roll and rotten fruit being thrown at me for taking so long. To avoid dragging you down by over-sharing, let's just say life happened, the type of life things that stops one from being in comedy mode, and therefore able to write this stuff. However, all things are sunshine and bunnies again so brace yourself, here comes the next episode!

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

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 _Reactions to Gown the Crown competition – Winner, Sarah Williams_

 _Diary Room –_ Chun Ng

"Well, I think the whole thing was rigged. I mean, did you see that outfit? She must've had help. No way did she come up with that on her own!"

 _Diary Room –_ Jaime Barnett

"It's ridiculous. She's all 'I don't like the Goblin King, he stole my brother, blah blah blah'. And the next thing you know, she's practically giving him a floor show in front of the entire Underground. Talk about a two-faced slut!"

 _Diary Room –_ Sabine Lennear

"We 'ave a name for girls like that where I come from. And eet is not nice…"

 _Diary Room –_ Susan Briggs

"What do you mean _interesting dress choice?_! You have something to say to me Bitch?"

 _Diary Room –_ Shante Latimore

"That girl has some balls, ya know what I'm saying. But she should just come out and admit she wants a piece of that tasty ass! If it was me, I'd have climbed on top of that dais and wrapped my sweet self right around his-"

 _Cut transmission_

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The next morning, following a communal breakfast, found the Goblinerettes in the Common Room.

Tariq breezed in and gave his little cough when no one acknowledged him. Politely stepping aside as Sarah rushed passed him and mouthed a quick, "Sorry I'm late!"

The girls started muttering when Sarah sat down behind Susan, there was some kissing of teeth and shaking of heads.

"Ladies, how lovely you all look this morning!" Tariq chirped.

"Save it Tariq, can't you feel the tension in the room? Or are you always this annoyingly optimistic?" Susan said in a bored tone.

"Hey," snapped Crystal, "that was a bit harsh, it's not his fault."

Before Susan could work up a head of steam, Sarah reached over Susan's shoulder and offered her the bagel that she had snatched from the dining room. The baked good appealing more to Susan than the potential confrontation, she shrugged and took a bite, giving Sarah the nod and ignoring Crystal's reprimanding look.

"Your attention please. I am very excited to announce the next contest," Tariq declared. This was met by a mixture of groans and squeals.

"Where's His Majesty?" asked Darla.

"I am afraid His Majesty has business to attend to this morning, hence his not being able to make the breakfast meeting with Miss Cherry."

"Yeah, I wonder what he was up to?" Rhiannon sing-songed sarcastically.

"You were late down this morning, weren't you Sarah?" Jaime added.

"I had a late night and overslept," Sarah responded.

"I bet you did, wear him out did you, _Champion_?" prompted Shante.

"Hey, keep your lewd assumptions to yourself!" Sarah snapped.

"Can I please bring your attention back to the next challenge?" Tariq interjected with a slightly raised voice. "Thank you. Today, you will be requested to bake a cake for afternoon tea. It can either be a whole cake, or a selection of individual cakes. You have creative license on the ingredients and colours you wish to use. The winning cake or cakes will be judged by His Majesty. Your entry will be assessed on taste as well as presentation. The winning cake will not only be consumed over afternoon tea with His Majesty, but there will also be the additional evening entertainment with the King. So, double prize today!" Tariq trilled, basking in the excited response of the girls.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Susan mumbled to Sarah, whilst the other girls clapped and cheered. "I get that I have to stay here for these stupid contests, but can't the prizes be even the least bit worth it? Fucking tea and evening entertainment! I'd settle for a crate of beer and not having to look at his smug face for the night!"

Sarah giggled and leaned towards her. "I feel your pain girl. However, I have some good news that should cheer you up!"

"Say what?" Susan asked.

"I would've told you last night, but you were asleep when I got back. I went to this cool club with Jareth last night."

" _Jareth_ is it now?" Susan teased. "How did the hot date go?"

"Long story, I will fill you in later," Sarah deflected. "Anyway, there were various games and we placed a few bets. Well, I won a prize of my choice and I asked for a night out for us two; just us, no men, no Goblinerettes, no glitter! To blow off some steam and party! You in?"

"Hell yes! I'm starting to lose the will to live. You're the only person worth speaking to, and _Maleficent_ has kept you busy since the fashion show."

"I know. I'll check with Tariq if we can do it tomorrow night, if there are no contests then," Sarah suggested.

"What's wrong with today?"

"Didn't you hear? The winner gets to share the evening with the twinkly one," Sarah grinned.

"Planning on taking the crown for this too huh?"

"There's no point taking part if you're not in it to win it!" she smiled and turned her attention back to Tariq.

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Tariq led the girls to the same room in which they had prepared their gowns. Instead of sewing and design workstations, the room had been transformed to accommodate nine separate kitchenettes. The layout was open planned, with every conceivable baking device that might be needed.

Sarah wasted no time grabbing the kitchen closest to Susan, feeling like a leper amongst the other contestants. She hadn't felt this uncomfortable since high school, and despite not understanding the Goblinerettes' reasons for wanting to be there, she didn't want to be enemies either. If it wasn't for Susan, she would have thrown the contest and gotten herself eliminated, despite wanting to correct the unfortunate matter of the summons finding its way into the Aboveground public domain.

"So, what you gonna make?" Susan asked as she put on an apron and pulled her bright red hair up into a makeshift bun.

"I'm going to go with my grandmother's apple and cinnamon muffins. They always go down a treat and are simple to make. How about you?"

"Rock cakes, with extra rocks!" Susan replied smiling sweetly.

"It has to be edible Susan. You have to look like you're trying, remember?" Sarah warned.

"Relax Princess! They will be edible, and in honour of the great final battle of the Champion of the Labyrinth," Susan continued to smile serenely.

"Passive aggressive, but brilliant!" Sarah laughed. "I thank you for the confectionary shout out!"

Sarah and Susan were so engrossed in their conversation that they missed seeing Crystal, Chun and Darla quietly leaving the room.

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 _Preparations for the 'Let Them Eat Cake Off' competition_

 _Diary Room –_ Crystal Hudson

"After the Champion's success with the dress, I decided to get smarter and do my homework properly. So, Chun, Darla and I headed over to the library to look up recipes on what Fae like to eat, Court delicacies and so on. I mean, after all, it's about us assimilating into the Underground. And Sarah had the right idea with the dress, it represented what mattered to the Goblin Kingdom and its King. I'm just applying the same logic to this challenge."

 _Diary Room –_ Chun Ng

"Crystal had this great idea about researching recipes in the Library. She's such a team player, unlike some I could mention. She didn't have to share her idea with us, but I guess the more of us who put in a good entry, the more we can detract from a certain attention hungry _Princess_."

 _Diary Room –_ Darla Foxe

"I've got the best idea for a recipe. It's not from the Underground, but the books gave me the idea, so I'm gonna use the dietary advice from the books but give it an Aboveground twist. The Goblin King ain't gonna know what hit him!"

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"That's it, they're done," Sarah sighed, wiping her forearm against her brow. "You wanna get some lunch, Detroit?"

"Sure, count me in," Susan called from the oven doorway in her kitchenette, before bursting into a coughing fit as smoke poured out of the now open oven door. "Fuck it!"

Sarah's hands raised to her mouth as she tried to gasp in sympathy, but it turned into a full-blown guffaw. "What the hell did you do?"

"Nothing! I turned the oven on and put the bloody things in as normal, but they have disintegrated!" Susan snapped.

Sarah headed towards her friend, guessing that if her cakes were not already charred, the look she gave them would've finished them off. "Let me see." Taking a look at the oven, Sarah started laughing, "I'm not surprised!"

"What?"

"You've set the oven way too high."

"It's what I've always set it at, 350 Fahrenheit," Susan exclaimed.

"350! This is a Celsius oven! You've cooked these things at nearly 700F!" Sarah explained, biting her lip to control the giggle fit.

"Is it a fucking Kiln?! Why on earth would a domestic oven go up that high?" Susan threw her oven gloves across the kitchen, and shoved her hands onto her hips.

"Come on, let's get lunch, and you can make up another batch when we get back," Sarah offered, dragging her friend by the arm and sniggering as Susan stomped passed her.

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Sarah and Susan managed to grab the table on the balcony outside the common room, where they proceeded to consume some grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. As she had missed breakfast that morning, Sarah found she was rather famished, but also eager to share the previous night's adventure with a friend. Susan listened without interrupting as Sarah filled her in on everything, concluding with how she threw Couric 'under the bus'.

"Good for you, that smarmy pretty boy deserved it," Susan commented, before stuffing the rest of her sandwich in her mouth. "I gotta say, you're sure acting all bipolar around His Arseness. I bet he doesn't know whether he's coming or going."

"Oh I know which of the two he'd like to be doing. And to be honest, it wasn't easy not getting swept away in the snogfest. I mean, when he turns his full attention on you, it's really something," Sarah said.

"I'll take your word for it," Susan replied, her nose wrinkling slightly in distaste.

"Oh come on Susan, you mean to tell me that you don't think he's even a tiny bit attractive?"

"To be honest Princess, I tend to go more the other way, and just because he looks like a gender confused Christmas tree half the time, it doesn't make him my ideal fuck buddy," Susan said.

"The other way?" Sarah asked puzzled.

"Remember the break up I mentioned I was dealing with when I wished Jerome away?" At Sarah's nod, Susan continued. "Well, her name was Debbie."

"Ohhhh! Um, I mean, that's cool," Sarah shrugged, then grinned. "If that's the case I'm surprised they dragged you into the competition. Considering the GK is technically the prize, how did they think you would be suitable, if you don't play that way?"

"I didn't say I didn't play that way. I just tend not to as often," Susan replied, shaking her head as if talking to a five-year-old, before shovelling a spoonful of soup into her mouth.

"Well if we're going to get another batch of your Rock cakes cooked, we should think about heading back," Sarah offered, finishing up her lunch. "We need to think of a name for them, how about 'Get your rocks off'?"

"Yeah, cause that doesn't sound the lease bit suggestive! The goal is to get sent home _without_ Jerome taking a trip back here, not offer His Highness an ambiguous come-on wrapped up in pastry," Susan frowned as she stood up and brushed the crumbs from her combat trousers.

"Okay, so what do you think of the name Crumbly Hard-ons?" Sarah teased.

"Only if we can call your cakes Grandma's Muffs," Susan chuckled as they entered the kitchen area and headed over to their workstations.

"You'll win points for originality if you call them Raisin Lumpy Love Mounds-"

"Ladies, how is everything coming along?" Tariq enquired as he approached the girls, followed by the film crew who were pointing their cameras at the girl's work surfaces. Tariq's smile faded as he peered at their offerings, giving a startled look at the grey dust that was Susan's first batch of cakes.

"Just peachy, Tariq," Susan scowled as she grabbed her mixing bowl and started all over again.

"Ask her what she's making Tariq, I guarantee you the King will not be able to resist her hard, firm crumbly texture," Sarah said with a bright innocent smile.

Whilst Tariq tried to process what the girls were actually referring to, Susan gave Sarah a bright smile and in her loudest voice announced.

"Sarah's making Snatch Cake!"

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 _Final Preparations for the 'Let Them Eat Cake Off' competition_

 _Diary Room –_ Sarah Williams

"I don't want to sound too presumptuous, but I think the Goblin King will go crazy for my Grandma's Apple and Cinnamon muffins. It's a tried and tested recipe, passed down through my family for generations. The story that passed down along with the recipe, is that every man that married into our family was enthralled by the taste of this sweet offering. Seeing as how my ties with the Goblin Kingdom and its ruler began with a story, I thought it'd be fitting to continue the storytelling tradition. I wanted to use the recipe that travelled down my family and work it into our story."

Sarah smiled sweetly at the camera, whilst crossing her fingers behind her back and internally cringing at the fluff she had just recited.

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The afternoon sped by, and each of the contestants were buzzing around their kitchenettes, making sure that each of their cakes were presented to perfection. When the bell rang through the castle, a team of goblins appeared, taking the cakes out of the working area and into the ballroom. The Goblinerettes were encouraged to follow.

The ballroom was filled with large round tables, where different members of the fae nobility sat. Each table consisted of an elaborate tea set and an enormous cake stand containing various gourmet sweets. To Sarah, it was all very Mad Hatter's tea party, with the Mad Hatter himself, the Goblin King, who sat at the top table where each of the entries had been placed. Next to him sat the same older lady and gentleman from the fashion show, who Sarah had since learned were Jareth's parents, the High King and Queen of the Underground.

Sarah's gaze strayed to Jareth, willing him to look her way. She was disappointed when he did not glance at her even once.

After the cakes had been presented, and the girls led to a table directly in front of the dais, Tariq scurried around to stand behind the King and commence the proceedings.

"Your Majesty, Honourable members of the Fae Court, Winners of the Labyrinth Challenge, the time has come for the 'Let Them Eat Cake Off' competition to be judged. Please can we have your attention, and as this is going out live to the rest of the Underground, can I ask that you do not curse."

Sarah rolled her eyeballs and leaned towards Susan, who was staring at Tariq as if he had lost his marbles. "He's obviously been watching other reality TV shows. I wouldn't be surprised if the next challenge is eating bugs!"

At Susan's alarmed look, Sarah sniggered and turned her attention back to the royal steward.

Tariq motioned towards the cake at the far end of the table, and picked up the place card in front of it. "We shall start with Miss Latimore's creation, um 'Aphrodite's Pussion.' Er, have I read this correctly Miss Latimore?"

At Shante's enthusiastic nod, Tariq flushed and coughed as a goblin sliced the elaborately large chocolatey looking cake and took a bite.

"Hey," called out Shante, "that Pussion is for His Majesty!"

"Yes Miss Latimore, but protocol dictates that any food items not prepared by the goblin chefs must be tasted by one of them, prior to it being given to the King. You understand of course," Tariq replied.

"I wonder why," whispered Susan as she leaned towards Sarah. "I guess I'm not the only person that would like to poison that pompous troll doll!"

"SSSHHH!" giggled Sarah.

The goblin took an inordinately long time chewing before taking a large swallow. After a couple of moments, he nodded enthusiastically and cut another slice of cake. Skipping his way around the table and presenting it to the Goblin King.

Jareth eyed the cake suspiciously, before paring a small bite sized portion with a dessert fork and sampling a taste. He too took a very long time chewing, a slight grimace appearing on his features as he continued masticating, eventually swallowing and then pressing a napkin delicately to his mouth.

"Miss Latimore, may I enquire as to the ingredients of this cake," Jareth asked.

"I used a couple of pounds of chocolate, cookies, raisins, toffee, marshmallows and jelly beans, Your Majesty. It's all sugary goodness, just like my-"

"That explains the sharp chewy sensation," the Goblin King replied with a saccharine smile. "My thanks for your efforts." At a glare from Jareth, Tariq quickly prodded the goblin chef for the next sample.

"Ah Miss Foxe, this is called 'Tune in and Drop out'?" Tariq queried as he read the card.

"Yep, one bite and you will see what I mean," Darla winked at the Goblin King.

The goblin chef took one bite and chewed, and chewed. The chewing began to slow down and a rather large string of drool appeared at the side of his mouth, just as a brainless grin stretched across his face.

"What's wrong with him?" Susan whispered to Sarah.

"Oh no," Sarah replied, just as the goblin swayed from left to right before hitting the ground hard, snoring like a St. Bernard.

"Miss Foxe," the Goblin King called. "Am I to understand that you have baked a narcotic into your entry?"

"Yeah, they're hash brownies. But made with top quality hashish. At Crystal's suggestion, I checked out the recipes in the library to see what kind of cake was popular, but thought I would add my own herbal accompaniment," Darla chattered, talking with elaborate hand gestures and grinning inanely.

"And how did you procure this, Aboveground herbal accompaniment?" Jareth asked, glancing slightly towards his mother who was apoplectic in shock.

"Well, Hoggle said he knows this guy at the Jolly Gobbler-

"Right, I see," Jareth cut in, frowning at the spaced-out Goblinerette before turning to Tariq. "It appears we need another member of the kitchen staff to take the chef's place." With a wave of his hand, the sleeping goblin vanished and the Goblin King motioned for Tariq to move on to the next contestant.

The competition continued. Chun received a bright grin from the King on trying her blueberry cream cheese scones. Rhiannon's peach eclairs were also a huge hit. Sabine's Mille Fois were declared as 'decadent', whereas Jamie's Fairy cakes were colourful and delicate and seemed to draw attention from the High Queen, who requested to try one for herself.

"Next we have Miss Briggs' entry," Tariq declared, nervously picking up the place card "Uh, Ludo's Revenge?"

"Ah, Miss Briggs. And what, pray tell, are in these delightful cakes?" Jareth asked with his customary dry tone.

"They are Rock cakes, your Highness. A simple recipe of dried fruit, butter, milk, flour, sugar, eggs and a little vanilla," Susan replied with mock innocence.

The goblin chef took a bite of the cakes and after a great deal of chewing, he swallowed and nodded his head appreciatively, handing one to his Majesty.

Susan was surprised, "I made them extra crunchy for His Majesty."

On completion of the bite of Ludo's Revenge, Jareth smiled at Susan. "Thank you Miss Briggs, how did you know that fae and goblin teeth were so strong and would enjoy the textured challenge you have represented us with? Well done." Jareth smirked at Susan's irritated expression, not believing for a single moment, that she was privy to this information.

Sarah leaned towards her friend and put a hand on her arm "Bad luck Detroit. If it's any conciliation, I'm taking you out to get hammered within the next day or so."

"Make it tonight and I'll cheer up!"

"No can do, I may be on a date," Sarah smirked, as Tariq went to the next entry which happened to be the Champion's.

"Williams' Secret Spice L'amour!" Tariq declared with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, that isn't corny at all!" Susan scoffed at Sarah.

Whilst the goblin sampled the muffins, Sarah looked at Jareth, who was still refusing to engage eye contact. Sarah frowned at this snub, wondering what his problem was. _He can't still be put out that I didn't put out, can he?_

On being presented with the Champion's cake, Jareth's gaze briefly met Sarah's.

Sarah wished he had kept ignoring her, as to say his expression was frosty would be an understatement.

"Secret Spice L'amour? You wouldn't be trying to slip me a love potion would you, Champion?" Jareth asked as members of the Court began sniggering.

Sarah's back straightened and she ignored the catty whispers of the other Goblinerettes. "Why Your Majesty, are you saying that I need love potions to obtain your attention?"

Jareth dismissed Sarah's question and his expression grew bored. He took a bite of the cake and immediately started coughing, holding his napkin to his mouth and discreetly removing the half-eaten morsel.

Sarah's jaw dropped. "I don't understand," she whispered to Susan. "Those cakes were perfect, I tested them myself."

"Maybe he doesn't like Grandma's muff?" Susan offered, giving Sarah a supportive tap on the back.

Sarah's cheeks flushed scarlet as she heard the giggling from the other contestants and mutters of "Serves her right," and "take that bitch!"

On sipping a glass of water, Jareth waved his hand towards Tariq, encouraging him to move onto the final contestant.

"Ah, and lastly, Miss Hudson, 'Carrot and Marigold Cake'," Tariq announced as the goblin sampled a small piece and presented a slice to his King.

The Goblin King raised his eyebrow at the cake and grinned at Crystal. "Marigolds? Someone has done their research, Miss Hudson."

Crystal beamed at the Goblin King as he placed a forkful of the cake into his mouth. His eyes closed and a small hum rumbled from his chest. He quickly took another forkful and winked at Crystal before patting his mouth with a napkin.

"Now that the tasting has taken place, we will require a few moments for His Majesty to compile his favourite, and least favourite offerings. We will replicate the cakes sampled by the King and pass them around the tables for everyone to try. That way the members of the Court can give their feedback on what they think is the best cake," Tariq announced.

As the fae nobility began to tuck into the cakes that appeared on their tables, Sarah turned to Susan and urgently whispered. "Someone must have sabotaged my cakes! Did you see that? He spat it out!"

"I can't see how anyone got the opportunity, plus the goblin tasted them and didn't see a problem, maybe he just doesn't like cinnamon?" Susan replied.

"It's too convenient. Most of the girls here have it in for me, so I wouldn't put it past them!"

"Relax, what's the worst that can happen? You get eliminated and sent back home to your family?" Susan responded.

"Yeah, but…" Sarah paused. The realisation dawning on her that she didn't want to get eliminated, especially over cakes! After the evening she spent with Jareth, she thought that maybe there was something there to explore, possibly. Not that she wanted to become queen or anything so permanent, but she couldn't ignore how she felt on that dance floor. He certainly had a way of making her feel like she was the only person in the room. She looked towards the Royal dais and saw the High King nodding enthusiastically as he tasted a forkful of Crystal's cake, gesturing at Jareth and then to the cake with approval. Jareth responded with a laugh and smile, enjoying yet another bite himself. Her heart sank.

"Attention everyone, His Royal Highness King Jareth has made his decision. Can I ask the Winners of the Labyrinth Challenge to please stand," Tariq announced.

"Here goes nothing," Susan muttered.

Jareth stood, making sure his good side was presented to the nearest camera.

"Thank you Ladies, for your efforts. The challenge has brought forth some… interesting results, so I would like to address your entries individually. Miss Cherry, the peach eclairs were an inspired, if somewhat obvious choice, however I appreciate the sentiment as they are indeed one of my favourite fruits. Miss Lennear, the Mille Fois was exquisite, although a trifle rich for my own palette, they are indeed an excellent example of French pastry making. Miss Briggs, you have delighted me with your Rock cakes. I am so impressed, I commission you to make an entire batch of a thousand for all the goblins of the Goblin City, to commemorate the reconstruction following the Champion's attack on their homes!" Jareth grinned wickedly at Susan's dismay. "You Ladies may sit down, you will all move forward to the next round of the competitions, congratulations."

"Now, for those of you who were not as impressive," Jareth's tone became cynical and motioned towards Shante's cake. "Miss Latimore, your entry was literally choc-full of all manner of sweets and delicacies from Above. However, there is such a thing as excess and unfortunately you took the ingredients too far. If I were to have this cake in the Kingdom, the goblins would be rioting for a fortnight on the sugar high. I therefore must denounce this recipe and outlaw it throughout the Goblin Kingdom. I appreciate the sentiments behind the offering, but it would cause the Kingdom a high level security issue. Now, as for you Miss Foxe, were you aware when you concocted this recipe that trying to drug the King is tantamount to treason in the Underground?" Jareth glared at Darla.

"What? Oh, lighten up Kingy," Darla giggled "I thought it'd help you _relax_ , what with running a Kingdom and all the Labyrinth runners you've been getting. I thought you'd appreciate the gesture!"

"You have obviously tried the Brownie cakes for yourself. And thanks to you, my head chef is now incapacitated for goodness knows how long and I have been inconvenienced. I am not impressed," Jareth rolled his eyes when he observed that Darla had ceased to listen to his reprimand and was making shadow hand puppets using the lighting crew's equipment.

"And you Champion, what can I say about your recipe," Jareth began, his eyes glinting coldly as he looked down his nose at Sarah.

Sarah looked him straight in the eye, refusing to show any emotion. _Just don't react, whatever he says don't react, it will be over soon, only a few more moments… just picture him in his awful gold lamé trousers and you will get through this Williams._

"The texture was soggy, the ingredients lacklustre and I simply cannot abide apples! A fact you could have taken the time to check, considering you have had the advantage over the other contestants, as you have spent more time with me. I guess your mind was otherwise distracted!" Jareth smirked as the fae nobility all began chortling at Sarah's expense.

Sarah's facial expression and body language did not change. Her eyes, however, were communicating the biggest _FUCK YOU!_ possible.

"So," Jareth returned his attention to the three reprimanded girls. "It is with those comments I alert you to the obvious fact that you are _all_ standing as candidates for elimination."

"Without further ado, the Labyrinth _Concubine_ who will be sent home today is…" This time Jareth relished the obligatory long pause that the Director had insisted on. "Darla!"

At the sound of her name, Darla raised her hand "Present, did someone need me?"

"Come with me Miss Foxe, it is time to return you home," Tariq declared, scurrying over to her and offering her his arm.

"Cool, can I take the brownies with me, they love cake," Darla leaned onto Tariq and began chatting inanely, not even bothering to speak to the other contestants. Probably because she didn't know where she was, or indeed that she was leaving the Underground for good.

"I don't think a memory wipe is going to be necessary with that one!" Susan muttered to Sarah.

When Sarah didn't respond, Susan looked over at her friend. "You okay, Princess?"

At Sarah's curt nod, Susan returned her attention back to the Goblin King, but kept sneaking concerned glances at the Champion.

"Now to announce the finalists of this competition," Jareth declared with a broad smile on his face and rubbing his hands together. "Miss Barnett, your fairy cakes have enchanted us all, the aesthetic was pleasing and the taste light and fluffy with a hint of lavender. They are a huge hit with the High Queen, who will no doubt request the recipe for her own Chef, excellent work."

Jaime glowed with the praise and started hopping up and down on her heels.

"Miss Ng. Another one who has done her research. Blueberries are a rare fruit in the Underground and are much sought after. Combining them with the cream cheese gave an added flavour that I had not sampled before. I was very impressed, congratulations," Jareth added with a sensual grin.

"Oh for god's sake, it's turning into fucking Masterchef! With smut!" Susan grumbled, slouching lower in her seat and resting her booted foot onto the opposing knee, despite the shocked look from the High Queen.

Sarah remained silent.

"And finally, Miss Hudson. What can I say, Carrot and Marigold Cake. I am in ecstasy! When I wed, this will be the Royal Wedding Cake!" Jareth declared.

"Oh god, I think I'm going to throw up! Did he just say ecstasy? She won't need to bother to ice it next time, he can just wank over the damn thing!" Susan shuddered.

Again, Sarah remained uncharacteristically quiet.

"That's it, what's up? That last comment was definitely worth a laugh, or at least a SSSHHH!" Susan mimicked Sarah's earlier response. When Sarah still did not answer, Susan nudged her friend. "Williams?"

"So without further ado," Jareth announced. "I declare the Winner of the 'Let Them Eat Cake Off' Competition as..." Jareth paused, a beautiful grin breaking across his face. "It's no surprise, Crystal!"

The whole room erupted in applause and cheers, the Goblinerettes joining in on the congratulations, all except Sarah and Susan, who was at that moment shaking Sarah's shoulder.

"Williams! Hey, earth to Williams!" Susan's shaking become a bit rougher. "SARAH!"

Sarah snapped her attention to her friend, her eyes surprised as if only just realising that Susan was talking to her.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?" Susan demanded in a hushed whisper.

Sarah's eyes moved around the room and alighted on Couric, who stood a good fifty feet away. When their eyes met, he gave a panicked expression and turned to flee the ballroom.

"What the hell?" Sarah murmured. The wheels of her mind gradually started turning. Jareth's being a spiteful git and Couric is seemingly terrified to be in her company. She groaned, and felt like smacking her head with the palm of her hand, she couldn't believe she had missed the signs.

"He's jealous!" Sarah whispered.

"What?" Susan demanded.

"He's jealous… Jareth," Sarah explained, shaking her head at the absurdity of his behaviour. "You know I told you what I said to Jareth when I retired last night?"

"Yeah," Susan replied, her hand gesturing _and…_

"I wanted to give his ego a gentle tap, not send him into a full-blown Joan Collins! Couric is scared to be around me, I wonder what the hell Jareth _did_ to him!"

"You sure he's jealous, Princess?" Susan asked, her eyes gesturing behind Sarah towards the Goblin King.

Sarah turned to see Jareth take Crystal's hand. He bent over it to give it a lingering kiss as he gazed into Crystal's eyes.

"BASTARD!" Sarah hissed. It was official, the Champion of the Labyrinth was pissed.

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 _AN: Thankyou to the wonderful KBates for beta-ing this chapter! I hope this chapter made up for my TWO MONTH (cringes) absence. From here on in it will be getting sillier. Would love to hear your thoughts, so please leave a review/PM._

 ** _Recommendations_** **:** As you have probably already seen, Startraveller776 is reposting her work. So, I recommend ALL of it, she was the first Labyrinth fanfiction author I discovered and since then I have been hooked on this fandom. So, she is probably indirectly responsible for this fic… so you can blame her HAHA!


	15. Chapter 15 - No time for Cuddles

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

Sit back and relax, it's about to get silly!

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Sarah stormed back to her room, silently fuming. Susan followed quickly behind. She had the sense to realise that getting Sarah to offload in public was not the best option, especially as the other girls were just waiting for an opportunity to ridicule her.

On entering their suite, Sarah kicked off her shoes and threw one across the room for good measure, screeching in frustration.

"That two-timing, feckless, petulant, childish, asinine, ASSHAT!" she yelled, throwing her head back and gritting her teeth.

"Well, tell me how you really feel," Susan quipped, closing the outer door behind them and moving towards the chaise. "And technically, he is eight-timing you, not two."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Sarah growled.

"No… It's supposed to get you to stop reacting like you just caught your prom date snogging someone else, and recall the situation we're in!"

Sarah put her hands on her hips and looked down at her friend, huffing out a sigh of frustration before throwing herself in the chair opposite Susan.

"I know, I just feel so humiliated. I couldn't care less he kissed her hand-"

Susan threw her a look, clearly calling _bullshit!_

"But he slated my cooking, in front of everyone!" Sarah hissed.

At that moment, there was a knock at the door and Tariq tentatively entered the room. His expression was one of concern.

"Ah Miss Williams, there you are. I couldn't help but notice you were a bit upset, you left so abruptly. However, your presence is requested in the Diary Room."

"I don't think now is a good time for Sarah to be sharing her thoughts with the Underground, Tariq," Susan replied.

"Someone sabotaged my muffins!" Sarah cried, glaring at the steward.

"I am afraid that's not possible," Tariq replied.

"How do you know?" Sarah asked.

"Because all of the entries had an anti-tampering charm placed on them. Only the creator could touch them. Also, I personally remained in the preparation area and kept an eye on things whilst you were all at lunch." Tariq sighed and tentatively moved towards Sarah. "I'm sorry, but the truth is that His Highness did not care for your cakes." Tariq had the grace to wince slightly as he muttered the last sentence.

"Oh!" was all the Champion could respond.

"Hey Tariq," Susan began, sensing an opportunity. "It's obvious you feel pretty bad for Sarah here. Don't you think it might be good for her to take a break from the competitions? You know, let loose and recharge, so she can get her game back on for the next round?"

"How so?" Tariq asked, slightly wary as this was probably the politest Susan Briggs had been towards him since she arrived.

"Jareth owes Sarah a night out, she won it from him while they were on their date," at Sarah's glare, Susan tried again. "I mean, night out last night. Maybe we could go do that tonight?"

"Ah, I was not aware-"

"It's true Tariq, you can check with Jar- I mean His Majesty," Sarah replied. "He owes me a night out with Susan, for us to party and let off some steam. So, I want to call that in, tonight. There's a place called the Pleasure Meadow in the Elven Kingdom, I want to go there. The owner said that the next visit was on her, so it's not even going to cost anything."

"The Pleasure Meadow?" he exclaimed, his eyebrows almost reaching his hairline. "Ah, I must get authorisation for this, are you sure the Jolly Gobbler is not a suitable alternative?"

"No, I want to dance," Sarah replied mulishly.

"I see, you wish to enjoy yourself rather than drown your sorrows?" Tariq humoured.

"Sorrows, what sorrows? I don't care that he didn't like my cakes," Sarah sniffed. "But he didn't have to be such a prick about it. I bet he secretly loved them, he was just in a snit because I compared the size of his and Couric's-"

"WHAT?" squeaked Tariq, suddenly forgetting all courtly protocol.

"ROOMS! Tariq, ROOMS! Not… I wouldn't even know… Oh for fuck's sake, can this day get any more embarrassing?!" Sarah cried.

Susan was howling with laughter on the couch, Tariq was sputtering like a choked chicken, and it was at that point Sarah decided to just give up trying to explain herself.

When Susan finally managed to control herself, and Tariq's colour returned to normal, Sarah returned her attention to the Royal Steward. "So, Tariq, night out, please?" Sarah pressed, turning on the look she used to give her dad when she'd wanted an advance on her allowance.

Although he was fae, Tariq was not at all experienced in dealing with pleading young women, and was certainly no match for the green-eyed girl in front of him. "Very well, although you must understand, the transportation and permissions required to take someone from the Aboveground into another Kingdom cannot be done at such short notice. Would tomorrow night suffice? If His Majesty agrees, of course."

Susan and Sarah groaned, but agreed. They didn't really have much choice in the matter.

"Now, can I please escort you to the Diary Room?" Tariq asked, indicating the door, his look implying that his cooperation on arranging their night out depended on their response.

With a sigh, the girls stood up and exited their sanctuary. Susan, frustrated that she had to wait for her night out, and Sarah, desperately thinking what she could say to the camera in the Diary Room. _Time to eat a shit load of humble pie!_

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That evening, Sarah laid sprawled across the chaise in the sitting area of her suite. She scowled at the distant view of the Labyrinth whilst lazily filing her fingernails.

"Come on Princess, enough with the moping!" Susan announced, as she made her way across the room and dropped into the chair by the fireplace.

"I'm not moping…I'm plotting!" Sarah growled.

"Revenge? Boy, remind me to never criticise your cooking! Jeez Sarah it's a shitty competition; it's not like you've been disqualified from the Olympics!"

"I know. I just, don't like being made a fool of. I feel like the score is now 1-1, following the success of the fashion show. I don't want to lose the next round to that git. He's so spiteful, I guess the courting version of Jareth was just for show," she sighed.

Sarah was not naive. She knew that one date and a couple of kissing sessions did not a relationship make. But she was so disappointed in him. If this was a guy she met at a bar back home, she was quite certain things would have gone further. Without the threat of being trapped as Goblin Queen, losing her soul, or whatever his God damned plan for her was, she knew she would have been much less cautious and gone with her libido. She was no nun and could boast her healthy share of boyfriends over the years. In some ways, she was more cross with herself, as it appears she had allowed herself to get swept away in the illusion that she might mean more to him that just a piece of ass. She shared this opinion with Susan, and although not the most sympathetic of friends, Susan was not afraid to call the situation as she saw it.

"Okay, so let me get this straight," Susan began. "You are pissed off because you felt he gave you the impression that you were special, and not just another contestant in this cluster fuck of a competition?"

"Um… yeah," Sarah replied.

"And why did you think that?" Susan prompted.

"What, in addition to the fact he went through some effort to get me here and that he calls me his Champion?!" Sarah stated confidently, then sighed. "I guess it was the way he looked at me, spoke to me." At Susan's raised eyebrow, Sarah elaborated in frustration, "Look I'm not twelve, okay! I know I'd been drinking but we just, you know, clicked! It felt real, and there is no way he was just mildly interested. Unless all fae are that passionate, there was a lot of heat! He was into it! I've experience in this area and I really don't think I was played."

"Hence you think that stunt with Crystal was just to make you jealous?" Susan asked.

"I think so, it would explain Couric's reaction when he saw me," she replied.

"Right, well there's only one way to find out, isn't there?" Susan replied, standing up and heading towards the door. "Come on!"

"Where are we going?"

"To do some recon, and find out just what that glittery bastard is up to. You think he is purposefully tormenting you? So, let's go see what exactly is happening on that date with Crystal!"

"WHAT? You mean spy on them?"

"Duh! Look, if his fawning over Crystal was an act to get back at you, then we will see a platonic date. However, if he is as promiscuous as an alley cat, then we will see something that I will need bleach on my eyeballs to erase! Capeesh?"

"I don't know," Sarah wavered, her hands twisting in her Henley sleeve.

"You want to know what's going on, don't you? And to be honest this pity party is a bit weak," Susan challenged.

"Yeah, but how? I don't even know where they are going," Sarah replied, disgusted with herself for feeling melancholy regarding Jareth's snub.

"Soooo… we need someone who knows their way around the castle, someone who can find out information," Susan prompted. At Sarah's blank look she continued. "Someone who knows all the secret passages in this place?"

At the look of realisation dawning across Sarah's features, Susan gave a slow clap. "Of course, why didn't I think of that? I swear today I have been operating without my brain. Fucking elven wine!" Sarah muttered, getting up and jogging over to the nearest mirror. "Hoggle, I need you!"

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"Yer want me to what?" Hoggle exclaimed!

"Oh come on Hoggle, it's not like we haven't sneaked around the castle before. I just need to find out what he's playing at and devise my revenge accordingly," Sarah smiled sweetly.

"I guess. But d'ya need to come along? Surely I can find this out for yer, or I can just ask Gus. That goblin knows all the castle gossip, especially when it comes ta _Him_."

"No, I need to see this for myself. I don't want to leave anything open to interpretation," Sarah replied.

"Okay…so, are we going now?" Hoggle asked as he stepped through the mirror into the room.

"Not yet, we need to make a stop first."

"Where to?"

"I need you to get us to Couric's rooms," Sarah replied, motioning towards Susan.

"Eh? What for?" Hoggle asked, not encouraged that Jareth's best bud would be involved.

"Intelligence gathering," Sarah replied with an evil grin.

"Eh?" Hoggle's eyebrows could not get any higher on his head.

Susan huffed as she crossed the room, wearing a darker outfit than before. "She is going to grill him about what happened after the date, keep up Hoggle!"

"Oh, okay then, but I think it's a _really_ bad idea Sarah, what if we get caught?"

"We won't, that's why I need Couric," Sarah replied, pulling her hair up into a ponytail and grabbing her dwarf friend by the hand.

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Couric was lounging on the balcony of his room, looking over the Labyrinth and enjoying the balmy evening air. He was startled out of his reverie at the sound of scraping wood and turned to find a dusty looking dwarf, followed by two equally dishevelled females exiting the panelled wall by the fireplace.

"What the?"

"Evening Couric," Sarah chirped, flashing him a grin that looked frighteningly white against her sooty complexion.

"Champion?"

"And me," declared Susan, brushing off dust all over Couric's lounge, much to his distress.

"No! No, no, no! You cannot be in here, leave… now. Before he finds out!" Couric panicked, rushing towards them and shooing them with his hands, although loathe to come into contact with the grubby individuals.

"Oh for Christ's sakes, Couric! No one knows we're here. Just calm down, we need to talk," Sarah replied, dusting off the bum of her trousers and then making herself comfortable on the nearest chair.

Couric stared blankly at the group of individuals all sat around the coffee table, looking at him expectantly. _That did it!_

"Do you have ANY idea what Jareth did to me this morning?" Couric flared, his temper finally finding its way past his shock at their arrival.

"No, that's what I'm here to find out," Sarah replied, quite calm in the face of his fury.

"Well, Miss Williams, let me enlighten you! I woke up to find myself being suspended upside down, NAKED, over my balcony, with a deadly calm monarch perched on the ledge, inspecting his nails and asking if you enjoyed the tour of my suite!"

"Ah," Sarah began.

"So, tell me _Champion,_ " Couric sneered her title, still in full-on rant mode. "How in the Underground did Jareth find out you were even here? After I specifically told you what he would do if he so much as suspected we were alone!"

"Look, I didn't know he would throw an epic diva tantrum! And I didn't tell him I'd been here, I just implied that his rooms were bigger than yours. He must have drawn his own conclusions," Sarah shrugged, refusing to feel guilty for Jareth's OTT reaction. Couric's advice had put her in more than one precarious situation.

" _Really?_ " Couric snorted, then growled in frustration and put his fist to his forehead. "You can't go around hinting things like that to him. Jareth can be extremely possessive, he never shared well as a child. Bogged one of our friends for 'jiggling' his balls, and that was when we were ten! So, you can imagine what he would do if he thought for one moment that another fae was attempting to woo _you_!"

"That's ridiculous! I'm not _his_ anything, and he's the one who has all these women competing after him. If I _was_ interested in him in that way, how should I feel about that? Double standards much!" Sarah snapped.

"Sarah!" Couric sighed, suddenly exhausted with the whole drama. "What is the problem here?"

"Did you see what happened this afternoon?" Sarah enquired, her tone communicating her outrage.

"Ah, Yes. You tugged the tiger's tail and are now surprised that he turned around and bit you. Not to mention that you dropped the ball, as it were, and your rival Blondie handed your arse to you on a plate," Couric quipped.

"He only chose Crystal to get back at me for goading him over you," Sarah declared.

"Nooo. He chose Crystal because she baked the better entry. His feelings for you would not cloud his judgement on the competitions, Sarah. You won't get special treatment from him in regards to this, it's too public; he cannot afford to show favouritism in front of the Court!" Couric replied as if speaking to a child.

"Surely he _has_ to pick a favourite to become his Queen? If it's not about his preference, then what is it about?" Susan interrupted, shaking her head in confusion.

"He has to pick the strongest candidate, not his favourite, if he is to appear to be a good ruler," replied Couric.

"Okay, so maybe he really thought my cakes sucked, but he didn't have to be such an arsehole about it!" Sarah fumed.

"Well y _ou_ may have felt justified in goading his jealousy, but you didn't have to put me in jeopardy, did you?" Couric returned.

"Oh come on Couric, he wouldn't have killed you!" Sarah scoffed.

"You wake up hundreds of feet in the air with nothing but a thin string of magic holding you up, note that magic is linked to emotion, and in the control of someone who is very pissed off with you, and tell me if your life would not have been at risk! Unlike our illustrious King, I CANNOT FLY!" Couric huffed.

"Enough of this guys, can we please get to the point of us being here?" Susan interrupted again.

"Um, yeah. Okay, Couric. I need to know where Jareth has taken Crystal on their date," Sarah said, folding her arms in a militant stance.

"And why is that?" he asked.

"Because, I need to see for myself whether he is sincere in his attentions to me, or if he really is just a fickle tart!"

"The word you are looking for is opportunistic male," Susan inserted.

Couric grinned at Susan's summary of his friend's character, but turned his attention back to the Champion.

"I see, but how exactly does it matter?" Couric asked. "What difference is this information going to make?"

"I'll tell you when I have my answer," Sarah replied, staring at Couric expectantly.

"And what's in it for me? What do I get out of providing you with this information?" Couric challenged, his eyebrow raising in expectation of an incentive.

"Oh, I don't know Couric. I just might let it slip how comfortable your chairs are," Sarah sighed as she arched back provocatively against the seat, stroking the fabric. "And how soft your rug is-"

"You wouldn't!" Couric exclaimed. "Knowing what he'd do?"

At Sarah's sweet smile, Susan began laughing. "I think the term is checkmate, fairy boy. If I was you I would just get talking."

Couric's mouth hung open in horror. He wondered if his friend knew what he was getting himself into with this female. She obviously had no qualms about sacrificing him to get what she wanted, who'd have thought such a pretty face could hide such cruelty. Maybe they were perfect for one another, after all. He shrugged and decided that it could be Jareth's problem rather than his.

"I believe they are having a romantic dinner in his garden room suite," Couric replied.

"Dammit! How am I going to get in there without his knowing?" Sarah's brows furrowed, her hopes that he would have taken Crystal somewhere public were dashed.

"You're not, not without his knowing that is," ventured Couric.

"There is another way," offered Hoggle.

All eyes turned to focus on the nervously shuffling dwarf.

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"This is your idea?" Susan hissed "Climbing a fucking trellis?"

"Well, if you wants eyes and ears on everything, the best viewpoint is from the garden balcony," grumbled Hoggle.

"And there isn't a peephole in the panelling that we could use?" she challenged.

"What, all four of us?" cried Hoggle.

Hoggle looked over at the unlikely gang of spies. Sarah had a determined look on her face as she tried to position herself for the best view, Susan was glaring at Hoggle, and Couric was balanced precariously, swatting at a firefly that was showing too much interest in the glitter on his shirt.

"Bloody things!" he hissed as he waved his hand frantically across his face.

"Well you did choose to wear such an inconspicuous outfit!" Sarah exclaimed sarcastically, raising her eyebrows.

"Tis no wonder yer attracting the wildlife!" added Hoggle.

"May I remind you, dwarf, that I am here under duress-"

"You butted into my business the night you got me plastered at the Jolly Gobbler," interrupted Sarah. "You are up to your neck in this now whether you like it or not, so stop with the whining!"

"Heads up people, here they come," shushed Susan.

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Jareth entered the Garden suite with a very fetchingly decked out Crystal. She wore a pink evening gown that left little to the imagination, her hair was cascading down her back in thick blonde waves.

Sarah felt her hands clench on the trellis edge, her eyes narrowing as Jareth led Crystal to a table laden with different foods.

"Oh, so she gets a banquet! Not bloody club tapas!" Sarah muttered waspishly.

"SShhhh," came from three different voices in the dark. Fortunately, this was not heard by the couple enjoying their meal, as the soft music playing muffled the noise outside.

"Oh look, Elven wine too!" Sarah scoffed. "How original, I guess Jareth's repertoire is quite narrow after all! OOMPF!"

"Stow it Princess," Susan hissed, after elbowing her friend in the side. "Save it for later. I don't wanna get caught and lose out on our girly night!"

"What girly night is this?" Couric asked.

"SHUT UP!"

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Two boring hours later found our spies in the same position. So far the date showed the couple eat, drink, talk, laugh and… play chess?

"This has to be the most boring date I've ever seen," Susan yawned. "Hey Sarah, you seen enough?"

"Not until she leaves," Sarah replied.

"Oh come on, surely you've made your mind up?" Susan complained. "The decision being you couldn't possibly shack up with such a dull prat!"

"No, that wasn't even crossing my mind, Detroit," Sarah replied, grinning at her friend and returning her attention to the chess game taking place towards the back of the room.

Hoggle was snoring softly on Couric's shoulder, who was desperately trying to remove the dwarf without drawing attention from the occupants in the room.

"Champion, get this blasted dwarf off me, or I swear I'm going to drop him ten feet onto the patio below!" Couric hissed, giving Hoggle a particularly aggressive shove which had him snorting and slowly regaining consciousness.

At that moment, the chess game ended and Jareth tipped his King on its side, conceding the match. He rose from his position and walked around the table towards Crystal, taking her hand in his as he drew her up next to him.

Sarah gaped motionless, as Jareth manoeuvred Crystal so her back was to the voyeurs and tilted her chin up towards him.

"Oh my God!" Sarah gasped.

"Okay, time to go," prompted Susan.

"Ladies!" Couric hissed. "Please keep your voice down, he not only has the flying abilities of an owl, but also the hearing!"

"That's weird," commented Hoggle. "You'd think one ear would be lower than the other."

"Will you lot shut up?!" Couric hissed again, almost losing his balance as a swarm of fireflies decided, at that moment, to investigate his shirt.

The commotion drew Jareth's attention, and along with it, Crystal's.

"What's that?" the voyeurs heard Crystal ask.

Right that second, Couric lost his hold on the trellis, taking Hoggle with him as they crashed towards the ground.

"FUCK!" mouthed Susan, and she started to scramble down, quickly followed by Sarah.

They all heard the approaching footsteps of the King, as they scurried towards the entrance hole in the castle wall. Hoggle being dragged through, just as Jareth peered over the balcony to investigate the intrusion.

"Run!" cried Couric, as they managed to achieve a standing position in a deserted passageway.

"Wait!" called Sarah, as the boys took off at high speed, leaving the girls to fend for themselves.

"Why are they running?" whispered Susan, as she broke into a sprint after Sarah.

"I don't know, but I'm not hanging around to find out!" Sarah panted as she pumped her legs faster to catch up with her cowardly 'friends'.

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The quartet exited the passageway at an opening, which led into the hallway to Jareth's private suite.

"Hoggle, what the hell are we doing here?" Sarah asked, recognising where they were.

"We had to get out the tunnels, right now they be swarming with the goblin horde, looking for intruders," Hoggle replied, bending over and wheezing in great gulps of air.

"I didn't hear anything," Susan challenged, also out of breath.

"That is why you would have been caught if you were not with us," Couric responded. Frantically dusting his clothes of mud and grimacing as he pulled ivy leaves out from his wispy locks.

"So where to now? Jareth may appear any minute," Sarah asked, her eyes trained on the end of the corridor, expecting to see the Goblin King come sweeping around the corner.

"Now we go to his rooms, there's a passageway from there that'll take us to Sarah's room," Hoggle replied.

"What? He can get to our suite from his own?" asked Susan.

"Not just to yours, but most places in the castle. Now move, we don't have much time, and they are already on to us," Couric replied, shooing the girls towards Jareth's apartments.

The foursome hurriedly entered Jareth's suite, although the girls didn't waste any time site seeing. They followed Hoggle to the walk-in wardrobe and ran through to the end wall, where there was a faux panel they could slip through. Hoggle went first, followed by Couric, Susan and….

Sarah felt herself thrown back as she tried to squeeze into the gap, at the same time she heard the outer door to the suite slam shut and her blood froze in her veins.

"Fuck fuck fuck!" she mouthed, biting her knuckles as her eyes darted around, looking for a place to hide.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are," came a deep silky voice from the main lounge area. "I know you are in here. Come out now and it will go much better for you," the Goblin King declared, his voice tinged with malice.

There was no way Sarah was leaving her hiding place, the back row of garishly coloured frock coats. She had absolutely no excuse for being found in the King's personal chambers, and was not sure what the punishment would be for such an infraction. At least her friends had gotten away.

Sarah ducked down lower as she heard footsteps approach the walk-in wardrobe. Her breathing slowed and she willed her body into a still pose, her eyes squeezed shut, giving her the false sense of security that if she couldn't see, then she couldn't be seen.

"Spying on a King is a very serious act," Jareth paused, a smart thwacking sound reached Sarah's ears, vaguely reminiscent of a crop being wielded against a leather boot. "I would hate to add defiance and resisting capture to the charge… Do you know what I do to subjects who disobey me?" Jareth asked as he suddenly launched into the cupboard containing his boots, knocking them off the shelves with his crop as he searched for any hiding culprits.

On discovering the cupboard empty of miscreants, he continued into the wardrobe. "My bog is nothing compared to my dungeons. Would you like to visit my dungeons, little spy?" he sing-songed.

Sarah felt rather than heard herself whimper, however the Goblin King missed nothing and his head swivelled around in the direction of the noise, an evil grin appearing on his face.

"Your Majesty, Your Majesty!" came Tariq's voice loudly through the outer door, accompanied by a large amount of banging.

Jareth paused in his pursuit and tilted his head slightly. "Do excuse me a moment won't you, little spy," Jareth called out into the closet, as he turned to provide Tariq with access to the suite.

"What is it?" Jareth snapped as he opened the outer door.

"The goblin horde was unable to capture the intruders, although we did find some leaves and mud outside your suite and wanted to search it, but were unable to get in," Tariq cried.

"I had secured the area with wards, no one could go in or out," Jareth replied.

Tariq nodded and motioned the guards forward.

Sarah peeled open one eye and looked over to see Hoggle gesturing frantically from the opening, which had suddenly reappeared when Jareth opened the door to the suite. Without waiting a moment, Sarah sprinted across the wardrobe and through the gap, into Hoggle's arms, shaking violently from the adrenaline rush.

"No time for cuddles," Hoggle cried "Run!" and with that he took off down the corridor, dragging Sarah behind him. Couric and Susan were nowhere in sight.

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Jareth swept into the wardrobe, noticing the frock coats were in disarray. He cursed himself for dropping the wards to allow Tariq to enter. Of course that would have lifted the block on the secret passageways! Jareth gritted his teeth and growled at his lapse in focus. Frustrated, he pushed through the frock coats to see if any evidence of the culprit had been left behind. On seeing nothing else out of place, he moved towards the panel at the back. However, he paused when he caught the fading fragrance of jasmine and vanilla, triggering a memory of dark tresses pressed closely to his face, warm skin and breathy moans.

"Sarah!"

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 _AN:_

 **Q Why am I writing this story?** I must admit I am not a fan of reality TV 'finding love' type shows, I tend to avoid them, sticking my nose in the air and being very snobby about it. However, one day I was flicking through the channels and discovered Brett Michaels had put himself in a bachelor TV show type of arrangement. Remembering him being quite easy on the eyes in my youth (OK, I have a vinyl copy of _Flesh and Blood)_ and wondering what on earth he was doing, I decided to watch a couple of minutes! Then it happened, it was such car crash TV and so funny I was hooked. I have not watched the Bachelor or Bachelorette, but seeing a rock star surrounded by a bunch of crazy bitches and sometimes getting out of his depth was just too entertaining. The idea came to me during early readings of Labyrinth fanfic, wondering why no one had written this story. I must have read about 500 before realising that the idea may not have been discovered, or even brought to fruition yet. I wanted to attain Beta status, but to do that I realised I had to publish something first, so I took the plunge and this monster was born. The rest as they say is history, and I didn't realise how much fun I would find it, and the virtual friends I would make on the way as a result (Big love to WhenasinSilks, KBates and all my reviewers).

So, thankyou Brett Michaels for the idea!

However, I stand by my opinion that the Kardashians should be fined their entire fortune for, in general, just wasting peoples time!

P.S. Sorry if this sounded like a fucking Oscar acceptance speech!

 ** _Recommendations_** **:** King Lindworm by Glasshibou – a proven storyteller with another variation of the Labyrinth, combined with a fable. Great writing style and an interesting re-imagining of the dynamic between Sarah and the Goblin King, still in progress but well worth the read.


	16. Chapter 16 - All Hooked Up

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to _Labyrinth_ , all original characters owned by Henson et al.

 _AN:_ As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

OK, there is a song referenced in here, it's All Hooked Up by All Saints, and I recommend you hearing it when you get to the relevant section. I think it sums up Sarah's mood with the twinkly one.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

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Sarah burst out of the secret passageway and found herself in the wardrobe situated in her room. Hoggle was right behind her.

"Where are the others?" Sarah panted.

"Couric should be back in 'is room and yer friend should be in the bathroom. I suggest ye get in there and get cleaned up quick, in case they come 'round to check on yers," Hoggle wheezed, motioning Sarah to get moving.

"Where are you going to go?"

"I'm off to the pub, sod this for a game of goblins. I'll see yer tomorrow Sarah, and remember, if asked, deny _everything_!"

"Okay, thanks Hoggle," Sarah bent down and kissed her friend goodbye, before hurrying to the bathroom and yelling, "Cover up Detroit, I'm coming in!"

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Sarah entered the bathroom to find Susan towel-drying her bright red hair.

"Hurry up! I ran you the tub while I took a shower. Couric says they're bound to do a thorough sweep of the castle, so we'll receive visitors any minute now," Susan informed Sarah whilst she frantically tried to finish her ablutions.

"Why the whole 'through the bathroom' thing?" Sarah asked.

"You're kidding, right? Have you looked in the mirror? We're _covered_ in mud and soot. We need to hide the clothes and act like we've been here all evening. Even if someone else saw us, it will be their word against ours, so we need to have a believable alibi when our room gets inspected. Now, clothes off, in tub, move, move, move!" Susan nagged, as she snatched up her discarded clothes to hide them.

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Sarah was entering the lounge area when a knock sounded at the outer door. She was dressed comfortably in a pair of silk PJs and her hair was still wrapped in a towel. Susan was lounging on the chaise in a Bugs Bunny night shirt, with a book in her hand. Sarah strode past her, setting Susan's book the right way up, before opening the door.

"Hi Tariq, what's going on?" she asked their visitor, her face a mask of confused interest.

"Sorry to disturb you, Miss Williams, but there has been an incident in the castle. We just wanted to ascertain that everything was well with you, and to ask if you noticed anything out of the ordinary this evening."

"Oooh, an incident? Sounds exciting. What happened?" Susan asked from her spot on the chaise.

"Nothing to worry about, as a precaution we are checking that all our guests are comfortable and inquiring where they were a few minutes ago. Just to help us build a picture of events, of course, and to discover if you had witnessed anything."

"Like what?" Susan asked.

"Like anything out of the ordinary," replied Tariq, refusing to be drawn out.

"Tariq, we are staying in a magical castle, surrounded by a deranged maze, in a mythical realm that is chock full of strange creatures, hygienically challenged goblins, and a Rod Stewart wannabe. This whole fucking situation is out of the ordinary, can you please be more specific?" Sarah asked drily.

Tariq sighed, but decided that more information would be necessary if he was going to get any kind of answer out of these two. "Did either of you happen to see any muddy individuals of any species running through the castle?"

"Well, we've been here all night, and no one of that description has come running through our rooms, does that answer your question?" Sarah replied.

"Indeed, Miss Williams, I am very sorry to disturb you both," Tariq offered before inclining his head in farewell and turning to leave.

"S'okay, I hope you find the muddy things," Sarah called out after him, before she promptly closed the door.

"Yo Princess!" Susan called.

"Uh huh?" Sarah called back, unwrapping the towel from around her head.

"I can't believe you spent two hours in the bath, what were you trying to do, drown yourself?"

Sarah looked at her friend as if she'd lost her mind, she had only been in there for five minutes tops. When Susan raised her eyes towards the ceiling and did a funny rotating movement with her hand, Sarah realised that she was encouraging her to play along, in case Jareth was spying on them using his creepy crystals.

Sarah stretched and gave a dramatic sigh. "Yeah, it's been such an awful day! I can't believe I offended Jareth with my cakes. I hope I get the opportunity to rectify the matter soon," Sarah said through gritted teeth and an enormously cheesy smile.

Susan sniggered behind her hand and tried to turn it into a cough, as she leaned back over the chaise.

"Holy Fuck!" Susan cried.

"What? What is it?" Sarah tensed at her friend's outburst.

"There is a fucking bird or something on the balcony ledge," Susan got up to take a closer look.

"Don't," Sarah said as she sped past Susan before she could open the balcony doors. "Don't go near it Susan. After all, you don't know where it's been!" Sarah snarked, as she glared at the owl before pulling the drapes closed with a snap.

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The next morning found the girls gathered in the Common Room again. There were excited whispers about the alleged 'incident' the previous night, as all the contestants had been checked on by Tariq.

"So, Crystal, how did the hot date go with His Majesty?" Rhiannon called over from the sideboard, where she was helping herself to some coffee.

Crystal was perched on a sofa by the fireplace, opposite Sarah who was hiding behind a copy of _Tess of the d'urbivilles._

"Oh, it was great. We had a nice romantic dinner, followed by a game of chess. Boy, does he like to play games," Crystal smiled as she sipped her own beverage.

Sarah glanced over the book she was reading and rolled her eyes. _If only she knew!_

"What about you Champion, how did your date go? You never did say," Crystal asked, looking up to meet Sarah's eyes.

"Oh, it was nothing much. He took me to a club in the Elven Kingdom. The club itself was pretty cool, they had a lot of entertainment, like games that you could bet on," Sarah replied.

On waking up that morning, Sarah had decided she couldn't be bothered to waste any more energy fretting over Jareth's intentions. She wasn't cross at him for almost seducing her. After all, she _had_ been warned he would attempt to do so, and she did give him the 'in' as she planted one on him when she won the dwarf tossing wager. She acknowledged that she had gotten drunk and that he suggested she sober up. She asked to be returned to her room and he escorted her without question. She took responsibility for her actions that night and accepted that she had goaded his ego.

Sarah was, however, still very pissed at the way he retaliated and humiliated her in public, especially after what had transpired between them the night before. She was also furious that he moved onto the next conquest so quickly, disappointed that he had proved to be as fickle as she'd feared. Despite all her protestations to the contrary, she always felt that she had been special where he was concerned. She didn't believe he was sincere in his 'marriage proposal', but if there was one thing Sarah could not stand, it was being classed as average or ordinary. And she hated being ignored, especially by her own personal villain. Therefore, she decided to ignore any feelings she may have developed for him, and not give him another inch with her person. _Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice?...Nope, not fucking happening!_

"Sounds like fun," Crystal replied, bringing Sarah back from her thoughts. "Look, Sarah, if it's any consolation, I don't agree with the others that you deserved to be treated like that during the eliminations."

 _Great! To top it off, she has to be nice,_ Sarah grumbled. "Hey, no worries, I guess the best entry won. Congratulations, Crystal." Sarah replied, followed by a closed lip smile.

Crystal grinned and got up from the couch, heading over to where the other girls were gathered.

"Wow, Princess," Susan murmured, taking the seat Crystal had vacated. "How painful was that?"

"Fucking excruciating," Sarah replied, dropping her book onto the coffee table and sitting up. "Look, here comes Tariq. Let's see what we have to do next to stay in this circus."

"Ladies, lovely to see you this morning. Again, my apologies for any confusion last night. I would like to clarify that the matter has been resolved, so there's no need for further discussion on the episode," Tariq announced, signalling quite clearly that any questions about the previous night would not be indulged.

"It has been a busy few days and we thought you deserved some rest time before the next competition. However, there is one competition coming up in the future that we realise you may need time to practice for. Therefore, we have decided to begin preparations for this further in advance. We understand that there will be two of you who will not be present for this, but under the circumstances we thought it only fair to begin training now, at least for those who do not have experience in this area," Tariq informed the girls, who were all looking at him with differing levels of intrigue.

"That's great Tariq, but what's the challenge?" Chun asked.

"Pole dancing," Tariq replied, failing miserably to hide his blush. He had warned His Majesty that this activity was only indulged by a small group of mortals, and was primarily linked to exotic dancers rather than the everyday young lady. Jareth had refused to budge on this, after seeing it in an episode of _Rock of Love,_ he decided this was one thing he definitely wanted in the competitions. He insisted it was only right that he get something out of this farce, and this was the perfect challenge. Tariq had then asked what such a thing would be useful for as a Goblin Queen, when Jareth had responded quite icily _"To please the Goblin King."_ Tariq had immediately ceased his questions, not wishing to know more than his sensibilities could take.

Tariq's attention was brought back to the room on hearing the gasps and mutterings of the girls.

"A group of circus nymphs have agreed to attend the castle and help prepare you for this. So, today you will begin these classes, starting at 11 o'clock in the preparation room. The rest of the day will be yours to spend at your leisure as we have arranged for various activities for your amusement."

"Pole dancing?" Susan cried. "You've got to be kidding me?"

"It's okay, Detroit, we can do this," Sarah began. "Just think of it as a core strength workout. Anyway, looks like we have some time to chill before our night out."

"For you maybe, I have to start baking fucking rock cakes for the masses!"

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Sarah stood in front of the mirror in her room, smoothing down the silver mini skirt before checking her teeth for lipstick. Tariq confirmed with them earlier that they were indeed allowed to attend the Pleasure Meadow, although they would have an escort to ensure their safe transportation and security.

"Wow, Princess!" Susan whistled when she saw Sarah on entering her room.

"You like?" Sarah asked, turning around to grin at her friend whilst she fastened her earrings.

"It's a good thing Goblin Boy is not coming along, or he'll be kicking himself if he saw you dressed like this."

"Yes, it's a shame really. I'm in the mood for 'here's what you could've won,' if you weren't such a fickle man whore!" Sarah snipped.

Susan snorted and approached the mirror. "So, how do I look?"

Sarah put her arm around her friend's shoulder whilst they both assessed themselves in the mirror.

Sarah's look was completed with a dark, backless scooped-neck top that rested just past her waist. She wore nude tights and haematite coloured snakeskin pumps. Her hair was pulled up into a high ponytail and she had gone heavy on the eye makeup. Susan, in contrast, wore a white slip dress that reached her mid-thigh. She accessorised it with a chunky black belt and biker boots, that way no one could accuse her of being 'girly.' She wore her hair in two high buns on either side of her head.

"You look like a force to be reckoned with. Even with the Princess Leia hair, you still look edgy! I approve," Sarah smiled, giving Susan a light squeeze before heading into the lounge area to answer the knock on the outer door.

"Your escort awaits!" addressed the bowed individual on the opening of the door.

"Hoggle!" Sarah cried, reaching out to hug her friend. "How come you're our escort?"

"Tariq thought you would appreciate being chaperoned by a friend, Sir Didymus is coming too," Hoggle replied.

"Oh, this is great, Detroit, come see," Sarah cried.

"Yep, it's going to be a reunion. Let's hope you can keep up Hoggle, as I plan on things getting messy," Susan grinned as she strode past Sarah and out into the corridor.

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They arrived at the Pleasure Meadow fifteen minutes later. Apart from Hoggle and Sir Didymus, there were two fae 'bodyguards,' one for security and the other to initiate the apparation.

"Welcome, Labyrinth Champion. It is an honour to see you again so soon. I see you have brought a guest, along with an entourage?" Elise addressed Sarah, turning on the charm.

"Thank you, Elise. This is Susan, she too successfully completed the Labyrinth," Sarah indicated her friend who was busy trying to peer into the main room, where the sound of loud music thudded through the opening.

"Welcome, Susan. Tariq informed me that you were coming and we have a table available for you both. As promised, drinks are on the house," Elise winked, as she led the girls through to the main room, followed by the dwarf, the fox terrier and the bodyguards. "You are in for a treat tonight, it is Karaoke, no experience necessary. I expect to see both of you up on that stage at some point. Ladies," she announced, indicating their table before heading back to the front of the club.

Sarah plastered a fake smile on her face "Great!" Susan, however, let out a groan.

"Are these guys going to hang around all night?" Susan asked Sarah, as they made their way to their seats.

"I hope not, leave it to me," Sarah replied. "Hey guys, I know you two probably won't be drinking," she motioned to the fae, "But could you just hang out at the bar, this is supposed to be a girly night."

The fae men looked at each other and then at Hoggle and Sir Didymus. The taller of the two raised his eyebrow in question, but then nodded his consent as they headed over to the bar, choosing a position that would allow a clear line of sight to both girls.

"Hoggle, I want you guys to enjoy yourselves, but we are going to get smashed and have some girly time. So, order whatever you want and add it to the tab, okay?" Sarah said to her friend.

"Thank you, fair maiden, although we couldn't possibly-"

"Right y'are Sarah!" Hoggle interrupted, dragging a baffled Sir Didymus towards the bar.

"That dwarf would do anything for a free drink," Susan muttered.

The girls got comfortable and looked at the dancefloor. It was already quite full and she could see elves on the stage, setting up for what they assumed was the Karaoke night.

"So, this is where Glitternova brought you for your date, huh?" Susan asked.

"Yep, although we were sat higher up in one of the posher booths. I guess we have been relegated to the lower seating, not being with _royalty_ ," Sarah wiggled her fingers, indicating air quotes.

"Hi, I'm Dione, and I will be serving you this evening."

The girls looked up, startled to see what could only be described as a scantily clad Vegas show girl, complete with body paint and a long, long swishing braid. On closer inspection, she appeared to be some kind of nymph. "Ladies, a round of blood tequila and a bottle of our finest Bon Bon du Poisson! Courtesy of the Pleasure Meadow," Dione presented the drinks as she put them on the table.

"Fish sweets?" Sarah asked, her nose crinkling in distaste.

"It's a fine wine in the Underground, the Hydriads swear by it. It makes one, how do we say, more confident," the pretty waitress smiled, her skin shimmered gold as she poured the wine into goblets, her braid whipping around her thighs.

"Uh, thanks I guess," muttered Susan. Waiting for their waitress to move along before picking up the shot. "Okay, Champion. Bottoms up!"

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An hour later found the girls on the dance floor, they were surrounded by all manner of males and some females, eager to get physical with the slightly intoxicated pair. The music was pure rock, Sarah was reminded of the _Foo Fighters,_ and was loving every minute of it.

"This is fucking amazing, Princess, good call!" Susan cried, reaching her arms up into the air and swaying her hips enthusiastically to the music.

"I know right, no more moping for me! Fuck that shit!" Sarah yelled, the aggressive, anti-establishment lyrics matching her mood perfectly. She laughed, throwing her hair back and flicking her hips in time with the elven dude that had sneaked up behind her, and was matching her move for move.

"Oi now, none of that. Girl's night, remember?" Susan laughed as Sarah flashed her admirer a devastating smile.

"Sorry, I guess I'm not allowed to play," Sarah called over her shoulder, shrugging apologetically. The man pulled a sad face and clutched his hand to his chest. When Sarah let out a laugh, he smiled and turned to find his next willing victim.

Sarah glanced back at Susan, "Spoil sport!"

"Strumpet!"

"Mum!"

"Prick Tease!"

"Human Chastity Belt!"

"Goblin King!"

"What? I know he's a slut, but that's hardly a put down!" Sarah replied.

"No, Goblin King!" Susan's gaze was fixed behind Sarah.

Sarah turned to find herself face to face with the icy countenance of the one person she did NOT want to see.

"Urgh!" Sarah groaned, spinning back to Susan, giving him the cut direct.

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Jareth had been watching Sarah from the moment she entered the main room. He was sat in his normal booth, flanked by Couric, Galen and some other acquaintances who were doing their best to attract the attention of the female fae at a table further along.

"What is that Briggs girl wearing?" Galen asked. He was surprised that he was still taken aback by her odd fashion sense, he should have been used to it by now.

"She appears to be attempting a warrior woman get-up. Although, how that dress is supposed to stop a sword I have no notion," responded Couric, who was peering over his goblet towards the girls on the dancefloor.

"Oh, looks like our Champion has an admirer, Jareth," Galen commented. "Jareth?"

On turning, the duo found their King had vanished and reappeared on the edge of the dance floor, cutting through the crowd as he bee-lined towards his _concubines_.

"Oh no," Couric sighed, before shrugging and pouring himself another drink. "Behold Galen, this should be good," he sniggered, sitting back to watch the show.

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Jareth moved towards the brunette who so rudely turned her back on him. No one ignored him, he was a KING!

"Enjoying yourself, Precious?" Jareth hissed into her ear.

"I was," she snarked without turning around, continuing to ignore him in favour of the dance.

"So I see," his tone was flinty. "May I have a word?"

"Not really the time," Sarah responded. "I'm out on my girly night, you know, that thing I _won_ from you. And although I know you like to dress up like one, you don't quite fit the bill."

" _Sar-ah!_ " his voice drawn out in warning.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Sarah spun around to face him, putting her hands on her hips. "What do you want, Your Majesty?"

Sarah looked Jareth up and down. The bastard was dressed exquisitely in black snake skin pants and a silver shirt. She tried to ignore the fact that their outfits matched beautifully.

"On discovering that you were on your night out at the Pleasure Meadow, I decided to attend so I could apparate you back when your evening had finished," Jareth said, attempting a charming smile.

"Oh, how sweet!" Sarah cried, her face contorted into a parody of joy, but her tone belying in its sarcasm. "Yet another remarkable skill you possess: ruler of a realm, Tyra Banks, Rock God, Martha Stewart, now Taxi Driver! Oh, and let's not forget Utter Bastard!"

Jareth frowned at her outburst. "Careful Sarah, we don't want our night to finish too early, do we?"

"That's the point I am trying to make, this is not _our_ night. We already did that, not that you would remember as you have been _so busy_ since then," Sarah snapped, raising an insinuating eyebrow.

"Be that as it may-"

"So, unless you are going back on your _WORD_ , I expect to be allowed to enjoy my evening with my friend, without other claims being made on my time," Sarah interrupted.

Jareth's mouth tightened as he glared at her. "As you wish," he inclined his head, before vanishing in his trademark glitter cloud.

"Well, I gotta say Champ, you sure handed him his ass!" Susan snorted, dragging Sarah back into the dance.

"Yep, Sarah Williams, Champion of the Fucking Labyrinth!" Sarah bowed, before laughing at her own joke and throwing herself into the song.

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"So, how did it go?" Couric asked, finally managing to speak to Jareth without the others listening in.

Jareth had returned to the table about half an hour ago, just as the Karaoke started up. It appeared to everyone else that he was watching the acts. So far, they included a lovelorn troll, a group of pixies on a pre-marriage party and, was that _Sir Didymus_ …?

"Underground to His Majesty?" Couric prompted.

"What?... Oh, she indicated she would speak to me later as she is on a 'girly night,'" Jareth sneered.

"You've not exactly done much to woo her in the last fifty-two hours," Couric replied drily.

"I don't know what you mean, my dear friend," Jareth murmured, sipping his elven wine as he scanned the crowd for his erstwhile Champion.

"Well, you did ignore her, then criticise her quite cruelly in front of the Court-"

"Her cakes were appalling; did you try one?" Jareth interrupted.

"Then you proceeded to fawn over another woman, right in front of her, as well as everyone else. You couldn't have made it clearer to the girl that she means nothing to you," Couric continued, ignoring his question.

"Don't be ridiculous! My Sarah is made of sterner stuff than that," Jareth replied.

"Oh, of that I have no doubt. And I think you are unwittingly about to find out just how stern she can be. You forever make the same mistake with this mortal!" Couric spat, exasperated.

"How so?"

"You keep _underestimating_ her! All this ' _my Sarah'_ rubbish is not fooling anyone. She constantly reminds us how she is not anyone's _anything_. You made good progress the other night and then just blew it in an unnecessary fit of jealousy!"

"I was not jealous-"

"My recent case of vertigo can attest otherwise!"

"Couric, do you need to be reminded how _unwise_ it is to interrupt your King?"

At that moment, Elise announced the next act. "Thank you, Sir Didymus for that rather touching rendition of ' _My Way'_. And now, the Pleasure Meadow would like to welcome to the stage two mortals, who bravely defeated the Labyrinth of the Goblin realm. Let's give a big welcome for the Champion Sarah Williams and Susan Briggs singing… _All Hooked Up_?"

The fae's eyes were immediately drawn to the stage, Jareth was transfixed by Sarah as she smoothed her hands down her skirt and gave a huge smile to the crowd before grabbing the microphone. Her eyes found his from all the way across the room and she gave him a cruel smirk just as the music began.

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 _You keep asking, for my time._ _  
 _You keep tellin' me, that I'm fine._  
 _Give me your number, I won't call._  
 _Give me your pager too, not at all will I call, not at all.__

"Wow!" Couric said, his eyebrows lifted higher than ever before.

"Quite," replied Galen, oblivious to Jareth's clenched fists.

Sarah had removed her ponytail before going on stage, flicking her hair over her shoulders as she and Susan began a deep sway of their hips in time with the beat of the chorus.

 _I know that you want a piece of my ass._ _  
 _Don't you know that a guy like you wouldn't last?__

Sarah winked towards Jareth and continued to sway, occasionally flicking her head along with her hips.

 _Now a player, don't get played._ _  
 _I'll leave you hanging, for days._  
 _Don't send me flowers, they won't do._  
 _Don't give me diamond rings, cause I'll take them and call you a fool.__

Jareth bristled at the insinuation. While he could hardly be surprised at her public rebuke following the fashion show, this time it was much more personal. This wasn't about her demanding respect; this time, she was dismissing him as a suitor. He was further infuriated when he heard the muffled tittering and guffaws of his friends around him, he also noticed that those at the other tables were sneaking glances at him and whispering.

 _I know that you want a piece of my ass._ _  
 _Don't you know that a guy like you wouldn't last?__

 _I'm all hooked up, you're outta luck!_

Jareth hissed loudly as Sarah and Susan high fived one another before bowing in front of a cheering crowd.

 _That's it!_ He disappeared in an enormous cloud of glitter, covering not only his entire party, but adjacent tables as well.

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"Oh my God, Princess!" cried Susan, wiping the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand as they left the stage. "That was hilarious!"

"I didn't realise just how much I needed that," Sarah grinned over her shoulder, turning back to find herself facing a chest adorned with a very familiar emblem.

"Excuse us," hissed Jareth to a shocked Susan, as he dis-apparated Sarah away.

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They arrived back at the Goblin Castle, outside Jareth's suite.

"Interesting performance," Jareth sneered as she yanked her arm out from his grasp and stumbled backwards.

"Hey! Did you just leave Susan at the club?" Sarah asked, spinning around when she realised that her friend was nowhere to be seen.

"Couric and the others will see to her safe return," he replied crisply. "I think it is time you and I had a discussion."

"I _told_ you I was on a night out, what part of 'NOT NOW' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?" she snapped.

"I am a KING! I do not wait on foul-mouthed mortals who do not know their proper place!" he barked back.

"Oh, I am sooooo sorry, Your Majesty," Sarah bowed dramatically. "Please do tell me what is so important, then you can take me right back to the club."

He sneered down at her, "You have had more than enough fun for one evening. That last stunt just got you grounded sweetheart."

"Grounded? I'M NOT TWELVE, you patronising fucking fairy!" she shrieked.

He reached forward and grabbed her arm again. "WATCH. YOUR. MOUTH!"

"Or what?" she harped up at him, their eyes challenging one another. "And take your bloody hands off of me, I've seen them wander far and wide, and on many an odious creature!"

At that comment, Jareth paused, her words reminding him of one of the things he wished to discuss. He moved closer, enclosing Sarah's other arm in his grip as he leaned in. "Why, Sarah," he questioned, his voice suddenly whisper soft. "Could it be jealousy I detect in your voice?"

"Not really, not that I wasn't put off by your fawning over Crystal. Then I remembered who I was dealing with and realised there wasn't much to mourn for, so I got over it!"

Jareth's grip tightened at her words. "Well, you are doing a remarkable job, getting over it, that is," he implied sardonically.

"Jareth, let me go now, I mean it!" she hissed.

"No, I don't think I will. I want to hear more about this 'getting over it' business you are doing so well. I also want to tell you a little story."

"No thanks, it's not really my bedtime."

"Pity. However, let us begin. I was having a nice relaxing evening yesterday with some very pleasant company," he smiled suggestively at her.

Sarah's eyes flashed back at him, but she remained silent.

"And what should occur? A rude interruption by some deviant little miscreant, spying on my leisure."

"Fascinating," Sarah huffed. "Is there a point to this tale of yours?"

"I followed the trail to this very door, where it went cold. Needless-to-say, the only way out from here would be through my chambers, let me show you."

"No thanks, I've been there before."

His eyes narrowed at her confession. "Really? How interesting."

"Hardly! You brought me back here the other evening, didn't you?" Sarah replied, her brain working quickly. His nearness was beginning to unnerve her. Her body was starting to react at the memory of his presence in her personal space.

He leaned forward to breathe in the fragrance of her hair. His thumbs caressing circles on her upper arms as he continued to relate the events of last night.

"On searching my apartments, I was surprised to find no trace of the little spy."

"Outsmarted by a goblin? That doesn't say much for your security Goblin King!"

"On the contrary, no goblin would wash themselves, let alone with vanilla and jasmine."

"And how do you know that?" Sarah enquired, tipping her head further back to avoid his invasive touch.

He leaned back to look at her in surprise. "You have smelled my goblins, haven't you?"

"What does this smell have to do with your intruder?" Sarah pressed.

"Because, _little Sarah_ , that lingering fragrance was detected in my closet when I searched the room, and there is only one person I can recall who carries that scent." His eyes flicked to her hair as his nostrils flared. He leaned in again, his nose nudging back to behind her ear, his lips bussing the sensitive spot below the lobe.

Sarah tried to repress the shudder that ran through her. He really was too good at this. But her ire of the last two days burned brighter than her libido, and that mixed with the fish wine, found Sarah resisting his physical pull.

"So, let me get this straight," she said, her voice even and unaffected. "Because I use the shampoo provided by you, in your castle bathrooms, which happens to smell of jasmine and vanilla, I must be this spy? Sorry, but that's a bit of a leap for me. I can't believe I'm the only guest staying here with access to this shampoo, I'm assuming the toiletries are the same in all the guest suites?"

Jareth paused his ministrations whilst she spoke, unsure of his answer.

"I suggest you check with Tariq, and while you're at it, he can inform you that I was in my room all evening, taking a long, leisurely bath. I'm not your spy Jareth, believe me there is nothing you'd be doing that I'd want to watch!" She shoved him off of herself and started walking down the corridor, towards her own room.

"Not so fast Champion," Jareth called as he strode quickly to catch up with her. "I admit I am perplexed at your frosty attitude towards me, if you are not indeed jealous?"

"It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you treated me like some desperate piece of dirt in front of your Court? If that is how you plan to treat your Queen, you can shove the position!"

"Oh, don't be such a whiny brat, Sarah. You didn't do your research, and Crystal did. She won fair and square, so this is really just a case of bruised pride," Jareth dismissed.

"BRUISED PRIDE? Oh, you would know all about that, _Your Highness_. A little quip and you terrorise someone you claim to be close friends with, and ridicule me in front of the other contestants, your Court, and your family!" Sarah shook her head at his careless attitude, increasing her stride in an attempt to get away from him.

Jareth, however, was not to be deterred. "So, considering our history and your prior knowledge of me, you thought it would be wise to goad my temper with Couric and bake me the most awful cakes, putting no effort into the challenge? That is what your actions showed me Sarah, that I wasn't worth the effort to even make a sodding tea for, and that toying with my possessive nature was just a game to you. Cruel Sarah, very cruel."

"I'm Cruel?... I'M CRUEL? It was a tiny bit of teasing, as your ego was getting way ahead of itself. In less than a week you'd tricked me down here, threatened my brother, attempted to humiliate all us girls a la mass wardrobe malfunction, tried to get into my pants, ignored me, slated my cooking and then ridiculed me by making me look like some desperate fan girl in front of everyone. Do you have _any_ idea how much of a COCK you actually are?"

Jareth snarled at her outburst, "Do you like giving the impression that you are entertaining other men?"

"SERIOUSLY, that's what you took from that?" Sarah threw her hands up in the air. "For fuck's sake, it's the Cleaners ALL OVER AGAIN! Mass overreaction to a tiny bit of teasing. Lighten the fuck up Jareth!"

"Oh, the Cleaners, surprise, surprise, Jareth the villain, blah blah blah. Some truce that was, putting the past behind us and starting anew," Jareth growled, frustration and bitterness evident in every line of his face.

"How dare you call me on betrayal? YOU were the one who, not one day later, was _snogging_ Crystal!" Sarah cried.

"Who said I was 'snogging' Crystal?" he paused, realising that if Sarah wasn't the spy, she probably knew who was. "Answer me Sarah, who told you?" he gripped her arm again to stop her walking further away.

"It doesn't matter, now for the last time, get your fucking hands off of me!" she screamed.

She scrambled out of his hold, putting her hands up to ward him off, when he went to reach for her again.

"I REVOKE permission for you to touch me, Goblin King," she hissed.

Jareth clenched his fists at his side. The urge to throttle this woman was overwhelming.

"I asked you a question," he barked. "Who told you?"

"She did, at breakfast this morning," Sarah lied. Realising it was the closest she came to outing herself as the spy he sought.

"I don't know what she told you, but I have not snogged anyone since you!"

"Whatever, I don't fucking care. I'm not your girlfriend and I have no claim on you. But I have more respect for myself than to fight over a guy in such circumstances as these."

"Sarah-"

"Oh, don't worry, I will continue to put on a show. Can't have you retrieving my brother now, can I?"

"Sarah, listen-"

"No, YOU LISTEN! Whatever this was," she waved her hand indicating the space between them, "is irrelevant now. You don't deserve me. You don't get to have me just because you are King. And I'm not judging you on ten years ago, I'm basing this from your behaviour this week." Sarah snorted a laugh and shook her head. "I should be grateful, I was this close," she held up her hand indicating a paper-thin gap between her thumb and forefinger, "to giving in to you. But I won't make that mistake again."

Jareth glared back at her, every muscle in his body tensing.

"You have had your say, now you will listen to ME. You are in a competition, accept it. I cannot show favouritism in the competitions. If you want to win so badly, you make the effort, period. I was not pretending on our night out, and I am not about to be told, by some jumped-up brat, whom I can and cannot court. I am King, you are a guest, know your place, and NEVER presume to lecture me again!"

"Fine."

"Fine?" Jareth asked, nonplussed.

"Yes, fine. Goodnight, Your Majesty." She smiled tightly and threw open the door to her bedroom, where they had just arrived.

"Sar-ah," Jareth warned. "Remove the restrictions you have just placed on me."

"Oh, I don't think so," she shook her head, her grin getting uglier.

"Sarah, I am not playing with you!"

"You're right, you're not," she sassed back.

"If that's the way you are going to behave, so be it!" he hissed, pinning her with his icy glare. "Don't say I didn't warn you!" He stormed off down the corridor.

"I would tell you to go fuck yourself!" she called after his retreating form, "BUT YOU'D PROBABLY ENJOY IT!" She slammed the door loudly enough that it was likely heard on the other side of the castle.

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 _AN:_ Ah, the course of true lust never runs smooth. Please leave a review to let me know what you think : )

 ** _References:_**

All Hooked Up (2001) written by Shaznay Lewis and Karl Gordon

My Way (1968) written by Paul Anka and Paul FranÇois

Tess of the d'urbervilles (1891) by Thomas Hardy

 ** _Recommendations_** **:**

Fledgling by J R Godwin has been completed. I started it a while ago and have not read it all yet, so have not reviewed. But from what I have read so far, this one's a keeper on the fav list.

In case I have not recommended these yet, if I haven't then I need a slap:

'Immortal Ties' and 'Look What You Made of Me' by LoveandStardust19

The writing is excellent, the characterisations superb and just the right amount of darkness that brings the children's film into the adult world, without betraying the original characterisations.


	17. Chapter 17 - The Fight Autopsy

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to Labyrinth, all original characters owned by Henson et al.

AN: As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

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Sarah's sleep that night was fitful as she kept replaying her argument with Jareth over and over again. She was so mad she wanted to go for a good run to work off all the aggression she was feeling, but without Hoggle around, she didn't want to venture through the secret tunnels from her suite. Knowing her luck, she would end up in the dungeons, the bog, or even worse… Jareth's room!

It must have been three o'clock in the morning when she found herself in bed and cradled on a silk shirt clad chest, a hand stroking her arm in a soothing pattern. Instead of feeling panicked, she felt relaxed, her heartrate as even as that resounding from the chest she laid on.

"How are you feeling now, precious?" Jareth's voice rumbled next to her ear.

"Numb, worn out… drained I guess," Sarah answered, her voice strangely calm. She put her lack of alarm at their position down to exhaustion.

"You know he only gets mad and acts out because he cares for you," Jareth commented, his tone gentle and soothing.

Sarah raised her head to look up at the Goblin King. "Oh please, you're speaking of yourself in the third person to avoid taking responsibility for your part in the row. That's such a schoolboy move."

"Even so, it is the truth," he replied, lifting the hand that was not stroking her arm to push her hair back behind her ear, as she watched at him.

"I must be dreaming, you're never this nice during the day," Sarah scoffed, bringing her hands together to rest under her chin as she continued to stare at him.

He grinned at her comment and inclined his head. He appeared totally fascinated with touching her. His touch was attentive, gentle, but not necessarily sexual in nature.

"You are so fierce when you're cross, it's easy to forget that you're soft hearted underneath. A mistake I have made on more than one occasion," he said, smoothing his thumb across her cheek as he continued to caress her bare arm with his other hand.

"Why are you here, Jareth?" Sarah asked, confused by the openness of his gaze. Jareth was many things, but unguarded around her, was not one of them.

"I felt you had need of me," Jareth responded, his thumb brushing higher to relieve her eyelashes of the moisture that had gathered there during her sleep.

They were not tears, no, Sarah Williams was not a crier, nope, nuh-uh.

Sarah shrugged, "I thought my last words to you were 'to go fuck yourself.'"

"You always push people away when you need them the most. I am here and I am sorry, Sarah. It was never my intention to hurt you like this."

"Yes, it was," she replied. "You were jealous and spiteful, and determined to make me feel something. If not hurt, then I don't understand what your end game is. I thought older dudes were supposed to be smart?!"

"As I said, I was blinded by my own feelings and did not take stock of yours," Jareth replied, his gaze turning serious as his hands paused in their ministrations.

"Now I know I'm dreaming. Is there any way I can swap you with the real Jareth?" Sarah quipped.

Jareth threw back his head and chuckled. "Mmm, what a _wanker_!"

Sarah sputtered a laugh at his unexpected comment, whilst he pulled her back down to his chest.

"Rest now, precious," he soothed as he began to stroke her arm again, the other hand wrapped around her waist. He placed a soft kiss on the top of her head and whispered, "Don't give up on me, Sarah."

Sarah jolted awake and looked around the room. Pale moonlight shone through the balcony window, illuminating the interior and confirming she was alone. She drew her knees up to her chest and rested her brow on them. This place was severely messing with her head, the sooner she got out of here, the better.

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Following the argument between the Goblin King and the Labyrinth Champion, Couric and Galen found their monarch propped up at the bar of the Jolly Gobbler, nursing a tankard of goblin ale and a bottle of dragon-fire malt whiskey. He had foregone the shot glass.

Approaching the bar with a nonchalant swagger, Couric paused by Hoggle and Sir Didymus, who were sitting at the opposite end to Jareth, cradling their own tankards.

"How long has he been here?" Couric asked.

"Was 'ere when we arrived, hasn't said a word, just waved for refills," Hoggle responded.

"Has Miss Briggs been safely returned to the castle?" Galen enquired.

"The other fair maiden has been returned to her suite, although we saw no sign of the Champion. I do hope she is alright," Sir Didymus said, taking a sip of his drink and giving a forlorn sigh.

Couric nodded in acknowledgement and headed over to the Goblin King.

"So," Couric said cheerfully, sliding onto the stool next to Jareth. "It went well then?"

Jareth's response was to kick Couric's stool from underneath him, before taking a swig of the dragon-fire.

Couric scrambled back up onto his now righted stool and summoned Elmo to bring two goblin ales, seeing as Galen couldn't speak for his trademark giggle shrieking.

"That bad?" Couric inquired, frowning at Jareth's tight-lipped expression, but not missing his despondent gaze. "Stars, Jareth! The castle staff are gossiping about the blazing row you had, but surely it wasn't as bad as all this?"

"I don't understand mortal women, Couric," Jareth sighed, he pushed his gloved hand through his hair and maintained the grip. "This competition is going to take every last bit of sanity I have. Bring back the good old days of runners every five minutes and my parents nagging for grandchildren!"

"You should have just given her the night to blow off some steam and calm down. Pulling a woman out of a club on a girls' night, I hear, is a suicidal move unless you plan on shagging them senseless to make up for it," Couric responded.

"There will be no shagging," Jareth grumbled, taking a few more gulps from the dragon-fire bottle, a move that had Couric raising his eyebrows. "The wench revoked my right to touch her, and I cannot see her jumping into my arms again any time soon."

"Well, it's not as if you don't have seven other options to choo-"

"Susan Briggs?"

"It's not as if you don't have six other options to choose from," Couric reaffirmed.

Jareth's face twisted in displeasure at the thought. "If you'd said this to me a week or so ago, I would've heartily 'greed with you!" Jareth hiccupped, pointing a wobbly finger at Couric, the dragon-fire finally kicking in.

Couric glanced at the bottle and decided to join his liege. He summoned another bottle from Elmo; but he wasn't drunk enough yet to forgo the delicacy of a shot glass, he was not a monster.

"However, that would have been before her _challenge_ ," Jareth hissed. "Damned dress, damned walk, damned S'rah!"

"So, no one else will do then?" Couric asked.

"She doesn't deserve me!" Jareth snorted in derision. "Double standard, jumped-up, foul-mouthed termagant!" he roared, slamming his tankard on the table after draining it, but waving Elmo away when he came to refill it.

"Well, I don't recommend writing her poetry with those lines," Galen suggested, helping himself to his own shot of dragon-fire.

"Oh, it's _fine_ for her to flaunt _her_ knowledge of one of my friends' rooms in my f-face," Jareth declared, his tone laced with biting sarcasm.

Couric suddenly looked very interested in the contents of his shot glass, hoping the King would be moving on from this point quickly.

"It's _okay_ for her to provoke my jealousy and dismiss me as some kind of laughable toy!" Jareth's voice was growing in volume again. "But _noooo_ , it's not okay for me to go about my duties and award another woman, who won fair and square I might add, an evening's entertainment with me. Oh, no no no no!" Jareth waggled his finger, his voice a satirical sing song of vitriol. "It's HER FAULT I have to go through all of this in the first place. But no, _I_ am treating _her_ with disrespect! _I'm_ the one who is provoking _her_ jealousy and embarrassing _her_ in front of the Court. HA!"

"Appears simple to me, you both don't feel as if you are right for each other. Sounds like there is nothing to it. Pick someone else," Couric stated, smirking around his glass as he waited for the fireworks.

Jareth's roar caused the entire pub to go silent. "SOMEONE ELSE? SOMEONE… ELSE! I would love to choose someone else. But that blasted wench is so far under my skin nothing short of death is going to erase her," Jareth's shoulders suddenly sagged and he placed his head in his hands.

Hoggle and Sir Didymus began hedging over, to better hear what Jareth had to say.

"I just wanted to give her nice things. Like dragon-hide corsets, heeled footwear, multiple orgasms… It's not fair," Jareth almost whimpered.

Couric's mouth hung open in shock. He knew his King was taken with the mortal, but he didn't realise it was this serious.

"Okay, so someone else is not an option. We need to work on how you can go about winning her over… again." Couric said.

"S'too late Couric, s-sanctimonious she-devil won't give me the time of day. Oh, she will make an effort in the competitions, for her brother's sake, no less! Not mine, no. But other than that, apparently I have had all of her that I will ever touch!"

"Nonsense," Sir Didymus interjected, unable to bear seeing anyone in distress, even his temperamental Sire. "She is angry, as are you, I might add. Give her space for a few days to calm down. Be courteous, but do not crowd her."

"We need a more… subtle approach," said Couric, nodding in agreement.

"Such as?" Galen asked.

Jareth was struggling to lift his glass to his lips, resorting to lowering his head to his glass on the bar.

Couric looked over at his King and friend. "Well, when all else fails…"

"Tighter trousers!" chorused the loyal subjects.

At that moment, Jareth's constitution gave up the ghost and he crashed from his stool, out cold. Fortunately, though not for the dwarf, he had a soft landing….

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The next morning found Sarah and the Goblinerettes in the training room. The circus nymphs were due to arrive in an hour, but the girls had headed down early as more than a few of them were concerned about the pole dancing contest.

"How on earth are we supposed to get to pro-level in a couple of weeks? After the last session, it feels like every time I cough, I've been kicked in the solar plexus," wailed Chun.

"I couldn't even sit up in bed this morning, had to roll out onto all fours," remarked Crystal.

"I'm so getting eliminated. I get nauseous sitting on a carousel, how the hell am I supposed to spin round on a pole?" muttered Jaime.

"I do not understand, he cannot expect us to be as good as ze girls from the Moulin Rouge after just a few practice sessions," complained Sabine in her husky French accent.

"Look guys, it's going to be okay. You don't have to be flying around like Cirque de Soleil performers to do pole dancing. It doesn't have to be raunchy, and it doesn't have to be acrobatic," Sarah offered.

She had decided that morning that she was going to be a team player. The prize had somewhat lost its appeal and she wanted to get through the next three weeks or so without feeling bullied. With regards to pole dancing, she had overheard similar concerns from the girls at the first session with the circus nymphs. She realised this was something she could help the other girls with, and hopefully change their opinion that she was an opportunistic two-faced cow.

"How come you know so much about pole dancing, _Champion?_ " Rhiannon asked.

The sarcastic tone wasn't missed by Sarah. However, she refused to retaliate in kind, and pushed forward with her peace-making agenda. One she had shared with a surprised Susan earlier that morning.

"I've been doing it for about a year and a half as a means to keep fit. I don't make a living out of it or anything like that, not that I have an issue with those that do, and I've only performed in front of my class," Sarah explained.

"So, what made you take it up, apart from being an exhibitionist?" Jamie sneered.

 _High road, high road_ , Sarah kept mentally chanting. "I was in a car accident about three years ago and found that this form of exercise keeps me limber and free from back pain."

"Great, another thing she can do well. She's going to win this one hands down too!" complained Chun.

"Not everything, her cakes sucked!" scoffed Jaime.

"Hey bitches, I can pole dance too you know!" snarked Shante.

"Why am I _not_ surprised?" Susan said, rolling her eyes.

"That's great Shante. What do you say, shall we share our skills with the others? Show that glitter puff what the Winners of the Labyrinth are made of?" Sarah suggested.

"I guess, although some talent is just innate," Shante purred.

"Fuck! That's a big word for you, Latimore" Susan quipped.

Shante just kissed her teeth at Susan and stripped down to her leopard print underwear, causing gasps and the odd 'Urgh' from the rest of the Goblinerettes.

"That would be really cool if you'd help us, Sarah," Crystal ventured. "I have to admit, this challenge has me a bit apprehensive."

"No problem! Believe it or not, I wasn't trying to undermine you guys at the fashion show. I was just pissed off with _him_ and wanted to take a stand. I didn't exactly plan for what happened next."

"Whatever, Champion," said Rhiannon. "Show us what you got!"

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Jareth had awoken that morning in a terrible state. His head was throbbing and the sinking feeling of despondency began to nibble away at his memories from the previous evening. With a loud groan, he rolled over and then groaned again when he saw Couric, sitting in a chair pulled up next to his bed, brandishing the traditional hangover gruel.

"Morning, Sunshine!"

"Fullgeroff," Jareth grumbled through hands that were currently curled over his face.

"Come, come, come. We have a realm to run, a contest to announce, a Champion to woo!"

Jareth stilled at the last part of Couric's speech.

"What are you talking about?" Jareth sneered, reaching out for the goblet of hangover cure and bringing himself into a sitting position.

"You know, the plan."

"What plan?"

"The _plan_ , plan. As in the plan we formulated last night to encourage the Champion back into your arms, and hopefully, onto your throne."

At these words Jareth spewed the hangover cure all over his faithful subject, as well as half the bedding.

"What, in the name of the gods, did I drink last night?" Jareth shouted. Centuries of composure completely shattered in the last twenty-four hours due to a dark-haired, green-eyed mortal.

Couric was frantically patting down his shirt with a lace handkerchief, grimacing at the state of his spattered shoes. "The Underground knows how much you had before I arrived, but you managed to polish off a bottle of dragon-fire as well as a tankard of goblin ale, at least."

Jareth groaned before Couric had finished speaking. "What is she doing to me? Please tell me there was no singing."

"Well, not from you, but I do remember a provocative little number about a piece of ass and something along the lines of you're not getting none-"

Couric ducked as the empty goblet sailed past his shoulder.

"Your Majesty, Jareth. To cut a rather long, drunken and rambled story short, we agreed last night-"

"We?"

"The boys and I-"

"What boys?"

"Galen, Hoggle, Sir Didymus and myself-"

"Hogwart? Oh Stars, please don't tell me the fate of my love life is in the hands of an incompetent, treacherous dwarf?"

"An incompetent, treacherous dwarf who so happens to have the ear of said maiden you are trying to woo, AND," Couric raised his voice to intercept yet another interruption from his King, "…someone who is committed to keeping said maiden happy and in the running to help rule the Kingdom. He appears to be under the impression that she will be a good influence on you. I, however, following my recent case of vertigo, have my doubts about that!"

"Right,' Jareth said, his hangover cured and his attention now focused. "What hare-brained scheme have you imbeciles concocted this time?"

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At that moment, in another part of the castle, Sarah was situated toward the top of a pole, balancing with just her thighs gripping the pole and her back arched with her arm outstretched.

"I'm never going to be able to do that!" stated Crystal.

"Sure you are," Sarah said. "It's all about technique, you don't need to be a gymnast to do this."

"It's alright for you Sarah," complained Rhiannon, "You have legs like a baby giraffe, I was blessed with child bearing hips and thunder thighs!"

"Then this move should be easier for you. Believe me, having a little extra meat at the top of your legs makes it easier to grip the pole. No complaints, no excuses, let's get you guys climbing."

"I am not good with heights, any chance I could do that manoeuvre lower down ze pole?" asked Sabine.

"Sure, climb using your right leg against the pole, then pull the pole towards you—that will give you the force required to lift yourself up. You can then get into the 'sit position' from here. It's the same move, you just cut out the extra climb," Sarah explained, assisting Sabine into the sit position. "That's it now, cross your legs around the pole and extend your legs. Good! Now twist your hips to the side so you have extra grip… That's it, great, lean back and release your weaker hand from the pole."

Sabine assumed the position looking nervous.

"That's it, now lower the other hand on the pole… A bit more and lay back into a straight line… Almost there, now extend the other arm out behind you and throw your head back."

"Wow Sabine! That looks fucking amazing," gasped Jamie.

"There you have it, one beautifully posed Goblinerette!" Sarah cried.

"Forget Satine of ze Moulin Rouge, I am Sabine of ze Goblin Kingdom," she cried, whilst the other girls squealed and clapped.

Susan stood there with her hands on her hips but her lips were curled upwards in a crafty smile. "Gotta hand it to you, Princess. When you set your mind to something…"

Sarah smiled at her friend's hushed comments and moved back towards the pole.

"Okay, that was great. Once you have all perfected the sit, you can incorporate it into any part of your routine. It gives you a chance to catch your breath and also helps when you need to take a moment to remember your routine."

Sarah put one hand up above on the pole and stood beside it. "Now, I'm going to show you some basic spins. You can then use a combination of these to make up a routine."

"That sounds a bit raunchy," Chun said.

"Not at all, a lot of the spins are actually quite pretty, think dancing or floating rather than a striptease," Sarah said, as she stepped into the sun dial move and spun round gracefully, each leg bent at the knee to give her legs the effect of a wheel spinning gently and slowly round the pole. She landed gracefully in a kneeling position.

"Ohmigosh! That looks so cute!" cried Jamie.

"You see, no slutty-ness involved. There are lots of ways you can sex it up, which I can show you later or better still, Shante can demonstrate for us. But for the time being, I want to start you off with the basics. This next one I'm going to show you is a basic step and hook…"

Sarah took the girls through a number of simple moves. By the time the circus nymphs had arrived, Sarah had the Goblinerettes working on a selection of spins including the showgirl, the baby fireman, the chair, Tinkerbell, the Concorde, the fairy, and, of course, the sun dial.

At the end of the session with the circus nymphs, and following fifteen minutes of stretches, the girls wandered over to Sarah, each had a beaming smile on her face.

"Gee, Sarah. That was great, do you think we could do a few more demonstrations?" Crystal asked.

"Sure, but give your muscles some recovery time, you don't want to get injured. Also, think about the track you want to use for your routine. Remember that you're still relatively new to this, so the shorter the track, the less you have to do to complete the challenge. Aim for something between 3-5 minutes, unless you are feeling ambitious," Sarah shared. She smiled as each girl approached her and gave her a high five. Things were starting to look up!

"So, Princess, shall we head back for a shower and then head over to the South Meadow? I hear they have set up archery practice as part of the 'amusements,'" Susan air quoted with a roll of her eyes.

"Sure-"

"Miss Williams!" Tariq called as he hurried over to the girls.

"You go on ahead, I'll catch up," Sarah replied, meeting Tariq halfway whilst she rolled her shoulders.

"Miss Williams, I have a message for you from Hoggle," he said, his eyes lowering to avoid looking at her barely clad form. She was kitted out in a pair of hot pants and a crop top.

"Oh…okay."

"He asks if you would mind popping over to the stables, he has to help groom the horses for the ride this afternoon."

"Sure, I'll just get changed," she offered.

"Ah, no need, I have a cloak you can borrow." Tariq proffered her a lightweight cloak in pale lilac.

"Cool, thanks," Sarah said as she draped the cloak over her shoulders and secured it loosely at the neck.

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Sarah entered the stables not five minutes later, and despite glancing in all of the stalls, and calling his name repeatedly, Hoggle was not to be found.

"What're you up to now, Hoggle?" Sarah mumbled as she reached the last stall and shrugged in defeat. "Okay, Hoggle. I'm heading out now, so time to finish your game of hide and seek."

When she received no response, Sarah headed back to the entrance of the stable block, and stopped dead in her tracks—across the yard was none other than the Goblin King. Not just _any_ Goblin King, no. This was a _half-naked_ Goblin King, covered in sweat and wearing nothing but a pair of sinful black leggings that looked almost painted on. He appeared to be unaware of her presence as he approached the large barrel of water and dipped his head into it. Re-emerging in a dramatic fashion, he flicked his hair in an arc over his head so it sprayed water all down his chest and back. His eyes were closed and an angelic smile lit up his features. All that was missing was a sexy electric guitar riff.

Sarah's mouth hung open like a goldfish. She couldn't have been more surprised if a gang of goblins had can-canned in front of her, singing the theme tune to the _Golden Girls_.

Jareth's hands raked his hair back, as Sarah watched the water sluice down his chest and disappear along the v shaped muscle into his pants. Said pants were riding so low she could see his hip bones, and her mouth watered at the spectacle in front of her. Right at that moment, Jareth paused, appearing to sense eyes on him. Sarah wasted no time in jumping behind the stable door, crouching low and looking through a gap in the wood.

Jareth glanced around himself and then stretched his arms up behind his neck, flexing his stomach muscles and then shaking his hair out.

"Poser," she mumbled, but she didn't avert her gaze from the wealth of goodies on display.

Jareth smiled to himself and then turned and headed back the way he came.

 _I wonder what he's looking so pleased about!_

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Sarah entered the suite she shared with Susan, still caught up in the show she had just witnessed.

"Jesus, Sarah! What happened to you?" asked a surprised Susan, who was curled up on the chaise in her dressing gown.

"I think I just saw the Goblin King take a Diet Coke Break!"

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AN - 'I just wanna make…love to you!" Bwahahaha, sorry couldn't resist the old Diet Coke Break insert! If you are unfamiliar, load up YouTube and type in Diet Coke Break advert 1995.

OK so, there you have it! Another chapter in the continuing saga that is the Goblinerette. I'm not sure if this fic could get any more bi-polar, but I will give it a go.

Acknowledgements:

To my beta KBates who has provided more than just editing duties, keeping the compass pointing north and listening to the differing dilemmas and scenarios, so I could get myself in the position to write this chapter.

Pika La Cynique - whose cartoon GND Flashback - Drunken bird-wizards (over on DeviantArt) was the inspiration for the scene where Jareth was crying into his beer. Love her work, all of it, may she continue to doodle.

All those authors who have written Jareth in a dreamscape sequence. I know it is not a new plot device in Labyrinth fanfiction, and I am not yet prepared to let on whether it is him, her imagination, or something else that is providing these nocturnal visits. The only people who know are myself and KBates. So, the secret will remain safe until later in the fic. Unless of course you try to tempt my beta with some patron, the jury is out whether that will work… : )

Recommendations:

The Weight is Over by Redwood Manning - the first fat Jareth fic (at least that I have seen) and it is off to a flying start. Obviously if this is a trigger for you then best avoided. However, it's nice to see we can have a cuddly Jareth fic and not just cuddly Sarah fics - Yay equality!

Ghosts and Goblins by JadziVu - Dark, gritty and stark - loving it. Ellen Weaver has even given it kudos, so if that is not an endorsement, I don't know what is. However, note this one contains references to drug use, so again if this is a trigger, best avoided.

Not Always What They Seem by Elfalas - Just read it, I'm not going to spoil the surprise Bwhahahahaha

Tanglewood - Visciously Witty has posted again, and this fic has it all - adventure, suspense, well researched mythology and UST that is off the chart.


	18. Chapter 18 - Sexual Warfare

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to Labyrinth, all original characters owned by Henson et al.

AN: As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

This chapter is for Tenjp, who is good at gently nudging me when a chapter is overdue. So, Happy Birthday, you got your wish, another chapter this month – just!

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" _I think I just saw the Goblin King take a Diet Coke Break!"_

"What are you going on about?" Susan asked, scrambling to an upright position and appraising her friend.

"I just saw Jareth…half naked…covered in sweat…muscles rippling…" Sarah's voice had taken on a dreamy quality.

"I think I just threw up in my mouth!" Susan coughed.

"Oh, never mind!" Sarah growled, pushing off from the door to their suite and heading towards her room. "I'm going to take a shower." _A cold one!_ "Do you mind if I take a rain-check on the archery? I had a shit night's sleep and feel a headache coming on."

"Sure! Shall I just meet you at the stables for the ride?" Susan asked.

"To be honest, I could do with some me-time, just a few hours without having to deal with the competition. Can you cover for me?"

"Yeah, whatever you need, Princess. You've been going from one extreme to the other since we got here. To be honest, I've been waiting for a meltdown of epic proportions."

"Well, I think it arrived last night! Can you tell Tariq I have a migraine and want to sleep it off? Be sure to wait 'til just before the ride, in case he tries sending over some magic potion to make me feel better. Tell him I should be fine to join the pizza party this evening, but only _if_ I get some rest first."

"Okay, I'm gonna get dressed and head out. I'll be at the archery field if you change your mind. Just so you know, I may even be tempted to let my aim stray towards certain blond pretty boys."

"Easy Katniss. So, who's gonna get it, Couric or Jareth?"

"Both are worth points, as far as I'm concerned."

"Thanks Detroit, you're the best!" Sarah laughed.

"Don't you forget it!" Susan quipped as she headed into her own bedroom.

"Not going to have much of a fucking choice when our memories are wiped, are we?!" Sarah called out.

"So you'll have to make it up to me before we get our asses kicked out of here!"

"I could always bake you a cake?" Sarah suggested.

The only response was a gagging noise, followed by Susan's cackling.

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After showering, Sarah felt too restless to sleep. Deciding on a swim, she grabbed a bag with a swimsuit and towel and headed down towards the castle swimming pool. It was an elaborate affair with mosaic flooring and vaulted ceilings, painted with murals depicting various scenes from Underground history. It reminded Sarah of the Roman baths she had visited in England. Observing the artwork while floating on her back, she enjoyed the relaxing, muffled sounds of the water as she lay partially submerged.

To say she felt drained would be an understatement. In all honesty, she was incredibly embarrassed when she learned from Dotty, their goblin wake-up-call slash hangover gruel providing servant, that her argument with Jareth was the talk of the Castle. She was not normally so shrewish; in fact, she hadn't been herself since she returned to the Underground. She supposed she could blame the alcohol, she had been hitting it a bit recently—however, the common denominator in all this, was _Jareth_. He always managed to draw such strong reactions from her, and by all accounts, she seemed to do the same to him.

This time yesterday, she had been determined to give him the cut direct. If he wanted to be childish and cop off with all the other girls here, then let him. She didn't need the hassle of worrying whether her man was going to be faithful or not. She knew they hadn't really done much in terms of the physical, but although she was a modern girl, Sarah wasn't in the habit of getting intimate with someone unless they were in an exclusive relationship. How on earth could Jareth be considered exclusive when there was a team of concubines vying for his attention every five minutes?! And he seemed to be enjoying it too, the bastard!

Then there was the row…instead of feeling indifferent, she'd wanted to hurt him, his ego primarily. She'd just wanted him to see what he was doing to her—when that had failed, she'd decided to make him feel as insignificant to her as she appeared to be to him. He obviously didn't care about her feelings, but he certainly did about his own. She'd wanted a strong reaction, and at that point, she hadn't cared which one.

After her dream visitation, she found herself wanting to give him another chance. She liked her dream version of Jareth and maybe, just maybe, after all this bollocks with the contest was over, there might be a chance for her to get to know the _real_ Jareth. After all, _real_ Jareth might be more like _dream_ Jareth and less like douche Jareth. Unfortunately, upon waking up, the memories of the previous night's row came back to her and she resigned herself to the 'it's not fucking worth it' principle once again. Instead, she decided to put herself in a stronger position, not just with Jareth, but with the other girls as well. She would not tolerate being vilified—it was enough that Jareth had made her miserable, she wasn't going to let those girls make her miserable too.

This had been working well for her, and she'd felt better, right up until the scene in the stable yard. Seeing Jareth shirtless, wearing the tightest trousers known to man had done something to her libido on a basic, primal level. All previous resolutions had gone flying out of the window once she realised she just wanted to lick him, inch by inch! A level of possessiveness went straight to her gut and her legs just turned to jelly.

Horrified, she hoped his appearance was just a coincidence, and that Jareth hadn't resorted to sexual warfare. She knew she had her own weapons, and had already given a demonstration of them during the fashion show. But she was smart enough to know that _that_ route would only escalate matters and lead to either severe sexual frustration or hot monkey sex. Neither were avenues she felt brave enough to traverse.

So here she found herself, at least until she got her raging hormones under control, making excuses and faking illness to avoid Jareth at all costs. If he pulled another _shirtless-in-the-stables_ stunt before she got a grip on herself, she might as well strip herself off, bend down over his throne with a post-it note on her arse, declaring 'park your bike here, Goblin King!'

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"Ladies, wonderful that you could join us for the tour, on horseback no less, around the Goblin City and outer grounds," Tariq announced, welcoming the Goblinerettes.

Right on cue, Jareth appeared from around the corner of the stable block, mounted on the equivalent of a white Andalusian horse. The graceful horse reared majestically as Jareth stayed mounted. He wore a billowing shirt with exceptionally tight breaches and maroon coloured dragon-hide riding boots. His hair was loose and he carried a bejewelled riding crop.

"Bloody hell! This is straight out of a 'Mills and Boon' novel!" exclaimed Rhiannon.

The Goblinerettes started nodding in agreement, with much gasping and squealing at the spectacle before them.

"He does appear to be laying it on a bit thick," muttered Galen to Couric, who were observing from across the yard.

"That's the plan, Galen. That is the plan!" Couric responded.

"Good afternoon, ladies," Jareth drawled, a breath-taking smirk on his features. "I understand that you have all ridden before and are confident with your mounts?" Jareth asked suggestively to the girls, who were all giggling.

"I've had more lethal things between my legs, Your Majesty!" called out Shante.

"So I recall from your run, Miss Latimore!" the Goblin King laughed, appearing to ignore the sarcastic groans from the other Goblinerettes, who were all mounted on their own steads.

In reality, he could see Shante fitting in very well Underground—maybe not so much in the Goblin Kingdom, but the Troll Kingdom would definitely welcome her attributes and approach to situations. Alas, he knew his mother would have an apoplexy if he seriously considered her for the position of Goblin Queen. He sniggered at his thoughts, although he was not personally attracted to the girl, he would certainly be entertained by her scandalous behaviour and the impact it would have on the Court.

Pulling himself from his reverie, Jareth frowned when he realised that not everyone was present.

"Where are Miss Briggs and Miss Williams?" Jareth snapped at Tariq.

"I'm here," called Susan, as she hurried around the corner, an annoyed expression on her face. "I didn't know you had two fucking stables! I went to the other one!"

"And the Champion?" Jareth prompted.

"Ah, she's not feeling well, sends her apologies. She has a migraine and is trying to sleep it off so she can make it to dinner tonight."

Jareth wondered about the truth of the matter, but he wasn't in a position to do anything about it, what with the other girls eagerly awaiting the tour. With a meaningful look at Tariq, he motioned for the girls to follow him. The rear was brought up by Sir Didymus, who sat proudly on top of Ambrosius.

"Hoggle!" Tariq called, once the girls were out of sight.

"Ye called?" Hoggle huffed, hurrying out from the stable block.

"It appears Miss Williams is feeling unwell. Would you mind checking on her?"

"Okay, she in her room?"

"Yes, I believe so. Oh, and Hoggle, please take a pain relief potion with you, we cannot have her missing another mandatory event," Tariq called over his shoulder as he urged his mount to follow the direction of the others.

Hoggle rolled his eyeballs and grumbled as he hurried off. "Since when did gazing at that git's codpiece count as a mandatory event!"

Hoggle decided right then, if it ever _did_ become a mandatory event, he was petitioning for emigration.

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Sarah felt slightly better after her swim, but still unsure on how to approach the next confrontation with Jareth. She couldn't claim illness for the next three weeks.

"Champion, may I have a word?"

Sarah stopped short, surprised to find the High King standing at a window embrasure in the hallway. He was facing the direction of the corridor from where she arrived, it was fairly obvious he had been waiting to intercept her.

"Your Highness," Sarah replied, dipping her head slightly in acknowledgement, as she was so over all the curtseying crap.

"I see you haven't joined the others for the tour of the Goblin Capital?"

"Oh, I…um, had a headache," Sarah responded. On seeing the High King observing her damp hair and swim bag, she continued, "…a quiet swim usually helps."

"I see," he paused. "I can understand your malady. Following disagreements with the High Queen, I usually find myself with a mal de tête as well."

"Oh, you heard about the… disagreement between myself and the King," she stated.

"I did not hear _about_ it, I heard the entire exchange." The King stepped forward and motioned Sarah to walk with him. His eyes focused on the corridor ahead, but his attention keenly fixed on the mortal beside him. "I do hope this… _disagreement_ …hasn't discouraged you from taking part in the competitions?"

"If you heard the exchange, Your Highness, then you already know that I told Jareth, it wouldn't."

"Ah! For the sake of appearances."

"Is there any other reason _why_ things are done in a political court? Although I wouldn't call this a Court, it's more of a reality show train wreck with a petulant bully as the prize!"

The High King stopped walking at her comments, and she instantly berated herself for criticising the man's son in his presence.

"I see you're familiar with some of my son's less attractive traits."

"Lucky me," Sarah quipped under her breath.

"And yet, you're still here."

"Only for my brother's sake! I don't want him returned here because of me. _Extortion_ , another fine trait to add to your son's list," Sarah snapped defensively.

"An _excellent_ one for a politician," the High King responded, seemingly proud.

"And for a husband?" Sarah asked, a challenging gleam in her eyes.

"Speaking from my own experiences, I would say… suicidal."

Sarah burst out laughing as the High King's lips twitched.

"Miss Williams, _Champion_ , I would take it as a personal courtesy if you would reconsider your position, and earnestly attempt to win the competition."

" _What_?! Why would you even want me to win? You've seen the result of my cooking!" Sarah was completely baffled by this request. All this man had seen of her, was her parading around in what was tantamount to dragon-hide underwear, and almost poisoning his son with her muffins.

"I might be taking my life into my hands by telling you this, but the High Queen's cooking could wipe out an entire army—the woman has _terrible_ culinary skills," he shuddered. "They are truly not necessary to be a sufficient ruler."

Sarah snorted, deciding that her original assessment of the man was correct. He was a crackpot! How on earth had he managed to attain and retain his position? Unless, of course, the immortal gig eventually turned him senile. _Note to self, senility tops the 'Immortality Cons' column_.

"We don't just want you to try to _stay_ in the competitions, we want you to _win_ them."

"Yep, I get that. You've still not told me the _why_ though!"

"You subjugated a room full of Court members _and_ managed to affect all other powerful beings present during the fashion show. Although your dress was indeed very fetching, your power was not down to your er...looks. You channelled Underground magic in that room, particularly, that of the Labyrinth—no mortal has ever done so before. In fact, no other being apart from Jareth has _ever_ channelled the Labyrinth. Sarah, you may not have chosen the Labyrinth's subjects, or by default, the Goblin Kingdom, but _it_ has certainly chosen _you_."

"Okay…so let me get this straight. You think I'm the rightful Queen Consort?"

"I do."

"And you want me to win these competitions?"

"It is critical. We cannot unjustly crown you and show favouritism as this is a public contest, so therefore, you must prove to be the strongest of the successful runners," the High King affirmed.

Following the initial shock, Sarah's mind was running a mile a minute. This might just be the opportunity she had been looking for to achieve her goal. "If I decide to do this, I'll require something in return…from you," Sarah declared, drawing herself up taller and putting on her game face.

"Ah, a politician already," the High King smiled.

"I require a wish, a _reward_ if you will, of my own choosing—to be met with no questions asked upon my successful completion of these competitions."

"What is this reward?" the High King asked, his eyes narrowing.

"I'll name my reward after I win and the summons are changed, so you'll just have to wait until then. After all, I certainly don't want hordes of other runners pestering Jareth when his attention should be elsewhere, attending his _other duties_ …"

Sarah's portrayal of possessiveness was necessary so as not to arouse the High King's suspicion regarding the change of summons. She was counting on their longing for grandchildren to obtain this concession—a Labyrinth full of constant runners would indeed interrupt Jareth from getting down to the creation of said offspring.

"Regardless, I would like to know the details of your request. What if it isn't within my power to grant?" The High King attempted to circumvent the Champion's logic with a question of his own.

"I assure you that I wouldn't ask for something that you wouldn't be able to grant. So _nope_ , those are my terms, and they're irrefutable. I mean, that is, if you _are_ serious in wanting me to accept the position of Queen Consort...?" Sarah quickly added, a question to her words. "Should I be offered said position, if I win, of course…" _Not too cocky Williams, not too cocky! He's still a powerful ruler after all!_

"Erm…"

"I hear Shante is really starting to feel at home here-"

"Agreed."

Sarah smiled brightly at the High King as he took leave of her presence. "Good day, Sarah."

"Oh, Your Highness?" Sarah called after him, as he paused and turned to give her his attention. "Forgive me if this is impertinent, but under the circumstances, could I know your name? I'm afraid I haven't heard it yet."

"Certainly, it is Brian."

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Sarah hurried back to her suite, trying to suppress her giggles. _High King Brian—you've got to be fucking kidding me!_

On entering her suite and closing the door, she jumped when she heard Hoggle's gravelly voice-

"There ye are, Sarah!" Hoggle cried. "Where've you been? Been waiting over two hours for ye!"

"Sorry Hoggle, didn't Susan tell you guys I had a headache?"

"She did too, hence me expecting to find ye tucked up in bed!"

"Well, if that's what you expected to find, why did you come here in the first place?" Sarah questioned, throwing her swim bag through her open bedroom door and folding her arms in exasperation.

"Tariq's orders," Hoggle responded glumly. "Here, for yer _headache,_ " he grumbled as he tossed a vial containing the pain relief potion in Sarah's direction.

Sarah quickly caught the vial and her shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry that you had to wait, Hoggle—it was really sweet of you to check up on me. I decided to go for a swim, and then got waylaid on my return."

Hoggle waved her away as she went to give him a hug. "It's alrigh', no need to go all mushy. Got me out of stable duties for the day." The dwarf tried to hide his blush.

"Either way, thank you." Sarah smiled as she put the vial on the mantelpiece. "Speaking of playing hide and seek, what happened to you this morning?"

"What d'ye mean?"

"Well, I came to look for you at the stables, but you weren't there."

"Oh. Oh, then! Erm well, I was there. Did ye go to the right stables?" Hoggle asked, thinking quickly on his feet.

"Is there more than one?"

Hoggle rolled his eyeballs and shook his head. "There were plenty of us there getting the 'orses ready for the ride this afternoon."

"The stables I went to were empty."

"That explains it then," said Hoggle dismissively. Not particularly proud of his part in the episode of Jareth's attempt to lure the Champion.

"So…heard about the row and all," Hoggle prompted.

"Yeah, so did everyone else apparently. Do you mind if we don't talk about it, it will only bring back the headache I've spent all afternoon trying to shift."

"Oh, okay, erm. So…also heard that you've been helping the others with your, erm, what's it called, pole shafting!"

"Dancing! Pole dancing, Hoggle!" Sarah cried in horror. "Is _that_ what people think we're doing?"

Hoggle shrugged and carried on. "Seems strange ye helping the others, what with 'em being in competition with ye."

"I decided to be the bigger person. It's hard enough, constantly looking over my shoulder for the deranged, self-anointed stalker, without having to worry about watching my back for those jealous girls too!"

"Well, don't yous worry, Hoggle's got yer back!" Hoggle reassured Sarah.

"What do you mean? What have you done, Hoggle?" Sarah asked, suddenly suspicious of the dwarf's behaviour.

"Nothing much, just being the helpful individual to the ladies that I am," Hoggle declared, as he fiddled with his jewel bag, avoiding Sarah's gaze.

"Like you were in the Labyrinth, huh?" Sarah smiled at her friend. "Okay Hoggle, spill. What did you do?"

"Just helped them ladies with their ingredients fer the bake thingy."

"How? What ladies?" Sarah thought back to the 'Let them Eat Cake Off' competition. "Crystal, Chun and oh god, Darla?" Sarah gasped, realisation dawning on her.

"That's the ones! They came asking for some ingredients for the recipes they founds in the library, and I just did what any good gardener would do. Provided the produce."

"Really? I didn't know you grow Aboveground marijuana in the Castle gardens?"

"That's just it, we don't. However, I have a source at the Jolly Gobbler, who sometimes travels above and brings back various… _herbs_ , for medicinal purposes o'course."

"Shit Hoggle, those cakes were for the King. You could have gotten into serious trouble over it!"

"Nah, she said she wanted the good stuff, whatever _that_ meant, so I thought to take matters into me own hands, as it were."

"You sabotaged Darla's cakes!" Sarah gasped in surprise at her friend's conniving.

"Well, I may have mixed the herbs with another potent Underground version, gotta keep it fair."

"But what if Jareth or Tariq had found out!"

"Bah! She was a lost cause. Anyways, if I was asked I would just say I thought the girls would list the ingredients. And suggest to Tariq the stupidity of letting 'is Majesty eat things without knowing what was in them. I just assumed-"

"A dangerous assumption to make, Hoggle!" came a deep cutting voice.

Both Sarah and Hoggle jumped at the sound and turned to see the Goblin King, sitting with his legs drawn up on the window seat, looking into a crystal which he promptly vanished before turning to them.

"Your Majesty," Hoggle genuflected. "I was just checking to see how Sarah was feeling, following her headache and absence from the tour."

Jareth glanced from Hoggle to Sarah, taking in her damp hair and non-sleeping attire.

Sarah glared at Hoggle for drawing the King's attention to her absence at the ride.

"How good of you to show your concern, Hoghead. Although, as we can see, the Champion appears to have miraculously recovered from her ailment. So I would say your work here is done."

"Of course, I'll just-"

"Oh, and Hogwart…" Jareth interrupted.

"Yes?"

"Report to the bog for marsh grass collection. The apothecary has managed to run out again due to the alarming increase in the requests for hangover gruel. Seeing as how you are _so good_ at obtaining medicinal herbs, this should be a breeze for you."

At Hoggle's horrified look, Jareth tossed a crystal at the dwarf, who promptly vanished.

"That was mean," Sarah gasped at seeing her friend disappear.

"He knew the consequences if he was caught in that little stunt of his. So, how are you feeling this afternoon, Sa-rah?"

"Peachy."

"Oh good. I would hate to think you were suffering a malady whilst under my care. I do like to take interest in my charges."

"So I've seen," Sarah replied, affecting bored sarcasm.

Jareth paused at Sarah's unwillingness to look at him. She seemed to be fidgeting and her hand was running up and down her opposing arm in reassurance. Seeing the protective mannerism, he took advantage and decided to approach her.

Sarah backed up as Jareth stalked in her direction, her eyes shifting to look for a way out.

Smirking at her skittishness, Jareth carried on past her, leaning in slightly as he did so. "Until tonight," he whispered, before exiting through the suite door.

Sarah shuddered at the goosebumps that rippled over her flesh where the wisps of his hair had touched her bare skin. _Well, at least there wasn't any glitter to clear up._

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"King _Brian_?" Susan gasped. "You're messing with me!"

"Nope! The High King, Jareth's dad, is called _Brian_."

"He's not the High King, he's a _very_ naughty boy!" cried Susan.

Both girls were rolling around their lounge, laughing. Sarah had regaled Susan of her afternoon's adventures, hinting that she may have found a way to get the summons changed, without getting saddled with a promiscuous troll doll in the process.

"Oh, stop it, my tummy's starting to hurt," Sarah gasped, tears streaming down her face as she burst into another fit of giggles.

"You missed one hell of a show this afternoon," Susan said between gasps.

"Why, what happened? Tell me everything," Sarah demanded, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"I won't need to. The camera crew was with us and they filmed the whole thing. Apparently, we get to see the rushes tonight, during the pizza party."

"Shit, speaking of which, we better get a move on," Sarah said, scrambling to her feet when she caught sight of the time.

"No need to dress up, it's going to be like a slumber party in the common room. Although Panternova will be joining us," Susan purred, while shoving her fingers towards her mouth, the universal sign for gagging.

"Panter-what now?" Sarah snorted. "You really need to work on your nicknames for him."

"Seriously, did you see the trousers he was wearing earlier?"

"To be honest, I've spent most of the day trying to forget those damned trousers," Sarah mumbled as she headed back into her own bedroom.

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AN Where would I be without the wonderful KBates, thankyou a ton for the beta service. The Hot Monkey Sex insert was in homage to yourself (cause you coined the phrase! Thought I had better clarify that!)

Great reviews guys, made me smile and I am often intrigued by how different some of you read their situation. I decided to clarify Sarah's POV in this chapter, seeing as though we got Jareth's, admittedly a drunk version, in the previous chapter.

References:

The Life of Brian – Monty Python. Cultural reference really. I don't think there is anyone, at least in the Anglo Saxon speaking parts of the world, who have not seen this film. If you haven't, may I suggest rectifying that immediately.


	19. Chapter 19 - False Drama

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to Labyrinth, all original characters owned by Henson et al.

As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

Where would I be without my fellow bee-gee porn partner in crime, KBates, who has very kindly beta'd this chapter for me. Can't wait for her to publish another chapter of ANYTHING - nudge nudge hint hint : )

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Casually dressed in yoga pants and a sweat top, Sarah headed downstairs to the pizza party with Susan. On their arrival in the Common Room, they were surprised to find it converted into a mini cinema, with sofas and floor cushions spread out for maximum comfort. This, however, was not the biggest surprise. Some of the Goblinerettes had decided to go all-out and glam up, with full make-up; some even wore dresses. Sarah glanced down at her apparel and shrugged. She wasn't going to change now that everyone had noticed them, but she internally kicked herself for not making a bigger effort. She had made a deal with the High King to win these competitions after all.

On noticing Sarah's hesitation, Susan leaned forward to whisper, "You look fine, Princess, don't make it seem you're trying too hard. Not only will it look suspicious to git-face, but it will also set you back again with the others."

Sarah nodded in acknowledgement, but found herself smoothing her top down and tucking a loose wisp of hair behind her ear. "I just feel underdressed," Sarah whispered back.

"You're not. What fucking idiot gets dolled up for a night-in, stuffing pizza and watching a film?"

At that moment, Jareth entered the room, resplendent in dark shiny trousers with a stylishly ruffled shirt, sporting a large diamond broach at the throat. "Well, that answers my question," Susan snarked.

Sarah started to giggle but on seeing it draw Jareth's attention, she quickly averted her gaze and hurried to the sofa at the back of the room.

"Well, it looks as if we are all here. Nice of you to join us, Champion. I trust you have recovered from your malady?" the Goblin King enquired.

"Much better, thank you," Sarah muttered in response.

Jareth took a seat on the central sofa and all the other girls flocked around him, there was some shoving and hissing as to who would sit next to His Majesty.

"Are we all comfortable?" Jareth asked, smirking at the girls who were scattered around him like cushions.

A chorus of 'Yes, Your Majesty!' followed his enquiry.

A team of goblins appeared, supervised by Tariq, each carrying a platter containing pizza, pitchers of juice and carafes of wine. They placed their offerings around the room on the low-rise tables, the majority placed in front of the King, their gazes fixed on the plates with mouths about to drool.

"That will be all," Jareth announced crisply.

Sarah eyed the pizza platter that one of the goblins brought over to her and Susan, she accepted it with thanks and discreetly passed a couple of slices to the puppy-eyed goblin, whose chin was wobbling from being separated from the gooey cheesy snack. On receipt of the treat, he perked up and gave Sarah a huge grin before racing out of the room, followed quickly by the remaining goblins, all squealing and scrapping for their share.

At Jareth's raised eyebrow, Sarah feigned innocence and continued to make further selections.

"Why Sarah and Susan, you cannot possibly be comfortable all the way over there. Come and join the party," he encouraged, his tone light and playful.

Sarah rolled her eyeballs, but both she and Susan moved forward to sit on the sofa adjacent to the letch pit that Jareth had casually set up.

"Before we watch the rushes from today's activities, I thought we would take a trip down memory lane and watch something that I think you will all enjoy," he purred.

With that, the opening sequence of _THAT_ film appeared on the screen, much to the delight of the Goblinerettes. Well, almost all. Susan did nothing to hide her yawn and settle down further into the sofa, whereas Sarah raised her eyebrows in affected boredom and took another bite of her pizza.

"I think it's only fair we swap chairs throughout the evening, that way we all get to spend time with His Majesty," Rhiannon whined.

"You're only saying that cause you're sitting on the floor!" Chun remarked sarcastically.

"Well, it eez only right we all get to spend time with 'im," Sabine stepped in.

"What an excellent suggestion! Champion, seeing as you have been deprived of my company today, unlike the other ladies, please swap with Miss Ng so I can share my attention equally amongst you all."

"There's really no need-"

"Oh, but I insist."

Growling low enough that only Susan could hear, Sarah placed her pizza back on the plate and made her way over to Jareth, noticing Susan's muffled laugh and subsequent whisper, "Remember the bigger picture!"

"Well, isn't this cozy?" Jareth smiled at his Champion once she had seated herself next to him, being careful to leave at least a foot gap between them.

Sarah smiled weakly and returned her attention to the film.

As the evening progressed, Sarah took the ribbing from the other girls with relatively good grace. And _boy_ did they not leave off, laughing and scoffing at everything—from when the on-screen Sarah remarked that it 'wasn't fair,' to comments about her clothes and her restraint at not jumping Jareth when the tunnel scene came on. At that, Sarah rolled her eyes, commenting, "Guys, I was _fifteen_ , that would have made His Majesty a pedo, remember?"

At Jareth's scowl, the girls burst out laughing.

"Hell, there wasn't much I didn't know about at that age! I would've played him at his own game, Champion. If he's as honourable as all that, he would've poofed off pretty quick!" Shante quipped.

"I _do not_ poof off!" Jareth sulked as the girls broke into another bout of laughter. "I think it's time I summon Tariq to remove the wine," Jareth grumbled.

Sarah was still laughing but leant forward and threw a napkin at his shoulder. "Oh, lighten up! If I can sit back and take a roasting over being a fifteen-year-old whinge-pot with abandonment issues, the least you could do is take it on the chin regarding your questionable distraction techniques."

"There was nothing questionable regarding my behaviour towards you."

"Did you look in the mirror when you put on those grey pants that day?" Sarah asked.

"Well, aren't you just innocence personified. Taking a little peak were we, _Sa-rah_?" Jareth began, his eyes wide with feigned shock.

"That doesn't explain the whole lean-in, does it, _Jar-eth?"_ Sarah retorted, imitating his irritating tone of voice.

"Jeez you two, just get groiny and be done with it already! You sound like a married couple," Susan remarked, watching the show on the couch along with the other girls.

Sarah started sputtering, feeling a tad betrayed by her wingman. Whereas Jareth's mouth turned upwards into a feline grin. "What do you say Sarah, fancy working off a little bit of that repressed tension?"

"I am NOT repressed!" Sarah cried indignantly.

"When was the last time you got laid girl? Coz I have to admit, you seem so uptight I'm wondering if it's sealed itself shut," Shante commented.

"Yes, Sarah. Do tell us when the last time was that you exercised your inner vixen?" the Goblin King drawled.

"Well, let's see… When was that night I fell into Couric's suite, Susan?" Sarah asked her friend.

"That would be three nights ago, Princess," Susan answered blandly.

"I guess it would be then," Sarah replied, an innocent grin pasted across her features.

"Wow, Sarah you know the rules. You're not supposed to be fraternizing with other fae whilst in the competitions," Crystal commented.

Jareth's expression was tight, he didn't believe that Sarah had gotten up to anything funny with Couric, as he had already dealt with that. But that she would choose to imply so, especially in front of the others, left him looking like a fool if he openly chose to pursue her.

"Relax guys, I didn't break any rules. It was the night of the fashion show, remember? The theme of the outfit required exercising my 'inner vixen' as His Majesty so eloquently puts it." Sarah smiled, leaning forward to take another slice of pizza.

Jareth saw his chance and took it. Later he would admonish himself a little for the underhand tactic. But maybe that would teach the little vixen that she was not the only one who could play dirty.

Sarah felt her seat cushion tip rather violently, and the next thing she knew she had landed on Jareth, both of her hands gripping his thighs tightly to stop herself from falling. She slowly raised her face from his lap to look into his eyes, her cheeks were scarlet with embarrassment. But as sudden as the colour flushed into her features, it drained out just as quickly. His gaze was intense, reminiscent of their date at the Pleasure Meadow, and realisation dawned on her that she had willingly gripped onto him again.

"I revoke- Oomph!"

Jareth swiftly slammed pizza into Sarah's open mouth. "Tut tut, Sarah. Don't you know that you can only revoke permission once?" His grin broadened as he helped position her back onto her own seat.

"Hey, my turn," Rhiannon called out, eager to get some physical interaction with the Goblin King.

"Sure," Sarah squeaked before Jareth could argue, diving over towards Susan and facing the screen.

She could feel his eyes flash over to her every few moments, this was doing nothing to ease the dread that was starting to build in her tummy. And then it happened— _the sodding ballroom scene—_ she cringed, not daring to look over at Jareth whilst all the usual suspects swooned.

"Killer dress there princess, you look like a cross between an intergalactic Barbie doll and a helium balloon," laughed Susan.

"I had no say on the design," Sarah retorted.

"Well, as it was _your_ dream Sarah, this rather adorable ensemble, I'm afraid to say, was all you," Jareth declared, his eyes lighting up with laughter.

"If the dream really was _my_ fabrication, then why didn't I just imagine that I found Toby? Why, on earth, would I have dreamed of being _perved on_ at a renaissance tea dance by _you_!?"

"A question I am also eager to know the answer too, Sar-ah."

At that, Sarah blanched and rose from the couch, mumbling something about a bathroom break.

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Sarah was in the process of fleeing back to her room, when she felt a tug on her arm and found herself pulled into an alcove by an irritating blond pillock.

"Now what?" Sarah snapped.

"Is that anyway to greet a friend, Miss Williams?" Couric asked.

"So many ways I could answer that, but I'm on a time limit. So, let's cut to the chase and you tell me what it is you need me to do _this_ time?"

"May I remind you the last favour _you_ asked of _me_ resulted in my running through a tunnel being chased by the goblin horde! Do you have any idea how long it took to get the dirt off of my new dress shoes?!"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "My heart bleeds for you, Couric. However, as your attempted stealth does not imply a social call, again I ask, what can I do for you?"

"There has not been an opportunity to talk since I briefly saw you at the Pleasure Meadow, and I wanted to inquire how you were doing."

" _Really_? So, you were there with Jareth? Did you like my song?" Sarah asked, her lips twitching.

"Are you joking? It provided the Court with huge amusement. You will not be surprised to note that Jareth has banned it from being played anywhere in his Kingdom!"

Sarah's grin widened at learning of the Goblin King's childish reaction.

Couric's expression turned serious. "However, the subsequent row was the talk of the night. Is it true, you have decided to not pursue the crown?"

"I never was trying to pursue the crown. Just because that room full of fangirls want a piece of him, doesn't mean I'm willing to degrade myself by-"

"Save it for someone who believes you, Champion. I saw your face during Jareth and Crystal's date. If looks could kill, he would have been hung, castrated _and_ quartered."

"Hardly, he'd just kissed me the night before-"

"The epitome of a jealous Goblin Queen whose territory was being threatened-"

"Now just a-"

"I didn't take you as someone who would give up what they considered theirs so very easily," Couric exclaimed in rebuke, cutting her off.

"Will you just stop!"

"Alright, Sarah. I will however just say this, as a friend-"

At Sarah's raised eyebrow, he reiterated, "…and as someone whom you have sufficient leverage over. _He_ may be an arrogant pompous ass who has an indescribable fascination with you. However, he _is_ male. He has the attention of a group of ego stroking humans who are not at all shy at declaring how impressed they are by him. Not to mention ladies of other courts who have no problems lavishing him with attention. If you push him too far away, or give him no hope, he will look elsewhere."

Hearing Couric say these words brought a certain level of anxiety to settle upon her chest, which felt alien and most unwelcome. In all of her snit, she hadn't realised that she didn't want to lose the focus as his…nemesis? …the thorn in his side? …his potential queen? Yeah right.

Sarah gave Couric a scathing look. "Are you suggesting I forgive him for his treatment of me, and let him get off scot-free, or risk losing my place in the competitions?"

"He has hardly escaped scot-free as you put it. I never saw him that drunk since the embarrassing episode with the Countess du Plange. You have also given his enemies wonderful ammunition to embarrass him, thanks to that little karaoke number—all they need to do is sing it in his presence to undermine him. Let's face it, Champion, you have him by the short and curlies!" Couric smiled as Sarah's mouth fell open. "Now _enough_ with the false drama, and go kiss and make up!"

With those words, Couric sauntered off down the corridor, leaving Sarah alone with her mouth still hanging open.

"False Drama! Oh, _that's it_! Looks like there is another fair-haired fuckwit who could do with a lesson in 'don't mess with the Champion,'" Sarah hissed, as she stomped off in the opposite direction.

Her bathroom break forgotten, she headed back towards the Common Room for another round of 'let's laugh at the ignorant fifteen-year-old who does herself out of being sexually assaulted by a gang-banging magical wise ass'!

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Just when Sarah thought she could make it back from the bathroom without another episode of being waylaid by an immortal male, she ran straight into Jareth. He appeared to be relieved to see her and immediately raised his arm to both, lean comfortably against the wall _and_ conveniently block her path.

Sarah stopped abruptly, she had practically walked right into his chest. She took a hasty step back in an attempt to gaze up into his eyes, but unfortunately, her eyes only got so far. _Those pants look like they were poured on… STOP IT WILLLIAMS, LOOK UP, LOOK UP!_

She visibly swallowed, her eyes flared at having him so close, especially now she knew exactly what he kept hidden under that ridiculous, ruffled shirt. _And the hipbones mmmm… SNAP OUT OF IT RIGHT NOW, STEP AWAY FROM THE SEXY GOBLIN MONARCH!_

Jareth observed the emotions playing across her face with amused glee. That idiot Couric may have been onto something after all, Sarah appeared to be more than a little flustered since the incident in the stable yard that morning.

"I was worried I had lost you," Jareth purred, locking his gaze onto her open-mouthed expression.

"Huh?" Sarah gulped. _Smooth, Williams, real smooth!_

"I wasn't sure if you would return to me," he sighed, capturing the annoying wisp of hair by her cheek and tucking it back behind her ear.

Sarah closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. _Boy, I am in so much trouble._ On the exhale, she took a step back before attempting to open her eyes again. "What would be the point? It's not as if I could hide anywhere that you wouldn't find me!"

Jareth grinned at her response and tilted his head to one side. "Was it so painful to watch the masquerade in my presence, or is it the teasing from your fellow runners that drove you away?"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "For Christ's sake Jareth, I needed to pee! I'm not running from anything, as I've already said, what would be the point?!"

Jareth's eyes flickered down to her folded arms and defensive stance, before raising them again with a mischievous leer. "So—before you were so suddenly overcome with the need to relieve yourself—I believe I asked _why_ you dreamt up a romantic fairytale dance featuring yours truly?"

"Nah uh, the whole peach roofie is entirely on you! I don't for one minute accept that this was all my idea. I was fifteen, there was no way that level of debauchery came from my imagination, the riskiest thing I'd read by that age was _Sweet Valley High_!" Sarah rambled, her voice rising as she became more defensive. "And besides, why would _you_ feature as my Prince Charming?"

"I think the lady doth protest too much. You shouldn't get so flustered, Sarah. Fantasizing about a ball and love's young dream-"

" _Ha_! You may be many things, Goblin King, but love's young dream is _not_ one of them!"

"Can't blame a fae for trying," he smiled and straightened up from the doorway, offering her his arm. "Come, Champion, let us watch you hand me my arse in the _Escher Room_."

Sarah snorted with laughter but accepted his offered arm and walked with him into the Common Room, ignoring the stares and whispers from the others. She took her seat next to Susan, then purposely tried _not_ noticing how Jamie and Rhiannon snuggled against _her_ villain, with zero success.

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Sarah couldn't believe her eyes. After the credits had rolled on _THAT_ film, the group were shown the rushes from the day's filming. Susan wasn't lying earlier when she'd said she missed one hell of a scene on the horseback tour. In a neatly edited splice, Sarah witnessed the perils of trying to blend into a new culture, when your information was based solely on a children's feature film.

It began boringly enough, _Jareth at the front, gesturing to the surrounding city landmarks and turning to tease the girls with stories of their runs and how the Goblin City changed to meet their expectations._

Sarah started sniggering when the camera zoomed away from Jareth's tour and onto a dispute that was taking place in the background. _A red faced and shifty looking Couric was being shouted at by a very irate girl who was leaning out of an upstairs window of the Jolly Gobbler, hurling some foul epitaphs which she must remember to use against him next time he accused her of 'false drama'. The rant concluded when the girl threw a box loaded with trinkets on his head and called him a 'feckless, under-endowed peacock, whose reputation for being a satisfying lover was as fabricated as his pretty words'._ At this Sarah burst out laughing, not caring if it drew attention to her. _Tariq, who had rushed over to try and quieten the situation, had scooted backwards to avoid the box of trinkets, but unwittingly put himself in the path of a chamber pot being emptied out the window of the house opposite the pub._

"You weren't joking about it being a shame to miss," Sarah nudged Susan, tears streaming down her face as she relished watching Couric trying to unpick a necklace that was tangled in his hair.

"Oh, it gets _better_ ," Susan sing-songed, finally looking interested in what was taking place on screen.

 _The next clip showed some of the Goblinerettes dismounting and hurrying after Jareth into the marketplace to look at the various clothes, jewellery and spices the goblins had to offer. Sir Didymus brought up the rear, chatting to no one in particular, of the bounties to be found at the bustling bazaar._

 _The camera panned to show Shante standing in a doorway with two ogres, proudly posing and showing off her attributes to the interested males as they nodded their heads in approval. Susan sat on the edge of a fountain situated at the centre of the square, chatting to a dryad who had appeared from the water to interrogate her impromptu visitor._

 _The camera then zoomed back to the entrance to the market. Unbeknownst to the shopping party, a small group of fae woman had sneaked up to the mounts and they'd begun to unbuckle the girths on the Goblinerette's horses._

"What the fuck?" whispered Sarah to Susan. "I thought this lot were a mercenary bunch of bitches, but that's just cold."

"Wait for it," Susan replied.

 _The fae girls were whispering and nudging each other hurriedly as they worked, whilst one kept lookout to alert if the distracted Sir Didymus or Tariq returned. Little did they know the camera had recorded their escapade._

"Well this explains _that episode_ at least," Jareth said drily, his eyebrow raised as he lounged back on the sofa, whilst the other Goblinerettes gasped in horror at what they were seeing.

Before the girls could work themselves up into a rant over the obvious saddle sabotage, their attention was drawn to the screen again when, _an outraged roar was heard from the goblins, followed by the Goblinerettes running for their lives from the market._ Sarah looked on confounded as _the girls jumped on their mounts, ducking from vegetables and mud being thrown at them from a group of outraged goblin merchants._

" _You think you can look down on us, try this for size your crazzzy bitches!" screeched an irate brownie as he threw a mud pie straight at Jamie's face. Without further prompting, the girls urged their mounts into a brisk canter. A distraught Sir Didymus started yelling at Ambrosius to turn around and face the angry mob, instead of hightailing it after the girls._

 _Screeches were heard in the distance, as some of the girls struggled to stay mounted. The camera then showed Shante looking baffled at what was going on, Susan holding her stomach and howling along with the dryad, only to be drowned out by Galen's continued giggle shrieking, which had started back when Couric was accosted at the Jolly Gobbler._

 _The final shot was of the Goblin King, mounted like a romantic hero upon his horse, his shirt open and boots shining…but with his head in his hand as he pinched his nose,_ reminding Sarah of his pose in the throne room during her run, clearly depicting that he wished he ruled anywhere but here.

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On the completion of the rushes, Tariq entered the room amongst the din of outraged Goblinerettes, a cackling Sarah and Susan, and a disgruntled monarch. Drawing a deep breath, he took the risk and called everyone to attention.

"Ladies, Your Highness," he bowed. "Tomorrow sees the recommencement of the competitions. For your next challenge, each of you will take turns to host the Goblin Court for one hour. You will hear petitions from the citizens of the Goblin City and be expected to pass judgement and offer solutions to the problems presented. How you conduct yourself and execute this task will be an indication on your strengths as a ruler. As you will see, running the Goblin Kingdom is not all balls and baking," Tariq announced. "Please be down in the Common Room promptly at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning, for a buffet breakfast and the schedule of when you will preside over the Court. Now, as you have a very trying-"

At Jareth's loud cough, Tariq immediately changed tactics. "I mean _busy_ task tomorrow, I suggest we all head up to our rooms to get sufficient rest."

The girls all groaned but eagerly approached the Goblin King to wish him a good night. Sarah immediately latched her arm through Susan's and prompted her to move before Jareth could escape from the bundle of wenches surrounding him.

Jareth shifted slightly, trying to subtly move the French one from his right shoulder. Sabine was a nice enough girl, but he felt distinctly uncomfortable being draped in the other girls in front of his Champion, who he noticed was beating a swift exit with her bodyguard. Although it was part of the competitions, and Jareth was supposed to be treating them with equal levels of attention, he couldn't help but feel he was seriously harming his suit with his green-eyed temptress. Initially he'd thought flirting with the other girls would encourage Sarah to reveal her feelings, and also make her see how maddening it was to tease one's jealousy. It had backfired once and he was in no position to push his luck again. He needed a distraction for the other girls so he could woo his Champion in peace, and he knew just the band of buffoons for the job.

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"Gee, Princess, what's the rush?" Susan complained as Sarah propelled her into their suite and hastily slammed the door behind them, peeking through the small spy hole to check no other male faes had followed them.

What with Jareth, Couric and High King Brian stalking her today, she'd had quite enough of their impromptu meetings. Couldn't they find a way to call first?!

"Sorry, just didn't want to risk another run in with fairy boys!"

"You sure about that? Coz you've been jumpy since the whole diet coke break thing this morning. I have to be honest Sarah, I really think you need to get laid. Or at least take care of the matter yourself. Go ahead and use the bathroom if you want, I won't come in," Susan scoffed as she threw herself down on the chaise.

"SUSAN!" Sarah squeaked. "I'm NOT repressed, I DO NOT need to _get laid_." She used air quotes at the unimpressed girl reclining on the couch.

At Susan's raised eyebrow, Sarah's shoulders slumped. "Oh, okay fine. Maybe I'm just a little bit horny. But I swear that rat bastard has been doing everything he can to get me going. The whole lean-in, smouldering looks, tight pants bollocks. I mean, does he really think I'm _that_ shallow?!"

"Is it working?" Susah asked, a brow raised.

"Hell yeah!" Sarah threw hands over her face and groaned. "If he touched me one more time tonight, I swear I was going to flatten those ruffles of his shirt while dry humping his thigh like an automatic knitting machine!"

"A what?"

"Oh, just this crazy invention Karen bought when she was going through her jumper making phase," Sarah dismissed with a wave whilst pacing up and down.

Susan shook her head at her friend. "Seriously girl, being down here is not doing you any favours. You need to 'get some' or get away from here. I mean, you don't want to get so desperate that you end up jumping Hoggle? Or even worse, Couric!"

At the serious expression on Susan's face, Sarah collapsed into a fit of laughter. "Don't you dare go anywhere! There is no way I'm staying in this fucked up Disneyland without you."

"Well, as much as I feel you, Princess, you really aren't my type. You're going to need to seduce the satanic Barbie doll if you want to scratch that itch!"

"Not your type, huh?" Sarah asked with a smile as she came down from her giggling fit. "So, tell me, what is your type, Detroit?"

"My type is not that much to write home about. My last girlfriend, Debbie, was a fucking dead beat. But _noooo_ , I couldn't see that—I just thought she was this cool, free-spirited individual who didn't bow down to anyone…" Susan's eyes softened for a moment. "She was so chill, really pretty and had this sense of calm which was initially ethereal and quite a turn on." Susan's brow suddenly drew and her eyes snapped in irritation. "Downside was, it turned into a fucking pain in the arse, as she used it to mask her inability to deal with real life! Whenever shit needed to get done, she would be all like 'I feel you're pressuring me to conform to a society that I don't believe is healthy for either of us!'"

"Oh. Maybe she just wanted you to not get wound-up about stuff, looking out for your well-being," Sarah offered, after seeing first-hand Susan's special brand of anger management.

"That I could cope with, but it was just her way of getting out of paying her share of stuff. I mean, the bills were piling up, her cell had been cut off, and it was the second month I had to make up her part of the rent. But then she came home with a jar of fucking honey that she said contained some magical fucking powers that cost $30 dollars! I mean, what the fuck?!"

"You're kidding," Sarah exclaimed, her eyes raised. "I take it you called her out on that."

"Well, if you mean telling her to take her supernatural sandwich spread and go fuck a tree in the nearest fairy ring, then yeah. I guess you could say I broke it off."

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 **AN** : ANDDDD we'll leave it there. A bit of insight into Susan's history, and why she might not be pro Underground or anything fairy related. If you want an idea of what Debbie was like, think Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, crossed with any tree-hugging hippy student from your Uni days who had great intentions, but zero ability to deal with society.

Next up, the Goblin Court is in session – Disaster waiting to happen, anyone?

 **Recommendations:**

The Girl by Adishailan – I had the pleasure of being the beta for this fic. I know the majority of readers of this fandom are major Jareth/Sarah shippers. This story does not contain Sarah, but it is not a romance so that hopefully will not deter you. If you want to read a beautifully written, visually expressive fic that is purely about the Labyrinth, then I suggest giving it a go. It is not a long one and should remind us all re the plight of the lost and lonely.

I am also an avid reader of Dramione (Draco/Hermione) Harry Potter stories, and this one had me in fits of giggles. So, if you are willing to venture out of this fandom, or just fancy a change, try:

Mayhem Before Christmas by RunningQuill – The whole fic is based on a major misunderstanding, it's not that long and Chapter 10 had me almost peeing myself with laughter.


	20. Chapter 20 - The Carbohydrate Bribery

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to Labyrinth, all original characters owned by Henson et al.

AN: I normally wouldn't apologise for the delay between the last chapter and now, as we are all doing this for fun, not pay, and life must come first. However, it has been a long time and this hiatus was not planned – so I am sorry about that. I was halfway through this chapter over a month ago, then we had to say goodnight to our fourteen-year-old German Shepherd at the end of November, and I just couldn't write anything more, especially something as light and dry as this. I raised Willow from a pup and my husband and I picked her up the day we got the keys to our first place together. So, it's taken a while, but I now feel in a place where I can continue with this. Do not worry, it will be finished, I have no plans to abandon Sarah forever in limbo in a Goblinerette competition! Although I could probably watch Jareth take a Diet Coke break on eternal repeat… : )

As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

Finally, a shout out to my amazing beta K Bates who has been a huge encouragement, inspiration and a bloody good editor when it comes to certain scenes in this chapter – So without further ado, as an unknown and uncredited pirate once said, "Beware, there be smut ahead!"

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Sarah awoke the next morning feeling surprisingly refreshed, probably due to the fact that it was the first morning she'd awoken in the Goblin Kingdom _without_ nursing a raging hangover. She almost missed Dotty, the little goblin who usually brought her the hangover cure. Sleepily, Sarah gazed at the clock on the mantelpiece, only to discover it was half-past seven. She stretched like a cat with a big grin on her face, and snuggled down further into the covers, looking forward to another half hour snooze….

"Ahem, Sarah?" asked an irritating voice.

 _Bollocks!_

"She's not here, come back later," Sarah grumbled from beneath the bedding.

"Well I could, but t'would mean yer ill prepared for the Goblin Court, an' seeing as now yer back te wantin' te win… again, I thoughts ye might want some friendly advice about dealing with the critters."

"HOG-GLE!" Sarah whined, as she threw away the blankets and sat up, leaning into her drawn up knees and gripping the hair at her temples. "Is it too much to ask, that I have five minutes of downtime without worrying about these sodding competitions?!"

"Well, aren't ye a happy sausage in the mornins," Hoggle retorted. "Ifs ye don't want my help…" he turned to leave as Sarah let out a sigh.

"Wait…stay," Sarah relented. "Can you find a way to get me some coffee or something? I can't think without caffeine."

"Already taken care of," Hoggle gestured to her bedside table. "Wouldn't dream of waking a human girl without some refreshment. Couric did that once and was sporting a shiner fer a week!"

"Couric? Had a fling with a mortal?" Sarah asked, surprised.

"That alley cat's had flings with almost every being there is. Although he was apparently very drunk during that orgy in the Troll Kingdom. Thems the rumours anyway, it's not like we travel in the same circles..."

Sarah smiled at this and took a large sip of her coffee. "This is excellent, Hoggle. If you bring me a cup of coffee like this each time, you can wake me up any morning you like."

At Hoggle's furious blushing and stammering, Sarah realised what she had said and practically sprayed her drink everywhere. "Not like _that_ , I mean, like you did today. If I'm alone, that is…"

 _Just fucking shut up, Williams, what is up with the mind-to-mouth filter these days?_

"So, Goblin Court. What gives?" she asked, moving swiftly back to the point of this ridiculously early wake up call.

"Right. The thing ye need te remember about the Goblin Court, is that despite it appearing te be a pointless waste of time, as the arguments are always the same and usually petty…" Hoggle grumbled, rolling his large blue eyes, "…If we don't have 'em, theys get te brawling and before ye know it, ye have civil war breaking out across the Kingdom. The King, rat that he is, realises this. He discovered very early on, that if he allows 'em to bring their whinings te him, he gets te decide what happens and as his word is law, they accept it. Regardless of whether or not they're happy with the judgement, they don't dare go against it, especially since he started using the bog for those who defied him."

"It sounds like an incredible waste of his time, especially if he's also been inundated with runners. Why doesn't he delegate the task?"

"Well, ye see, they don't recognise any other authority. Sir Didymus has some sway, but they don't fear him like they do the King. They'll take direction from Tariq, seeing as how he's the King's Steward, but that don't mean they would accept judgement from him."

"So why on earth would they listen to a bunch of fairy fan girls playing Judge Judy?" Sarah asked, frustrated with the blasted challenge already.

"Because ye be Queen Consorts! This is a big test. If ye can keep the peace during a Goblin Court session, in other words they _listen_ te ye, then that's a huge step. Forget the bloody nonces at the Fae Court, if ye cannot keep the peace amongst the horde, the largest population of _his_ subjects, then yer not much use as Queen."

"So how do I get them to listen to me?" Sarah asked, her hands twisting in the bedsheets as her brows furrowed in concentration.

"If I knew the answer te that, then I'd be wearing lipstick, a push-up bra, and running the show meself!"

Reminding herself to erase that image from her mind with a healthy dose of Patron, Sarah stole a deep breath and closed her eyes, before exhaling through gritted teeth. "So, what was the fucking point in waking me up at this time, then?"

"Te tell ye not te dismiss this as an attempt te humiliate or ridicule the concubines, and take it seriously. The horde, despite their apparent uselessness, have a role te play. They matter te _him,_ so they should matter te the future Queen."

Sarah sighed, despite the lack of a hangover, she felt the nagging twinges of a headache beginning to descend. "Fuck my life," she mumbled as she considered the ridiculousness of the task.

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"Welcome ladies, good to see you are all here, eager to play at being Queen for an hour," Tariq chirped, his eyes overly bright and his voice slightly higher than usual. Sarah noticed that he appeared to be perspiring. This did not bode well.

The girls were all spread out in the common room, their coffee and croissants were systematically demolished whilst they gossiped about the next challenge.

"Now, I understand that you have all been practicing for the pole dancing challenge, which is taking place in a few days. As we want to give you the opportunity to continue to do this, we ask that you utilise some of your free time by practicing with the circus nymphs," Tariq urged the chattering group.

After hearing a few groans from the girls regarding stiff limbs and cramped muscles, Tariq smiled nervously and continued, wanting to get out of there to avoid being barraged with a million questions. _None_ of which he could answer truthfully without getting into trouble with his fickle liege.

"I have drawn up a timetable for the Court sessions," he called over his shoulder as he pinned the scroll to the door to the common room. "So please make sure you have given yourself enough time to prepare _before_ appearing in the throne room. I would advise _not_ turning up in your pole dancing attire. Good luck," he added before scurrying out of the room as fast as he could.

"Looks like another full-on day," Sarah sighed to Susan, as she made her way across to the doorway to look at the rota.

"Oh crap! I'm first," grumbled Chun, downing her coffee and heading out towards the throne room.

"What do you say, guys? Shall we change and meet up in the studio? Get some practice in," Crystal suggested.

Jamie jumped up at the suggestion, "Might as well. I need to work on my extended trout!"

"Your _what_?" Susan asked.

"It's a pole dancing pose," Sarah replied absently as she scanned the rota for her name. She groaned, noticing that she would be the last to hold Court that day. _Great, I get to hold Court for a group of grumpy goblins who would have been waiting all day for their petitions to be heard!_

"A pole dancing pose? Why would anyone want to look like a laid-out fish?" Susan asked, perplexed.

"You don't look like no damned fish. Have you not been paying attention at all, girl?" Shante quipped, shaking her head at Susan.

Before Susan could respond, Sabine cut in to get Sarah's attention. "Would you 'elp us with the moves again, Sarah? I could do with some 'elp with the spins," she asked, smiling shyly.

"Um, sure. What do you say Shante? Shall we take a group each and start showing them how to put their moves together?" Sarah asked.

"Why not? Although I'm not giving all my secrets away, some of you just aren't flexible enough to move like this chocolate!" Shante sassed back, grinding her hips suggestively, as if to prove her point.

Susan rolled her eyeballs, " _Whatever_ , just none of that trout shit, I'm not looking to get reeled in by a creepy geriatric trickster!"

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After two hours of pole dancing instruction and training, Sarah decided to take a break and a long shower, promising the girls she would return to give further instructions after she had completed the Goblin Court challenge. She would rather have a stiff drink with her Underground friends in the pub afterwards, but the girls guilt-tripped her, seeing as how she was taking the afternoon off to ' _prepare_ ' for the challenge.

"Is there something you're not telling us, Champion?" Crystal asked, her eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"I just need some me-time," Sarah replied, as she smiled sweetly and headed for the door, "…plus I don't want to turn up all sweaty. Remember what Tariq said, we shouldn't go dressed in our workout gear. Detroit, d'you fancy lunch?" she asked, changing the subject.

"Nah, going to do a bit more practice. Go on up, I'll catch you later."

Sarah grimaced but nodded. She was really hoping Susan would take the time to prepare for the Goblin Court. She desperately wanted her to stay in the competitions—she'd even filled Susan in on the conversation that she'd had with Hoggle that morning. As she climbed the staircase, she recalled, with ample frustration, how Susan had brushed off her advice.

" _Look, there is no way I'm going to end up with the crown, not that I want it, and I'll deal with this challenge like I have all the others - with no fucking preparation, whatsoever! Anyway, those guys kinda like me. Might have something to do with the gazillion rock cakes I baked for their parade_ _tomorrow!" Susan informed an agitated Sarah._

" _What parade?" Sarah asked._

" _To commemorate the day you ransacked the city. It actually forced the GK to do some much-needed rebuilding. As it turns out, you and that hairy orange guy are quite popular, and by extension, so are my rock cakes!"_

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Sarah entered her suite and headed straight for the shower, contemplating the difficult task ahead. As she lathered up her hair, she thought back to her successful goblinerette challenge and a smile began to form.

 _Well… it had worked once, why shouldn't it work again?_

With a plan in mind, Sarah hurried out of the shower and scurried to the lounge to summon Dotty via the pull cord. She wracked her brain, remembering what she'd done to solve the Labyrinth and secure the return of her brother…

 _Befriend the Labyrinth inhabitants…Ignore Jareth's pants…Think outside the box when faced with any challenges…Ignore Jareth's pants…Bribe the Labyrinth inhabitants when pleas to chivalry were overlooked…Ignore Jareth's pants…_

 _Jareth's pants_ …Sarah paused in her musings as she reached the mirror by the door, shaking her head to remove the mental image of a gyrating, dancing fae King.

"So," she asked her reflection, "What do goblins like?"

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Three hours later, Sarah entered the throne room. The entire area was filled to the brim with goblins, some hanging from niches in the walls, some draped over kegs of ale, and others just running riot, throwing the odd chicken through the air. Sarah ascertained that once the petitions were heard, the goblins did not depart, but decided to hang around and jeer at everyone else's arguments. It reminded her a bit of 'Jerry Springer' but without the bald-headed body guards.

After taking a deep breath, Sarah squared her shoulders and marched towards the throne. She kept her gaze fierce and directed it straight at the goblin who was lounging across the throne—the skirts of her dragon-hide corset dress swished as she strutted towards the little upstart.

It was at that moment the goblin looked up, as he was curious to why the noise had died down in the room. One glance at the approaching Labyrinth Champion, dressed in full Goblin Queen regalia, and he launched himself out of the seat, hastily dusting it down with his hand as she strode towards him.

As she reached the throne Sarah spun around and glared at the horde, who remained silent with mouths agape. " _Well_?" she snapped, one eyebrow raised high.

At the sound of her voice the goblins scurried down to the throne room floor, and those with petitions attempted to form a line, which was more of a chaotic bundle.

"Hey! I was here first you frickin' turnip," screeched one.

"Shut up! You're slower than a wall worm," the other retaliated, causing the other goblins to burst out cackling.

"How dare you call me a wall worm!" the first shrieked back. Your mother mated with a mountain troll, who had very smelly feet!"

Realising that she was very quickly going to lose the upper hand, Sarah clapped her hands loudly, signalling Dotty to bring forth the platter she had requested. As soon as Dotty entered the room, all the goblins froze, their noses twitching at the succulent aroma. Dotty marched up to the throne and presented the platter to Sarah, bowing her head low.

Sarah reached forward and took a large slice of cheese pizza, taking a subtle nibble and letting out a sigh of delight.

"That's _her_ ," called out a goblin, whom Sarah recognised from the pizza evening. "She's the one who gave Gus the cheesy yum yum!"

This was followed by a mixture of rumbling murmurs of, "Ooooh, yum yums!"

The horde was transfixed. Food to goblins was as alluring as a Playboy Bunny to a prison inmate. Drool started to form at the sides of their mouths as Sarah continued to eat her slice of pizza, closing her eyes as she relished the taste. On completing the slice, Sarah licked her fingers and turned to smile at the petitioners.

"Okay, pizza for the first goblin who sits nicely and raises their hand."

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After dealing with four cases of stolen chickens, two boundary issues and one case of drunk and disorderly behaviour, Sarah was shocked to see Hoggle amongst the petitioners—he was being dragged forward by a senior member of the horde.

"Hoggle, what's going on?" Sarah asked her friend. "Why are _you_ here?"

" _I_ am the plaintive, Champion," interrupted a very cross looking nymph.

Sarah's attention turned towards the attractive girl with blue skin—she raised her eyebrows at the attitude she sensed from the nymph. "I see. Well then, state your case."

"For years now this… thing has been using our ponds as a place to relieve himself!" cried the nymph. This was followed by a round of cackling from the goblins, which did nothing to improve the nymph's mood.

"And what would you like done... I'm afraid you have been remiss in introducing yourself?" Sarah answered.

Recognising that her frustrations had resulted in her lack of formal manners, which appeared to have irritated the Champion, the nymph quickly changed tactic. However, her displeasure remained evident on her face. "Forgive me, Champion, my name is Juturna. And I would like this individual to just… stop it!" she ended on a whine and a stamp of her foot.

Again, the horde started jeering and laughing at Juturna's show of temper.

"Quiet!" Sarah snapped crisply before turning to her friend. "Is this true Hoggle, have you been," she swallowed the urge to giggle, "…relieving yourself in Juturna's pond?"

"Maybe it tis and maybe it ain't, it's not likes I did it when I could see them in there!" Hoggle cried indignantly, his cheeks reddening as the goblins started cackling again.

"Hehehe, can't hold it Hoggle strikes again!" A goblin jeered from across the room, resulting in another round of peeling laughter.

Sarah could see the nymph getting angrier by the second, and her friend suffering from acute embarrassment.

"Enough!" Sarah shouted, quieting the crowd instantly. "Juturna, why is it you are only bringing this to the Court's attention now? Am I to understand that _this_ is not a recent issue?"

"I have tried, _countless times_ , but every time we try to bring it to the King, we never get an audience because the horde always take the allocated time up over their fucking chickens!" screeched the nymph. "It's only because today was an all-day session, thanks to these competitions, that I've _finally_ managed to be heard."

"I don't understand," Sarah challenged. "Why are you constantly put towards the back of the queue, Juturna?"

"Queue? Since when have you seen a goblin queue? It's every being for themselves, and I can't be out of the water too long, so I cannot wait outside the castle doors from dawn to get anywhere near the front of the petition list."

Sarah felt pity for the nymph, as this was obviously distressing for her and frustrating that she couldn't get to see her monarch because of the lack of organisation of the Goblin Court sessions. That, _and_ Jareth's inability to hold sessions for longer than an hour or so.

"Don't bother wet one!" cackled a goblin to the nymph. "You got the wrong girly to hear your moaning, this one's a friend of the incontinent dwarf!" This was also followed by a chorus of laughter bouncing round the room.

Sarah glared at Hoggle for putting her in this position, as it was obvious she was going to have to deal with this now rather than defer it to Jareth's next session, as who knows when Juturna would get another audience. She also couldn't go easy on Hoggle—otherwise, she'd be called out for favouritism.

"Quiet!" Sarah yelled and stood up from the throne, pacing up and down as she thought of a resolution. She suddenly stopped, and a mischievous grin formed on her lips.

"We seem to have a problem here, and I think I have the perfect solution," Sarah began. "Firstly, Hoggle!"

Hoggle drew himself up and waited for Sarah's judgement.

"You will apologise to Juturna for the constant lack of respect you have shown her and her kin."

Hoggle gave a sigh of relief, although it was premature.

"You will also landscape the area around the ponds to a specification agreed with Juturna. This should discourage yourself and other likewise afflicted individuals from relieving themselves. Some form of prickly plants or other fauna that will not only work alongside, but also protect the ponds from pollution."

At Juturna's satisfied smile, Sarah understood that this was not only an acceptable solution for her, but possibly a _large_ amount of work for Hoggle, judging from his scowl and his eyes shooting his betrayal.

"Secondly," Sarah added in a loud voice when the goblin horde started chattering again. "It is obvious that there is an issue with regards to a lack of, erm, _facilities_ for those wandering the Labyrinth. I mean, where do the runners go to erm, _go_? Thirteen hours is a long time to go without peeing!"

By the blank looks from the goblins, it was obvious that they had no idea what she was talking about. Sarah sighed and carried on with her plan, a smile beginning to form as she had decided _exactly_ how to tackle this, and also get her revenge on a certain annoying pillock.

"So…I propose that a committee will be formed to undertake the design and construction of toilet facilities for the runners and Labyrinth inhabitants, whilst they are executing the King's business."

"What's a committee?" squeaked one of the goblins.

"It's a group of individuals who meet to design, plan, discuss and oversee the implementation of a project. Basically, we need to form a group of people, with a chair person in charge, to get the bogs distributed around the Labyrinth." She paused, brows furrowing, "…speaking of bogs, would the bog need one? Seeing as how it's a…erm, bog?"

The goblins started muttering amongst themselves before one of them shouted, "Ah, we don't know! But the King will!" This was followed by a chorus of cheers from the goblins.

"Oh, we don't want to disturb the King with such _detail_ ," Sarah admonished in a coaxing tone, once the cheering died down. "Otherwise he would not have time to listen to your petitions, would he?"

Sarah continued, seeing the concerned looks on their faces, "I propose _another_ member of the fae court chair these meetings for you. Not only someone who has the close ear of the King, but also his own sparkly presence that will bring the… _prestige_ …required to preside over meetings of such importance!" Sarah declared exaggeratedly, glancing over at Hoggle and discreetly acknowledging his widening eyes as he caught on to her train of thought. "I am sure Lord Couric would be more than pleased to assist you in such a large scale and time-consuming project as this."

Sarah's smile grew wider as she saw the goblins nod in earnest agreement at each other, regarding her suggestion.

"I don't know," shouted one dissenter, "I mean what's in it for _us_ to come to this committee? We don't care if there is nowhere to pee!"

Sarah glared at the goblin and retook her seat on the throne. "Your name?"

"Bert?" squeaked the goblin when he realised what he had done.

"Did you like the rock cakes that have been doing the rounds in preparation for tomorrow's parade?" Sarah asked.

"Yeah!" replied the goblin, his fear gone with the subject of food.

" _Well_ , the chef is a very good friend of mine, and I can convince her to bake another batch to encourage attendance at these committees-"

"I want twenty!" shouted another goblin, interrupting Sarah.

"Ten," Sarah replied.

"No, make it five and it's a deal queenie wannabe!"

Sarah blinked in confusion, but nodded all the same. It was better not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

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Sarah left the bedlam in the throne room, smiling smugly to herself as she rounded the corner at the top of the staircase, ready to help the girls out with their pole dancing session. Just as she was about to enter the exercise room, Dotty approached her and insisted that she follow her elsewhere.

Perplexed by her, rather aggressive insistence, Sarah followed the goblin—she had helped Sarah out during the Court session, she may as well return the favour. When they appeared by a tapestry, Dotty stopped and motioned towards it. At Sarah's eyebrow raised in question, the goblin huffed and rolled her eyeballs, pulling the tapestry aside and knocking three times on the door before heading off in a hurry.

"Okay…" Sarah muttered to herself, "… _that_ was weird." She wondered what the hell she was supposed to do, when an all-too-familiar voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Enter."

Sarah pushed the door open to enter a small room where Jareth was sprawled on a chair, his gaze thoughtful as he peered into a very large scrying crystal, which was positioned on the table in front of him. He didn't so much as look at her when Sarah approached—instead, he motioned her silently to sit in the chair opposite, while he continued to observe the scene in the crystal.

Raising her brows, Sarah peered at the orb curiously, to see an image of Chun standing on the throne, surrounded by rowdy goblins who seemed to be throwing chickens at each other. She winced slightly as Chun got hit with a full tankard of ale, soaking her completely—unfortunately, the handle gave her a glancing blow on the temple. The poor goblinerette collapsed on the throne, out cold.

The next scene showed Sabine screaming as she was chased around the throne by a small troupe of goblins dressed as showgirls doing the can-can.

Then came Susan, chasing the same set of goblins round the entirety of the throne room. In one hand, she had a chicken and in the other, she held one of the dressed-up goblins by the throat—she seemed to be using him as a weapon to knock other unsuspecting goblins out of her path.

Letting out an amused gasp, Sarah looked up to meet Jareth's jaded gaze, his eyebrows raised in question. Before Sarah could ask what he was looking at _her_ for, the scene moved further along the same session, where Susan had them singing whilst she threw out rock cakes to each goblin who sang the correct lyrics when she pointed to them. Sarah beamed when she saw this, _at least she has their rapt attention, go Detroit!_

Jaime had not fared much better than Sabine, she sat straight in her chair whilst the goblins drank and sang all around her, completely ignoring her presence and feeble attempts to get their attention.

Rhiannon and Crystal seemed to have better luck at holding the horde's attention, but fell foul when they tried to pass judgement. Their error being to backtrack on the decision they made, which in turn infuriated both plaintiffs.

When the crystal shifted to Shante's session, Sarah was horrified to see the goblinerette standing up on the throne and doing a striptease to get the goblin's attention. Although she succeeded in doing just that, there was an abrupt, loud screeching and the room emptied out faster than if Jareth had yelled 'last one out ends up in the bog!''

Sarah couldn't help but laugh out loud at _that_. When she looked up to see Jareth's stoic expression, not even a hint of a smile at the antics that had taken place, she sobered quickly as the crystal finally showed her session. She secretly glanced at Jareth on occasion, checking to read his reaction, but he gave nothing away.

Eventually, Jareth sighed and waved his hand, the crystal went dark as he sat back and looked at his Champion.

After a few seconds, Sarah started to fidget. The bastard was just looking at her and his appraisal was rather intense. _What the fuck did he want_? "What?" she snapped. "I'm assuming you summoned me here for something, care to share?"

Jareth's eyes narrowed as he shifted back into a reclining position, his hair moving out of his eyes with the motion.

Sarah gulped at his languid posture. _How the hell does this guy make slobbing-out look sexy_? - she inwardly seethed.

Jareth didn't answer Sarah—his gaze grew more piercing as she grew more uncomfortable.

Realising that he would only speak when he was ready, Sarah sighed and leaned back, stretching her legs to plonk her feet down on the table. She raised her eyebrows at Jareth defiantly, _two can play at this game Goblin King!_

When neither of them spoke, Sarah's attention turned towards assessing the Goblin King—bastard was dressed casually in black, with the usual open shirt, the emblem of his position displayed clearly against his pale chest. She started to feel the heat rise-up her cheeks.

 _How…? How is it possible that someone who is dressed as a cross between Bonnie Tyler and something from a Bee Gee Porn set, look so…sinful?_

Squirming as she felt a sudden rise in temperature, Sarah evaluated her surroundings _—_ the room was too damn small, and the setting incredibly intimate. He'd chosen this place on purpose! If she had any doubt that Jareth planned on using a sexual warfare approach, _this_ synched it.

Jareth smirked, his gaze wondering down from her eyes and over her dragon-hide corset, very aware of the amount of skin it exposed. His eyes flickered back up to her face and he slowly raised an answering eyebrow.

Sarah's nerves were stretched—her breathing deepened. Those knicker drenching eyes had just done a complete number on her and she realised then she was in extreme trouble.

Jareth, on the other hand, had noticed every discernible change in Sarah's physiology as she sat across from him. The blown pupils, the shallow breathing, the hands clenched on the armrest of her chair. It was a glorious epiphany for the Goblin King—who'd have thought that all he had to do to obtain Sarah Williams in his lure, was to just shut up! He _should_ have known, she'd given him enough clues with her constant ranting. Fighting fire with fire seemed to escalate her temper, but an icy cold dousing of calm—now _that_ got her attention.

As he noticed the rapid rise and fall of Sarah's chest, Jareth clenched his fists in response. He was reaching the end of his tether with this mortal. _No one_ had held out on him as long as she had. He'd never had to fight so hard to get someone's attention, and he found that he desperately wanted hers. She'd been nothing short of _magnificent_ during her Court Session—it had taken all the patience he had to wait until it was over, before summoning her. That she could appear nonchalant as to his summoning of her, _especially_ when she was wearing _that_ damned outfit, was almost laughable.

Continuing playing his _eyebrow game_ , Sarah raised a confrontational brow in response to his silence. She stretched her legs some more—making sure her long, bare legs were insolently draped over the table, as if she owned the place. As if she didn't give a damn that she was in the presence of a king.

And _that_ was when Jareth's resolve finally snapped—all thoughts of rational discussion went flying out of the window. In an act of sheer spontaneity, the Goblin King clicked his fingers and Sarah found herself draped across his lap. Before she could even squeak in indignation, his hand was in her hair and he pulled her ponytail back so she was looking directly at him. His other hand came up to brush her cheek softly before wrapping around her throat to hold her still whilst his lips descended onto hers.

Sarah was frozen in shock. _What the fuck is happening? Did Jareth just zip me from my chair to his lap and…?_ Oh God! Her heartrate escalated as she felt the grip on her hair and recognised the determined look in his eyes, a split second before his mouth claimed hers. One thing was certain, she was being completely seduced.

Jareth's scent intoxicated Sarah as she felt his tongue gently stroke across her lips, begging for entrance—Sarah's resolve folded like a deck of cards. She reached an arm to secure her fingers to the back of his neck, pulling him in closer, as she opened her mouth to the onslaught—kissing him back, _full_ measure.

Letting out a long, low moan, a sound that almost shouted ' _finally_ ,' Jareth increased the pressure on the back of her hair and lowered himself further over her, not prepared to give back an inch of the ground she had given. His thumb stroked over her jaw whilst his fingers stayed loosely around her throat, a feeling that thrilled Sarah.

Like a bird of prey pinning his quarry to the ground, Sarah thought, feeling deliciously trapped by Jareth's hold. Her skin tingled wherever he touched her with his fingers, and she noted distractedly that he wasn't wearing gloves.

As the heat intensified and his kiss continued to deepen, Jareth shifted his face to further the kiss—his tongue stroking against hers. His nose gently scraped hers as he explored her taste.

Sarah noticed his hand begin to stroke down her throat towards her chest, movements slow and deliberate—leaving a tingling sensation following in its wake. _Cheeky bastard_ , she thought as his palm finally closed over her covered breast, palming her through the corset whilst his fingernails lightly scratched the skin around her nipple. When his thumb finally brushed over the peak she arched up violently, her nerve endings electrified by the simple movement.

Jareth grinned —repeating his actions over and over, until he could feel her nipples harden, standing out even when covered by her corset.

Sarah gasped in response—her knickers were soaked—she was almost at the edge! _If Jareth did manage to bring her to orgasm purely from nipple play, he'd probably be even more of an irritatingly smug bastard than usual!_ The thought made her sit up—breaking the kiss and pushing Jareth back into his chair as she straddled him. At his flushed expression and damp lips, Sarah felt herself clenching internally. The sexual tension and frustration that had been building up over the last week had finally found its outlet in the male she was now straddling. Sarah put her hands on his chest and pushed the shirt over his shoulders so it fell to his wrists.

Jareth, who was now pinned back against the chair found himself in the possession of a very stimulated and intolerably sexy female. He couldn't take his eyes off her and could barely contain the lust that ripped through him when she splayed her hands on his chest and pushed his shirt over his shoulders—her movements aggressive. He leaned forward as the material fell towards his wrists and caught there—his hands gripped her hips, not showing any sign of letting go. He stared heatedly as the goddess leaned back, reaching her hands up to remove the band from her hair, which proceeded to cascade around her. His cock twitched painfully at the vision and he immediately threw off the rest of his shirt. He wasted no time in reaching into the tangled masses of her hair and pulling her mouth back down to his. His Champion moaned at the contact and immediately ground down over his length, drawing a strangled gasp from his lips.

Not one to ignore a good strategy, Sarah repeated the move and brought her fingernails down his chest, to scrape lightly over his flat nipples which earned her a thrust of his hips and a strangled oath from their combined mouths. Sarah could feel herself unravelling—in just a few minutes, the Goblin King had reduced her to molten lava, undulating relentlessly against him, desperate to feel as much of him as possible. She felt the burning urge to claim the male beneath her, and judging from his reaction, he was not about to argue.

Jareth's hands moved from her hair, down to the back of the dragon hide corset … and then stopped. _How the hell did you get this contraption off?!_ —Jareth raged internally, terrified that his lust filled make out session with his Champion was about to come to a screeching halt due to a stupid piece of clothing. He quickly decided to change his tactic as he traced his hands over the top of her breasts and drew firm circles over her clothed nipples with his thumb, successfully distracting her whilst he contemplated the outfit. Jareth moved one hand lower to stroke a thumb over her gyrating sex, causing her to moan, whilst his other hand continued its assault across her breast. Meanwhile, Jareth's eyes darted frantically over the corset, looking for an opening, a fastening, a hook, fucking _anything_ , that would indicate how she got into the God forsaken scrap of material in the first place.

As Jareth's frustration and panic increased, Sarah's mewling and gyrating started to come to a head—fortunately, Jareth suddenly realized that he was indeed a magical being and need not be impeded by such circumstances. Gritting his teeth at his own stupidity, Jareth waved a hand and the blasted corset vanished into the ether. He immediately latched his hot mouth onto his Champion's breast and laved the nipple with the tip of his tongue without mercy, whilst his thumb continued to stroke her sex.

Sarah could feel herself soar higher and higher towards her climax—she didn't have to wait long. When Jareth nipped at a hardened nipple with his sharp teeth, her orgasm exploded with a keening wail that shook Jareth to his very core.

Jareth's eyes were transfixed on the flushed and panting countenance of his Champion. He was too enraptured to care that he'd made a mess of his trousers—at that particular moment, he would not have cared if half the Court burst in on them. He'd never seen anything more beautiful—something shifted inside him as Sarah ran her hands through his hair and gently cradled his face.

 _That was it_ , Jareth decided. This girl, this infuriatingly foul mouthed, precious mortal was going to win these competitions, become his Queen, and learn how to fucking cook! Even if he had to sabotage every other contestant to make it happen.

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 **AN** :

Aaaaggghh! A Smut scene, finally! I tried to keep it in theme with the rest of the fic, however it's hard to write a borderline humorous love scene without it becoming parody. I hope I didn't ruin it for anyone.

Honoria Granger – this was for you, as you kindly pointed out that after 80,000 words, I should indeed throw in some smut, or at least another snog. I chose a bit of frottage instead, a halfway house between the two. As remember, although it's been nearly 18 months since I started writing this, Sarah has only been in the Underground a week, and it's not been all romance and bunnies during that time : ) However, lots of UST, poor Sarah deserved a break and as a by-product, Jareth got lucky : )

 **Recommendations:**

Over on A03 – In His Head by Painted Glass, it's a work in progress but is just brilliant, haven't been gripped like that by a newly discovered fic in a while, so I really recommend this one, with bells on! The author manages to mix so many genres and pull it off brilliantly!

Sanctuary by Jack Hawksmoor – it's an old favourite and one I go back to frequently, good if you want a short fic crammed with action and dare I say, eventual hot smut!

Twisted Love by Jarethsloveslaves – collaboration between Ree923 and Joie Cullen (two fab authors) – It's short, fun and smutty. Hey, it involves Twister, no way it was going to be below an M!

A Necessary Deception and The Enticement by the much-appreciated Scattered Logic, her pen will be missed although we can be grateful for the gems she has left us. Also, the lovely tribute by Jetredgirl entitled A Quiet Place.

 _HP (Harry Potter)_

Finally, also on A03 I found an absolute gem. It's called Trope Soup by Motherofbulls and SaintDyonysus and was written following many bottles of wine by two renowned authors who wanted to tackle as many HP Dramione tropes as possible in one short fic. KBates and myself have been discussing for months about doing a collaboration on tropes, especially those in smut scenes. And these guys just knocked it out of the f'ing park. I am not worthy. So, if you like a laugh, please check out chapter 1 of this.


	21. Chapter 21 - Wham Bam Thankyou Ma'am!

Thank you so much for your patience with me on this fic. The reviews and messages and feedback really help to remind me that I have an obligation to get back to this when I get detoured by life. Speaking of life - it got scary and very stressful for a while, hence the delay. Good news we are all alive and still bonkers, so the chapters will keep coming. I plan to up the production going forward, as to be honest, if I have a repeat of the last three months, the Goblinerette will turn from a humorous fic to a post-apocalyptic nightmare! With NO tight pants!

As always, much appreciation, hugs and patron to my wonderful beta KBates. I hope you are all eagerly awaiting Jareth at parent's evening in 'Antithesis' as much as I am!

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to Labyrinth, all original characters owned by Henson et al.

Again thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

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Sarah's breathing returned to normal, and with it, the realisation that she'd finally had a much-needed orgasm…

 _Yay!_

…which was swiftly followed by the creeping mortification that said orgasm was courtesy of the smug looking fae bastard that she currently sat astride.

 _Bollocks!_

Before either Jareth or Sarah could find the right words to say at this very delicate time, they were interrupted by a loud rapping at the door.

Sarah instantly scrambled from Jareth's lap, almost losing her balance in her 'ridiculously-impractical-for-shagging' shoes. Realising she had nothing to wear, she glared at Jareth. "Where are my fucking clothes?" she hissed.

With a quick wave of his hand, Sarah was once more clad in her corset, although a bit less put together. The following moment, Tariq entered, and before he could announce his business, he was almost spun in a circle as a horrified Sarah quickly fled the room.

"Tariq…" came the low, quiet tone of the Goblin King. "I do hope your interruption is regarding a matter of critical importance."

Tariq gulped.

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Five minutes later, Sarah entered her suite as quietly as possible, doing her best to bypass a curious Susan, who was entering the lounge area from her room. She had a towel wrapped round her hair and a flush across her cheeks, indicating she had just come out of the shower.

"What happened to you?" Susan asked, her eyes narrowed speculatively.

Sarah swallowed. " _Nothing_. Just finished up with the Goblin Court and decided I'd better come back and get changed before heading down for more pole practice."

"I wouldn't bother, all the girls came up to get changed for dinner. We thought you'd be back by six…but when you didn't show, we decided to call it a day."

"Sorry, I um, got distracted on my way to you guys," Sarah responded hastily.

"So I can see," Susan said, gesturing at Sarah's crazy backcombed hair and kiss-plumped lips.

" _Uh huh_. So…dinner…I'm starving! Just waiting for the seamstress to pop up and get me out of this corset, then I'll be right with you."

"Sure."

Sarah sighed in relief as she headed into her bedroom, not wanting to go into any detail about the previous hour. She wasn't quite sure what the hell happened—she'd have a hell of a time trying to explain it to Susan.

"So, what's a magic orgasm like?" Came Susan's loud voice from the lounge area, followed by pealing laughter.

Sarah groaned and hit her forehead against the bathroom door. She'd never live this down.

 _Fucking Jareth!_

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Dinner was a muted affair, with most of the girls bemoaning the recent challenge, some even sporting minor injuries. Jareth was nowhere to be seen, but Tariq kept them company, fielding questions from the girls regarding the chaos they had been subjected to that day.

"Ladies, ladies. _Please_. I am not able to go into any details regarding the eliminations. However, I can tell you that His Majesty will make the announcement after dinner."

"So," Susan whispered to Sarah. "Do you think you have this one in the bag?"

"I'd like to think so. But then again, I thought that with the bake-off, and look how _that_ went down!" Sarah responded, grimacing as she stabbed a fork at her paella. Her appetite was completely shot. She dreaded facing Jareth, considering she did the equivalent of a wham bam, without the thank you, and ran away.

 _Would he act like nothing happened? What did this mean for them? What did it mean for the competitions? Did she even want it to mean anything?_

Judging from what Sarah witnessed in the crystal, it did appear that she'd held the better court session. However, she had possibly overstepped in setting up the committee, and assigning Jareth's best bud to oversee it. Although… considering he dangled said bestie over a balcony a few days ago, she should probably be safe from any bro initiated retribution.

 _Besides, the fucker deserved it!_

Sarah frowned—truth was, she didn't have much of a read on Jareth when it came to the running of his Kingdom. Going by the memories of her run, he appeared to rule the Labyrinth inhabitants by fear.

 _The goblins seemed to have an easier ride, maybe they were too dim-witted to realise when they may be in peril?_

Sarah shrugged at her own musings. When it came to goblins or their infamous monarch, she couldn't really assume anything with certainty.

"Enjoying the conversation with yourself?" Susan's amused voice interrupted Sarah's thoughts.

"Just thinking about today, let's say I may have initiated some things during court that will have repercussions. I think I may have been a naughty girl," Sarah replied with a sly smile.

Susan smirked at Sarah "Thank God. I thought you were going to go all soft on his royal ass!"

Sarah gave an exaggerated 'who me?' face before focussing back on her food. _Sod it,_ she thought, and resolved not to worry too much on the possible fall-out of her ruling.

"Have you started a war? Or worse, introduced a decree that banned sequins?" Susan asked.

Sarah snorted through her mouthful of food. "Can you imagine? I wouldn't even be sitting here if I did _anything_ that impacted _his_ wardrobe. I'd be in the deepest, darkest oubliette in the Labyrinth!" Sarah coughed into her hand to stop from breaking out into peals of laughter. "I mean, I should be fine. Otherwise, why would they allow a challenge where the girls could potentially have a direct effect on the Goblin Kingdom's policies?! As if this place even has any policies! Ha!"

"What did you do?" Susan asked, intrigued at Sarah's nervous babbling.

"You heard what Tariq said earlier, 'no one is to discuss their court session in detail outside of the diary room until after the eliminations'," Sarah mimicked the steward. She couldn't even admit to Susan that she'd witnessed her session and loved her for it—that would only let on that she had an unfair advantage over the other girls. Not that Susan would care about that, but Sarah was more concerned about what that viewing had led to. She wasn't quite ready to admit that to _anyone_ , let alone herself, despite Susan having a pretty good idea who'd been responsible for Sarah's walk of shame.

"Buzz kill," Susan moaned. "God, why can't they get on with eliminations already? I want to take a hot bath and drink a cold beer."

"Fancy the pub afterwards?" Sarah asked.

"Would love to, but you might be on a date, remember?" Susan smirked.

Sarah threw down her fork and groaned.

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After another half an hour of stuffing their faces, the girls were summoned to the main staircase for the next televised eliminations. Jareth had outdone himself this time, wearing a jewelled black coat and velvet black leggings that made him glimmer like polished obsidian. Despite her many jabs at his wardrobe, Sarah had to admit that he looked downright sinful with the silver fae markings he sported for the event. He appeared to be irritated with whatever the Director was trying to impart to him, his brows drawn together in question before shaking his head in the negative.

"I wonder what the production crew are trying to get out of him now?" Sarah whispered to Susan.

"Like I care. Anything that inconveniences him is a bonus in my book," replied Susan.

"What if it's to have more access to us, you know, following us around?" Sarah suggested.

"Ten minutes of following Shante around and they would no longer be able to air the show!" piped up Rhiannon, jumping into the conversation.

As the rest of the girls burst into giggles and Shante kissed her teeth, the Goblin King took his mark and Tariq brought the proceedings to order.

"Thank you, ladies, for your contribution to today's court sessions. Before His Majesty announces the winner, we would like to show you the summary of each one. _Yes, yes_ , I know, we secretly filmed you. Ahem, roll it!" called out Tariq. "I always wanted to say that," he tittered to Crystal as he hurried over to her side.

"They seem to be getting on," remarked Sarah at a volume only Susan could hear.

"You only just noticing?" Susan replied. "He goes pink at the ears every time they interact. It all stemmed from the fashion show fiasco, he helped her out with that crying brat-"

"Kitty," Sarah supplied.

"Whatever. Point is, there's going to be one terribly lovelorn fae, if Crystal ends up bagging the crown!"

"Nothing gets past you, does it Detroit!"

"Nope, that's why you're going to tell me all about what happened after your court session… once you've been on your date, of course," Susan added the last part with a grin, keeping her eyes fixed on the big screen that had been set up to show the challenge highlights.

After much gasping and giggling from the girls as they watched the day's events, Jareth stepped forward and addressed the Goblinerettes, making sure his profile was perfect for the cameras.

"We have come to the part of the contest that indicates how you plan to handle my subjects. As you can see, some of you were more… adept at this than others. I have to be honest with you, if it were based on this task alone, more than one of you would be sent back Above this evening." Jareth glared at each of the girls in turn, clearly not impressed. "You are a select gathering of individuals, lauded for your triumphs at defeating the Labyrinth and reclaiming those you wished away. How some of you managed to do this based on your performance this afternoon is beyond me!"

Sarah witnessed at least two of the girls pale at his words, knowing very well that apart from Sarah, and maybe Susan, no one had managed to hold, what could be called, a successful court.

"Miss Ng, your failure to be aware of flying projectiles in the throne room would result in the shortest reign of _any_ Goblin Queen in our history." Jareth declared.

There were a few sniggers from the camera crew, but at Jareth's sharp look, the noises ceased.

"Miss Cherry, and to a similar extent, Miss Hudson. Never go back on a judgement once it has been passed. If you are not confident in your decision, then I suggest you refrain from making it until you are confident enough to do so. You cannot change your mind just because the goblins complain—all you needed to do was to remind them of who was acting regent in that instance. Despite the lively atmosphere, court decision is _not_ based on audience participation. Too much reality television has been detrimental in this instance."

At the choking squeak from the director, Jareth grinned. _Don't you just love live television,_ he mused _._

"Miss Barnett and Miss Lennear… that was the worst display of control I have ever seen in my throne room, Tariq would have been more effective."

"Steady on!" declared Tariq, smiling good naturedly at his monarch, although Sarah thought the lines round his eyes and mouth were a bit too tight for sincerity.

"Sabine _…never_ run from a goblin. Their immediate response is to give chase and there is no telling what game they will want to play when they catch you. Being dressed up and recruited as a showgirl was _not_ the worst-case scenario!"

"Aw, I didn't get to see that bit," sniggered Susan, which was promptly followed by an elbow and giggle from Sarah.

"Miss Latimore, Shante," Jareth paused. "I must say how impressed I was at the speed in which you cleared the throne room, you have broken my record on the evacuation drill and that was under threat of the bog! However, your actions negated the point of holding court. I am not sure if it was your intention to clear the proceedings, because you saw them as a waste of time—in which instance, your tactic worked. If this was indeed the case, you seem to have misunderstood the importance of these sessions. The horde are the largest population of my subjects, and therefore impact the running of this Kingdom. If they do not feel they are governed, they will run rampant and cause immeasurable damage to the Kingdom and the wellbeing of its fellow inhabitants. You cannot simply get rid of them every day if you are not in the mood to hear them out. Trust me, I tried it once and let's just say, it resulted in the reason we are having the parade tomorrow." Jareth's eyes flicked towards Sarah who was looking at him agape.

Sabine and Jamie, however, looked very shame faced at this set down, realising that the task was more important than they initially thought. Shante just looked indignant.

"Actually, Kingy. It wasn't my intention to clear out the goblins. I was just trying to get their attention!" Shante sassed.

"An admirable attempt, but goblins are not humans. Now, if you were in the troll kingdom, you would have been successful with that little stunt. Maybe a little _too_ successful. It would be advisable to research the cultures of those you are interacting with before you attempt a similar antic, no?"

At Jareth's grin, Shante was placated, giving him a wink and a roll of her hip in response.

Sarah scowled at Jareth's attempts to charm the strumpet. Sarah was not into slut shaming, but Shante had a habit of ramming her sexuality down your throat whether you wanted that level of information or not. The fact that Jareth appeared to enjoy such displays turned her off. Sarah felt vindicated when she heard Susan's mock gagging beside her.

 _That's it wingman, keep it up! If I react, I'll be labelled as 'jealous'! Me, jealous? Laughable…!_

"Now we come to the inimitable Miss Briggs. I must say, that was one of the more entertaining court sessions I have witnessed. You have no problem with crowd control and leading with an iron fist—all good qualities for a monarch. I also applaud the singing. For someone who was not a fan of Sarah's film, you have obviously taken note of some of it, _hmm_?" Jareth teased, knowing full well that Susan did not appreciate it.

"However, not many petitions were heard or resolved. Sometimes, that is not so much of an issue… but keep in mind, that you will not be able to use fear and distraction all the time. It is a kingdom and it does require some governing—you were supposed to be effecting change or managing the judiciary, not babysitting."

"Oh no, I have ruined my chances!" Susan cried dramatically in front of the cameras. "How can I bear the disappointment?!"

"Easy Detroit, don't overdo it," Sarah whispered out of the side of her mouth.

Jareth stared stonily at Susan until she gained control of herself, before turning to his Champion. He noted she had a healthy flush to her complexion, which he, of course, put down to his earlier attentions. She would keep that glow about her if he had anything to say about it.

"And _you_ Sarah," Jareth crooned. "How do you think your session went?"

The double-entendre was not missed by the Champion. Her cheeks flushed scarlet and she fidgeted slightly under his direct attention.

"Um, good…? I mean, I didn't get knocked out, or chased by goblin showgirls, or ignored…" Sarah drifted off.

"I see. But what do you think you did well?" Jareth continued, knowing she could interpret his question as being about either her session, or what followed.

"I created a committee to introduce toilets to the Labyrinth…?" Sarah squirmed, still unsure if she had overstepped the mark and refusing to acknowledge any subtext.

"And assigned a Chairperson, I hear?" At that, Jareth's gaze switched to the side where an outraged Couric stood, seething at the Champion.

"Oh _that_ , yes, well. I would say Lord Couric had definitely earned the… honour!" Sarah smiled sweetly, giving him a little wave, her lips quivering at Susan's muffled laughter beside her.

"Impressive," the Goblin King responded. "I cannot wait to see your efforts bearing fruit."

Sarah rolled her eyes at the awful insinuation. She was by no means immune to Jareth, but his cheesy one liners and occasionally questionable wardrobe choices were as mood killing as a poorly timed Barry White medley.

"So, without further ado. The person going home tonight is… … … …" Jareth adjusted his cuffs, determined to have a word with that blasted Director about the ridiculous tension inducing format. "… Sabine."

At her wailing, Tariq rushed over to the distraught girl. The Goblinerettes were in different stages of relief, glee, faux sympathy, and in Susan's case, boredom.

"Eet tis not fair! I practiced so 'ard for the pole dancing!" Sabine cried.

"Don't cry girl," Shante commented. "It's not like your spins were going to be good enough anyway!"

At that, Sabine gave another cry and Tariq decided to usher Sabine away before the scene became more embarrassing.

Jareth's expression hadn't changed, he sighed before turning to the remaining Goblinerettes. "Well, we are down to seven. As you have probably surmised, that although the competitions may seem like fun and games, there is usually a reason for each challenge. One that will show your strengths and suitability to serve as ruler of the Goblin Kingdom."

"I would love to see how the pole dancing challenge links in with that," Sarah muttered to Susan.

As if Jareth had super sensitive hearing, his gaze fixed on Sarah and a wolfish grin lit his features. "Therefore, it is in your best interests, to prepare as much as possible for each task that is set. Tomorrow, however, is a day of celebration, and I would like you all to enjoy the festivities and relax. You will be set with the next task the following morning." Jareth smiled at the girls as he began strutting back and forth, a move that frustrated the director into very non-discreet coughing.

"So, without further ado, who will be crowned winner of the Goblin Court challenge?" Jareth crowed. Without pausing he spun around and pointed at his Champion. "Sarah Williams, step forward and receive your prize!"

"Your Majesty, the format," squeaked the Director. At the Goblin King's glare, he quickly shut up. _At least I can edit the tension for the reruns,_ he thought gloomily. He honestly couldn't wait for this gig to be over.

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After receiving a kiss on each cheek from Jareth, and noticing a not-very-discreet thumbs up sign from King Brian, who was hovering in the background, Sarah turned to the camera and smiled sweetly. She tried thinking of something witty to say for the diary room session, which would immediately follow.

"Be ready in an hour for our date, Sarah," Jareth murmured in her ear before turning to the Director to prepare for his post elimination interview.

Before she could draw breath at the goose bumps that flared down her neck, she found her arm appropriated by a very pissed off looking blond fae.

"Champion." Mwah mwah, Couric air kissed both of her cheeks. "How wonderful you were," he declared for the benefit of the cameras. "You will come with me, now," he hissed in her ear as soon as the cameras were directed elsewhere.

Suddenly, Sarah found herself marched down the corridor that led towards the kitchens. As soon as they turned the first corner, Couric pulled her into an alcove and drew the curtains.

"What were you thinking? BOGS! In the Labyrinth! And _what_ possessed you to put _me_ in charge of this so-called project? I _never_ go into that blasted maze unless directly ordered by Jareth. That place does nothing for my clothing! Twenty, no less than twenty, snagged threads on my charmeuse silk jacket, after just thirty minutes of meandering-"

"Is there a point to any of this?" Sarah interrupted, her arms folded over her chest. "I have a diary room interview to do before getting ready for my date with danger pants, and I only have an hour!"

Couric hissed through his teeth, wondering how on earth Jareth could find Sarah loveable. The girl had an infuriating disregard for the importance of fashion.

" _Why_ did you find it necessary to rope me in on this ridiculous idea? I've never even pissed in a nymph pond!" Couric cried indignantly.

"Come now, Couric. This sounds a lot like false drama to me," Sarah replied, examining her fingernails and looking up at him nonchalantly.

Couric paused as the penny finally dropped. "Oh, you are just _perfect_ for him. With such a face, one would never dream of the level of vindictiveness that you are capable."

"Oh, get over it already. It's fine for you to play games and manipulate the outcome of events," Sarah challenged.

"How so?"

"Don't worry Champion, you said, he can't lay a finger on you without permission, you said. You never stipulated that it was a one-time protection. That if I accidentally gave him permission again, I couldn't change my mind afterwards!"

"Of course you can change your mind afterwards, we are not a bunch of rapists, Champion-"

"I know that!"

"I don't think you do. You mortals are so fickle with your mind changing that the Underground would be completely drained of magic if you used a physical binding charm every time you wanted to play hard to get. The charm is to protect you from the unwanted advances of strangers, not to be used as a leash on your partner when a simple no thankyou would suffice."

"Fickle?! Playing hard to get?!" Sarah was astonished enough that she was distracted from her own outrage. "Where I come from, the consent line gets crossed by partners or former partners as well as strangers, so your magic charm obviously doesn't have an appreciation for nuance."

"Yes, but you don't have magical protection at all up there, just your laws. It is not the same down here, especially for a royal. If you were firmly against his approaches, the joining would cause him physical pain. He would rather surrender his private parts than force himself on someone. His motives are often questionable, but he would _never_ do that!"

"I know that too," Sarah sighed.

"So, are you telling me you said no and he used force on you or he ignored your rejection?" Couric was baffled.

Sarah looked guilty "No." At Couric's raised eyebrows her guilt turned to anger. "But he doesn't need to be forceful, does he? He just uses his fae mojo and tingly fucking fingers and it's game over."

"Fae mojo? Tingly fingers? What utter rubbish. I think that might have something to do with your natural response to him. I don't know what you've been reading Above, but fae do not go around hypnotising young girls with aphrodisiac inducing phalanges."

"What?"

"I am saying, that you are responding to him because you fancy him, stupid human! It is not so much you fear his physical domination, but your lack of desire to say no to him. Sounds like a _you_ problem."

"Bullshit, Couric!" Sarah snapped, although she had the uncomfortable feeling that there might be a _small_ truth to his declaration. "Although, hang on…fae cannot lie, can they?" Sarah queried.

"Oh please, that rumour was put out there to lure mortals into a false sense of security," Couric said flippantly, turning to open the curtains, signalling his desire to quit the conversation.

"No fucking way! That's just unfairly sneaky!"

Couric rolled his eyeballs. "We're fae, we're tricky. So, we lied about the ability to lie…surprise!"

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Sarah arrived at Jareth's suite ten minutes late for their date—it couldn't be helped. In the space of a day, she had been awoken by a lecture from Hoggle, she'd given pole dancing instructions as well as practiced for her own routine, she'd prepared for the court, she'd held court, she'd made out with Jareth, she'd won a competition, she'd had a confrontation with Couric, she'd recorded a diary room session and _then_ she'd gotten ready for a date without any idea of where they were going and what she should wear. Just _thinking_ about the day was exhausting.

Quite frankly, Sarah wanted to have a bath and hit the pub with Susan, or even just head to bed early with a book. Instead, she was standing outside the Goblin King's quarters, with no idea if she wanted to continue where they left off, or if she wanted to put her earlier slip-into-madness down to pent up sexual tension, and revert to the 'you can't touch me' status quo between them. She needed to stay in these competitions to make everything right again, but could she keep herself immune to Jareth in the meantime? She recalled the look in his eyes as he cradled her face in his hands.

 _Pffft, fat chance! I'm doomed!_

"There you are!" Jareth declared, opening the door to find Sarah with her eyes downcast, an intense frown of concentration on her brow. "Is there a problem, or do you always look like you are about to murder someone when you knock on a door?"

"Only if it's yours, Your Majesty," Sarah responded drily.

"Ah, back to titles again. I thought you might be more amenable, following our meeting earlier," Jareth stated, refusing to ignore the elephant in the room.

"Yes, but you notice there wasn't much talking during that meeting. Come to think of it, there wasn't _any_ talking. Maybe we only get along if we don't speak with one another," Sarah commented as she entered his suite, smoothing down her floor length dress.

Jareth had to admit Sarah looked exceptionally lovely—she wore an anthracite and forest green gown that was panelled and textured like snakeskin. There was a long slit that reached mid-thigh, giving her the ability to walk gracefully in such a tight dress. The neckline was scooped, but not too low, although it was practically backless. The dress fit her form so well that it could have been painted on. She wore high heeled green sandals and completed the look with her hair loose and smoky eyeshadow.

He'd always known she would grow up to be beautiful, but even he didn't envisage the siren before him. It felt right, her being in his rooms, she belonged here, he acknowledged. How to bring Sarah to the same conclusion was going to be the challenge. But he never backed down from a challenge… _especially_ one as important to his future happiness and that of his Kingdom.

"Come now, I believe we had fun and did a lot of talking at the Pleasure Meadow," Jareth smiled as he approached her. "You'll have to do better than that if you want to convince me that there is nothing between us, other than a driving need to shag each other through the wall." His voice dipped low as he leaned towards her whilst he continued towards the fireplace.

Sarah gulped at the brazen reference to their uninhibited desire for one another. She could hardly ignore it if he kept bringing it up so casually.

"So, where are we going?" Sarah decided to change the subject.

"I have some ideas, but wanted to give you the option. It has been a long day, would you prefer a quiet supper somewhere nice, where we could talk? Or would you like to let your hair down and get shit-faced?" Jareth asked, grinning widely.

Sarah huffed a laugh, his banter easing her earlier tension. "Food sounds great. But could we go somewhere less private? I think a change of scene would be nice." Sarah didn't need to add that she wanted to be somewhere public to avoid a repeat performance of earlier. That, and as far _far_ away from Jareth's bed as possible.

"Certainly," he reached out for her hands so he could apparate them to their destination. "And, before we leave," he whispered in her ear as he clasped her fingers. "You look incredible, Sarah."

Sarah just rolled her eyeballs, steadfastly refusing to acknowledge her racing pulse as they vanished from the room.

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They arrived in the foyer of the biggest restaurant Sarah had ever seen. The ceiling consisted of a large glass dome—the sun had set, and there was snow as far as the eye could see. The sky was lit up with countless stars, reminding Sarah of her trip to Lapland with Toby the year before. The décor was lilac and crystal, and the surroundings indicated a higher class of establishment. There were no goblins present, most of the patrons appeared to be elvish or fae.

Despite the barren stillness outside of the dome, it was quite lively inside. There were hundreds of people, all seated at tables, partaking of excellent fayre and chatting loudly. Subtle music swirled in and out of the noise created by that number of people eating within one space—although, the diners were spread out to the point where intimate conversation was still possible, should they prefer it.

"Where are we?" Sarah asked, her mouth gaping at the height of the dome and the opulence of the room, as Jareth led her towards the host who had just noticed their presence.

"Where you wished to be. Somewhere public where we could eat and talk," Jareth replied.

"Your Majesty, how wonderful of you to join us this evening. Usual table? For two?" the fae host asked.

"Somewhere on the mezzanine area, I think," Jareth responded.

As he followed the host towards the mezzanine platform, Sarah accepted his proffered arm and spoke drily. "Usual table for two, huh? I guess I'm not that special after all!"

"Nonsense, precious. I wouldn't dream of taking you somewhere I had not already ventured. I wouldn't want to risk your _dissatisfaction_ ," Jareth quipped.

Sarah raised an eyebrow but didn't return his glance.

Once seated, they waited patiently whilst the host fluttered around them, making sure everything was just so.

"May I interest His Majesty in some fine elven wine?"

Sarah puffed out her cheeks, _bloody elven wine, does the Underground not have any other!_

"Actually Simeon, I think we will have the house cocktails. Does that meet with your approval, Sarah?" Jareth asked.

 _Oh, so charming. And why are we on our best behaviour tonight, Goblin King?_

"Whatever they are, I'm sure they're fine, Jareth," Sarah responded with disinterest, not particularly bothered what they drank. She felt too tired to clash wits with him this evening—even allowing herself to use his first name, so he didn't nag her for trying to impose some ridiculous formality following their earlier orgasm exchange.

Simeon nodded in acknowledgement of the request and retreated to give the couple some privacy.

"So, Sarah. Does the surroundings meet with your approval?" Jareth asked.

"It's lovely, although maybe a bit much. To be honest I would have settled for some chips at the Jolly Gobbler and a pint of stout," she replied twisting her hands together as they rested on the table, still not willing to look at him.

"Alright then. Are you going to relax? Or are we going to have a frank conversation, in this very public setting, as to why you have barely been able to give me eye contact since I witnessed you coming undone all over my lap earlier?"

Sarah's eyes flew up to meet his. She couldn't believe he just said that to her, especially as the host suddenly reappeared with their drinks.

"Two house cocktails. I presume you are content with our choosing supper for you, Your Majesty?" Simeon inquired.

"You have yet to disappoint, Simeon. I'm sure we shall be impressed," Jareth replied, his eyes not leaving Sarah since his last outburst at her fidgeting.

"I shall return directly, Your Majesty," Simeon bowed and left again.

"Really?" Sarah hissed. "Do you have to bring that up, and at the dinner table?"

"I want us to enjoy the evening, and we can't very well do that with you looking at the table and making no effort. What was the point in winning the damned contest if you were not interested in the reward?" Jareth snapped.

"I _am_ , it's just. I'm knackered, alright? Not to mention more than a bit confused right now," Sarah whispered aggressively. Her eyes darted to the other patrons, concerned they were being overheard.

"No one can hear us, precious, so don't use that as an excuse or barrier to avoid this discussion. I didn't chase after you this afternoon because there were some matters that required my urgent attention. I thought you might need a bit of time to collect yourself—I see that maybe you had too much, as you are now far less friendly than you were earlier," he responded drily.

"Less friendly? In case you hadn't noticed, it was hardly a friendly bit of fooling around to begin with! You stared at me, snapped your fingers and then proceeded to…um…ravish me," she whisper-shrieked.

At Jareth's indelicate snort, Sarah glared at him. "Oh, fucking grow up!" she snapped, furious with his laughing at her.

"Ravish?!" Jareth started laughing out loud. "You sound like a silly romance novel, Sarah!"

"You know what I mean… forcefully pressing your suit-"

Jareth burst into full guffaws. "Precious, you are speaking like a _very_ bad Mills and Boon novel," he got out in between breaths. "As much as I'm enjoying this exchange, please speak plainly, otherwise I fear you may 'storm off at my uncontrollable response to your diction'!" Jareth imitated the fancy speak to press his point, before bursting out laughing again.

Sarah scowled at him, although she did admit to herself that she was going a bit Jane Austen, and probably should stop trying to be something she wasn't. Just because she was addressing a king in a posh restaurant, didn't mean that she had to start behaving like Lady Violet Crawley.

"Okay then. You basically tried to get it on without asking permission. There was no friendly banter, no checking if I was up for it, nothing. You were completely taking advantage of the fact that I couldn't keep your hands off me any more using that ridiculous permission clause."

Jareth smiled predatorily. "Absolutely, precious. I took advantage of the absence of that ridiculous clause, as you put it. Although it is only ridiculous in our circumstances, as it is plainly obvious to me and probably to everyone else, that you _were_ willing, and I did check. I was very aware of your response to me the entire time I held you. If you had told me to stop, I would have. If you turned away from me, or struggled, I would have paused. But the fact of the matter is that you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. AND…" his voice rose when he could see her begin to interrupt, "…you're being a massive pain in the arse for torturing yourself, and by extension, me, over it. Especially when I have brought you to one of the most illustrious restaurants in the Underground to try to woo you into a repeat performance." Jareth ended up snapping at her, his irritation starting to notch up.

 _Why did she have to make a blasted drama out of everything!_

"Well, if this is your way of wooing, you can forget a repeat performance!" Sarah snapped back. Her cheeks flushed red and her eyes staring daggers at the self-serving peacock.

Jareth's eyes, in turn, narrowed dangerously.

 _Throwing down a gauntlet, well that's going to deter me, stupid girl!_

Sarah's anger quickly flagged in her fatigue, swiftly replaced by distress. She wrung her hands in agitation at his 'challenge accepted' look.

"For fuck's sake, Jareth. You can't think that calling me a 'pain in the arse' is remotely close to wooing. I told you I was feeling confused, is it too much to ask for you to just back the fuck off while I get my head round this…" she waved her hands between them, "…thing that we seem to be dancing around?"

Jareth sighed and sat back, closing his eyes. He reached his hand up to pinch the top of his nose and took a couple of deep breathes. He then opened his eyes again and sat up straight. "Of course, Sarah. My apologies. Let's have a pleasant evening and discuss matters unrelated to this afternoon, hmm?"

Sarah let out the breath she didn't realise she was holding, grateful for the reprieve. "Thank you."

"So, tell me, why bogs in the Labyrinth?" Jareth asked.

"It was the only way I could see to stop Hoggle, and potentially others, from peeing in the nymph ponds. Really Jareth! Why don't you make it easier for the water creatures to petition and gain your counsel? That poor girl was made to feel like a second class citizen, just because she couldn't be out of the water long enough to wait her turn."

"As I have been pointing out to you, Sarah. Due to the number of runners, I have not had much time."

At Sarah's expression, Jareth quickly added, "Not that it is any excuse, mind you. But it is the reason. If anything, I approve of your dealing with the matter, as you can probably tell." He indicated their presence at the restaurant and their surroundings.

"And what about Couric? Not going to stand up for your best bud?" Sarah enquired.

"On the contrary, I am quite certain that whatever brought about his appointment, he deserved it. I am also not averse to him learning a lesson about inserting himself into other people's business. If he wants to get his hands dirty, then he has to reap the consequences." Jareth grinned wickedly as he downed his cocktail.

Sarah relaxed and smiled at Jareth, amused that they seemingly agreed on something. Even if it was the torment of a member of his Court.

"I agree. Someone with so much time on his hands for meddling, could indeed do with an industrious distraction," she commented, purposefully switching into her Jane Austen speech mode. She gave him a wink before flashing a grin and downing her own cocktail.

"Spoken like a true queen," Jareth murmured, his attention rapt on his dining partner as the host reappeared with their food.

Once the meals had been laid out, Simeon identified the names as he placed them down—he quickly withdrew to allow the couple their privacy.

Sarah picked up her cutlery and paused before she tucked in. "How come we don't get to choose our meal?" she asked.

"It's why this place is so popular. The hosts ascertain our needs empathically, and the chefs then create the corresponding meal to suit our desires and mood," Jareth replied, taking a bite of his olive risotto. "As you can see, I am eating olives, which are associated with peace and good will."

"Oh, that's um… neat. But why have I been given an Assamese sour fish curry?"

Jareth looked up at her with raised eyebrows, clearly indicating the ridiculousness of her question.

"Oh, fuck off," Sarah grumbled, and began tucking into her food whilst Jareth laughed out loud.

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 **AN** : So, there you go, no smut in this one, but she only had an orgasm four hours ago!

Next up - the parade – I am looking forward to writing this next chapter. Please note I am off to the US from 1-15 April. California for a week and then a week in New York. I have already bought my David Bowie Is exhibition tickets at the Brooklyn Museum, as I couldn't get hold of them when it was at the V&A in London. I think it is an excellent reason for a detour to New York, my gullible husband thinks we are going to NY for his Birthday! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

I will try to get the next chapter out before I leave, if I do not, then it will be after 15th April.

 **Recommendations:**

PaintedGlass (over on A03) has another one started – Things You See Underground. It is a bit of a Repo crossover, but don't worry if you are not familiar with Repo – I wasn't and I am loving this fic.

Just one of those flings by Breejah0923 – smut smutty smut smut! You will need a fan for this one!

Thousandfeathers by glasshibou – a master storyteller who manages to convey so much with very short chapters.


	22. Chapter 22 - Its the Unicorns or Fluffy!

Disclaimer – I own nothing, am not making a profit from anything related to Labyrinth, all original characters owned by Henson et al.

As always, thank you very much for the reviews and PMs. I try to respond to them all, but if you have not heard from me, know I am grateful for the feedback.

Quick reference character list at the bottom of Chapter 1.

Thanks go to my beta, the wonderfully caffeinated KBates.

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Sarah awoke the next morning to distant sounds of hammering. She groggily raised her head off the pillow and turned to face the balcony doors, but then gave up and crashed back to the pillow again, stifling her groan at the inability to awake peacefully in this blasted kingdom.

"Hey, Saaaarraaaaaah!" yelled an excessively cheery voice from the doorway.

"Go away," came from the pillow the Champion was laying on.

"Well, aren't you the dirty skank! Late night?" cried Susan, bounding into the room and landing on the bed next to Sarah. The Champion was reminded of a similar scenario the previous morning with Hoggle. This trip underground was beginning to feel a bit like Groundhog Day.

"What time is it?"

"9."

"9?"

"Yep, time to get up and get ready for parade day!" Susan said, suspiciously cheerful.

Sarah sat up slowly and turned to face her friend. "I don't suppose you got any coffee to hand?"

"It's in the lounge," Susan indicated over her shoulder "What? You want me to get you some? You really are a Princess!"

"Pleaaaaase," Sarah whined.

"Well if that's how desperate you are when begging, no wonder you look like you've been tangling with that creepy git's lint roller whenever my back is turned!"

Sarah threw her pillow at Susan's retreating form. She pulled herself into a sitting position and ran her hands through her hair, gripping it at the temples. Scenes from the previous day came back to haunt her, and she groaned in frustration.

"Here's your coffee," Susan sing-songed as she sauntered in, carrying two cups of the steaming liquid. "So, spill. And you can start with what happened after the Goblin Court Challenge."

"Argh," Sarah moaned, taking her coffee. "What has got you so hyper this morning? Are you a changeling? Coz there's no way the Susan Briggs _I_ know would be this fucking happy for a goblin parade!" Sarah responded, attempting to avoid the question.

"Nah, I was up _all night_ baking rock cakes and overseeing their 'magical duplication', as there was no way I was baking 10,000 of those damn things. Anyway, to keep me going, Hoggle gave me some pretty hardcore shit. I feel so buzzed and energetic, I could clean this whole castle with just a pair of his nib's sparkly underpants!"

"Well if that's the case, you definitely don't need any coffee," Sarah said, reaching out her hand, indicating she was confiscating her cup.

"You can have my coffee for a confession, Princess!" Susan pushed.

Sarah huffed in exasperation. "Okay, so I was on my way back from court when Dotty intercepted me and led me to a room."

"What kind of room? Like the red room of pain in Fifty Shades?" Susan jumped in, leaning forward with enthusiasm.

"NO! Oh God, no! I can't believe you read that, you are _so_ not the type!"

"I know, I know, but I thought, how can so many women be wrong, right?" Susan replied. "Just goes to show how gullible the masses can be."

Sarah smiled over her coffee cup, blowing on it gently to cool the beverage. "It was just a room with a big crystal thingy which played back the court sessions. Jareth was there and we just watched what happened."

"You got to see our sessions? Wow, I bet that broke some rules," Susan commented.

"Probably the production company's. I doubt Jareth gave a crap," Sarah smirked, shrugging her shoulders.

"Then what happened?"

"I'm not sure exactly. He started staring at me, and the next thing I know I'm on his lap being ravished!"

" _Ravished_?" Susan gave Sarah a dumfounded look for a few seconds, before bursting into laughter. "Hahahahahahaha!"

"Not _you_ as well! 'Ravished' is a perfectly acceptable term for what happened," Sarah grumbled.

Susan had tears running down her face. "You…" she paused to wheeze in a breath, "…you jumped the Goblin King?"

At Sarah's look of astonished outrage, Susan broke out into further peals of laughter.

"I DID NOT!"

"Well, how did you end up on his lap? Did he just zap you over there?"

"Actually, that's exactly what happened!" Sarah snapped indignantly.

Susan looked flabbergasted for a moment, and then carried on with her laughing fit.

"It's not funny, he didn't ask or anything!" Sarah pouted, taking another large sip of her coffee.

Susan gradually brought herself under control. "So, how far did the…erm… _ravishment_ go?"

Sarah grimaced. "Pretty far actually, let's just say I was without my clothes."

"You fucked him? Good for you!"

"NO!" Sarah shouted after spraying her coffee everywhere. "No, no, no, no fucking!"

"So, you got naked but didn't seal the deal?" Susan asked, confusion marring her brow.

Sarah shook her head, whilst wiping excess coffee from her chin.

"Were you interrupted?" Susan asked.

"Kind of, well after…"

"After what? If you didn't fuck him, then what the hell happened?"

"Argh! This is so embarrassing," Sarah cried. "He brought me off, okay?"

" _Okay_. So, did you return the favour? Is his bulge the biggest exaggeration of the century? Please, _please_ say yes!" Susan wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"No, there wasn't really enough time for that. We got interrupted right after he, um, you know, saw to me…"

"What did he say?" Susan pushed.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yes. Nothing. Not one word, from the minute I walked into the room, to the moment I ran out," Sarah sighed.

" _What_? You're telling me all this happened and not one word was exchanged?"

"Not by him."

At that Susan burst out laughing again.

"What is so fucking funny now?" Sarah demanded.

Susan was grinning widely, completely caught up in her giggle fit. "I can't wait to see how you depict that in the movie sequel, maybe against some god awful epic soundtrack entitled 'forbidden frottage' or something."

At Susan's continued laughter, Sarah gave up on her friend and jumped out of bed, heading for the bathroom.

"I'm gonna take a shower. Try to put this whole thing out of your mind by the time I get back."

As Sarah stomped towards the bathroom door, she was brought up short by Susan's loud singing.

" _Rub me like you do, rub rub rub me like you do_!"

Sarah screeched in frustration and slammed the door closed behind her. But unfortunately, that didn't drown out Susan's cackling…or her singing for that matter.

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Two hours later found the girls outside in the courtyard, along with the other Goblinerettes. They were all awaiting the grand arrival of Jareth. Although they could hear the noise outside the castle that indicated the party had already started, it turned out that they were not to join in on said celebrations until they had taken part in the parade. Apparently, as Labyrinth victors, they were to follow Jareth in the procession, tossing out rock cakes to the masses and basking in the glory of their success.

Sarah had gleaned from Sir Didymus, who joined them briefly before having to head out to bring the goblins to order, that this was the first time Jareth was going to be taking part in the parade. Normally he would watch from his tower… _probably sulking_ , she mused with a grin. But this time he chose to take ownership of the event and celebrate with the girls, all part of the publicity for the competitions. _No doubt this was one of the things the Director had been nagging him about_ , Sarah thought.

"How long is this going to take?" Chun complained.

"Are we walking? Please tell me we are _not_ walking!" Rhiannon moaned. "It's got to be nearly 90 today."

"Stop complaining, we're getting out of pole practice today, that's got to count for something!" Jaime replied.

Crystal sighed. "Poor Sabine, all that training and she just got kicked out before she could perform her tricks."

"That girl was _not_ going to win that competition—she got dizzy on a simple reverse showgirl spin," Shante sassed.

"Well, wherever she is, she is going to wonder where she got all that extra core strength," Sarah stepped into the conversation. "She did get something out of it."

"Look at you, all silver lining and positive thinking. Anyone would think you'd released some… tension," Susan quipped with an innocent smile.

"Just following Doctor Detroit's orders," Sarah grinned back sweetly.

"I'm so proud of you! And you got out of there before he got his!" Susan started laughing.

"Will you keep your voice down," Sarah hissed. "How long does that stuff you got from Hoggle last? You're freaking me out with this happy, cheery, non-Susan behaviour," Sarah snapped, concerned the other girls would overhear Susan's less than subtle remarks.

"Oh, come on Princess, you gotta admit it—you left poor old glitter pants high and dry. I bet there was some serious _hand-to-gland_ combat taking place afterwards." Susan burst into loud laughter at her own joke, drawing the attention of the others.

"That's it! I'm going to fucking kill Hoggle and confiscate his hip flask, in that order!" Sarah snapped, tutting loudly and tossing her hair as Susan lowered herself to the floor and continued her giggling fit. "And I'm setting you up with Galen! You can cackle together into _old age!_ "

At Susan's abrupt stop and horrified look, Sarah flashed a smile of perfect bitchery.

Before Susan could draw in enough breath to respond to exactly what she thought of that image, there was a very loud horn blast and an announcement blared across the Kingdom.

"Citizens of the Goblin Kingdom, honoured guests, the annual parade of the Champion of the Labyrinth is about to begin. This year we are not only joined by our illustrious Labyrinth Winners, including the Champion herself, but to escort them through our wonderful city is our esteemed ruler, the one, the only, Jareth, King of the Goblins!"

There was a deafening cheer outside of the gates, and all of a sudden, the camera crew trained their lenses to the sky.

"Is that…" Susan began.

"Oh God…" declared Rhiannon.

"No fucking way!" Shante cried.

"It can't be! Is that a DRAGON?!" Crystal squeaked.

"Oh, no," whispered Tariq in dismay.

Sarah stood slack jawed at what initially was a small speck on the horizon, that on closer inspection turned out to be a magnificent silver dragon, who just so happened to be ridden by a sexy looking fae King in dragonhide battle regalia.

The Goblinerettes began to squeal in a mixture of fear and delight.

"That cocky bastard," declared Susan.

"What?" Sarah asked, her eyes transfixed on the Goblin King and the dragon as they approached the courtyard and landed gracefully 100 feet from the girls.

"Well, it looks like he's trumped that whole Diet Coke Break entrance," Susan stated.

"Uh-huh," Sarah mumbled in agreement, still looking in awe at the image in front of her.

"Uh-oh, we've lost you again," Susan complained at Sarah's inattention to her.

Jareth dismounted the dragon with flourish and sauntered over to the Goblinerettes, adjusting his gloves and smiling as he approached.

"Ladies…your ride is here," Jareth declared pompously.

At that moment, Tariq came running over and stood near his King, completely flabbergasted at the appearance of the dragon.

"Your Majesty, we erm, we cannot use this means of transportation for the ladies!" The King's steward cried.

At Jareth's frown of disapproval and confusion, Tariq moved closer to his monarch and tried to whisper in his ear. Unfortunately, he forgot that he was wearing a microphone clipped to his tunic.

"Sire, what are you thinking? You cannot put mortals on a dragon, it will _devour_ them," he squeaked.

"Nonsense Tariq, Fluffy hasn't eaten a human in years. And _that_ was a misunderstanding because the stupid individual decided to wear a dress made of raw meat," Jareth replied.

"But, Sire, this is live television, we cannot take the risk. The production company would have a fit if one of our contestants is _eaten!_ " Tariq's voice got higher and higher in his panic to sway the Goblin King.

Jareth huffed loudly, noticing the Director and the camera crew were still staring catatonically at the dragon, and crossed his arms. "Oh, very well. I suggest you bring the unicorns from the meadow and convince them, _very quickly_ , to carry the ladies through the parade."

"But your Majesty—" Tariq squeaked.

"It's either the unicorns or Fluffy, I will not be embarrassed by having them riding on mere horses during a parade in their honour, the Underground is watching, Tariq."

At Tariq's squawk of submission, he hurried off towards the meadow, a troupe of stable hands following him.

Jareth turned and flashed a grin at his Labyrinth winners. "Change of plans, it has been pointed out to me that unicorns would be a far more boring but safe mode of transportation for you lovely ladies."

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Sarah held tight to the unicorn she was sat astride, who was clearly not happy following immediately behind Jareth on his dragon. They slowly meandered their way through the goblin city, throwing rock cakes to the throngs of beings lining the streets.

Sarah turned slightly to watch Susan, who was not so much throwing out her rock cakes for goblins to catch, as aiming them at the little buggers in the hopes of doing some damage. _Looks like Hoggle's tonic has finally worn off then,_ she thought.

Jareth sat atop the dragon, his goblin armour glinting in the sun. He looked down his nose at his subjects, keeping up the regal front, although Sarah caught his lips twitching at Susan's effective aim. As if sensing her gaze, he turned fully to face Sarah, his eyebrow raised in enquiry, but a devious smile lifted the corners of his mouth. She blushed slightly, remembering their conversation the evening before.

" _So, tell me Sarah, how are you feeling about the competitions now?" Jareth asked, as they waited for their after-supper drinks._

 _Sarah looked up wide-eyed, a little taken-aback by the question. They hadn't discussed her agenda since the massive row that was heard all over the castle. Realising she must appear quite bi-polar based on their confrontations since, she decided to come clean, at least where they were concerned._

" _I'm in, but I don't want to complicate matters between us by exploring this thing," she indicated the space between them. "I get the impression you like me, but this is hardly a scenario for an exclusive courtship. I mean, you're going on dates with other women!" Sarah replied, knowing that denying her attraction to him following the activities that afternoon was pointless._

" _You do understand that these competitions have to take place now they have begun?" Jareth asked._

" _I know that, and without them we may not have ever reconnected. But here's the deal, I can't be intimate with you if I'm having to share you with a bunch of fan girls. I don't share Jareth, not when it comes to… sexy stuff," Sarah replied, her eyes dropping to the tablecloth._

Sexy stuff? Well that's articulate! What the fuck is wrong with you Williams?!

" _What makes you think that I've been physical with the others?" Jareth asked, a frown crossing his brow as he tilted his head to maintain their eye contact._

" _Well, Crystal, and the whole innuendo gag fest with Shante," Sarah replied._

" _You mentioned Crystal before, she has not had the pleasure of me I can assure you," Jareth replied, his frown intact._

" _Don't… just don't. Look, I wasn't your girlfriend, so I have no right to expect fidelity from you, but please don't lie. And yes, I know fae can pretty much lie or bend the truth, whatever. Just don't do that with me, I'm finding it hard to trust you as it is," Sarah declared, her eyes lifting to his in challenge._

" _But Sarah—"_

 _Sarah raised a hand. "No, it's okay. I would be a hypocrite to say I don't find you attractive…" at Jareth's smirk, Sarah ploughed on, "…but I can't do casual, especially with you. There's too much history and you wind me up too much for me to treat this thing with indifference."_

 _Unbeknownst to Sarah, Jareth did not like where this conversation was going. He could work on her attraction to him, seeing as it was already there. But this was not just a case of Sarah needing to be shown her desire for him, she had acknowledged it now, but was still throwing up obstacles. He was determined to get to the bottom of the whole Crystal thing, but for the time being, he decided not to push her further tonight. He needed to rethink his strategy, get her into more of a 'pursuer' than the 'pursued' role. However, he needed to do this without risking her jealousy, as she would just shut down and walk away. He had some planning to do, and he again resigned himself to the need of acquiring the help of his bumbling friends._

 _He had returned her to the door of her suite directly from the restaurant, bowing over her hand and brushing a kiss across her knuckles, but his eyes flashed with hungry promise before he turned and left her._

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The parade ended with the Goblinerettes dismounting from their unicorns and joining the festival set up in the main town square. Sarah noticed a recently erected set of covered bleachers—no doubt this was what all the hammering noise was that awoke her that morning. Members of the fae court had decided to attend the festival, filling the stands and chatting away with each other. She saw King Brian and his missus gradually making their way to the highest platform that had the plushest seating.

She was about to comment on this to Susan, but when she turned, she noticed her friend was distracted. Susan had seen the dryad from before, sitting in the fountain with some friends, she waved and headed over.

"Looks like you lost your wing man there, Champion," Crystal indicated the departing Susan.

"She is entitled to make friends without me, you know," Sarah replied, a little more sharply than necessary. She suddenly found Crystal irritating, although it probably had more to do with the intimate exchange Crystal shared with Jareth during their chess date, rather than a passive aggressive dig regarding Sarah's relationship with Susan.

An almighty roar drew their attention as the dragon set Jareth down, and then took off to the skies.

"That is so fucking cool," Rhiannon remarked.

"Well, I think that's just insensitive, wearing dragon hide whilst riding a dragon," sniffed Chun, her PETA roots clearly showing through.

"Oh, who cares," Shante quipped. "I'd take him on a pile of dead puppies!"

Sarah shuddered at the image and decided that a friendship with Shante was probably not going to happen. She noticed, out of the corners of her eyes, Jareth heading over to the Director, who seemed to be very unhappy. Unfortunately, a loud ruckus interrupted her scrutiny.

Hearing Chun's outraged squeak, Sarah decided to put some distance between herself and the other contestants, as it looked like shit was about to go down.

"You fucking, disgusting bitch!" screeched Chun. "It's attitudes like that which are the problem!"

"Hey," Crystal jumped in, trying to placate the feisty astrophysicist. "I don't think she meant it, she's just saying she'd overlook anything to get some Goblin King action. Don't take it personally."

Sarah headed over to Susan, snorting with laughter. "Like that's going to work, Crystal obviously hasn't met a member of PETA before!"

Susan nodded in agreement.

Tariq rushed over to the argument, sensing the brewing tension.

"You were right, Crystal and Tariq are really similar, they're both peacemakers," Sarah observed. The two were trying to calm the situation, which appeared to be escalating following Shante's obviously insensitive retort.

"Rather them than me. If Blondie was _really_ smart, she would let them go at it, they'd get disqualified and it would be less competition," the dryad supplied.

"Hi, sorry we've not met, I'm Sarah," Sarah offered, realising she had just interrupted Susan and the dryad's conversation.

"I know, you are quite popular here. Juturna told us about the whole Labyrinth Bogs project. So, thanks, I guess," the dryad responded chirpily, "the name's Flower."

At this, Sarah's eyes met Susan's. "Pleasure to meet you, Flower."

As the fight escalated across the square, it drew Flower's attention. Sarah took the opportunity to whisper at Susan. " _Flower_? You do have a type don't you," she sniggered.

"Oh, fuck off," Susan grumbled in embarrassment.

"No way! This is payback for your singing shit this morning," Sarah replied.

"In that case, there's more where that came from," Susan promised.

"Don't you fucking dare!"

At that moment, there was a loud splash as Tariq was inadvertently shoved into a water trough. Crystal rushed to his aid as Shante and Chun got into it. Both the contestants had fistfuls of each other's hair and were hitting one another with rock cakes.

The camera crew rushed over, filming the scene with delighted glee. Sarah's glance went to Jareth, who appeared to be amused, watching the proceedings. That was until he noticed someone standing up from the balcony of the recently erected seating area. When he locked eyes with his outraged mother, he quickly straightened up and headed over to intervene.

"It looks like he's whipped by someone!" Susan exclaimed with a laugh.

Sarah giggle snorted in response, and sat back to enjoy the show.

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Five hours later—following a re-enactment of the sacking of the goblin city, which was thoroughly enjoyed by the spectators in the bleachers, but not so much by the individuals stuck in the middle of it on the city streets, namely the Goblinerettes—found Sarah and Susan sitting at a table at the Jolly Gobbler. They were joined by Didymus and Hoggle, and they were _all_ covered in dust.

"That went better than the previous year," declared Hoggle, gulping thirstily at his tankard of ale.

"Indeed, Hoggle. At least there were no rocks flying around this time. Brother Ludo usually loves parade day, it is a shame he missed it," Didymus replied.

"Aw I miss Ludo, I really hope I get to see him before I head back," Sarah commented, taking another sip of her brew.

"Head back? Don't tell me you've changed your mind yet again, Champion!"

Sarah looked up to find Couric standing over them. A drink in his hand as he brought a chair over and joined their group, Galen joined them with his own beverage.

"Join us, why don't you," Sarah offered sarcastically.

At Couric's saccharine smile, Sarah rolled her eyeballs and made room for them.

"So, what has your knickers in a twist _this time_ , Sarah?" Couric asked.

"Nothing. I only meant that I wanted to see Ludo before I headed home," she replied.

"You're not planning on winning the competitions then?" Couric continued.

"I am. I'm just not planning on staying trapped here after I win," Sarah clarified.

"You plan to live in a separate dimension from your husband?" Galen asked, confused. "That's rather unorthodox, even for the Underground."

"Hold up, no one said anything about marriage," Sarah exclaimed.

"I thought you were educated. Surely if Jareth is running these competitions and has to find a suitable queen, that would mean he is to marry the winner!" Couric shook his head at Sarah's supposed idiocy.

"That might be what the competition states, and indeed what the High Council are expecting," Sarah replied in a low voice to avoid being overheard. "But you know how these shows go. No one ever makes it to the altar, and if they do, they are divorced within five minutes. So, _no_ , I'm _not_ planning on being trapped down here forever. I have a family Above, remember?"

Sarah didn't notice the guys sharing concerned looks whilst she drained her tankard. Susan had her head down on the table, after ill-advisedly gulping down two tankards of ale on her arrival to remove the taste of dust from her throat.

Sarah signalled to Elmo to bring over another round when the door to the pub opened and Jareth walked in, he had changed out of his goblin armour into something more casual for his trip to the pub. He spotted Sarah and her companions immediately and headed over.

"Jareth, what brings you out on this festive evening?" Couric called.

"There are no summons, no challenges today, the girls are all in different states of inebriation and are being looked after by Tariq…so, in short, I am going to have a drink! I see that my two missing ladies are in your capable hands, Couric."

"Hello, sitting right here," Sarah waved.

"Of course you are Champion, it strikes me that you are never far from a drinking hole whenever I can't find you. Not planning on singing tonight, are we?" Jareth sassed back.

 _Oh great, he's on form, just what I need_ , she thought.

"Let's see, I have quite the repertoire, would you like to make a request?" she quipped back.

"Oh, get a room you two!" Couric interrupted, tossing his fringe back and taking a sip of his drink.

"Someone got a hair up his arse over the whole committee chairman thing," Susan burp-laughed, choosing that moment to become aware of the surrounding conversation.

Couric peered down his nose at the slightly sloshed woman, clearly finding her lacking.

Sarah snickered and decided to join in. "What's up with you, grumpy? No conquest tonight?"

Couric looked around the room but quickly averted his gaze when his eyes locked with the working girl from the tavern. Sarah remembered her from the rushes as the one who emptied a box of trinkets onto Couric.

"Maybe later," he grumped.

Galen looked at Susan and attempted to draw her into conversation. "So, Miss Briggs. Did you enjoy the parade today? I must say your rock cakes were very well received."

Susan looked at Galen as if he'd just spoken in a foreign language.

"Galen, although your attempt at polite conversation is very gentlemanly, its wasted-on Detroit here," Sarah laughed.

At his slouched shoulders, Susan shook her head and looked at Sarah. "Princess, I could use the restroom, but my legs don't seem to want to go with me, give me a hand?"

"Sure," Sarah smiled, standing slowly to check her own balance before assisting Susan.

"Right chaps," Jareth leaned in, as soon as Sarah was out of earshot. "We have a bit of a problem."

"I'd say," commented Couric. "Apparently your Champion has no intention of getting married if she wins the competitions."

"Where did you get that information from, Couric?" Jareth asked.

"She just said that statistically, these shows don't end in marriage or if they do, they end in divorce, so she is planning on buggering back off Above after she wins the crown. Looks like you are setting yourself up for rejection yet again, old boy!"

Jareth grimaced on hearing the news, but decided it was not an immediate problem. "Look, she has decided to stay in the competitions and plans to win, which is a lot further along than we were two days ago."

"Agreed, but what's the point if she is not planning on staying?" Couric answered.

"Let me worry about that," Jareth dismissed. "In the meantime, we need to ensure that Sarah wins the rest of the challenges. She needs to be accepted as the Underground's choice for queen consort. Hoggle's titbit of information to Sarah the morning of the goblin court challenge helped immensely…however, we need to continue with this tactic so nothing is left to chance. Also, the more date opportunities she has with me, the easier it will be for her to become enraptured with my presence."

"Sire, I think you do our fair maiden a disservice, she is more than capable of winning these challenges without foul play!" Didymus came to Sarah's defence, quite put out that her honour was being besmirched in such a way.

Jareth quirked a brow and asked, "Did you try one of her muffins?"

"Well, no…"

"Then I rest my case," Jareth replied swiftly. "Couric, Galen, the next challenge is tomorrow morning, it's the assault course. I want you to ensure that the other girls have a really good time tonight. Keep the drinks flowing, a few shots of dragon-fire whiskey should do the trick, not too much, I don't want them dying of alcohol poisoning."

"What's the point of that?" Galen asked. "They will only take that awful sobering gruel in the morning."

"Oh, didn't you hear?" Jareth enquired, his eyebrow raised. "There has been a mysterious shortage of hangover gruel recently, so _unfortunately_ , the girls are going to just have to get by on coffee tomorrow."

"That's low Jareth. An assault course with a hangover is just plain torture," Couric said.

"So is running this blasted Kingdom full of fangirl runners wishing away invertebrates, just to get an eyeful of the contents of my pants. I would say this is a little divine retribution for such inconveniences," Jareth snapped, waving Elmo over to bring him some ale.

Hoggle raised his eyebrows at Jareth. "So what d'you want me te do?"

"You and Didymus here will assist in arranging the required detours on the assault course," Jareth ordered.

"How're we supposed te do that?" Hoggle exclaimed.

"Oh, don't worry too much. I think the Labyrinth will help," Jareth smiled toothily, accepting his drink off the tray balanced on Elmo's head and taking a swift gulp.

Didymus swallowed on hearing this news, but shook his head in resignation. Hoggle shrugged and finished his pint, whilst Galen and Couric rose to round up the rest of the Goblinerettes. It was going to be a _long_ night of carousing for them.

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Sarah returned to the table alone. "Susan has passed-out in the bathroom. Can you guys help me get her back to the castle?" Sarah asked Hoggle and Didymus.

Jareth raised his hand to stay his subjects, then signalled two of the guards who were loitering near the bar. "Please retrieve Miss Briggs from the lavatory and transport her back to the castle."

"I should go with her—" Sarah began.

"No need," Jareth responded quickly, giving Hoggle and Didymus the heave-ho look, whilst Sarah addressed the guards with the request to be careful with her friend.

"Right," declared Hoggle, standing up quickly. "Didymus, appears we have work te do prior te the challenge tomorrow."

"Ah, eh, yes, indeed we do, dear Hoggle," Sir Didymus hopped of his chair, whistling for Ambrosius.

"Challenge? What's the challenge tomorrow then?" Sarah asked, sitting back at the table to finish up her drink.

"Oh, come now, Sarah. We can hardly tell you that, it wouldn't be fair!" Jareth replied with a broad innocent grin.

Hoggle raised his eyebrows to his cap and shook his head at the hypocrisy of Jareth's statement.

"Well, we'll be off then Sarah. I'll sees ye tomorrow." Hoggle waved before heading out the door with Sir Didymus in tow.

"Alone at last," came the deep rumbling tones of the Goblin King.

"God, that line is awful, even if it is in your voice," Sarah replied.

Jareth smiled at his Champion. "So, how did you like my dragon, Sarah?"

"It's very shiny."

"Shiny?"

"Yep, I guess I was expecting something a bit more reptilian, especially judging by the dragonhide material used for the goblin armour."

"Of course dragonhide no longer retains its shine once it has been shed," Jareth replied.

"What do you mean shed? Don't you just skin them to get the material?"

At Jareth's surprised look, Sarah paused.

"Dragonhide does come from dragons, doesn't it? It's not one of those things like dwarf tossing where it means something else?"

At Sarah's reference to her previous faux pas, Jareth burst out laughing. "No, my darling one, it is indeed made from dragon's skin. Although we do not skin dragons or kill them for their hides, that would be one of the worst crimes you can commit in the Underground." Jareth paused, dragging his fingers down his tankard and leaning closer towards her.

Sarah swallowed, transfixed at the sight of his fingers collecting the condensation from his tankard, his low voice hypnotising her in her comfortably buzzed state.

"Dragons shed their skin, and brave individuals are paid handsomely to go and collect them. The skin, once shed retains its protective qualities, making it ideal to be used as a form of armour or protective clothing. It's also very handy for bee keeping."

Sarah's haze of seduction suddenly came to a screeching halt. "Bee keeping?"

At Jareth's open stare, Sarah's eyes grew rounder until she burst into cackles. "That's it! Your street cred is dead," she paused to draw breath. "Jareth… the mighty Goblin King," … _wheeze…_ "…keeps bees!"

It took a couple of minutes for Sarah to compose herself, and when she did, she noticed that Jareth's eyes had narrowed at her and his mouth was a firm line.

"Oh, come on. Of all the things, I never would have guessed _that_. I always imagined you'd spend your spare time hosting orgies and pillaging villages, in between numerous wardrobe changes of course," Sarah teased.

"Well, the chance would indeed have been a fine thing, alas I've been managing runners and the upkeep of my domain, of which, bees play an important part," Jareth replied, relaxing slightly. "Although where you got pillaging from, I have no idea."

"It's the bad boy pants and the villainous cape. No one who wears a cape is ever up to any good," Sarah remarked offhandedly as she helped herself to the bar snacks that Hoggle and Didymus had left behind.

Jareth looked down at his attire in horror. _Not the capes, I am not giving up my capes!_

"Don't worry, Jareth," Sarah smiled seductively, leaning forward as she lowered her voice. "I'll let you keep them on if they matter that much to you."

Jareth's eyebrows flew to his temples, not some easy feat when one's fae markings already take up most of one's forehead. _Is Sarah Williams, Champion of the Labyrinth, tipsy and flirting with me?!_

Jareth immediately took advantage of the situation and leaned forward to match her pose. "I'm sure that can be arranged, but I think I would quite like to see you in one, and nothing else."

Sarah smirked in response. "Confident, and cocky. What makes you think I would take fashion advice from a fae who wears gold lame trousers?"

"Because _this_ fae knows exactly how to fill them."

Sarah flushed despite attempting to play the temptress card. She had a very good memory and was incredibly aware of just how right he was. Taking another long gulp of her beer, which drained her tankard, she gave a nervous cough and sat back.

Jareth gave her a vulpine grin, but was a little disheartened by her retreat. "You disappoint me precious, just as things were getting interesting."

"I think a distraction is in order, d'you fancy a game of cards?" Sarah asked, noticing a few decks of cards that were kept on the shelf above the bar.

"Very well, Champion, let's play your game." Jareth waved Elmo over to bring the cards and order another round of drinks.

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An hour and a half later found a very tipsy Sarah and Jareth playing goblin snap. They were surrounded by a large number of the tavern's patrons—the game had gotten so heated there were numerous bets being placed on who the overall winner would be. One goblin had bet his house on the Champion, but on seeing the King's scowl he immediately switched his bet to his ' _most magical Majestyness!'_

Jareth watched Sarah frown at her dwindling pile of cards, her bottom lip caught between her teeth in concentration as she tried to focus on the cards and the speed at which they were being placed on the table. Jareth had run out, but he had one chance to jump back and claim the deck, he just had to win the next snap pair.

Not one to give up, Sarah waited till the end of her deck, where she knew there would be a double of 'Whompy the Bog Troll'. Without gazing at Jareth, she slowly shifted her leg so it slid between his and raised her foot against the back of his calf whilst her knee made its way towards the juncture between his thighs.

At Jareth's sudden jolt of awareness, his eyes flew to Sarah's, just as she leaned forward to give a tantalising view of her cleavage from her gaping shirt.

"SNAP!" yelled Sarah, taking the rest of the deck and disqualifying Jareth who had no cards left to play.

The room echoed with loud cheers as Sarah beamed, throwing the cards in the air and shouting, "Oh yeah, that's how it's done!"

Jareth gaped at his Champion. "You… you, cheated!"

Sarah smirked at his gobsmacked expression.

"I'm so incredibly turned on right now," he whispered hoarsely, eyes wide in awe.

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Sarah barely made it outside the tavern before she was dragged down the side alley and slammed up against the wall. Hot, hungry lips devoured hers whilst strong hands reached round her thighs and raised her up to wrap her legs around his hips. Jareth wasted no time with delicate fumbling and ground his pelvis into her heat.

Sarah let out a strangled moan at the pressure. _Jesus Christ, he's lost it. That too, over a game of cards?!_

Sarah wrenched her mouth back from Jareth and he immediately attacked the pulse at her throat with his lips and teeth, causing her to squeak.

"Seriously? You're this horny over a game of cards?" she gasped.

"Fuck the cards, you dirty, low-down minx. I can't tell if I'm impressed or ticked off! But I do know I want to make you scream, precious thing."

Jareth dragged his tongue up the vein of her throat, causing Sarah to throw her head back and arch into his thrusting hips.

"Wait!" Sarah cried.

Jareth pulled back, her command giving him pause but his eyes reflected his impatience.

"Someone might see," Sarah gasped, her own eyes mirroring his want.

Without another word, Jareth apparated them from the alleyway to his rooms in the Goblin Castle.

~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~GK~

 **AN** : I hope you liked it, please let me know either way. I have the next two chapters planned out so although it will not take me long to write them, I am disappearing for two weeks and I'm not sure if I will have the time or means to write whilst I am away.

Next Stop – The Assault Course Challenge

 **References:**

The idea of Jareth riding a dragon was in homage to Train Wreck by Mad Shelley – please post again soon! That visual stayed with me for days – awesome.

The meat dress may or may not be in reference to a lady in our popular culture – note I have no particular 'beef' (okay I know, crap pun) with said lady.

 _Rub me like you do_ performed by Susan Briggs is, as you can tell, a rip off from _Love Me Like You Do_ (2014) performed by Ellie Goulding and written by Max Martin, Savan KotechaIlya, Salmanzadeh A, li Payami and Tove Nilsson – Yep, even I was surprised how many people it took to write this!

 **Recommendations:**

Contracts by WorldInvent – Definitely the Art of Manipulation this one, lots of layers and things to look out for – very well written.

The Castle in the Woods by Glasshibou – I am a sucker for her Labyrinth/fairytale crossovers, they are written so well.


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